The Shrine of Gensokyo

Chapter 27: Of Who I am

Original Concept: ZUN & Shanghai Alice

Written by: wrathie

...

...

Author's Notes: Has it been a month?

..

..

[I shall, take my leave now. Live your life fully and live the way you choose, Hakurei Reimu.]

..

..

[Yama-sama! I have just one question!]

Standing up, I scrambled to my feet to grab her rapidly fading form to ask her one final question.

[Is the path that I am threading now right? Is my actions justified? Yama-sama!]

..

..

[… …]

She never offered an answer, as Lady Sikeiki simply disappeared with the wind with a sad smile on her face.

[…]

..

..

..

[Sanae!]

A voice suddenly cried out to me and I spun around in confusion, losing my footing and slamming my poor head back onto the body of the gondola.

[Ahh…]

My vision slowly went black and the last thing I saw was Komachi's frantic expression as she rushed over to my side.

[Sanae-chan!]

[Sanae-chan!]

..

..

Ahh… even her voice was fading away, like on the other end of a faulty radio.

[Heh… I'm sorry… everyone, I'll have to… go first…]

[Sanae-chan!]

I managed a small smile for her benefit and with a final effort, I raised my head to her and kissed her lightly on her cheek.

[Thank you… Komachi… and… sorry…]

..

..

..

In the darkness of my own mind, I floated casually, wanting to just end my pain.

It would be soon now, I could feel the surroundings get just a bit colder with every passing moment. Surely I would finally leave the world now?

I appreciated Komachi for trying to save me, despite the fact that I am not very close to the Death God… She is kind and powerful, independent and confident… Some traits I would dearly want to have…

..

..

Best of all, she has someone who she truly cares about and that someone equally cares for her, despite her not showing it very frequently.

..

..

Do I have someone that I truly care about? Someone that I would lay down my life unconditionally without any hesitation?

People who do not know me would surely say that I have, after all… I do have Lady Yasaka, right?

She is always there for me, just like a shadow, following where I go and granting me power when I need it.

..

..

But, Lady Yasaka to me is just my Patron Goddess… I loved her yes, but it was bred in me. I was bred and taught and educated to always follow Lady Yasaka.

Sometimes, as twisted the thought is; I wonder if I had even loved her at all…

I was her attendant, thinking everything of her and doing everything she asks of me, even in the expense of my own happiness.

That strikes me as eternal servitude, not something I had not seen before as I knew of the Perfect Maid, Izayoi Sakuya.

The difference between the two of us was that I had not found a real reason besides the fact that she was my Patron Goddess for me to serve Lady Yasaka.

..

..

I had sold my soul to her, just because she raised me… was that Love?

..

..

I do not know… nor can I tell her feelings towards me.

..

..

She seemed distant to me, even more so when I got defeated by Hakurei Reimu and even further when Hakurei Reimu disappeared from Gensokyo.

No matter what my achievements were, I would never get praised for them, a fact that I was first sorrowful about and then used to.

Wasn't she supposed to praise me, to love me? Why.. why do I feel so betrayed by her?

..

..

[There is no one that cared about me after all…]

I truly have nothing left in the other side of the border…

Nothing at all to bind me to the world of the living.

..

..

..

It was getting colder and colder, soon I would not be able to feel anything anymore.

Not that it mattered.

Bitterly, I comforted by telling myself that it would soon be over, soon I would be free of my pain and everything else.

..

..

[Sanae!]

An unfamiliar voice suddenly called out to me, the same voice that called out when I was on the gondola. It was unfamiliar, yet I believe I had heard it before. I had heard that voice before, where could it I have heard it?

Was it a stranger's voice? It could not be her voice, she has left me, so so long ago…

If she was still here, I can perhaps ask her.. or I can ask her, after I go over this final border... right?

..

..

[Sa-e!]

..

..

No…? It was someone that I knew… I could somehow connect with that voice and for a fleeting moment, my resolve to end my life was shaken.

..

..

[SA-E!]

..

..

