Those of you who have read some of my earlier works will know that I can be unusually cruel to characters I like. I put this down to the fact that I tend to use the characters I know the best to explore difficult and at times uncomfortable topics.
So be forewarned; here be feels!
Unable To Talk About It
A thick blanket of snow had covered Republic City as the Winter Solstice approached, but Korra was in no mood to enjoy it.
While Asami had fallen pregnant almost immediately, Korra had been met with month after month of failure, her depression only made worse as Kuvira's progressed, and she was forced to watch just how happy the metalbender was with Mako. Fearing that the poison the Red Lotus had used on her may have done some lasting and heretofore unknown damage to her body, they'd contacted Katara for advice, hoping she might have some insight. But the healer was too old to travel all the way to Republic City in person, so had refereed them to Kya, who was passing through the city on her way back south. Hours of careful examination had yielded no answers, and Korra was forced to face the very real possibility that she simply might not be able to have a child of her own. Asami had done her best to offer what comfort she could, going as far as to say that she would gladly carry another child if that was what it took. Korra knew her wife meant well, but her words had left like a knife to the heart; her inability to bare a child was another entry on the long list of things she had failed at.
First there had been her inability to airbend, or to connect with the previous Avatars. Then she had failed to defeat Amon and his Equalist chi blockers time after time. And while had overcome these challenges, it had been a far closer run thing then she was willing to admit openly. After that had come her battles with her crazed uncle Unalaq and chaos spirit Vaatu, during which she had lost her connection to the previous Avatars, apparently for good, and even temporarily lost her status as the Avatar. It was only through luck and the intervention of her friends and family that she was able to overcome the forces aliened against her and emerge victorious, all be it at a terrible price. Then had come Zaheer and the Red Lotus Society, who came closer than anyone before or since to ending her life. They had managed to do the one thing all the other enemies she had faced failed at; they had broken her spirit, driving her to the point of taking her own life before Asami had stepped in and stopped her. And it wasn't just the pain, the inability to control her own body or the elements that had so totally crushed her: it was how well the Air Nomads had done at replacing her, how much pleasure Tenzin had taken in the rebirth he had set in motion, never once realising that every time he boasted about the great work that they were doing taking up the slack while Korra slowly recovered, he was effectively spitting in her face. Amon, Unalaq, Vaatu and Zaheer had each told her that the world no-longer wanted nor needed the Avatar, but it was Tenzin who had almost proven them right without even realising it.
Korra bore him no ill-will; he had done what he thought was best, and the world had desperately needed something to hold it together while she recovered.
If not for Asami's constant and unwavering love, Korra was sure that she would never have been able to drag herself out of the depths of depression, let alone regained the strength of her body and control of the elements. And she had found her purpose again as Avatar Korra, who brokered the peace treaty that ended the Earth Kingdom Civil War. But now she was facing the possibility of losing what it meant to to Korra, the wife and mother. Spirits knew, she couldn't have love her daughters any more if she had carried and given birth to them herself. But there was something deep inside her that had yearned to feel a new life growing inside of her, and to welcome that life into the world she had helped create for it. Driven by desperation, she had even gone as far as to seriously contemplate taking Mako into her bed to see if they could conceive a child the natural way. But even in the darkest depths of her desperation, she could not bring herself to break the vows she had made to Asami, even if she had been able to convince herself that her wife would have understood.
To say nothing of the fact that Kuvira would have killed her if she even suggested it.
Faced with the possibility that she might never fall pregnant, Korra had found herself seeking solace in the bottom of a bottle. While she was never a big drinker, her robust constitution meant that it took a lot to get her to the point of blissful oblivion, but thankfully the Sato estate had a large and well stocked wine cellar laid down by Asami's father to entertain guests. It had been easy enough to sneak down, find a bottle of something and sneak back up to her office to consume her loot. She had tried sake, schnapps, whiskies, wines and ales from around the world, before discovering a large stock of vintage Omashu Brandy. It was brutality strong stuff; a whiff of the cork had ruined her seance of smell for days, but it was able to take her from sobriety to sweet oblivion quickly and efficiently. At first it had just been a shot to take the edge off of an evening, something to help her sleep. Then she started needing two shots, and earlier. As the weeks passed and she remained without child, the dark cloud hanging over her grew larger and darker, and only the sweet kiss of alcohol could keep it at bay.
