EDIT 7/13/21: A typo was found, so I'm fixing that, and I realized that FFN undid the formatting on my page breaks *bark snarl grr grr*, so I'm fixing that, too. Super quick reassurance that I forgot to give in this chapter and the previous AN: The next four chapters are literally uploaded to FFN, so when I say y'all will get an update tomorrow, I mean it.
The long-awaited Chapter 5! Let me know if y'all catch any typos in here. Quick reminder that I'm changing my pen name this week, so don't be surprised.
Alice dragged Edward into the waiting room where the others were. Carlisle had gotten back with the car now, so they were all there.
"You guys can go in and see her now. She's actually not very angry at any of us, but some things have happened that we didn't know about." Alice quickly explained the situation with the wolves and Victoria. "We'll join you guys in a second, I just have to straighten something out with Edward first." She growled the last part.
Once the others left, Alice turned to Edward. "Suicide? Really, Edward?" Alice scorned quietly enough that the humans couldn't hear them. She was trying to wound his male pride, but Edward, of course, knew that, so it wouldn't work. Stupid mind readers. He heard that and glared at her.
"Don't act like you hadn't guessed that that was my plan before all of this," he gestured with his hand.
She had known, in the back of her mind, what Edward was planning after Bella was gone, but she didn't like to think about it. And of course, she had assumed they had years, decades even, until she had to talk him out of this.
And of course, Edward knew all of this because he was a damned mind reader.
He doesn't appreciate how hard it is to have a conversation with him.
"And wouldn't it be easier to just not have this conversation?" he replied, smirking.
I'm not an idiot, you idiot. She spoke before he could reply to her thoughts. "Yes, most of us guessed, but have you even spoken to Bella about this? Don't you think that she would want you to continue on? She's over there, dying, because of pure bad luck and you just want to throw your life away? Just think for a moment about how disrespectful that would be!"
Edward sighed. "Alright, alright, now can we please go back in there?" Alice still stood there, glaring up at him.
Of course not! I'm not done-
He cut her off. "Oh, look, there's Jacob Black." He pointed to the doorway that Jacob had just entered from. "Let's go before one of us picks a fight."
Refusing to take no for an answer, Edward dragged her back towards Bella's room. Alice sighed and let him.
This is so not over.
"I know it isn't."
~O~
Rosalie sat in the chair between Jasper and Emmett, still managing to maintain perfect posture and grace. Carlisle stood in the corner, reviewing Bella's charts and hoping that there was something her doctors had missed. Esme sat on Bella's bed, smoothing out her blankets, needing something for her hands to do.
"Oh, Bella, we're so sorry," Esme said in her soft, melodic voice. Bella marveled at how much her memory didn't do it justice.
"Don't be sorry, Esme," Bella smiled sadly. "You came to visit me. All of you. I wasn't expecting that, and I'm grateful for it."
"And let Edward take up all your time? Please, you must believe that we wouldn't subject you to His Royal Broodiness all week." Emmett almost didn't fit into the hospital chair. Rosalie let out a soft chuckle, and even Esme smiled. Carlisle was still engrossed in her charts, though.
"Did he hear that?" Bella asked in a mischievous tone. Jasper nodded, and she laughed. The others started at the loud sound, but she watched their surprise switch to worry when her laughter turned into equally loud, wracking coughs.
Edward rushed back into the room, Alice in tow. "Bella, are you alright, love?" he asked as soon as he was by her side.
Bella tried to nod, but she didn't think the gesture was apparent enough. Words certainly wouldn't work right now. For once, she wished that Edward could read her mind, if only to banish the pained expression from his face.
Carlisle had finally finished, or at least paused, his perusal. "Help her sit up, Edward-"
"She needs to stretch out her lungs, yes," Edward finished his thought for him. Bella tried to nod again. She knew from experience that would work.
Careful not to disturb the various tubes and wires she was connected to, Edward propped Bella up into a sitting position, and distangled her arms from said wires and tubes so she could lift them.
"Sorry about that," she said once the coughing had passed, arms still in the air. "I get coughing fits from time to time. Charlie thinks it's because the air in here is too dry. Can someone get me some water?"
Jasper darted out. Bella frowned. "Is this too much for him?"
Alice shook her head. "Not in the way you're thinking. Don't worry, Bella. You don't smell appetizing at all right now."
She furrowed her brows. "Uhh, thanks, I guess?"