A small glimmer of yellow light appeared right in front of me with that last call for my name and I numbly stared at it. Resembling a firefly, it slowly floated towards me even as I shrank away from the light.

The light's warm made me afraid that I would lose the resolve and I inched away from it.

..

..

[…]

As stubborn as I was, the small orb of light finally caught up with me and bobbed up and down in front of my face, daring me to touch it and touch it I did.

..

..

[!]

Warmth spread slowly through me as soon as I touched the glimmer or light and as I wondered at what would happen, the light slowly lit the surroundings around me by causing me to glow slightly orangey yellow.

Feeling warm and fuzzy, I struggled internally to give up and accept the warmth that told me to stay alive, reminding me how intoxicating life is.

..

..

[No… I have nothing left… so do not tempt me…please?]

Telling it to no one else but myself, I sobbed as the warmth made me regret me decision even more. It reminded me of a time where I would be hugged by Lady Yasaka when I was really young…

My father left my mother when she was still pregnant with me and my mother passed away when giving birth to me, leaving me alone in the world to fend for myself.

..

..

I was brought up at an orphanage and when I was old enough, I went back to the Shrine to live a solitary life. Lady Yasaka appeared before me one day and ever since then, I was not lonely anymore…

She taught me many things and I was eternally grateful for her tutelage and her protection.

Countless times she would save me from accidents or from people trying to take advantage of me due to my plight.

One incident that particular stood up was from a family that wanted to adopt me but their true intention was to take over the shrine. They were subsequently spooked out of the shrine by Lady Yasaka's powers…

...

..

Without Lady Yasaka, I would be all alone in the world…

But there was something that was not right…

..

..

This feeling of warmth, of someone hugging me and the scent made me feel nostalgic all over again…

..

..

[Sanae, stop sucking on your thumb!]

[Oh Sanae… you dirtied yourself again…]

..

..

I started hearing voices and involuntarily, tears started to fall, trickling down my cheeks as I touched my self as well, shocked at what I am doing. Haven't I gotten the resolve to end this?

..

..

[Sanae! You're a naughty girl, come on!]

[You're hiding there! I saw you Sanae! Don't try to run!]

[Ahaha~ it tickles, Sanae…]

..

..

There was something or someone missing in my life, a missing piece of my past that I had neglected to find out. It might not have seemed important before but now, it is the one thing that perhaps can persuade me to live my life again.

Here was someone that really cared for me, I could sense that just from her words and her warmth and I felt more and more tears threatening to well up from my eyes.

She was not like the one that left me, she loved me too... but her love was born out of curiosity and then changed to love.

..

..

..

Leaving now, i wonder if I would ever see her again... the person who could read my mind and my heart.

..

..

[No… stop… I… I…]

..

..

[Sanae-chan! I love you too!]

..

..

Fuzzy images from my past, where I was at a young and tender age started popping up around me, I saw myself looking up at someone that I did not recognize.

Her face was obscured by my failing memory and I bit my lip in frustration, both in not being able to see her face and the realization that I truly had someone who loved me after all.

..

..

[Sa-e!]

..

..

She was calling out to me in the darkness, trying to reach me and my lonely heart.

..

..

Perhaps she had been calling out to me every day but I had never heard it, a lonely voice calling out to me all the time, waiting in vain to be heard.

..

..

[no…]

I was outright sobbing now, the memory was too much for me to bear suddenly, the lost feelings of warmth and the fuzzy feeling in my chest just made me want to cry.

How long have I not being comforted or have such a feeling of bliss like this?

All this, from a person I had clearly forgotten and had disappeared from my life.

To know that she had never forgotten me and that she still loved me the same from so so many years ago.

..

It was too much…

..

..

..

[H-How… who… why…]

I wished the images would be clearer and would reveal who it was… it could never be my mother as she had passed away…

The time gap between when I was born and when I met Lady Yasaka was a blur to me but it was the same time where she was with me.

Never leaving my side, she really did love me just the way I was, without caring that I was the Moriya Shrine Maiden and she was like a surrogate mother to me…

..

..

