We reach the hospital unscathed and fortunately hospital security has been beefed up since the news report named Grace as a doctor here. Our entrance in to the hospital is uneventful and I am outside of Christian's room in a flash. I look through the door, see he is not in his bed and panic slightly. I push open the door calling his name and find him coming out of the bathroom; he looks like he has had a shower.
"Oh Christian, you should have waited for me to come, I would have helped you, and it's not wise to be doing this on your own…" I stop as Grace comes out from behind him.
"Hi Ana, don't worry, he knows better than to try this on his own at the moment" she smiles.
"Hi Baby, how are you? And how are my little ones today?" he winces as he sits on the side of the bed.
"Oh I am good, you look better today, having a shower has revitalised you" I say positively.
"Mom, please can I put some normal clothes, these hospital gowns are so scratchy" he almost begs Grace.
"Ok but only if you let me help you put them on" Grace bargains with him.
"You have got me, I can't really object, can i?" he gripes.
"No you can't, here lift your left leg" he does as he is told "You have physio in an hour"
With a t-shirt and jogging bottoms on he looks more like my Christian and certainly more comfortable. I go over to him and we embrace properly since before the incident. His hands are running all over my body while his lips and tongue do some sensuous exploring. Oh it feels so good the finally be able to touch and hold him properly.
"Oh Ana, I have missed this so much, your touch, smell and oh the way you make me feel" he whispers "look down"
I do and see he is totally hard and aroused with the dirtiest look of wanton lust I have ever seen from him in a long time.
"Christian Grey!" I exclaim "You are badly wounded and should not be getting so excited, it might set you back days or even weeks in your recovery" I wink and chuckle because all the time I have been saying those words, my hand has been stroking and caressing, teasing and taunting his huge erect penis "besides, you don't want a huge boner when the physio comes in to see you, that would be most distracting and it is for my eyes only fella"
"Well you can talk Mrs Anastasia Grey, your nipples are as hard as rocks and if I could reach into your panties, I bet I would find you are wet" he teases.
There is a knock and a cough and we separate hastily. The physio is a man called Phil and is built like a brick outhouse so I don't think he will take any nonsense from Christian. Whilst Phil starts to put Christian through his paces I feed Max who has awoken. I settle into the comfy chair that is in Christian's room and he settles to feed but ten minutes in he starts to fuss so I switch him to the other side and he settles again, this time for only a couple of minutes before he kicks up a huge fuss.
I can see Christian looking over and he is not concentrating on what he should be doing. I stand up and carry Max out of the room, the lovely porter Alex who I met on several previous occasions happens to be passing, I ask him to carry Melissa over to Nicu for me and he is more than happy to help. He asks me how things are going now and I give him a brief overview of the last few days. Nurse Diane is in the Nicu thank goodness.
"Ana, good to see you, what's wrong?" she sees the look on my face.
"Thank you so much Alex, I really appreciate your help" I say.
"Anytime Ana" he smiles and leaves the room.
"I can't get Max to feed, he was on one side for ten minutes before fussing, so I tried the other side but that was even worse" I feel all choked up.
"Calm down Ana, it's probably a catalogue of thing that can affect your milk supply. Tell me what has been happening over the last few days" she asks as she directs me to a comfy chair.
"Well we took Melissa home, all was good but I fell asleep on the sofa and had a horrible horrible nightmare. The woman that shot Christian had come to kidnap the twins and she pointed a gun at me before I was shaken awake" the tears roll again.
"Oh that sounds awful Ana but you also must remember that you went through several traumas yourself, witnessing your husband getting shot, having two babies by two different methods, surgery in itself has a huge impact on your body. You have been travelling backwards and forwards, probably missed a couple of meals" she smiles and I look sheepishly at her before nodding.
"I didn't mean too but with everything…"
"It's ok Ana, most new moms have only the new baby to deal with, you have had twins, you are looking after your own health and that of your husband, I don't want to be discouraging but you may have to combine feeding breast milk with formula" she tells me.
I must look horrified "Ana, it's not a failure on your part, absolutely nothing you have done wrong. It's a case of circumstances that your body is fighting against" she says.
"But it would be so much better for me to breast feed them and i…"I start
"Ana, what I suggest is for you to feed them but if they are unsatisfied give them a bottle but most importantly keep expressing as often as you can so your milk in whatever quantity will continue to flow. That way if at, for example, 2am there is not enough breast milk, rather than struggling, use a bottle and try again the next feed. Remember Ana, it is not your fault, it happens, ok?" she is doing her best to reassure me.
