Holy crap, has this really not been updated since January? Wow, the author of this story must be an evil, evil lady to do that to all you fabulous readers. On a serious note: Thank you so much. Part of why I came back to this story was because of your reviews and PMs, telling me how much you like this story and wanted it continued. So I guess this chapter is a bit of an apology, and also a bit of a Christmas present (if you celebrate, if you don't, happy Tuesday?) because each and every one of you who reads this deserves an award for being awesome.
A few of you mentioned that it might help if I did like a recap or summary of events so far, which seems like a good idea since it's been almost a year or something between chapters. So:
-Tori and Jade were neighbors and best friends when they were little
-Jade's parents got divorced and she moved away with her mom
-yadda yadda time passes
-Tori goes to Hollywood Arts and who should she run into? Jade, of course!
-Jade is basically a gank and ignores Tori and Tori can't figure out why
-They get paired together for an assignment (all of this story sounds so original lol)
-They're forced to spend time together and eventually Jade becomes less gankish, but still pretty ganky cuz she's Jade and it's Jori and Jade always has to be a bit gankish
-Jade has to write a song for a class and asks Andre to help cuz he's the resident music guru of the group and that basically brings us to now?
-Also, this story is rather cerebral and spends a lot more time in Jade and Tori's heads figuring out their emotional states than dealing with actual events, although there are plenty of actual interactions and dialogue as well
-Oh right. Cancellation. So the show got cancelled and the fandom's kind of dying out and I just really wanted to get back into this and push myself to finish it before absolutely no one gives a shit about Victorious or Jori anymore because I still really do. So I'll be making a huge effort to actually write and get the chapters out to you guys. I'm not gonna guess on when this story will finish (since time limits never seem to work out for me,) but rest assured! I WILL be finishing this shit. Guaranteed :)
Disclaimer: The usual business. I don't own anything, unfortunately. But can we talk about Liz Gillies' original music for a minute? I WILL own a copy of that album whenever she releases it.
"It should be softer. You're hitting the strings too hard."
"I'm playing exactly like I did at lunch, Jade."
"No, you're playing like a caveman. It's a guitar, not a pile of rocks."
Andre sighed and leaned forward, bringing his mouth to a microphone. "I'm doing it exactly how you told me to do it. What's changed?"
Jade pressed the button on the intercom and yelled, "Your stupid fingers!" She slammed her water bottle down on the desk next to the keyboard. She glared at Andre through the window that looked into the small recording room. They'd been in the stupid audio lab for almost an hour and hadn't accomplished anything. After Jade had spent her entire lunch period with him, telling him exactly what she wanted to happen, she figured it would have been simple to record the stupid song for class. But no, Andre was slapping away at the guitar strings like a toddler with no coordination. She took a deep breath when she saw how frustrated he was getting. "Just, play it softer." Andre rolled his eyes and started over, his fingers moving around the fret board with ease. Jade gave a curt nod and hit the intercom. "Better."
"Can I record it now?" He asked carefully. Jade nodded and leaned back in her chair. She needed his help. She didn't know how to work the recording equipment and the assignment was due in three days. So she folded her arms and tried not to glare while Andre adjusted his guitar strap. "Okay, just click where I showed you and give me a thumbs up or something." He sounded exasperated. Jade wasn't sure what she should do, but she felt like she should do something to thank him. She would've failed the assignment, and most likely the class, if he hadn't agreed to help her.
The muscle in her jaw tensed as she hit the intercom again. Andre heard the crackle and looked up. Jade's eyes were darting between him and something to his side. He raised his hands in question when she didn't say anything. "I… appreciate you doing this for me," Jade mumbled hurriedly, immediately shutting the intercom off. She moved the mouse and clicked on the stupid little button on the computer screen, not bothering to look at Andre as she threw a hand up to signal him to start playing. She slid the master volume control all the way down. Instead of listening to him, she watched as the screen came to life when he played. Spikes and dips of sound as he hit each note. A little bar sliding above the waves counting the time. A button on the side that kept randomly lighting up red for no reason. It was strange. Seeing sound as waves and lights instead of hearing it. Then the waves stopped and Jade glanced up at him. He was talking and she slid the volume back up. "-it sound okay?" She looked back to the screen, trying figure out how to play it back. "Okay, I'm coming," he said with a chuckle when she didn't answer. He pulled the guitar over his shoulders and placed it in a stand. Jade rolled her chair out of the way as he came back out to the desk and pulled another chair up beside her. He moved the mouse around, clicking on stuff.
"What are you doing?" It wasn't harsh, just curious. She didn't like feeling so helpless, and it was kind of interesting actually recording stuff.
Andre highlighted a section of the sound waves and then hit a button as it disappeared. "I'm just taking out some of the noise before I played," he scrolled to the end of the wave, where it died off into a straight line before spiking again, "and the end, which is just me asking if it was alright." He pointed to the screen and Jade followed where the cursor moved. "Now I'm gonna play it back and we can see how it sounded." The speakers on the sides of the computer monitor came to life and Jade nodded her head. It sounded alright. Andre paused the track, clicked a few more things, and then hit play again. It sounded better.
"What did you do?" Jade spun her chair to face him.