That much I can gather from my past memories:

The feelings of bliss while hugging her,

How happy I was when she praised me

How she encourage me to walk

How she pushed me for my first swing ride

..

..

The River Styx is one wonderful and evil place, I discovered both my despair and my hope in the same place.

[I… I…]

..

..

[SANAE!]

Hearing her voice, childish and mature at the same time, I nodded and reached my hand out to where the sound was coming from.

If anything, I wanted to see her face, the person who had loved me in the past and still do even now when I am lingering between the border of life and death.

[SANAE!]

..

..

Desperately, I reached out for the glimmer of light, which had floated away and with every passing second, my actions became more frantic as it floated just slightly out of my reach.

[No…]

..

..

[No!]

..

..

Perhaps I was not trying hard enough as the ball of light faded away, taking with it the warmth and the fading images of my past. I desperately clawed around me to see if I could get hold of something, anything to remind myself that everything was real but sadly, there was nothing I could hold on to.

I was helpless yet again, drifting in the darkness to who knows where?

..

..

[… Ha… Haha…]

Laughing to myself, I shed tears of despair and I internally wondered when will my tears run dry?

Gaining hope and losing hope was like an unbroken cycle to me, when could I truly break out of this accursed fate of mine? Was it my fault for giving up so soon or was the gods just mocking me, giving me hope to take it away from me.

..

..

[I… I won't give up… It might be too late… but, I want to be true to myself…]

Closing my eyes, I tried hard to remember the same feeling of warmth and happiness that I felt when I was with her, the person from my past.

I was happiest when I could touch her and I so similarly, I held my hands wide as if wanting to hug someone.

[…]

Scarcely daring to hope, my hands closed in on one another and lo and behold, I felt something being squeezed by me.

[Ah…]

..

..

Could it be?

..

..

Warmth spread through me almost immediately, dispelling the freezing cold that I had felt for so long. It was like a single drop of hope among all the despair that I had felt earlier and I felt reborn somehow.

I did not dare to open my eyes as I feared it to be a dream again, for fate to be wicked enough to grab my only hope away from me again.

I do not know if I can take anymore of this and so, I just enjoyed her company, the smell of her scent as I hugged her tighter than anything I've ever hugged before in my life.

[Sanae, thank goodness…]

Her voice was real, I could feel her throat moving as she spoke those words to me and I felt my heart just melting from those tender words, spoken with love for me that I just wanted to cry.

[… ah…]

..

..

It was my mind who had the last laugh as I felt myself get weaker and weaker and I was struggling to maintain consciousness in a split second.

Was… I going to die after all?

..

..

[No!]

Protesting strongly, I gripped her body even more strongly as I shook my head desperately.

[Please, I do not want to die! Not now! Please!]

..

..

..

..

[Thank you… Komachi…]

Clutching on to Sanae's hands, which were white from her death grip on my clothes, I took off my hat and bowed to the Shinigami. She had specially ferried her soul back across the styx despite her orders and she was surely going to get scolded because of that.

[I, I do not know how to thank you for sparing our Sanae…]

..

...

[Save it, Suwako. Just keep her out of trouble yea? She's surely a handful, I'll leave her to you, kay? I gotta get myself back before Sikeiki comes after me…]

Grumbling to herself, Komachi smiled and waved to me as she leapt from the Shrine Grounds to the air and soared away quickly from sight.

..

..

Left alone with Sanae, I knelt down and caressed her hair with my hands. It has been so long since I was able to touch her with my hands and I relished the moment for quite a while, kissing her on the forehead repeatedly and hugging her just to feel that I was not dreaming.

It really is Sanae, my Sanae and she finally, finally had enough faith in me to hear me…

..

..

[… foolish girl…]

I was struggling so hard not to cry that my entire face was red from the effort as I looked at the wreck that just hours before was a beautiful girl.

..

..

[If I had been here sooner…]

Shaking my head, I recounted the events of me chancing upon Sanae.

..

..

..

…

I had left Reimu and was going to take a small nap to recover my strength when I suddenly felt Sanae's life-force diminish and I quickly dashed over to where she was.