Then came the day that Opal gave birth to her daughter; Poppy. And while Korra had been genuinely happy for her friend, she felt like something inside her was dying as she forced herself to smile and say all the right things. Everything just seemed to be going right for the young airbender, almost as if her life was somehow blessed, and something changed inside Korra. While she still went through the motions of trying to get pregnant, deep down inside where even Asami couldn't see, she had given up. Perhaps if there had been more for her to do as the Avatar, she might have been able to concentrate on that, but the world seemed to have stabilised, almost as if it was catching its breath after all it had been through. She had her family, but Asami was concentrating on work now that the girls were started at pre-school, and her parents were half the world away. All she had left was the bottle, and soon it became all she seemed able to care about. The hangovers were hell, but she soon discovered that these could be chanced away with a quick shot or two, or three or four. Just to get the day started right, the smell disguised by the extra-strong mouth-wash she'd started using. A lifetime seeking what little privacy she could while surrounded by bending instructors and guards meant that she was well versed in hiding things from people, and skilled at letting people see what they expected to see. As her dependence on alcohol increased, she was forced to find new ways to cover up the departmental effect it was having elsewhere; when she found it difficult to concentration while teaching Senna and Yin to bend properly, she hid it by pretending that it was all part of a game the three of them were playing. Then when one morning, after she fell asleep while making love to Asami the night before, she passed it off as stress. Soon she found herself seeking excuses not to spend time with her family, coming up with more and more elaborate excuses. Asami knew her wife was depressed over her seeming inability to conceive, so cut her more and more slack, never realising the truth.
Then came the day Korra had been dreading for a long time: Kuvira went into labour.
Sitting in the hospital with Asami and the girls, the only family the expectant parents had in the city now that Opal and Bolin had left to take over the Southern Air Temple, Korra had started to go into withdrawal. But rather than take it as a sign that she had a problem with alcohol, she saw it as a sign that she needed a drink. Unfortunately, she'd been unable to find a way to sneak off somewhere, and she had been forced to remain where she was and deal with the dual horrors of seeing another one of her female friends become a mother while she remained childless, and the physical and mental pains of sobering up fully for the first time in weeks. Shortly after Mako had presented them with his first-born son, San, Korra had made an excuse that Senna and Yin needed to go home to bed, and left quickly while Asami stayed behind. No sooner was she sure that her daughters were asleep than she had downed almost an entire bottle of brandy, quickly returning her to her regular, comfortably numb existence. When Asami had arrived home an hour later and found her wife asleep on the couch, fully clothed, she put it down to a long, stressful day and thought nothing more of it.
Korra's world came crashing down around her two weeks before the Winter Solstice.
Asami took the girls out for some retail therapy, leaving Korra behind to put up the decorations. But the forced cheer of it all had been too much for her to face without a couple of drinks inside her, and once she started, she had been unable to stop. The first bottle had quickly led to a second, and she decided that she'd just close her eyes for a moment, then get everything sorted for when her family got home. She hadn't meant to fall sleep in the middle of the living room, clutching a half-drunk bottle of brandy to her chest, but that was how Asami and their daughters had found her. Thinking quickly, and realising that the children were too young to understand what was happening, Asami sent them to their room to put away the cloths they had bought. Once she was sure they were out of the way, she had grabbed the bottle from Korra's limp arms and poured the content down the sink. She considered changing the locks on the wine cellar, but she knew that Korra would find a way through no matter what. So instead she had lifted her wife into one of the over-stuffed armchairs and sat patiently waiting for her to wake up.
Korra had thought that the hangover was bad, but that was before she looked up to find Asami sitting across from her. Her wife didn't look angry; anger was something Korra could have dealt with. Instead she looked disappointed and hurt in a way that cut Korra to her very soul. Not raising her voice and never once mentioning her own feelings, Asami simply informed Korra that she'd better come up with something tell their daughters when they came down for dinner, then walked away. Something about the way her wife just walked away from her flipped a mental switch inside Korra and she had a moment of perfect clarity, in which she saw the self-destructive path she was on and everything that it was going to cost her. She also saw that she wasn't strong enough to simply go cold turkey, so she quickly made plans. First, she had the White Lotus sentries go through the guest house and remove anything even remotely alcoholic, followed by most of the furniture. Stocking the small pantry with food that was quick and easy to prepare and eat, she kissed her children goodnight, hugged Asami, and locked herself away to face her inner demons.
