I can't believe he has just gone like that. Kate comes out from her room cautiously.
"I didn't hear any shouting but did he leave?" she asks
"Yes, he needs time to think about this" I tell her.
"I can understand that" she begins "but don't let him think for too long. You need to know where you stand so you can do what you need to do honey"
"I know Kate, thank you, I am going to go to bed now" I feel so tired but decide to have a shower. I let the water cascade over me, hoping to find answers in each droplet that hits my body but none come. I lay in bed with the leaflets the doctor gave me, I try to read them but I can't focus enough on them without knowing what Christian thinks. I wonder if he will be in the office tomorrow?
The morning comes and for a moment everything is good in my world but then I remember and heaviness settles on my shoulders. I reach down and touch my tummy and start a conversation with blip. It's silly I know, blip is little bigger than a pea but it feels comforting. I get out of bed and pick an outfit for work before heading to the bathroom. Kate is in the kitchen, she smiles at me and says good morning mummy. That makes me beam, it sound so nice to hear the mummy word. I manage a little toast and water this morning, Kate thrusts the ginger biscuits into my bag as I leave and tells me to eat little and often, drink plenty of water and no stress! HA no stress, I will be lucky but it is nice to know she cares.
Christian's car is not in its usual spot in the parking lot. The ever present Taylor informs me Mr. Grey had to attend a meeting at another GEH office but maybe in later. I relax a little at that information, maybe he will text or mail me today. I regularly check my messages and e-mails but nothing so I decide to take the bull by the horns and e-mail him.
To: Mr Christian Grey, CEO Grey Enterprise Holdings.
From: Miss Anastasia Steele, Assistant Editor SIP.
Dear Christian,
I know what I told you last night was a shock, as it was for me too. I need your input; I need to know your thoughts and feelings about this. Please talk to me soon.
Ana x
I hesitate thinking perhaps I should wait for him to call but... but...
I nibble on a small piece of ginger biscuit as a wave of nausea washes over me. Thank goodness I have an en-suite bathroom in my office, I can tuck myself away in there for a moment or two without anyone suspecting something is up. Oh I had forgotten that I will start to show a bump at some point but I hope that will be a little way in the future.
By the end of the day my message remains unanswered. I am disappointed that he didn't even reply he was still thinking and that would have been acceptable instead of silence.
The homeward bound journey was surprisingly clear; I think this is the quickest I have ever made it home at this time of night. Not that I am complaining of course and when I get to the parking lot I see Christians car parked in the corner. My heart skips a beat and I am exceptionally nervous as I go up in the elevator. I open the door and there he is sitting on the sofa looking fifty shades of shitty! He is wearing the same clothes as last night, he has a five o'clock shadow, and he obviously hasn't showered or slept by the looks of it.
"Hi Christian" I lean down and kiss his cheek but he doesn't respond back.
"I can't do this Ana, I am not father material, hell I am too screwed up to be a father" as he runs his hand agitatedly through his hair "I can barely look after myself and I have the emotional capacity of a fucktard. I don't want to screw up a child's life as well" he looks absolutely bereft at the words he has just spoken.
"Christian, yes it's a big responsibility but you would surprise yourself at how wonderful you could be" I start to choke up.
"Wonderful, you think I would be wonderful? How naïve are you Ana? I was a screwed up kid, my mother was a druggie who died in front of me when I was four years old, I have no idea who my father is or if he is still alive. I have been tied up, whipped and fucked as an underage boy by a fucking bitch of a so called family friend, and have used the experience to do the same to other women. I have ruthlessly chewed up and spat out companies who have pissed me off and because it was a big deal. I am not the hearts and flower person you want me to be Ana. I am a bastard who will hurt you and a child so I can't, I just can't… sorry…" his head drops into his hands.
"So you are saying you don't want to play any part in our child's life?" I am starting to get angry.
"You're going to keep it?" he looks up astounded.
"Yes I am Christian but by you saying you can't have anything to do with blip means that you don't want anything to do with me then? Because we come as a package deal now, both or none" I spit.
"Why are you doing this to me?" he says quietly.
"Doing what Christian? This is our child, both of us made this baby and I am not willing to give up on it. Believe it or not we have 'bonded' already from the moment I found out. I would dearly love to be a family; it's always been my dream to achieve what my parents could not, a happy relationship with children if I was lucky. Well it seems I am lucky in one aspect and it's your decision as to whether I will be lucky in the other" I have my hands on my hips and my body language is showing I am extremely annoyed.