Every since her birth, I was a constant shadow over her, watching over her and was the first person to sense any disturbance in her, emotionally or physically.

This time however, I was too late to stop her as her soul had already left her when I arrived.

..

..

How I cried when I saw that, it could never be described as I clung on to her body and wept openly. Her bloodied and lifeless body was the most horrible sight I've ever witnessed and it will forever haunt me in my dreams from here onwards.

I tried every means to revive her, breathing in some of my divine breath to her and even using all my power to cure her wounds, all to no avail as she did not stir.

Throughout the whole ordeal, I could do nothing but call out to her in hope that she could hear me, knowing full well that she never will hear my voice. But nonetheless I still cried out to her, hoping for a miracle to happen.

..

..

My tears dropped freely and a good number of them splashed on to Sanae's clothes, staining them even redder when they mixed with the pool of blood below her.

..

..

I did not know the reason for her apparent suicide but I did not care, I wanted her back in the world of the living, even if it would cost me my own life to do so.

But, I was at a total lost to what to do, I could not truly manifest my powers, not with my faith at an all time low and my powers severely hampered after stitching up her wounds.

..

..

[Sanae… SANAE!]

All I could do was to squat by her side, calling her name and desperately trying to hold her when I knew that I could not, not unless she allowed me to touch her by believing in me, having faith in someone that she had obviously forgotten.

..

..

[Sanae!]

..

..

Countless times I tried to call her and countless times my hand grabbed nothing as I simply went through her. Something which did not exist cannot touch her and I wept openly at being able to do nothing even as I felt faint from using my limited powers.

[SANAE!]

Screaming one more time, I felt hope when she suddenly stirred.

[Sanae!]

It could not be, she was dead, her soul had left her body!

Reality must be playing a cruel joke on me as just a few seconds ago I was trying to deny that she had left the world but now I was denying that she is coming back to life.

..

..

[Sanae! Oh please, let this be real, Sanae!]

Clasping my hands together, I watched and hoped for the best.

Feeling more helpless than ever before, I wished Reimu was here now. At least with her around, I could manifest my virtues to help Sanae. I could only cure her superficial wounds with my limited strength and even that was not sufficient.

..

..

For someone who did not exist to save a person was asking too much…

But then again, expecting someone who did not exist to grieve a person's death was asking too much as well…

[W-who are you…]

I heard her speak and I felt my heart quicken when I considered the implications of her words.

Seemingly alive again, I saw a solitary tear slowly form and dribble down her side of her cheeks.

Sanae was crying, my Sanae was crying… why is she crying? Is she afraid of leaving the world?

..

..

[Yo, Suwako!]

Hearing an unfamiliar voice, I whirled around to see one person I had not seen in a long time.

[Komachi! Did you come to play?]

Trying to sound cheerful, I raised my hands up in a bid to stop Komachi from seeing Sanae but I need not have tried.

[Silly, you do know that I will ferry her over, don'cha?]

[…]

Being shot down by Komachi, I bit my own lip as I just scratched my head in confusion at her cheery exterior.

As a rule, we gods have no say or sway over the judge of the netherworld although we are embodiments of people's faith. But we do maintain a line of communication between us, as seen by Yasaka speaking with Sikeiki this morning.

But, Sanae was her friend… did she find it funny that Sanae had died?

..

..

[Woah there, calm down ya! I brought her back, for your sake.]

Reading my mind and my actions as I lowered my hat down to cover my eyes, Komachi raised both her hands up in protest as she dropped her scythe to the floor.

Falling with a large clang, a silver object shot from her sleeves and it struck me on the chest. Interestingly however, Sanae flinched and reacted when I touched the silver orb in my arms.

..

..

[She is a stubborn girl… it wasn't her time to leave… yet she's still clinging on to me. You've got to have a talk with her, must be in her rebellious mood again or it's that time of the month again.]

Half jokingly, Komachi slapped my back as I gave a large sigh of relief and I collapsed into a heap on the floor.

[I threw Sanae's spirit back from the Styx and it somehow split into two… half clung on to me and the other half went back to her body.]