"Just added a compressor. It evens the dynamics out, makes the volume of each note the same," he explained. They fell into silence as the acoustic guitar played around them. When the sound stopped, Andre leaned back in his chair. "What do ya think?"
Jade gave a small shrug. "Yeah. It's alright."
"I'm a one take wonder, girl," he said proudly. "You can tell me I nailed it."
"I'll nail your hand to the desk if you don't wipe that grin off your face," Jade grumbled, shifting her chair back over.
Andre laughed and held his hands up defensively. "No need for violence, I was just sayin'. I'll do another one for the counterpoint, and then maybe straight up the middle, and then we can do your vocals, alright?"
Jade stared at him. "What middle?"
Andre looked at her as a small frown pulled his eyebrows together. "Have you ever wanted to do a tech class? Like an actual music production one?"
"I never thought about it," Jade shrugged. "Music's kind of secondary."
"Yeah, I don't get you theater kids," Andre said, looking baffled at how music could be secondary to anything. "But this sort of thing," He gestured to the computer and small mixing board, "it's like directing a play. The musicians are the actors, the song is the script, and you get to bring it to life. It's the behind the scenes stuff that brings it all together and makes the final product so good." Jade was quiet for a minute and Andre stood up. "Just somethin' to think about. Open a new track and lemme know when you hit record."
Jade nodded as he walked back into the recording room. Her eyes drifted over the mixing board. She loved writing. She had a huge interest in directing. She wanted to tell stories through theater and film. But it was kind of cool, sitting behind the computer and watching as a song came together in various parts. She moved the mouse, opening a new track on the screen and signaled to Andre. He nodded and started to play. Jade leaned back in her seat, watching as a whole new, totally different set of waves appeared on the computer.
Andre did a few more takes and then came back out of the studio. He explained to Jade every little click or movement he made, and she paid rapt attention as the guitar tracks were layered together and melded into a full, rich sound. She nodded appreciatively and sipped her water as Andre played the complete track back. His foot was tapping and he grinned when it ended. "You ready to sing?"
The truth was that she wasn't. She'd already sung it for him, and it had been painful. She'd warned him like five times not to laugh, and he didn't. He even told her that it was good. It still didn't make it any easier for her to stand there and record it. She nodded and took another sip of water. Andre went to switch out the microphones and Jade paced nervously behind the desk. After a few minutes of trying to mentally prepare herself, Andre was strolling back into the room and sitting at the desk. He glanced over his shoulder at her. "You alright?"
Jade hesitated, one of her hands tugging at the bottom of her shirt. She was nervous, but she couldn't just admit that. She had no reason to be nervous, anyway. It was a stupid assignment. Only the dozen kids in her class, plus her teacher, would hear the song. That was it. Hardly anyone, really. Certainly not the person she'd fucking written it for. Jade gave a sharp nod and steeled herself as she walked through to the recording room. The door shut behind her with a frighteningly final click. She rubbed her palms against the thighs of her jeans and stepped up to the microphone. The crackle of the intercom sounded and she glanced up at the ceiling before looking at Andre. "Once you put the headphones on, all you'll hear is the guitar. It'll just be you and the music, alright? I'll just be a shadow on the other end of the wires."
He was being gentle with her. He sensed how nervous she was and he was trying to reassure her. If it wasn't so fucking nice and comforting she probably would've been pissed at his presumption. Jade licked her lips and swallowed nervously as she put the headphones on. It was quiet, the murmur of her own heart being the only thing she heard, and as the guitar started up, she closed her eyes. And after a moment, she started to sing.
She ran through the song three full times, and then Andre turned into a slave driver, telling her to sing certain parts over and over again. As the afternoon wore on, little bits of vocals were thrown on top of the guitar. It was weird for Jade, standing there listening to herself sing and trying to harmonize with her own voice. It was weird and also pretty damn cool. Because each time Andre would stop her and tell her to do something else, or she stopped and wanted to try something different, bits of her voice were added or altered or layered and she could hear it all coming together in her headphones.
It had taken a lot longer than either of them thought it would and it was almost eight o'clock by the time Jade was satisfied with the recording. She dug out a small flash drive from her bag and handed it to Andre. She leaned on the back of his seat as he poked around the program and saved the song. "Thanks. For the help today."
"No problem. I love doing this stuff," he said without turning away from the computer. They were quiet for a minute as Andre copied the song to her drive and then he glanced over his shoulder at her. "Hey, can I ask you a question?"
"Depends on the question," Jade answered, straightening up.
Andre turned his chair and looked at her. "What, uh, what's this song about?"
Jade's eyebrow cocked instinctively. Yeah, she wasn't answering that question. "It's just a song, dude. Are you really in love with some chick every time you open your mouth to sing?"
"Fair enough," Andre said, turning back to face the computer. "I was just wondering, 'cause some wonky chizz has been going on lately."
"Well I don't know what chizz you've been noticing because nothing's going on," Jade snapped. She didn't even know why she was snapping. It's not like Andre knew. Shit, Jade didn't even think that she had fully accepted it yet. Although, if that fucking song was anything to go by, some part of her was openly embracing what her conscious mind was refusing to admit. She snatched the flash drive from his hand. "Make sure you erase that song before you shut the computer down." She grabbed her bag off the floor, shoved the USB in and threw the strap over her shoulder. She was just turning to leave when Andre spoke up.