"I can't think, it was a mistake to come here, I need to go" and for the second time he gets up and leaves without another word.
I guess this leaves me with my answer; I look down at my tummy and say well it looks like it's you and me kiddo. Life as a single mom, it's going to be hard but we will manage.
I call the doctors in the morning to make a follow up appointment for 10 days' time with Dr Lewis, I feel cautiously optimistic, I am still very early and the chance of miscarriage is higher at the moment but I am getting excited. I told Kate I was not going to tell anyone until after my 12 week scan and I also gingerly approach our living arrangement. I tell her I am happy to find somewhere else to work and live but it seems she has it all worked out in her mind already. The box room that is next to my bedroom will be turned into a cot room so that blip can go in there when ready and she is showing me this and that in catalogues. The safest travel system, baby monitors and such like, I really need her enthusiasm at the moment, at least someone in my life besides me is trying to help.
The next ten days pass in a haze of cautious optimism, fear and apprehension and disappointment that Christian hasn't contacted me. I hurry to my doctor's appointment completely forgetting Taylor is still following me. Maybe that's a good thing, it means Christian still believes I need protection but I feel obliged to tell him why I am here again.
"Taylor, may I ask you a question please?" I say
"Of course Miss Steele" he smiles.
"Is Mr. Grey alright? I am sure you realize all has not been normal between us the last few weeks" I cautiously ask him.
"No Miss Steele, he has not been alright, he hasn't informed me why but I gather something big is going on as I have never seen him this out of sorts before" he tells me.
"I am pregnant with his child Taylor and he doesn't seem to want anything to do with us anymore" I say honestly.
He looks a little astonished and struggles to find his voice.
"Well, err congratulations Miss Steele and I hope the two of you can work something out" I really think he means that too.
"Thank you Taylor" and I walk into the surgery and take a seat.
Doctor Lewis calls me in and immediately says she can see a difference in my demeanour.
"I would say from your face you have made a decision about where you are going from this point onwards" she deduces correctly.
"Yes I have Doctor" I begin "I am keeping the baby, the father is still not sure at the role he is going to play however with or without him I am proceeding" I have a huge smile on my face and the doctor smiles back.
"Ok Miss Steele, we will run through a few things and then you can ask me any questions you might have" she offers me an A4 sized book that I need to fill in as much as possible before my next appointment in 4 weeks.
"How is your nausea?" she asks
"It worse in the mornings and evening, certain smells can set me off as well" oh boy can they, Kate cooked garlic chicken one evening last week and I couldn't eat it.
"That's quite normal, are you holding fluids down ok? And not getting too tired with work?" she continues
"For the most part fluids are staying down, work is tiring but fortunately I can work from home at times if needed" I hope he would let me anyways. She wraps a blood pressure cuff around my arm and pumps the balloon until she is satisfied it's a proper reading.
"Good good, I need a urine sample today" as she proffers me a pot and points to the bathroom. I return a few moments later with the sample which tests to be normal.
"We will do some bloods also today so we have baseline results for comparison to future results and to check your blood group" I hate needles! Fortunately she hits the vein first time and I am relieved.
"Great" she says "we will get these run and if anything shows up I will call to discuss them with you, I also need to know the babies fathers blood group, if you could get his physician to call me as soon as possible as we may need to implement some treatment if you are different types"
"Ok will find out as soon as possible" which may be easier said than done.
"Is there anything else you would like to ask me? Any concerns?" I have loads of concerns but most relating to Christian and what he is doing or not doing!
"Am I ok to swim? I haven't swam for a while but figure it would be better than cycling, I jog as well, is that ok?" all these things you have to consider now, it seems unreal.
"If you have jogged for a while then keep going but expect to stop when the baby has grown enough to make it uncomfortable. Light swimming is fine, no Olympic lengths or strenuous strokes though" she advises.
"Please feel free to call me if you are worried about anything, I also have the number for the Neo Natal Unit at Northwest Hospital Childbirth Centre, assuming you want to use a hospital for the birth?" that hasn't even crossed my mind.
"Err I guess but I haven't thought about it but I will take a number" argh, so much to remember.
"They have a tour of the hospital and facilities at certain times, I would recommend you to find out when and go to have a look around" ok that sounds like a good idea.
"Ok Miss Steele, my office will send you an appointment for your twelve week scan and you will see me again at that time but again please contact me if you have any worries" I feel a little reassured by her and the information she has given me. I allow my mind to wander into the future and try and picture blip and I together, what he/she will look like, I drive home feeling contented and I have not felt that in a very long while.