Edward chuckled. "Alice only means that your blood has too many drugs in it to smell like food. Similar to the way that toxins smell bad to humans, we can smell artificial substances in your bloodstream. We can't smell sickness or infection, because viruses or bacteria can't harm us, but we do absorb anything dissolved in the bloodstream with the blood. So you would pass on whatever drugs are in your system, and vampires rarely appreciate that. Jasper is getting overwhelmed by the emotions in the room, though."
"Oh." By now, Jasper had returned with a bottled water. Bella drank it greedily and put her arms back down.
"Esme, dear, do you mind taking Emmett and Rose to go unpack? I need Edward, Jasper, and Alice to make sure the treaty is still valid with the wolves. We're required to officially notify them and renew the treaty every time we return to the area."
Bella could see the logic in Carlisle's words. Leave Emmett, the most intimidating and impulsive member out of the situation. Take Rose with him so she wouldn't spike any tempers either. Edward was necessary because he was the mind reader, Jasper could get them out of any sticky situations, and Alice would mellow them both out. Meaning Esme was not necessary, so why would his mate need to endanger herself needlessly? And leaving Carlisle with Bella.
She knew Edward saw it too, and also knew why he would protest. "I don't want to leave Bella alone. Not with Victoria on the loose. Alice and Jasper can go without me."
Carlisle sighed. She could tell he'd expected this too. "Edward, I'm not going to let you leave Alice and Jasper at a serious disadvantage. And I'll be here with Bella."
She waited for Carlisle to say something else, because surely that alone wouldn't have convinced Edward, but he must've finished mentally. Edward stood up, but didn't look happy about it.
"I'll be back soon, love," he whispered, kissing her hair. She blinked. What was happening again?
"Bye, Edward," she said, still dazed. He grinned.
"I'm so happy I can still do that."
Before she could come up with something snarky, Alice cleared her throat. Bella could see the mental chastisement written on her face. "Bye Bella!" Alice waved and they left the room.
Bella fell back against her pillows. That was exhausting. I need a nap. But it looked like Carlisle wanted her attention now. He stood at the edge of her bed.
"So what's the verdict, doc?" she asked, even though she already knew.
He sighed. "Well, you have stage IV pancreatic cancer. Even though my specialty is cardiology, not oncology, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?"
She nodded. "I don't mind." She'd already been poked, prodded, and interrogated an endless amount of times throughout this whole ordeal. What was one more, especially if it brought someone she cared about some peace of mind?
"Did they ever talk to you about surgery? Removing all, or just part, of your pancreas?"
"It had already spread to the surrounding blood vessels by the time they diagnosed it."
"There are some centers that have made wonderful progress in reconstructing affected blood vessels. Were you told that you were a good candidate for that?"
Bella looked away. "I would've been the perfect candidate, except… I could never get my weight up, or my vitamin levels high enough. They said that there was too much of a chance that I would die from the surgery, not the cancer."
"Chemo? Radiation?"
"The cancer wouldn't respond," Bella said softly. "At the end of the day, palliative care was all they could do for me."
Palliative care. Care that eases the symptoms but doesn't cure the disease, her oncologist had explained.
Carlisle wasn't done though. "I could get you into clinical trials. You could try immunotherapy, or targeted therapy."
Bella smiled. "And how many of those are for Stage IV cancer patients?"
Carlisle sat at the edge of her bed. "You're truly at peace with this?"
"I am." She nodded. "I've been at peace with this for a long time. I'll tell you a secret: that's why I had the letter as last on my bucket list. I knew that if I hadn't been ready to die when I saw one of you, it would have hurt too much. To see a life that I missed."
"Bella, know that I do not make this offer lightly. I would change you, if you wished. You know how the end will go with cancer. You'll have to choose between being clear headed and being without pain in these upcoming days. Being turned would be more painful than the cancer, but pain medicine might have an effect on that. It was too late for me to try with Emmett, but I could try with you. And after, you and Edward would have forever with each other."
She frowned. "I've made my peace with death, Carlisle, in whatever form it will come. The biggest reason I would want to not die is so that my family and friends don't have to endure that pain. If I were changed, we would have to fake my death anyways. And then there's the crazy newborn year. I'm afraid I wouldn't have the self control for that. I don't want to be the reason Edward has to seclude himself for a year, or that you all would have to move if I slipped up. What you do every day, Carlisle, is amazing. I don't know if I could do the same. And I don't think life is just about being alive, or experiences. I think it's about the people you meet along the way. I've met some amazing people, you and your family included. You all have made the best of unfortunate circumstances. You've created a family from a cast of broken characters. But if I were to live longer, if I were to do it all over again, I'd spend more time with the people that I love. Yes, that means Edward and all of you, but it also means Charlie and Renee and Jacob and Angela. I don't think it's healthy for Edward and I to be each others' entire worlds again."