"Hey, Jade?" She turned to face him, but he was still clicking around on the computer, hardly paying attention to her. "Your song's really good. It's honest." He said it so casually and didn't even look at her, like it was just some throwaway comment and not a heart-attack-inducing observation.
Jade hesitated for a moment before turning on her heel and stomping out. She tried to calm herself down as she walked through the abandoned halls. She didn't want to be honest. She wanted to write a stupid song for a stupid class, not lay her heart bare in front of a microphone. Because honesty resulted in a whole new mess, and she had enough shit going on already. If she was honest, the problem got even more complicated than it already was. If she was honest, it left her open and vulnerable. Yeah, honesty was a dangerous thing.
She kept the radio loud on her drive home. She blasted music on her PearPod as she did homework in an empty house and emailed her teacher the mp3 of that stupid song. She ate dinner with a stupid game show turned up loudly on the television, yelling at the contestants whenever they got an easy question wrong. She did laundry, listening to the kick of the old dryer as she filled up the washer with a second load. She did anything she could to distract herself. To keep herself from thinking of the stupid song about a stupid girl that she had to turn in to her stupid teacher for a stupid class that she didn't even want to take in the first place. And then she went to bed, tossing and turning in her sleep because all she could think about was that stupid song for a stupid girl and how stupidly fucking honest it was.
Jade almost stayed home from school the next day. She'd slept like shit and she didn't really want to go anyway. But she heard her mom downstairs, talking loudly, and the smell of bacon was wafting up to her room. That's what got Jade out of bed. Her mom didn't cook. She wasn't really ever home long enough to do more than microwave a frozen meal. Jade got dressed, trying to remember if it was a holiday, or a birthday, or some special occasion. When she couldn't think of anything, she headed downstairs. Her mom barely glanced at her as she entered the kitchen, chatting away to the phone pressed up against her ear. She didn't say hello or good morning or anything at all, and neither did Jade. Jade walked over to the stove as her mom pulled some plates down from a cabinet. Eggs, bacon, toast. A proper breakfast. Usually Jade just grabbed a coffee on the way to school, sometimes a muffin or something if she was hungry. Her mom mentioned some quarterly report that needed to be finished as she filled up two plates with food and ended the phone call. Jade raised a questioning brow as her mom brought the plates over to their small kitchen table. "You actually made breakfast?"
"It's for me and James. I didn't think you'd want any," her mom answered bluntly, sitting down.
"James?" Jade sneered. "Who the fuck is James?"
As if summoned by the mention of his name, there were heavy footfalls on the stairs and then a tall, half naked man was walking into Jade's kitchen. "James," her mom pointed with her fork. The man grunted at Jade as he sat down at the table.
"Enjoy your breakfast, James. I hope you choke on all the bacon fat." He gave Jade a strange look as she walked out of the kitchen. She went back to her room, quickly gathering the shit she'd need for school and silently thanking the house for having such thick walls. She glanced at the time on her phone as she hurried downstairs. She'd be really early for school, but at least she had plenty of time to stop for coffee and a muffin on the way.
Jade was the first one to Sikowitz's. Shit, she was the first one to school, period. She'd sat in her car picking at a blueberry muffin and sipping her coffee, trying to kill time, but it just made her really bored. She took a seat in the back of the class and waited as other students came in. Andre gave her a small nod as he walked in, not waiting to see if Jade returned it as he took a seat. Cat bounced in shortly after and plopped into the chair next to her, mouth already moving at a rapid speed to tell a story about something her brother had done the night before. Beck glanced at her and raised a hand in greeting. Her eyebrow lifted in response. It was the most communication they'd had, really, since the breakup.
"You're dealing with it really well," Cat whispered, patting Jade's knee. She pulled her hand away when Jade's eyes snapped to her.
"Dealing with what?"
Cat glanced at Beck and then looked back to Jade. "Him. The break up."
"Yeah, well I've got a lot on my mind. It's not 'dealing' so much as 'postponing'."
Cat's eyebrows furrowed. "Postponing? What, the being upset?"
"Yes, Cat," Jade sighed. "The being upset."
Cat nodded her head and folded her hands in her lap. "So, like, it doesn't feel real?"
"Nope."
"It feels like a dream?"
"Sure."
"I had a dream about a hippo once."
"Completely unrelated, Cat, and irrelevant." Jade was glad that Cat seemed to quiet down after that, because Tori had just walked into the room. She greeted them both cheerily and waved as she passed to go to her seat. Jade's eyes followed her hand as it dropped back to her side. Jade remembered how it felt to hold that hand. It had been quick, sure, and she'd only done it to make Tori stop grinning and wiggling her fingers and being so fucking adorable, but still. It felt nice and Jade had liked it. But then Tori went and ruined it by asking what things meant and looking at Jade like she owed an explanation. Jade frowned at the memory. No, Tori hadn't expected Jade to answer. She wanted her to. Her voice was practically pleading, and so were her eyes, which is why Jade couldn't look at her. And then of course Jade had spewed some bullshit about her parents, which was a valid point, but hardly the main one. Because Jade couldn't just shrug and say "Oh, yeah, I think I was in love with you when we were kids, but don't worry, because I might not be anymore, even though I think I am." Fuck. Jade didn't even know if it was actually possible to still love Tori. They hadn't spoken in years, and it's not like they were all buddy-buddy like they'd been as kids. That night in Tori's backyard was probably just a shock. Jade had been emotionally overwhelmed ever since Tori came back into her life. Spending time with her had struck the metal cage that Jade kept her childhood locked in, and all she'd felt was the clanging echo of that impact. That had to be it. Right? Jade rolled her eyes and then swatted Cat's hand away when she tried to pat her leg.
