With the feeding and things done I drift off to sleep in the chair, I am gently woken by Gail who has returned with everything on my list and more.
"Ana, I have your things here and I think a nappy change is needed, Max is fussing" Gail tells me.
"Oh, right, thank you Gail" I get up to tend to Max and instantly feel guilty I didn't hear him and the tears come again.
"I am so sorry Max, so sorry" I whisper to him as I change his nappy and clothes before holding him close, breathing in his baby scent helps to calm me. Then Melissa starts fussing, I lay Max down in his cot while I attend to Missy, when I have sorted her I lay her in the other cot. The baby monitor is set up so I take the handset and go into the bathroom and freshen up my face before going to the kitchen. Gail has got all the feeding equipment set up and ready for me, I look at that and the dinner bubbling away on the stove and I start to cry again.
"Is there anything I can do Ana?" Gail asks quietly.
"Oh you have done so much already Gail, I would be a basket case if you weren't here" I say between sobs.
"Ana, you have had so much to deal with it would be enough to upset anyone" she comes around the counter and gives me a hug.
The monitor announces that dinnertime for the twins has arrived.
"Go Ana; I will prepare the bottles for you"
"Thank you" I mouth and walk toward the nursery. Max is being the loudest so I settle into the rocking chair and start feeding. We go quite well for about fifteen minutes before he gets unsettled, Gail happens to come in at that moment with the bottles ready to go.
"Here, let me take Max while you start with Melissa" she opens her arms and takes him before sitting down in the other rocking chair where he contently carries on with the bottle. I try Melissa on the other side and she is fine for a little while but have to resort to the bottle.
"Gail, can I ask you a question?"
"Of course Ana, anything" she replies with a smile.
"When you were a nanny, did the mother of the children you cared for have problems with feeding?"
"Yes Ana, it is one of the hardest things to get absolutely right and lots of factors affect breast feeding too, stress, hormones, two babies, your own eating habits and the amount of sleep you have-I could go on. What I am trying to say is that I am not surprised that things are not straight forward for you with everything that has happened but the most important thing although this is only my opinion, is they have had something from you, the best part. If you have to bottle feed from now on then you have nothing to be upset about. They will thrive." She looks worried she might have stepped over the mark but I appreciate her experience and knowledge.
"Thank you Gail, I appreciate your honesty and I feel a little better now" I smile.
Max and Melissa settle once they are fed and winded giving me time to tuck into Gail's delicious Pork and Mushroom Casserole. As we are eating, Grace comes in after her shift.
"Evening Gail, Ana, hmm something smells delicious" she comments.
"Sit and I will get a plate for you" Gail offers.
"Thank you Gail" Grace sits down with a tired sigh.
"Busy day?" I ask.
"Yes but your husband, my son is already presenting a 'challenge' to everyone involved in his care" she smiles a weary smile.
"Oh, what is he doing?" I say although I think I know the answer already.
"He is refusing help to stand and walk, giving the physiotherapist a hard time, moaning about the food, the sheets and anything else you can think of" she sighs again.
"Oh silly silly man, doesn't he realize how much he could set himself back weeks if he fell, what am I saying, of course he knows but difficult is his middle name!" I laugh.
"I agree" Grace laughs too.
Gail returns with a third plate for Grace and silence reigns while we all tuck into our food. When we are all full I start the conversation about Christian's behaviour again.
"Do you think it would be wise to get him home and hire staff?"
"I think it is coming to that to be honest, he will listen to me more than others and it will be easier for everyone if he is here" Grace surmises.
"Yes, it will help me out tremendously not having to travel back and forth and Christian can spend some quality time with the twins too" I beam at that thought.
"I will consult with all the relevant staff tomorrow and get a consensus of opinions as to what he will need here but it's not going to be easy" I nod in agreement.
"How are my grandchildren?" Grace asks.
"Good although I am having difficulty breast feeding them enough so I have started to use bottles too" I start to choke up at the end.
"Ana, sweet Ana, please don't fret, I spoke to Diane in the Nicu and she told me your concerns. I agree with all of the advice she gave you, they will be fine with a combination or just bottle. The most important thing is that Mom and babies are happy" she puts one hand on each of my shoulders "Ana, you have done a fantastic job, they are thriving in your care and will continue to thrive whatever happens"
I throw my arms around her and sob hard, the flood gates have opened and I am making her shoulder wet with tears. I need to release the pent up anxiety, frustration, worry, pain and disappointment and it is all coming out.
Grace leads me to the sofa and sits me down, I am still clinging to her like a child and she begins rocking me gently. I hear soft nurturing noises, like I use to calm the twins and I eventually run out of tears as I calm down. Gail has brought some tissues in and I gratefully use one to blow my nose. I must look a real state but I do feel a little better.
"Sorry Grace, I didn't mean to have a meltdown on you" I sound like a have a bad cold and bunged up nose.
"I could see it coming Ana, a mix of the baby blues and PTSD"
"PTSD?" I ask.