Carlisle smiled. "I don't think Edward could have picked a better mate. And, for the record, I think you would've been just fine for your first year. But I respect your decision."
Bella closed her eyes momentarily. "Was that the only reason you sent them away? Surely you could've unpacked and renewed the treaty later."
Carlisle laughed. "Of course I could've, but this discussion wasn't my only reason either. I also sent them away so you could get some rest."
She would've also laughed, but she was already asleep.
~O~
Bella was hearing voices in her dreams. Which was weird, because she hadn't dreamed since her doctor had increased her pain medication dosage. Which was a long time ago.
"Why are you here?" A velvet voice asked.
"I have more of a right to be here than you do. At least she would want me here," a rougher, deeper voice replied.
"She does want me here. She took me back," the velvet voice said softly.
"What a miracle."
"You still haven't said why you were here."
"To protect her from that damn red headed leech. She showed up the other night while I was gone."
"Well, I'm here to protect Bella from Victoria, so you can go back to your dog house, mutt."
"If I thought you were enough to protect her, blood sucker, I would."
"You're dead on your feet. It's not like you'd be much help."
"And when's the last time you've fed? You almost look as sickly as her."
The voices were quiet for a moment. It was almost as if one had crossed a line, made the conversation or argument uncomfortable.
"She doesn't talk in her sleep anymore."
"I never knew she did that. Charlie said she used to scream, though."
The velvet voice sounded like it was in pain. "Stop that."
"Stop reading my mind, then."
"You know I can't do that."
"Hmph." The deep voice paused. "She did tell me that she stopped dreaming a while ago. Maybe that's when she stopped talking in her sleep."
One of the voices yawned, but for some reason, she knew it wasn't the velvet one.
"Go to sleep, Jacob. I am perfectly capable of keeping Victoria away."
"I'm sure you were perfectly capable of keeping her away all those months that you were gone, but that doesn't change the fact that you didn't."
"I'm not going to leave again."
"Even if you should?"
"What reason could there possibly be that would make me think I should leave?"
"Because you're already planning on leaving again. Look at what that did to her last time."
The velvet voice was pained again. She wanted it to not be. "I'm only leaving after she dies, and trust me, it'll be a one way trip."
"Don't tell me you're going to off yourself."
Silence.
"You are! I'm definitely not leaving now."
"What does my imminent suicide have to do with your current lack of departure?"
The deeper voice got louder. "I'm not trusting someone who wants to die with Bella's life."
"I don't want to die now, you idiot. But I can't live without her."
"Ohhhh, because that was so impossible a few months ago."
The velvet voice raised its volume. "Leave."
"No, you leave!"
"Why on Earth would I leave? I was here first! You leave."
Bella was starting to wake up now. She didn't want to, though. This was the first time she'd dreamed in a long time. Strangely, though, the voices were getting louder, not fading away into her subconscious.
Speaking of the voices. "Actually, I got to her first, so really, I was here first. That's why I'm telling you to leave."
"You only got here first because I left after having met her first. 'That's what I'm telling you to leave.'" The velvet voice mimicked the deeper one.
"This is ridiculous. I'm much more equipped to handle a vampire attack than you are."
"And you would tear up the oncology department in the process. I very much think that Bella would like to keep this building intact."
"Still, I've got teeth and claws and I'm faster than most vamps. You'd just be working with your bare hands, and you're just as flammable as the red head. I'm practically immune to fire."
"No one is immune to fire, you dolt! The only thing you seem to be immune to is common sense! Experience is everything. You've only torn up one vampire, and that was with your pack, who are all, guess what, asleep! Just like you should be!"
"That's why I need to be here, to notify the pa-"
"Both of you, quiet down! There's a goddamn cancer patient in here asleep. Edward, show some respect for your… whatever she is to you. Jacob, also show some respect to… I've just realized I don't know what she is to you either." A southern drawl whispered. Edward… Jacob… and was that… Jasper?
"Why didn't you just use your abilities?" the velvet voice, that Bella now knew as Edward, asked.