By lunch, Jade knew that it was just an echo from her childhood. The way Tori and Beck were joking around about something funny that had happened to Andre during fourth period convinced her of that. Because all she felt as she watched them was annoyance. Sitting next to each other on the other side of the table, laughing together, Tori touching Beck's arm constantly. Jade shook her head. It was just annoying. Tori was just some stupid girl who Jade wrote a stupid song about. No big. She speared a piece of fruit with her fork and shoved it in her mouth. It's not like she was jealous or anything about how easy her ex-best friend and her ex-boyfriend were conversing. Or how Tori really couldn't stop touching his fucking arm whenever he made her laugh. Something snapped and Jade looked down to her lunch. She'd stabbed a strawberry so hard that the prongs on her plastic fork broke off. Okay, maybe she was a little jealous. But she couldn't figure out if she was jealous of Tori or Beck, because there were weird pangs in her chest when she looked at either of them. She turned her head and looked at Cat. "Give me your fork." Cat shrugged and handed it over, picking at her own lunch with her fingers. Jade stabbed at a couple more pieces of fruit.
"Oh, hey, how did the recording go yesterday?" Tori asked once her little bonding time with Beck was over.
Jade's head snapped up, her eyes immediately finding Andre, who had the decency to look a little sheepish. "Uh," he said, glancing at Jade, "it went good. Real good."
"Cool. I'm glad you finally managed to write something, Jade."
Jade rolled her eyes and impaled a chunk of melon. She really didn't want to think about the stupid song. She especially didn't want to hear Tori talking about the stupid song. She threw the fork into her plastic container of smashed and decimated fruit. She stood up, throwing her bag over her shoulder as she walked away. Lunch was almost over anyway, and Jade only had to hole up in the janitor's closet for about five minutes before the bell rang for afternoon classes.
By the time she had screenwriting, Jade was absolutely positive that her feelings had just been reverberations from the past, but she still hesitated outside the doorway before walking into the class. It was only a pause, a moment, but it was enough for Jade's heart to start beating a little faster in her chest and her nerve endings to go a little crazy in her fingertips. Well, that certainly wasn't a normal reaction to just the thought of seeing someone. She took a deep breath as she walked to her desk, fully aware of the smile pulling at Tori's lips. Jade hadn't even gotten her notebook out yet when a folded piece of paper was slid onto her desk. Jade's eyes pulled from the paper up to Tori, who was bouncing in her seat in a very Cat-like way. Jade gave an exaggerated eyeroll as she opened the note. At the top, in Tori's overly feminine writing, was "Why so serious?" Underneath that was a colored pencil drawing of what was clearly Jade done up like the Joker from The Dark Knight, complete with green streaks in her hair, eyeshadow and eyeliner dark and smeared, and lipstick painted on in that gruesome smile. Jade stared at the picture. She hated to admit it, since she was a little offended that Tori was comparing her to a homicidal lunatic, but it was actually good. Tori had managed to nail the color of her eyes, and even had the small studs in her brow and nose. Jade just kind of gaped at it before turning to look at the girl beaming next to her. "Are you saying that I'm some insane murderer?"
Tori rolled her eyes, her smile never fading. "We had a sub in theater history," Tori shrugged nonchalantly. "You seemed upset at lunch, and some kid had colored pencils, so I doodled to cheer you up."
Doodled? That wasn't a fucking doodle. Doodles were the stick figures and misshapen lumps that happened when Jade tried to draw. What Tori had done was… really fucking good. The classroom door slammed shut and Jade's head snapped up as their teacher started talking. She quickly folded the 'doodle' back up and slid it carefully into her bag. She remembered every single time Tori had ever drawn a picture to cheer her up or make her laugh. And she remembered how they never failed to impress her or cause butterflies to start fluttering around in her stomach. Kind of like they were as she tried to focus during class.
She didn't really pay much attention, though, because she kept stealing glances at Tori, who seemed blissfully unaware as she watched the teacher, her chin in the palm of her hand, her fingers curled against her cheek, and her pen tapping away at her notebook. Normally Jade would have been bothered by the annoying habit, even if she did it often herself, but the pen was striking with each of her heartbeats, speeding up when her heart did and then slowing down and pausing at all the right moments. Jade could only wonder if Tori knew that, if she was somehow purposefully playing with Jade's insides, because a satisfied smile was dancing on the edge of her lips for the entire period. Jade couldn't stop staring.
By the end of the day, Jade was half convinced that it was actually possible to still be in love with someone that you hadn't seen or spoken to in years. It was a terrifying thought, and she was determined to figure out for sure, one way or the other, what was going on inside of her. "Vega!" Jade called out as she walked through the main hallway.
Tori turned away from her locker and smiled. "Hey, Jade. What's up?"
"What are you doing?"