[This is Sanae's spirit?]

Looking at the silvery orb in my hands, I hugged it tightly and it radiated warmth, warming me slightly as stroked it.

[Don't get attached will ya? Without that Sanae won't ever wake up.]

..

..

Nodding, I walked towards Sanae and placed the silver orb on her blood stained forehead before kissing it and pushing on it.

The silver orb entered Sanae's body with nary a hitch and she emitted light for a brief moment.

[!]

But to my horror, she still did not breath and I hurriedly called her name.

[Sanae! SANAE!]

..

..

Before I knew it however, I was shaking Sanae with my hands and I stopped immediately upon noticing it.

[!]

[Sanae!]

She had enough faith in me for me to touch her!

I felt dizzy suddenly and it took a while before I regained my composure for me to gently nudge her.

[Sanae, please… wake up….]

Almost imploring her, I hugged her desperately and the miracle happened.

..

..

She hugged me back in a death grip that made me squeal in pain.

[Sanae… thank goodness…]

I was happy that she has returned from the land of the dead, happy that I could touch her and happy that she could hear me as well. But all that was overshadowed when Komachi squatted down in front of me and whispered to me.

..

..

[… she's not out of the clear yet. Death is a fickle thing. She might take her life again, Suwako. It's up to you to keep her in the land of the living, hear me?]

Behaving just like how the death god of Gensokyo should behave. Komachi swung her giant scythe over her shoulders and snorted, rubbing her nose as she glared at Sanae.

..

..

[I will take her life again, Suwako. I don't know when but when it does, not even your will or your power will save her. I gave you a break today of course, you owe me that.]

[Y-You mean…]

[Hmph. Even I take requests from old friends, even if it goes against my job. Sikeiki will understand too I reckon.]

..

..

Never have I ever been happier that I knew the Death god and the Yama of Gensokyo as I did now. Our history stretch way back, even longer than the time I knew Yasaka. They were good friends and they saved my Sanae, for my sake…

..

..

[Thank you Komachi… really, thank you…]

Sobbing as I hugged Sanae, I heard Komachi's scythe being driver to the ground as she spoke again.

[I think you should know this, Suwako.]

[?]

Komachi never shed her serious demeanor and I inwardly sensed that what she was going to say surely did not bode well and I swallowed nervously.

Being just inches away from me, Komachi narrowed her eyes and whispered to me.

..

..

[….]

..

..

[NO!]

Shaking my head at her words, I clung on to Sanae tightly and furiously denied her words.

[You're lying! There's no way Sanae… No Way that Sanae….]

[Oh yes… there is nothing left in her soul. Empty. She is empty, Suwako and there is nothing holding or restraining her from taking her own life, with perhaps, the exception of you and Yasaka.]

[…]

[If one does not have anything to protect, anything to live for, anything for one's soul to enable it to cling on to life, the soul is empty and dead. So bear heed, Suwako…]

..

..

[… I… I understand…]

With my face not betraying the expression of my heart, I nodded to Komachi and thanked her for saving Sanae on my behalf.

[Thank you… Komachi…]

…

….

..

..

Back in the present, I was still tending to Sanae as she still held me in a death grip with her hands.

Ever since her soul had returned to her body, she had been constantly whispering the words: 'who are you…'

'please… don't leave me…' in constant repetition of one another to the point of driving me half-insane with the amount of desperation in her voice.

Tears too were leaking out of Sanae more than a leaky barrel and pretty soon my sleeves were filled with the remnants of her tears. But despite all that, I was not complaining as I had finally cured Sanae of all her superficial wounds. All that is left is for her to wake up and for me to greet her, scold her and then spend life with her again.

..

..

But above all that, there was the words that Komachi had left me as a parting gift and I had plenty of time as I tended over Sanae to ponder over those words.

..

..

[She will take her life again, Suwako. She will and there is nothing you or Yasaka can do to stop her.

She has nothing left in this love, she said this and she solemnly believed in that.

Somehow, you brought her back with your powers coupled with her desire to find someone who love her… but that miracle will not repeat itself.