"Post-traumatic stress disorder" she advises "Common after life changing events"
"Oh" I can't think of anything else to say.
The monitor lights flash and a cry emits from the speaker, Grace holds her hand up as I go to stand.
"Stay!" Grace commands and I am not going to argue.
I am exhausted, not an ounce of energy is left in my body and I lay my head on the back of the sofa and drift. I wake suddenly; it's dark apart from a hallway light casting a glow. A figure is hunched up on the chair in the corner covered in a blanket and I have a blanket covering me too. I am really confused; I rub my eyes and remember why they are so sore.
"Ana, are you alright?" I recognise Graces voice.
"What happened? Where am i?" my voice is panicky
"On the sofa, you fell asleep and I didn't have the heart to wake you" Grace tells me.
"The twins?"
"They are fine" she holds up the monitor and I breathe a sigh of relief "why don't you go to bed now?"
"I think I will, thank you Grace" I turn and walk to the bedroom where Max and Melissa are sound asleep. I sink into the bed, snuggle into Christian's T-shirt and fall asleep again.
I awake a while later, I have absolutely no idea what time I came to bed or what time it is now but it is light, it hurts my sore eyes as I squint to block the brightness. I check the cribs and both my beautiful children are peacefully sleeping. I walk into the bathroom, see the state of my face from crying last night, red and blotchy with swollen eyelids, ugh, and shower time.
A knock at the bedroom door brings me out of the bathroom, I find Gail outside with a tray of food for breakfast.
"Oh thank you Gail, that's so kind" I say "I am going to take a shower so I will tuck in when I finish"
"Are you feeling a little better this morning Ana? I was a little worried last night" she smiles.
"I do Gail, feel much better" I genuinely do.
"Are you going to the hospital today?"
"From what Grace was telling me about Christian's behaviour, I think I will need to be a peacekeeper and the voice of reason" I laugh and Gail laughs with me before turning back toward the kitchen.
A shower is refreshing, I manage to drink some juice and eat a slice of toast before Melissa stirs, she is not crying though so I pick up the monitor and go to make up their bottles. Taylor is at the counter.
"Good morning Mrs Grey"
"Hello Taylor, no sling?" his arm is no longer being supported.
"No ma'am, the doctors are happy for me to start using it more so I am returning to light to medium duties, driving etc." he tells me.
"That's fantastic news Taylor, I am so pleased" I smile.
"Are you off to the hospital today Ma'am?" Taylor asks.
"Yes I am, it seems he is causing some err issues for the staff and Grace is going to speak to his team to see if coming home is an option. We both agreed it might be easier all ways to get a team of private nurses and physiotherapists here at home. We will all be around to keep an eye on him, to make sure he does what he is told and to keep the peace" I chuckle and see Taylor and Gail pass a friendly but knowing look between them.
"Would you like me to drive you ma'am?" Taylor asks.
"If that would be ok, I am going to put the twins in the crèche as I know I will need my attention focused on Christian and what we will need to do" I say.
"Just let me know when you are ready"
"Thank you Taylor, I will" I start "I will start preparing us all to go"
I walk back to the bedroom grabbing their changing bag to top up with nappies, bottles and other supplies. I pick two outfits for the twins and while I wait for them to stir, I try and disguise the dark circles and redness around my eyes. I don't want Christian to be quizzing me or worrying about me when he has to concentrate on his own continuing recovery.
Melissa stirs so I dress her in a pink and white baby grow that has small embroidered flowers and teddies all over it. I talk to her, I tell her she is beautiful and how much Mommy and Daddy love her, her brother is handsome and how he tries to move nearer to her when lying on the floor together. I lay her in the car seat, turn to Max and begin the same conversation with him until we are all ready to go. I take them one by one to the apartment door where Taylor and Sawyer are waiting for me, each taking a baby and we head to the car.
I am surprised to find that only two members of the press are waiting outside Escala, as usual they fire a few questions at me that remain unanswered and we drive to the hospital unabated.
Our arrival at the hospital however is thwarted by news vans, reporters and police.
"What's going on Taylor?" I ask feeling confused.
"I am not sure Ma'am, we are going around to the back entrance" Taylor advises.
I feel nervous at the intrusion, is something going on with Christian or has another high profile patient checked in?
Sawyer gets out of the following car and does his normal checks before signalling to Taylor the all clear. The hospital's security form a barrier between the car exit and us to provide extra reassurance. We swiftly move through the hospital corridors to the crèche to leave Max and Melissa for a few hours; Taylor has called for extra security to be posted outside the crèche doors which I have to say I am relieved about. We then proceed to Christian's room…
"What do you think you are doing?"
"I don't want to do that!"
"Get away from me!"
"Mr Grey! If you continue to behave in this manner there will be no one to help look after you" an unfamiliar female voice rings out.
Oh he is most definitely feeling better but we are going to have to make alternative arrangements from now on!
A/N Thank you for your support.