Tori pointed at her locker. "Getting stuff from my locker."
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Jade rolled her eyes. "I meant this afternoon."
"Well, Trina wanted to go shopping for a new pair of boots," Tori said as she closed her locker, "so I guess I'm being dragged along to 'the sale of the century'."
"Wow, I so don't care." Jade cleared her throat when Tori frowned. "You want a ride home?"
Tori blinked slowly, her eyebrows rising. "You don't mind? It would save me from an afternoon of listening to-"
Jade held a hand up and silenced whatever insult Tori was about to level against her sister. "I wouldn't offer if I minded. Now, yes or no, before I get bored and take it back."
"Yes," Tori said quickly. "Definitely yes." Her obvious enthusiasm would normally put Jade off, and if it had been anyone else, she would have rescinded the offer. But it was Tori.
Jade nodded and jerked a thumb over her shoulder towards the door. They fell in step as they headed out to the parking lot. Jade with her head turned down to keep the afternoon sun out of her eyes, and Tori typing away on her phone to let Trina know she didn't need a ride. Jade kept the radio at a normal volume, although Tori would shoot questioning glances at the display whenever a new song would start up. Neither of them said anything, which seemed to be a pattern that they fell into, although the silence wasn't awkward or all that tense. Tori didn't say anything when Jade parked in front of her house and unbuckled her seatbelt. She barely batted an eye as Jade got out of the car as well, throwing her bag over her shoulder as she followed Tori into her house. "You want a drink or something?" Tori asked as she closed her front door behind them. Jade shrugged and Tori tossed her bag on the sofa as she headed towards the kitchen.
Jade sat down, placing her own bag next to her. She wasn't sure what she was doing. She'd meant to, like, talk or something. Try and figure out where Tori stood, so maybe Jade could slap a label on their situation and be done with all the questioning and confusion. But every time she tried to speak, her throat and mouth refused to work and she just ended up gulping instead. Tori set a glass of juice down on the coffee table in front of Jade and sat down on the end of the other sofa. They were close, but there was the gap between couches and Jade was grateful for it. Tori took a sip of her own juice and Jade watched as her throat moved when she swallowed it. "Did you get my email?"
"No?" Tori set her glass down and looked at Jade. "What email?"
"The stupid paper for screenwriting. I sent you my draft to read over. Which, by the way, you misspelled like half the directors' names."
"Oh. No, I haven't checked my email in a while. My laptop's right upstairs," Tori said as she stood up.
It probably wasn't an invitation. Tori must have meant that she would get her laptop and bring it down, but Jade's legs were forcing her off the sofa and her head was nodding, like Tori had suggested they both go up to her room and Jade's body had agreed. Tori arched a brow but shrugged it off, grabbing her bag and her drink. Jade did the same and followed Tori upstairs. The room was exactly how Jade remembered it. Some of the pictures and posters on the walls had changed, but nothing else did really. The bedspread was even exactly the same. White with bright pastel patterns all over. The closet door still had a chip taken out of the side from when Jade knocked over the floor lamp trying to build a blanket fort. The white dresser still had swirls and designs painted on it from when Tori first got it and her parents said she could decorate it however she wanted. The desk chair was even exactly the same, a small rip in the fabric of the seat from when Jade had tripped with a pair of scissors. Jade dropped her bag to the floor as she sat down in it. Tori lied down on her bed, her feet in the air by her pillows and her face turned to her laptop screen by the bottom. She started typing away and Jade tried not to stare at her. But then her eyes were drifting to the window and she could see the roof of her old house.
"Hmm?" Tori hummed, turning to look at Jade.
"What?"
"You said something."
"No I didn't."
"Okay, Jade." Tori turned her attention back to her laptop.
Jade nudged her bag with the toe of her boot, her eyes still focused out the window. "Do you ever stare at it?" she asked, unsure why she did or whether she was actually expecting an answer or not.
"All the time," Tori responded without looking away from the computer. "Pretty much any time I see my window, I'm just staring through it to yours." Her gaze drifted to the edge of the screen and then right back to the middle. "What used to be yours."
Jade nodded and stood up. She crossed Tori's room, more of her old house coming into view. She folded her arms over her stomach. The lock looked old and there was a faint layer of dust on the top of the window. Like it hadn't been touched in ages. Jade wiped a finger through it and then stared at the dust caked on her fingertip. Her eyes slowly pulled up to the side of her old house, and landed squarely on the draped window that used to be hers. "I always liked this side better."
Tori was quiet for a minute and Jade wiped the dust off her hand. She shouldn't be there. She should've just dropped Tori off and then gone straight home. She didn't know how to do whatever it was that she was supposed to do. The talking thing, the feelings thing. Jade wasn't good at that stuff. She was worse at it than ever, since no one in her life had really pushed her to talk about stuff the way Tori had. She'd almost forgotten how to do it at all. Dealing with emotions had become like a foreign concept. "I liked having you on this side better." Jade almost jumped out of her skin as she spun around. Tori had snuck up behind her and was way too close for comfort. She was right there and Jade felt trapped. The window behind her, the sill digging into her back, and Tori right in front of her. So close that Jade could hear her breathing. See the way Tori's eyes darted to Jade's and then over her shoulder, out the window. "It's not far, but it always felt like you were miles away. Every time I sent you a note, part of me was scared it wouldn't reach you. Like there was too much stuff in the way and it wouldn't be able to get through. They were only paper planes, ya know?"