Till the day she finds the reason for existing, Kotiya Sanae is a walking zombie.]

..

..

[… Sanae… would you forgive me?]

I gently eased her hands off me as I prayed silently to myself that I had interpreted Komachi's words rightly.

[….no… don't go…]

Her words struck a chord with me but I steeled myself nonetheless.

[I… I really… really hope that we can… see each other again… Sanae…]

Kissing her on her forehead, I expanded all my available power to stitch up her wounds and to leave just the tiniest sign of my presence in front of her.

..

..

[… hope, given to one who is desperate, is the strongest gift of all…]

Holding my tears, I ran my fingers through her hair one final time before stepping away from her and running into the small forest surrounding the Moriya Shrine that was and will remain my home.

..

..

…

…

..

[I'm sorry… Suwako… I did not fulfill my promise with you…]

Hidden in the shadows, the other goddess whispered to herself as she furiously wiped away the tears from her eyes. Crossing her arms, she sighed and slowly walked away from the area, not making any sound or any sign of her presence.

[I pray for your success, Suwako… and to be able to see the smile on her face again, my good friend.]

Raising a hand, she gathered green orbs around her and with a single command from her hand; they shot away from her in all directions of Gensokyo.

[… But now… we have to prepare for the worst…]

Ruffling her sleeves, a serious expression appeared on her face as she turned to look at the little messenger that was perched on her shoulder.

..

..

[… Convey my message to them that I will do whatever I can…]

The little messenger nodded her head and took her leave almost immediately, leaving her alone in the courtyard.

[… Now what's left is of my guests…]

Nodding to herself, Yasaka Kanako slowly faded away back to her private quarters.

..

..

[Must I assist in this… operation, Princess…]

[Just this once… please…]

[… if you wish, I will follow with all my heart.]

..

..

[With such similar loyalty to my Sakuya, I wonder what did twist that brain of yours, hmm?]

[Silence, Vampire! Remember I would have extinguished your life from this plane!]

[But you did not. Your fate is mine, as well as everyone's else.]

..

..

[No way!]

..

..

Heads turned towards the direction of the voice and they arrowed in on the oni of Gensokyo, who even as she spoke, was donning her Shrine Maiden outfit and tying her sarashi with help from her own self.

[Our fate, is Gensokyo's.]

Slamming a fist on the floor despite protests by Kaguya, Suika broke the floorboards while showing her teeth in a grim grin.

[This, might be the toughest campaign I've ever fought.]

..

..

[And there are countless you have taken in part, Ibuki Suika…]

Joining in the chorus was yet another seemingly harmless looking girl that was floating above the crowd, flapping her avian wings casually with her companion standing watch behind her.

[That's right, Aya...]

..

..

[You have me, so don't worry about it. Lady Luck is on our side.]

A lone rabbit welding a large and heavy looking wooden mallet grinned confidently even as the others around her squeaked in surprise and disbelief at her words. Standing tall and proud, she snickered as her fellow rabbit commander dived at her and failed as she did an easy back flip while holding on to the mallet.

..

..

[You've lived through much, Inaba.]

[Tell me about it.]

Inaba Tewi winked at Suika and giving her a thumbs-up while sharing the grin given to her by Shameimaru Aya,

..

..

[All we need, is a little luck!]

..

..

..

[… Lady Yasaka…]

I was back in Lady Yasaka's quarters and thankfully, she was kind enough to still grant a meeting with me even in her busy schedule. She did look quite haggard and shaken when I saw her but she told me not bother myself over her.

..

..

[It is unique to a goddess; you mortals would never understand how it feels to be one. You have enough worries as it is, Hakurei.]

..

..

Lady Yasaka's subtle message to me was to leaving it at that and so I waited patiently for Lady Yasaka to stop sipping her tea before I bowed deeply and started asking away. She was the fountain of knowledge I was hoping for beside Miss Keine and Miss Hieda.

The both of them had taught me plenty but there was still one single person the two of them are not familiar with…

..

..

[Lady Yasaka… w-who is Yakumo Yukari…]

[?]