"Because it's not good to just suppress emotions over and over again. I'm feeling the same things from you both that I felt at the meeting, and that means these emotions are going to pop up whenever y'alls are in the same room together, with or without me. So you both need to go outside and hash it out. I've got Bella."
Edward paused. "Are you sure it's not too much for you?"
"Edward, with all due respect, your… girlfriend, I guess, looks like death warmed over and smells like a cocktail of chemo drugs, opioids, and a host of things that I can't place. She's the least appetizing thing in this room. A newborn wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole. Go work out your issues and come back ready to focus on the dying person, not some kindergarten level rivalry."
The next sound Bella heard was the door creaking closed, and if she hadn't already been awake, she would've been then. "Jasper, can you pass me my water?" she croaked.
"Sure thing, darlin'." It was too dark to see, but she felt him press a bottle to her hand and help her sit up.
"Sorry about that," she said, her voice considerably less gravely. "What time is it?"
"I do believe it is about 12:30 in the morning." Jasper sat in the chair at her bedside now, where Charlie usually sat.
"Lovely. I have hours until the sun comes up, but I doubt I'll be able to get back to sleep." Bella sighed.
"I'm sorry those two woke you up." Strangely, Jasper sounded more regretful than he should've for a statement like that.
"It's okay. They both have their moments; I know that. Anyhow, that's not even your fault."
The lights were off, but her hospital room was never truly dark. The screen monitoring her vitals was always on, and the hallway lights were never shut off, not to mention the emergency lights on the floor of her room. So it wasn't strange talking to Jasper without the ceiling lights on, even though the strange lighting illuminated scars she'd never noticed on him before. Vampire bite scars. She knew better than to ask, though. Death had taught her a great many things, one of them being that scars rarely matter when it comes to day-to-day interactions with someone.
"Not that I'm not grateful to you for saving me from that," she gestured to the door that Edward and Jacob had gone out of. "But that's not the only reason you're here, is it?"
Jasper sighed. "Edward told us how perceptive you were when you first met him, but I never really believed him until now. Yes, I have been meaning to catch you alone, partly because you're so… calm. Edward and Alice, and most of our family, are emotional hailstorms of sadness and anger and basically all the different emotions that zip themselves into a trenchcoat and call themselves 'grief.' And whenever Jacob is around, anger spikes in everyone but you, and whenever you cough, fear and pain spike in everyone but you, and you're really the only person I can get any measure of peace around, so I can tell my emotions from the others' emotions."
Jasper looked relieved once he finished, but he still seemed almost sorrowful.
Bella paused for a moment, wanting to ask a question but not knowing whether it was appropriate or not, before deciding, fuck it, I don't have time to learn the answer if I don't ask now.
"If you don't mind me asking, what are your emotions, Jasper?"
"It would be disrespectful for me to say that I'm heartbroken, or that my feelings come anywhere near Edward's and my Alice's. In truth, I've always been prepared for your death, no matter what Alice said about Edward turning you. I felt his dedication to keeping you human, and I knew that, barring something like divine intervention, you would die. What I didn't expect was that I might indirectly cause your death, and for that, I am immeasurably sorry for, Bella."
She blinked. "I don't understand."
"Because I lost control, on your birthday, Edward had us leave. Earlier, Carlisle was thinking that we might have been able to catch the cancer earlier, through scent, if we'd been here. I know I'm not responsible for us leaving, or for you getting cancer. But you, Edward's mate, had to go through the worst moments of your life without his support. And that's on me, at least partially."
Jasper stared at her, and she knew he wasn't telling her this as a soul desperate for absolution. No, he was telling her this as a man prepared for judgement, in whatever form it came.
"Jasper," Bella said, even though she knew she already had his attention. "I say this hoping that I only have to say this once, because I hope you can feel how true it is. I forgive you. No one could have foreseen this turn of events, not even Alice. And Edward is more to blame for the timeline you laid out, and I forgave him. I don't hold any of this against you, and I thank you for your honesty."
Jasper nodded, and they sat in comfortable silence for a few moments.
Eventually, Bella gestured to the door. "Are they almost done? Can you tell if they've reached emotional equilibrium yet?"
Jasper chuckled darkly. "I doubt they will reach emotional equilibrium for a very, very long time, Bella."
What'd you guys think? Did Carlisle's and Jasper's conversations seem realistic? I did mean for Rosalie to have a similar conversation with Bella, but the chapter was running too long. Let me know if they are any typos! See you on Wednesday!