Jade nodded. She knew exactly what Tori meant. They were fragile. They were only paper. Jade had ripped more than her fair share of notes eagerly trying to get to the message inside. Tori almost felt like a paper plane. All crisp edges and straight lines. She was defined. Jade looked at her and knew right away: This is Tori. This is what Tori is. But there was something inside. Words and thoughts and god only knows what else hidden under the folds and creases. And it was the message inside that Jade couldn't grasp. Whatever was inside Tori, the thoughts that Jade couldn't see, was what bothered her. She wanted to know what Tori was trying to tell her. But Tori was a paper plane. And paper planes were fragile. If Jade moved her hand wrong trying to open it, the whole thing could crumple or tear.
Tori was licking her lips. Jade was staring at Tori's mouth as her tongue swiped across the thin skin. Tori shifted slightly closer, or maybe Jade did, she wasn't sure. But every butterfly that had ever been in her stomach and lied dormant woke up at that moment. And her heart was taking up her entire chest, thumping away to make sure that blood got everywhere it needed to be, because various parts of Jade felt like they were burning up. And Tori's hand was tucking some hair behind Jade's ear and then her fingertips were trailing down Jade's neck and Jade couldn't make her eyes look away from Tori's lips as they parted slightly.
There was a physical tension and Tori was still way too close, always getting closer. Jade's fingers curled as that glow crept back through her. Her body was humming with anticipation. Like every particle in her body, in time and space themselves, was vibrating from being forced to stand still when all they wanted to do was Go. Jade blinked. Tori's fingers slid to the back of her neck. Jade's arms flexed, somehow resulting in her hands on Tori's waist. And then, in the space of less than a heartbeat, the tension was released and every single thing in the Universe shot forward.
Tori's room had always felt innocent. It had been an escape, a safe haven. It had always been there for Jade when she needed it. But right then, as Tori's lips made the briefest of contact with Jade's, it felt like a psycho's torture chamber in a horror movie. The air had been sucked out, the walls were closing in, and there was nothing innocent about the color white that was plastered everywhere. It wasn't innocent or pure. It was blinding, like how the sky goes white when there aren't any clouds and you stare at the sun. Or when you're in the dark for too long and then a light snaps on and you need to shut your eyes. It hurt. Jade hurt. Because Tori was that kind of blinding. Jade might have said "I can't." She probably said "No." She definitely pushed Tori away with shaking hands. And Tori let her stumble out of the room, the strap of her bag clutched in her hand as broken, incoherent thoughts escaped Jade's lips.
Jade was parked in her car. She'd barely made it to the end of the street before the shaking in her hands was too bad and she had to stop. Because it wasn't just an echo from childhood. It wasn't a strong friendship that Jade was confusing for something more. Tori had kissed her, and Jade had let her. And that meant it was real. Every feeling that she'd ever had as a kid that resurfaced that night in the tent or whenever Jade's skin touched Tori's was validated and justified in less than a second. Every fucking word in that fucking song she'd written was true. She was in love with Tori Fucking Vega. Always had been.
Jade actually did skip school the next day. She left the house when she normally would, her bag on the passenger seat, but her hands directed her car down different roads and she ended up in Santa Monica. She didn't walk the pier. It was too early and nothing was open anyway. There were just a few old people out for a morning stroll with tiny, two pound weights in their hands. Jade pulled her boots and socks off and rolled her jeans up to the knees before wandering down onto the sand. She walked for a while, the sun still weak enough in the morning that it wasn't hot, just warm. There were a few clouds in the sky threatening rain, but they were rolling out to sea already, so Jade didn't worry. The sand felt cool under her feet as it crept between her toes with each step. She walked close enough to the water that the sand was wet, but the small, lazy waves were nowhere near her feet. She felt awkward for several minutes, because a man was running towards her, legs and arms propelling him forward. She tried not to make eye contact as he passed. He didn't seem to notice her anyway, and she was grateful for that. She turned around at some point and followed her own soggy footprints back until they faded completely, filled in by more sand brought in from the ocean and the slightly bigger waves rolling up onto the beach.
Jade walked under the pier, reaching out to brush her fingers against the huge wooden posts. She walked up towards where there was hardly any space between the pier and the sand, and then she sat down, leaning on one of the posts. She was bored after like two minutes. Jade sighed heavily and adjusted in the sand, trying to get more comfortable. She stretched her legs out in front of her and folded her hands behind her head. She watched the foamy water rolling in and out. She thought about getting her phone to listen to some music or something, but she'd left it in her bag, which was in the car, and if she went to get it she'd just want to leave. And she didn't want to leave. Because she liked the beach, and the ocean in small doses like that. Where it kind of just existed as far out as the pier went. She couldn't see beyond that. The pier was a ceiling and the ocean was the floor and they slanted and met. The ocean didn't go on forever. It didn't drop off in a cliff at the end of the world. It didn't stretch on for eternity. Jade squinted, trying to focus on the exact point where the wood and water met. There. Right there, the ocean ended. As long as she didn't look out to either side, it was finite. She preferred it that way. It was labeled and defined. Here's the start, shifting slightly as the waves lazily swell and fall, and there's the end, constant and visible. Jade didn't like things she couldn't define. Like Tori.