Looking surprised that I would ask this question, Lady Yasaka coughed and spilt a little of her tea before looking disappointedly at me and her tea, of course.

Giving a deep sigh, she rolled up her sleeves and begun to wipe the mess up and while doing so, answered my question, thou very masterfully, she avoided any eye contact with me.

[She is a youkai of course, a gap or border youkai…]

[I know that, Lady Yasaka…]

..

..

There was an awkward pause as I believed I was a little too harsh in replying her question, but I had a reason to be frustrated at least…

She was offering me too little details and information and so…

..

..

[Forgive me for my rudeness…]

However, I swallowed my frustration inside me and sought for the inner calm inside my own body. This was not a time to be upset over small details. What matters is the bigger picture…

[It is quite understandable, I am afraid I am not much of a help as I hoped I will be to you, Hakurei. You see, even for a goddess like me, we do not have any sway over a youkai like her.]

Drinking her tea, Lady Yasaka pulled open one door as she gestured to the onibashari logs that were in her yard.

[If a youkai does not believe in me, I will not hold sway over her. Even if I wanted to, I would have to to defeat and make her submit to me. But, that in turn is impossible if we are talking about Yakumo Yukari.]

Placing her hands on her chin, her eyes miffed in amusement as she related to me her experiences with Yakumo Yukari.

..

..

[Yukari is a very unique person, a youkai among youkai. Her powers over gaps and boundaries means she can escape anyway. If I wished to hurt her, I would not be able to subdue her in anyway. That said…]

Sighing suddenly, Lady Yasaka admitted to me that she alone is not capable of that feat.

[Only you, Hakurei, has ever gotten the best of Yukari. Only you has ever lived to tell the tale when Yukari was even a hint of being serious. The battle raged for days and almost stretched for a week when you finally got past her last and most glorious spell card.]

..

..

I was astounded once more by what my past self had accomplished and I looked at my own hands in wonder. They were white but as said to me by Yama-sama, they were stained by blood.

Yet, those hands were the same hands that helped others up, clasped their hands together to pray and to spread joy to people…

I had power, I can feel it inside myself, pulsing through my veins and through my whole form.

I feel it even more with my prayer… but..

I doubt I have the right to this power…

..

..

My encounter with Yama-sama had thought me that my decisions might be the wrong one and yet be the right one too.

Her power of seeing things in black and white is the ultimate power to judge right and wrong…

So… have I made the right decision?

[I…why do I have this power, Lady Yasaka?]

[?]

[Can you tell me? Why… why can I defeat… Yukari… if she is the strongest of all… who gave me the right to defeat the strongest of all youkai… to stand above them… why?]

..

..

There was a moments silence as she complemented my question and I buried my head into my hands in an effort to focus my mind.

I was brought here for a reason and that reason was the note Yukari left me, telling me that Marisa was here…

My reason for finding Marisa is that… she had disappeared after Gensokyo was in trouble… and I am the Hakurei Shrine Maiden destined to always save Gensokyo.

That I know and I accept my role in Gensokyo's fate. Not grudgingly nor happily but I accept this fate, partly due to me wanting to save Gensokyo as well. I love Gensokyo and it's people, it's youkai and itself.

..

..

Miss Keine, Suika and Mokou told me never to lose myself again…

Miss Knowledge, Remilia, Sakuya, Miss Meiling and Flandre told me that I can and will accomplish the impossible as it was my forte.

..

.

I will not fail their expectations… but, what gives me the right to this power…

..

..

[!]

Patting the heads of my two companions I looked up to see Lady Yasaka looking at me with a bemused expression on her face.

[Hakurei, you were given this power… when you were born. You were shaped by many elements to be the person you are.

You did not want this power but you were granted it. Millions would want this power, trillions crave for this power and look up to it.

But, amongst all of them, only you are able to weld this power. Temper this power to become the force which you hold in your veins today.]

..

..

Putting a hand on my head, she rubbed my head and answered my question.

..

[You are the only one who accepts Gensokyo as it is. The only one who accepts everyone as it is, everything as it is and loves everyone as who they are, what they are and what they do.