"So I need to get some bottles and formula" is all I can manage.
"Yes but right now" she proffers a baby milk bottle of formula "give this to Max, he has had some from you so this should be enough to satisfy him and I will give this one to Melissa which has a little more in"
Max instantly quietens while he tucks in to his bottle, I look over at Melissa and she is contented but I still feel a failure.
"Remember Ana, they have had the most important bit from you-colostrum, which is the first milky substance that comes through and lasts for about 3 days, it contains antibodies and nutrients so even if you have to switch to bottle feeding totally, and they have had the best already"
I try to force a smile, perhaps I will chat to Grace later and see if she has any suggestions to change this but for now I can't have hungry babies. After an hour, which is quick when two people take one twin each, I make my way back to Christian, a student nurse from the Nicu carries Max for me. Christian is asleep when I get back and I feel really disappointed as I wanted to talk to him but it will have to wait. I remembered via Gail to bring some snacks with me so I tuck into some carrots and cucumber and drink some orange juice and I have to admit I feel a little better afterwards.
"Baby? Are you there?" Christian's voice draws me over to him.
"I'm here, you ok?" I ask slightly concerned.
"Where did you go?"
"I went to see the Nicu nurse for some advice" I explain.
"What's wrong?" he tries to sit up quickly but struggles.
"Nothing's wrong with them but I am struggling to feed them both" I start to tear up again "I feel a failure Christian, I can't even do this for them"
"Come here baby, sshhhhhh, its ok" he soothes, just the sound of his voice calms me somewhat "Let's talk to Mom when she comes back later" I nod in agreement.
"Do you want to hold the twins?" I ask and he eagerly tries to sit up.
"WAIT,wait" I say "I will help you" here goes the independent stubborn Christian. I put an extra pillow behind to help support his back before giving him Max to hold.
"I think we need to discuss some middle names for them, we never got that far before…." He goes quiet.
"Oh that's a good idea" I say brightly "let me just get a pen and paper and we can write down our options"
"Let's start with Max, do we want to stick with family names or go outside of the box and choose our own? He says.
"I would like to think of others to see what we can come up with" I say, much as I like family names I want to see if any others suit.
"Let's try Max first" he starts "Ummm, errr ok I can't think of any"
"I like Alexander or Samuel…." I am interrupted.
"How about Maxwell Alexander Christian Grey?" he sounds excited but it certainly has a nice ring to it. I scribble it down on the piece of paper.
"Ok, what about Melissa?"
"Ooh I know" he makes me jump "How about Melissa Lauren Anastasia Grey?"
"I love that!" I extol "Shall we go with those then?" and he nods in response "Well that was easier than I thought it was going to be"
"Give the details to Mom and she will sort out the registration paperwork"
"Ok I will when I see her later tonight" I say
He yawns "I'm sorry pumpkin, I feel so tired. I love you" and in a flash he is asleep without hearing my reply.
I think I am going to go home for a few hours, try and rest, have some food and maybe a sleep. Yes a sleep sounds good. I phone Taylor and tell him I am ready to go home.
It feels good to get home, it seems most of the press are camping at the hospital rather than here now perhaps hoping for a scoop from a member of hospital staff as they know our lips are sealed.
Gail is prepared with some lunch, I would assume Taylor had phoned ahead to say I was coming home. Hmm salmon and cucumber sandwich, a banana and cup of tea hits the spot.
"Gail, were you going to the shops this afternoon?" I ask
"Yes I am as a matter of fact, what can I get you?" she says.
"I'm not doing so great with breast feeding at the moment and I need to supplement them with formula when required but I don't want anyone to see me shopping for this stuff" I start to cry again, Goodness me Ana what's wrong with you? Stop all this crying!
Gail rushes over and gives me a huge hug "Ana, it's ok to feel like this, really it is. You have been through so much over the last couple of weeks I am surprised you are not rocking in the corner sucking your thumb" I love Gail's sayings and I can't help but giggle. "That's better" she smiles.
"Here's a list, I really appreciate this Gail" I say as I blow my nose.
"Why don't you eat something and rest, that's an order!" she can be scary sometimes I chuckle to myself but she is right i need to chill.
I settle into a chair, eat my sandwich before the changing and feeding cycle starts again.