Jade groaned and dropped her hands to her sides, letting her head fall back on the wooden post. What happened in Tori's room, how Jade felt almost paralyzed as Tori touched her neck and leaned in. Jade unconsciously licked her lips, her fingers digging into the sand at her sides. She needed to figure out what she was going to do. It's not like she could just ignore Vega, she hadn't really succeeded in her attempts thus far. The girl just had a… pull on Jade. It was like Tori had some sort of control over her, and Jade hated it. Things with Beck had worked for so long because she was in charge. He could talk her down from lashing out, sure, but she only allowed herself to be calmed because blowing up and then having more fights with him wasn't usually worth the trouble. It was her decision. And with Tori, nothing felt like her decision. She'd found herself voluntarily, willingly, spending time with her again. Hanging out, driving her home, letting all her thoughts and emotions flow out of her in a nakedly honest song, just strolling up to Tori's room like they were eight years old and it was the most natural thing in the world. Jade had no control over herself where Tori was concerned. And Jade didn't usually get scared, but that terrified her. She'd known what it was like to have people disappoint you. Let you down. Break your heart without even batting an eye. And Jade had promised herself that she'd never let anyone hurt her like she'd seen her parents hurt each other.
She probably should have moved. The water was getting closer and closer. She just bent her knees up, scooting her feet slightly farther from the rising water. It would reach her eventually, and she'd be forced to either move or get soaking wet, but she was buying herself a bit more time. Postponing the inevitable, just like everything else in her life. Jade sighed when she felt a wave roll up and touch the tips of her toes. She stood up, quickly brushed the sand off her jeans, grabbed her boots and walked out from under the pier.
The sun had shifted in the sky. She wasn't sure how long she'd been under there, but it was almost directly above her now. Jade thought briefly about maybe showing up for the second half of school, but if she did that she'd probably get called into the office, and she didn't want to bother coming up with a lie for why she missed all her morning classes. Better to just skip the whole fucking day. She stopped on the sidewalk to brush off her feet and put her socks and shoes back on before walking the rest of the way to her car. She got in and dug her phone out of her bag. She'd missed a few texts and one call from Cat. She listened to the voicemail first, which was filled with lots of chatter in the background, and Jade assumed Cat had called her while walking through the hall between classes, because she could barely make out a word the girl said. Jade deleted it and checked the texts. They were all seeing where Jade was, if she was feeling alright, did she want Cat to bring her soup after school? Jade rolled her eyes at the last message received. "Did u die? D:" Jade fired back a response saying that she just didn't feel well and she was fine and then shoved her phone into the pocket of her jeans.
She drove around for a while. She stopped at a deli for coffee and a sandwich. She popped into a record store to flip through rows of CDs. She bought a couple and earned an appreciative head nod from the clerk as he rang them up. She drove around some more. She took a nap when she got home and woke up on the couch in her living room in a pitch black house. She rummaged through the fridge and scraped together a meal from leftovers and some frozen veggies. She ate on her bed listening to music and fell back asleep almost as soon as she was finished.
Friday at school went exactly how Jade thought it would. Cat had stapled herself to Jade's side all through Sikowitz's, asking if she was okay and making all sorts of strange comments about various diseases her brother had been exposed to in order to see if Jade had any of them. Andre asked if she was alright, and she shrugged, and he nodded and let it go. Rex asked if someone had finally done the school a favor and tried to poison her. Robbie ran away quickly before Jade could tear the puppet limb from limb. Beck looked like he wanted to ask but wasn't sure if he was allowed to anymore. She wasn't sure if he was either. Sikowitz made a big show about her "gracing the class with her presence" and Jade shot back about them being lost without her. What did surprise her was Tori's reaction. Jade wasn't sure what she was expecting, but it certainly wasn't Tori ignoring her. Not asking if she was okay, or felt better, or why she missed school. Nothing. In fact, Tori didn't even look at Jade when she walked into class and took her normal seat in the front.
"Jade! Cat!" Sikowitz called, getting both of their attention. "Why don't you come up here and we'll start class off with some Alphabet improv. Beck, you look far too bored in your seat, so up you go!" They played for a bit before Cat messed up and got sent to her seat. Beck and Jade continued, awkwardly, talking about the circus. They carried on for a few more minutes until Sikowitz got bored and ended the scene. Tori's eyes were focused on the floor of the stage as Jade walked by and back to her seat. Sikowitz continued with class, calling students up for random exercises. He always seemed to get bored on Fridays if there wasn't an exciting assignment for the week. Like he was just as anxious as the students for the weekend. Jade watched as Tori and Andre had to pretend to be an old married couple arguing at the grocery store. Beck and Robbie were fans for opposing teams who got into a fight at a football game. Cat and some boy had to pretend to be news reporters and Tori and Jade had to act out various scenes that they described. Sikowitz seemed even more restless than usual and dismissed the class early, saying that he wanted a nap and they weren't holding his attention. Jade rolled her eyes as everyone got up and wandered into the hallway. Tori brushed past her shoulder, rushing off to her locker.