The one person who symbolizes harmony and peace is the Hakurei Shrine Maiden, the one force who keeps Gensokyo in check and in peace.

You do more than keep the border alive, Hakurei, you keep Gensokyo alive.

You, who sees everyone equally and who never sees anyone above or beneath you and who sees everyone in the same level as you, is the one who accepts Gensokyo, defines Gensokyo and believes in Gensokyo.

As long as you, Hakurei believes, Gensokyo believes in itself.

..

..

Gensokyo after all, must have belief in itself for it to exist.

As the land whose boundaries are defined and yet undefined to others… Gensokyo, needs you.

And that is why, Hakurei, you have this power and you have the right to have this power and to defeat even the mightiest of all, Yakumo Yukari.]

..

..

[…]

I was finding it difficult to accept many things after clearly returning to Gensokyo and the fact of many gaps in my memories did not help me at all. I really did not know what to expect, what responsibilities I must take on as the role of the Shrine Maiden… but hearing all this made me deathly afraid of the prospects…

..

Never wavering from my goal… was I just heading towards my prison? Saving Gensokyo just to be enslaved by it… I, I do not want this kind of life…

..

[-To be just yourself, that is what Gensokyo needs… Reimu? Are you listening?]

I had not paid attention to Lady Yasaka for a few seconds and had missed an entire paragraph of her so-called speech in her process but what I did hear at the end of it was heartening, to say the least.

[You are Reimu, above everything else. Never let your responsibility obscure your own nature. Never allow your job to get in your way of your feelings… I'm sure Hakurei will wish for that too…]

..

As she said that, she turned to gaze aimlessly at her garden as if something or someone was there. Her gesture, which would normally be dismissed by me seemed to be like she was staring intently at someone that I could not see.

..

[To defeat Yakumo Yukari is not accomplishable if she did not wish for it. But, it does not mean that she went easy on you, Hakurei. You are the one person she can entrust Gensokyo to.

That is the truth, Hakurei…

..

..

Yakumo Yukari is born with Gensokyo,

She is more than a youkai, more than a force of nature.

She is older than the first to step in Gensokyo, truer than the truth.

The Gap between you and me, the gap between the world and Gensokyo and…

..

The one border one cannot reach unless, you are the Hakurei Shrine Maiden.

No one can surpass her, no one can take her place in Gensokyo… except you, to protect and to love Gensokyo as she did.

does that, answer your question?]

..

..

Smiling serenely and nudging me, Lady Yasaka stood up and turned to leave when she pulled the door open; letting the sun shine in on me, blinding me for a moment as Lady Yasaka's shadow was casted over me.

..

..

[It is odd, that you have forgotten who is Marisa and who is Yukari. The two of them are the closest to you. You have many admirers, friends and people who fought for their time alone with you, but you kept the two of them closest to your heart.

No one else was closer to you than Marisa. No one knew you better than Yukari. The only exception was Ibuki Suika, the one who shared your life. She is a part of your life, Hakurei Reimu.

..

Unwillingly you led it at first, in the latter stages you could do without her, the Shrine Oni of Gensokyo.

But you remembered her, Hakurei. You remembered her first, she is the first to come out of the clouded memories of your mind.

Like a broken mirror, one can still see images in it, albeit broken into many fragments. Like a clouded mirror, one can see images after wiping the stains on it.

..

Ibuki Suika is the one who started the crack to the dam holding up your memories... but she can never unlock the final keys in your heart to the two of them.

The love that you felt to them is stronger than anything else in the world. Your love for them drove you to do seemingly impossible things for them.

Hakurei, open the key to your memories and ask yourself this...

Can you love them, the same way you love them before?]

..

..

[I shall… honor my promise… you did say you wanted to find Marisa. I shall take you to her, provided you do not mind the transportation…]

..

..

Changing the expression on her face, Lady Yasaka smiled and I swore she was trying hard not to laugh when I nodded my head at her suggestion but I had no other alternative left.

[mm! Please, I beg of you!]

..

Author's Notes: So i went a little ahead of myself..