The first night had been okay; there was enough residual alcohol in her system to see her through until dawn, but then she awoke with the single worst hangover of her life and shaking from withdrawal. With nothing stronger than tea and fruit juice to call on, she had forced herself to sweat it out, sitting on the couch, hugging her legs as her entire body hurt in a way she hadn't felt since her brush with death at the hands of the Red Lotus Society. She felt sick to the pit of her stomach, and only just made it to the bathroom before she was violently unwell, only stopping when there was nothing more to bring up. Feeling worse, both mentally and physically than she had ever done in her entire life, she had been sorely tempted to break out of the house and find something, anything, alcoholic to take the pain away. But the memory of that look on Asami's face filled her mind, and she forced herself to endure a sleepless night of pain and misery. Days two and three passed much the same as day one; she managed to eat some instant noodles and keep them down, but she spent most of the time curled up in a shivering ball of misery with a blanket wrapped around her. Day four saw her ranting and raving as the threw the furniture about, raging against what she saw as the injustice of the world. She shouted and cursed and yelled at the walls, demanding to know why she had been chosen to be the Avatar? Why what was supposed to be such a great honour had taken from her something that was such a basic and fundamental part of what it was to be a woman? She cursed Asami, Opal and Kuvira, how happy then had been while pregnant and after giving birth. Why, she demanded to know of the universe, should they have that happiness that had been denied her? She cursed Zaheer and every last member of the Red Lotus Society, convinced that it was their act that had poisoned her body against ever creating new life. She cursed herself for being weak; too weak to be the Avatar if something as simple as a bottle of brandy could defeat her. Eventually, she ran out of words and just screamed at the walls until her throat became raw and she was unable to make a sound, so she went back to throwing the furniture around.
Day five was spent in silence, unmoving as tears ran down her face in unending torrents.
That night she lay still on the floor, eyes open but unfocused. All strength, both physical and mental had left her, and she waited for death to finally claim her, convinced that her family and the wider world would be better off without her. Maybe the next Avatar would be better, could lean from her mistakes, as she was sure the White Lotus would make sure they were told of them. Some point in the small hours, she closed her eyes and waited for oblivion, but it did not find her. Instead she awoke to find herself being held in two strong but tender arms. Looking up, she saw a woman, dressed in a green kimonos, face covered in white and red make-up. Korra knew that she should recognise her, but was unable to focus her mind. She tried to speak, but the stranger silenced her with a finger to her lips, then placed one hand on Korra's forehead, the other on her abdomen. A warm feeling seemed to envelop the Avatar, spreading out from where the hands were touching her until it infused every last inch of her very being. It soothed away all the pain, anger and guilt that had built up inside her, leaving only a calm peace in its place. She felt as if she was floating weightlessly in the cosmos, far from anything or anyone that could hurt her, yet still connected to the world in a way she simply could not articulate. She looked up at the woman, seeking some kind of explanation, but the stranger simply smiled, leaned back and faded away to nothingness, leaving Korra alone in infinity.
It was mid-afternoon when she finally awoke, her body sore and stiff, her cloths and hair caked in grime and sweat. Dragging herself to her feet, she staggered into the bathroom and sat under the shower, fully clothed until the water went from piping hot to icy cold. Drying herself off, she combed out all the knots that had formed in her hair, then silently dressed in a fresh set of cloths. Leaving the guest house on still somewhat shaky feet, she made her way to the main house, passing silent White Lotus sentries and the staff, unable to meet their eyes with her own, less they see just how bloodshot they were.
She found Asami in the living room with Mako and Kuvira, the metalbender holding San in her arms as they did their best to comfort their friend. They all looked up in surprise to see Korra standing in the doorway, but she silenced their questions with one raised hand, then took a deep breath.
"Hello. My name is Korra, and I'm an alcoholic."
To Be Continued...
(you may begin hating me now)