The nightmares started when I was twenty- soon after my, or should I say our attack. I definitely had some PTSD afterwards; I certainly didn't go out at night alone for a long time by myself- despite being a grown, fit male. There was a period I'd have panic attacks at the mere sight of blood or large knives. Everything suffered because of this; my schoolwork, my friendships, my family life. And it only got worse when any women showed any interest in me.
I didn't think about her at first; not right away anyway. She, like the color pink, drifted into the deep recesses of my mind. It was like I was trying to forget… I wanted to forget; it was easier to forget than remember the pain in her stance and smell of her blood. For a while, my faceless angel wasn't there, constantly lingering over me. All that changed however when I tried to kiss a woman one day and found that I couldn't. It's not that I was grossed out by her or anything; she was rather attractive. It was just not physically possible for me- I had no idea why. That happened, and then the nightmares started.
Blood- lots of blood. It was so potent in my dreams; the color, the smell, the way it coagulated around her feet. Fear and immense guilt permeated every one of my fibres. I saw her… I didn't remember her just yet, but I saw her every night in my dreams. She wasn't my faceless angel yet; she was only a hazy figure made of pink and red. And I recounted every detail of the black blade handle sticking out of her stomach. At first, all I dreamt was laying there on the concrete for hours, staring helpless up as this entity bled out in front of me. There was nothing I could do to help her; I couldn't even move. There was nothing…. And then one night, everything changed.
It began like every other nightmare: I was laying on the ground immobile. But I found that the woman was not in front of me. In fact, I was alone for the first time since I began having nightmares. After a second, I discovered that I could actually move; using my arm, I lifted my upper half off the cement. The world area me started to gradually become hazy with soft and mellow colors. I don't think I was in the street anymore; I was somewhere far away… somewhere much warmer and light. For a second, I thought I was in heaven but realized that I hadn't died that day. I didn't die…..
"Guilt." That voice- it was female, though I didn't recognize it. "Guilt and remorse; they infect your every action." I think… I think it was coming from inside my head; I was still the only one around. "Why? After all, it was my choice." Wait…. "Of course I feel guilty. I never wanted her to jump in; it should have been me. It should have been me….." My gaze scrolled out into space. That's right, I think a part of me wished it was me… at least that I could live with. The voice went quiet for a moment, letting me drown in my own thoughts.
"If it was you, you would have died. I bear the cost." "What cost? Did you…. did you die?!" That never crossed my mind before; the mere thought of it made my blood freeze. A pregnant pause fell over us. "I did not die." Oh- oh, thank god. I couldn't live with myself if that happened. "T-then what cost did you….?" Another long quiet; I was suddenly overwhelmed with this odd sensation. I don't think I can actually describe it; it was like being full, if that makes any sense.
In an instant, I blinked as something caught my eye; something in the distance. It wasn't easy to make out at first, it's lines and colors blurring in with the surroundings. Eventually however, I could make out it was a child- a little boy. He had on a blue shirt and light jeans; he was smiling. W-who is that? Is that me when I was young? No….. I don't think so. I observed the happy toddler run past me. To my shock, the figure of an older woman with long brown hair appeared far in front of me. She wasn't looking at me; she was looking at the boy and smiling… She was smiling so happily when she caught the child in her arms.
Lifting up the boy, she nuzzled his face with her nose and gave him plenty of kisses, all while the child was laughing merrily. It was supposed to be a happy scene but….. I was overcome with sudden sadness. Watching the two together made me want to cry, and I had no clue why. Finally, the pair looked my way; the boy had these big, blue eyes. The moment our eyes met, a tear fell from mine. This boy….. This precious, precious child. Again, I had no idea where these thoughts or feelings were coming from. But they were there. Dear god, they were there.
The woman gazed back at the little boy still securely in her arms. "What's wrong, Teddy?" My lips instinctively parted. Theodore… "Daddy looks sad, Mommy." Oh god, this child- this boy…. The woman merely brushed his short hair back and rested her head against his; her eyes wandering out to nowhere. "I know…. I know."
"I don't…. I don't understand." It was then I turned my head around. To my utter disbelief, there was a woman, an angel with long, flowing brown hair floating behind me. She was faceless, though I knew she was beautiful- gorgeous even. She was simply staring down at me without eyes. Her long hair flew out all around her, complementing these two stunning white wings. Her white gown had white rose petals strewn all about it, not falling off her. She was….. she was the most beautiful, most perfect thing I'd ever seen- dreamt before. I don't think my mind was able of such creation; she was too ethereal for a mortal to possibly imagine.
"Is that… your son?" "Our son," she gently, quietly corrected; despite not having a mouth, she could speak perfectly. And her voice…. oh, her angelic voice. "M-my son… my son?" I gazed back to the boy with tears now pouring down my face. "He is what could have been; not what will be." "W-wait?! He won't….. I won't?!" My head spun desperately back around to her. "It was not meant to be. Either way, he would not be conceived; that is my cost." I stared up at the goddess-like creature, beginning to understand…. I think I understood what she meant. My lower lip started to tremble uncontrollably.
"I'm so sorry; I'm so sorry….." More tears. She gazed at me for a minute, saying nothing. "It was my choice. You did nothing wrong." "But you gave up so much for me!" "And I would do it again. This is my decision; not yours. I do not ask nor expect you to carry the guilt with you forever." "No! No, you can't do this! What about you?! You sacrificed everything for me!" I watched through my tears as she floated down closer to me; though she was wearing white, she had this aura of pink about her. I could sense her smiling when her hands tenderly rested on my wet cheeks. Her hands radiated warmth….
"I made my choice; it was mine to make. And in so doing, I bound myself to you." "Why…. why?" Her invisible eyes softened onto mine. "I want you to live; I want you to laugh a lot; I want you to enjoy what time you have left…. Life is so short already," her unseen eyes then shut; I could sense them do so. Still crying, I lifted up my hands to rest overtop of hers. "You've given more for me than any other woman could." "I saved your life; now I expect you to live it for me." "Share it with me…." My eyes also shut, soaking in her presence. She didn't say anything before I continued; we just sat there together like that. "No other… I don't think I could love another as I love you. You, who sacrificed your son for me." And my faceless angel drew in a deep breath.
"You forget, Christian; I may never be a mother, but I can be a lover." "Then love me, and let me love you. Let me give, like you have already given to me."