Jade glanced back to where Cat, Andre, Beck and Robbie were gathered, joking around about something. She looked forward and saw Tori hurrying off down the hall. Jade hesitated for a moment and then grumbled, stomping off after Tori. She was already at her locker when Jade caught up to her, and Jade just grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her off. Tori protested, trying to pull free, but Jade yanked her along and straight into the janitor's closet. Jade pushed her in roughly and then shut the door behind them. Tori threw her arms in the air and folded them across her chest, giving Jade a very stern glare. "What the heck was that?"
"Excuse me?" Jade sneered, her stance mimicking Tori's. "What the hell was that in class? You try to kiss me and then can't even look at me?"
Tori rolled her eyes. "Okay, one: you kissed me. And two: you ran off right after and then skipped school to avoid me. So, if either of us gets to be pissed off, it's me."
"I didn't skip school to avoid you," Jade said, ignoring the first half of Tori's statement. She wasn't really sure who tried to kiss whom, and she was a little scared that maybe she had actually been the one to initiate it. Tori raised her eyebrows in disbelief and Jade huffed. "Whatever. I didn't feel well yesterday."
"So you stayed home all day?" Jade's jaw clenched and a smug smile spread across Tori's lips. "Right. You were avoiding me."
Jade threw her hands out to stop Tori when she tried to reach for the door. "I just needed to think."
Tori took a small step back, her arms folding over her chest again. "And?"
"And what?" Jade repeated as Tori just looked at her expectantly.
Tori shrugged. "What did you decide?"
Jade shifted her weight from foot to foot. It was like Tori knew exactly what was going on in her head. Like she knew what Jade was freaking out over and trying to figure out. But Jade hadn't really come to a decision. She'd just kind of accepted that maybe she did have feelings for Tori. That didn't mean she had to act on them. She didn't have to do anything. Jade could deal with hanging out with Tori in the group. As long as the others were there so she didn't do anything stupid like she had at the pizzeria or in Tori's room. She just had to be more careful. Try and keep herself in check. Jade had lasted that entire day at the beach with Tori and Cat and hadn't done anything too bad. It might be hard, but she had confidence she could do it.
She must've taken too long to respond because Tori was shaking her head and pushing past Jade to get to the door. "Okay, Jade. Do whatever you want." Jade didn't know how to reply to that, and then the door was closing behind Tori. There had been finality in her tone. Any trace of the humor or bewildered amusement that usually laced her voice was gone. Tori sounded like Beck. Worn down and defeated. Almost broken. Jade stood in the closet even after the bell rang, her arms folded and trying to figure out what the fuck was going on.
Tori sounded like Beck. They hadn't even been dating, hadn't even really been friends, and Jade had managed to achieve the same end. It took three years for her to ruin Beck, to make him so tired of her and her bullshit that he walked away, with barely even a wave as he left through the door. She'd done the exact same thing to Tori in three fucking weeks. Jade's back slid down the door, her boots squeaking against the linoleum floor as her legs sprawled out in front of her. Jade had no idea what had happened. Tori was one of the people who saw magic in everything. You can't break people like that. They just hold out, eternally optimistic that someday things will change for the better. They don't give up. They don't walk away. But Tori had just shrugged Jade off her shoulders like it was nothing more than taking off a loose sweater.
Jade felt the sharp sting of tears and screwed her eyes shut. She inhaled deeply, trying to control it. She didn't want to fucking cry in the goddamned janitor's closet at school. She didn't want to cry at all, period. She didn't want the sick, twisting feeling of guilt that was creeping through her veins and telling her that she had broken Tori's belief in magic. She didn't want to think that she had fucked up whatever was going on with Tori just like she had fucked up with Beck. She didn't want any of it.
Jade swiped an angry knuckle under her eyes fiercely. She wasn't going to accept it. She wouldn't be the one to break Tori. Jade sniffed roughly, wiping her fingertips across her cheeks as she pushed to her feet. She tried to get her shit together, taking deep breaths and shaking the tension out of her arms. She loved Tori, in a way that she knew she'd never love anyone else. She wasn't going to fuck it up. She wasn't going to fuck over Tori like she'd seen her parents fuck each other over. She didn't want that. She ran her fingers quickly through her hair, brushing some random strands in front of her shoulders and tried to make out her reflection in the small window in the door. She didn't think she looked that bad. Worst case, she might've bared a better resemblance to the picture Tori had drawn of her. Minus the homicidal, of course. Jade took a deep breath and opened the door, stepping out into the hallway to go to her songwriting class with Andre. She was determined.
She walked into class, grumbling a quick excuse to her teacher about why she was late, and took her seat. Andre raised his eyebrows and gave her a small smile as she shifted in her seat. Jade waited until their teacher started talking and then leaned over to him. "I need your help with something," she whispered.
Andre looked startled, his eyes darting from Jade to the front of the room and then back. His eyebrows turned up and then dug down and he gave a curt nod of his head. "Sure. What's up?"
A/N So that's that. Hopefully it didn't suck, and hopefully those of you who wanted me to continue this story are still here and reading? If you are, then hello! Apologies again for the delay, but I'll try and get the next chapter up soon. And by 'soon' I mean 'not in a year' lol Feel free to drop a review if you're feeling generous during this holiday season. It only takes a second and they really do motivate me to write, so… yeah. See ya next time and thanks for reading!