Guilt; overwhelming guilt. I should have died; that knife should have killed me….
And every time I look at a brown-haired girl, I can't help but think what it must have done to her.
"What's wrong, sweetheart? You've haven't said a word all night!" Daddy roughly patted my back. He and the other gang members were having a grand old time. I didn't respond, instead looking at the untouched dessert out in front of me. Daddy gave it second before his expression morphed to one of concern. "Wait… nothing happened at the doctor's did it? It's not anything bad, right?" My lips opened a sliver as my mind went blank for a moment. Oh god…. "I… I don't want to talk about it right now." "Ah, sugar! Don't worry; everything will be fine! It always is." You mean most of the time…. I can't stand this…. I can't.
Daddy blinked over to me as I quite suddenly got up from my chair. With no second glance to him or anyone else in the room, I turned to head for the door. I went to the bathroom where I could wash my wash. Ok, Ana- I thought gazing up at my reflection in the mirror. You need to get it together; you've had a rough couple of days, but you've still got an interview on Monday. Please, please just try and get a hold of yourself. Wait until after Monday, then you can do all the crying you need to. Just please… please….
I was sweating so much that I lifted off my shirt for a moment. My eyes unintentionally scrolled to the scar on my lower belly; it was big but faded by now. My bottom lip couldn't help but tremble at the sight; my stare locked onto it in the mirror. "I'm sorry, Miss Steele; you won't be able to have children." I didn't even think in that second; those words echoed in the hollow chamber that was my mind on repeat. Though I tried, tears began to drip down both my cheeks. I just stood there motionless, staring at the scar in my reflection.
When I finally emerged some time later, my vision was still a little blurry from the tears. Needless to say, my mind was now full; too full. Daddy telling me that I would succeed him, the attack, going to the police station and hospital in the same night, finding out I'm infertile…. It was too much; much too much in this short amount of time. I needed things to change, I couldn't keep on like this. Why…. what did I ever do to deserve all this? I suddenly remembered being pinned on the ground and sat on that night. I remember what thoughts ran through my head then….. I deserve better- I deserve a life. Isn't that still true? Can't I have at least a little say in my own future? I can't have kids…. and I can't run away from the mob. What can I control? What do I deserve? Isn't it better than this?
"Why are you crying?" I was so lost in my own mind that I failed to notice anything going on around me. My eyes rapidly blinked and I was almost surprised to find myself in the side of a long hallway; my hand was pressed up against the wall- I guess I had stopped walking at some point. I was alone, or at least it appeared that way for the first few seconds. My head slowly spun around to see an unfamiliar man standing behind me. He was roughly my age, tall, pale, and thin. He was fairly handsome, but nothing to write home about. His hands were buried in his jean pockets; I already knew he wasn't one of the Dollars by the way he was dressed. But wait. If he wasn't one of Daddy's gang, what was he doing in the Dollars' manor. He merely approached me, not taking his solemn, dark brown eyes off mine.
"U-uh…. uh… oh, sorry! I didn't realize I was crying," I quickly wiped my eyes with my sleeve. His stoic expression didn't change. "You're that sad," he said this with such sincerity and keen observation that I had to stare at him dumbfounded. Yeah, I was… but I didn't expect him to pick up on that so swiftly. We don't even know each other….
"Um, well; I guess I am… a little." His gaze just sharpened down upon me. Gees, this guy was intense; it was like he was studying me or something. "I see….. You've been in pain for some time now, and you have the scar to prove it." Whoa! Talk about a left-turn in a conversation, if you could even call it that. Who is this guy? If he's not a Dollar, then who is he? A prospective member, perhaps? But that doesn't explain why he's able to read me so well. I wasn't that obvious, was I? No, I would know…. right?
Seeing my startled reaction, this mystery man softened his stance a bit; though his gaze didn't grow less intense. "My name is Jack Hyde. I am here visiting your father, Ray." "Jack? Uh, nice to meet you. Daddy didn't tell me we were having visitors tonight," no need for me to introduce myself; if he knew who Daddy was, then he knew I existed. "Let's call my arrival a "pleasant surprise". You must be Miss Anastasia Steele- the mob princess." I hated that label; ever have since I was a child. But Daddy loved it, so I had to grin and bear it. That's exactly what I did now; I forced a small, polite grin and nodded my head. "Yep, that's me."
Jack didn't respond right away, instead electing to watch me again. It was a little weird, but I decided not to address it. There was something about this guy… I couldn't put my finger on it, but he felt off to me. Maybe "off" isn't the right way to describe it; more like dangerous… It's like… I'm sure this man could be dangerous if he wanted to be. I'd met people like that before and I never got truly comfortable around them; always felt like a ticking-clock situation. I hope that wasn't the case with Jack.
It was the oddest thing. After staring at me for a long- uncomfortably long in my opinion- moment, he out of nowhere spun right around to head down the opposite way of the hall. Before leaving, he paused to peer back at me over his shoulder. "Do not worry. You may be in pain right now, princess. But life is about to get very good for you; I'm sure you'll be happier than you've ever been, despite everything." "Huh? W-what are you… talking about? How do you… know that?" My hand instinctively rose up to my chest. His eyes glossed over with this knowing apathy- all directed at me. "Well there is always a calm before the storm." "W-what do you mean by that?" Calm before the storm? What storm? And what calm is he talking about? Just who is he? And why do I feel like he doesn't have the best intentions towards me? He's not even a Dollar….. yet.
His eyes simply, effortlessly lowered onto mine; it was eerie how little effort he put into his significant expression. "We'll meet again, princess; I'm sure of it. Though it may not be for a while, I'll remember you… I'll remember."