2. The Witch, She Cometh

After a few hours of her nonstop questions about every little detail of my games, I had relented and given Sanae a crash course on every major science fiction franchise I give a damn about. Then, to make sure the knowledge stuck, I gave her a pop quiz on random facts. The results were better than I originally expected; at one point, Sanae called me out on what I hadn't even intended to be a trick question, proving that she was smarter than she let on. (She had a point. Geth were technically robots, even if they were made by aliens.)

"So," I started, rummaging through my bag for another Xbox controller. "Do you want to give it a try? I'll do my best to go easy on you."

"You mistake me for a child, Luke. I'll wipe the floor with you!" Sanae retorted. Nodding, I turned back to the TV. I set up a custom game on Halo: Reach multiplayer, using the classic "fiesta" mode so we would never spawn with the same equipment. To prevent nerfing, I locked out the power weapons, but left in the sniper rifle. As it was one on one, I set the point cap to ten.

When the match began, Sanae's miracle-working ability came into play almost immediately, giving her the sniper rifle and DMR, as well as spawning her next to a freaking Wraith tank. She was no pushover with the plasma mortar, leaving me to narrowly avoid energy balls lobbed from halfway across Hemorrage with near-pinpoint accuracy. Seriously, even I normally had trouble predicting the arc of my shots in that thing. In addition, Sanae was all too keen on the concept of asset denial, fire-bombing every vehicle she came across.

Finally, after about five minutes of cat-and-mouse and three deaths, I lucked out and spawned on a hill next to the Spartan Laser (I never said anything about removing heavies from the map itself :D ). With a single blast, I blew up the Wraith and turned the tables in my favor.

I quickly moved in and salvaged Sanae's sniper. With a few well-placed shots, I proceeded to blow up any vehicle Sanae tried to drive, one time no-scoping her right out of a speeding Ghost. With a combination of suppressive fire and blowing up everything else, I finally reached a Revenant. While its shots almost never killed instantly, it moved quickly, had a higher rate of fire, and could boost for sustained periods, which in my opinion made it relatively superior to the Wraith.

Eventually, with one last violent splatter kill, it was over. Sanae was unable to score another point on me after I gutted her tank, making the final tally 10-3 in my favor. After the shrine maiden sulked for a while, I offered to help her improve her game and teach her some advanced techniques, to which she happily obliged.

"Oh yeah..." Sanae said after a while, breaking the tension between student and mentor. "We were supposed to find a weapon for you, right?"

I paused to slot one more unsuspecting player in the head and leave the game before responding. "I was wondering if you had forgotten. Do you have any ideas on where to get one?"

"Well, there are several. First, there's Kourin's shop out by the border; he has plenty of knick-knacks lying around. The prices are fairly low, but so is the quality of his goods." Sanae snickered. "Marisa Kirisame once tried to fire an AK-47, and it ended up exploding in her face."

I shuddered. "Yeah... I've never had a stitch or broken bone in my life. I'd like it to stay that way for as long as possible. What else?"

"There's a blacksmith down in the village. Bit of a perfectionist and it reflects in his work. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but he charges an arm and leg for his services. And I doubt he'd take American dollars for payment..."

"Damn it, that reminds me. My Xbox LIVE subscription ends in a few days..." I rooted through my jeans for money, producing only a $5 bill and some nickels. "...Fuck. Is there any other option?"

"Well, there is one... but I doubt you'd like it." Sanae shuffled uncomfortably on her mat.

"I have to choose between cheap stuff that may blow up in my face and genuine weapons of war I can never hope to afford. I doubt it could get any worse..."

"The Scarlet Devil Mansion."

"...I stand corrected. It CAN get worse. Why would I want to go there?"

Sanae shrugged. "Patchouli Knowledge has experience in alchemy. You find the raw materials, and she can craft and shape the weapon with magic."

"Finding raw metals would require a trip underground, which for me is currently suicide. Besides, isn't the purpose of alchemy to turn worthless material into something usable?"

Sanae shook her head. "That's a common misconception. As Patchouli puts it, alchemy is a means extracting and refining precious metals from the earth by means of sorcery. Think of it as a magical filter, that also bypasses the hammer and anvil."

"Huh. I guess that makes sense. But still, how am I going to get the materials? I'm already mooching off of you enough as it is."

Sanae sighed. She fumbled through the folds of her robe and produced a surprisingly modern mobile phone. She dialed a short number and held it to her ear. "…Hey, Kanako, it's Sanae. Could I ask for your help? …No, Suwako isn't spazzing out over that ice fairy again… Of course not. But get this—Yukari gapped another outsider who's loaded with foreign technology, and he's staying at the Moriya Shrine for the time being… Look, that's not the point. He needs some metal for a weapon, and the Underground is pretty hectic this time of year…"

A few seconds passed before Sanae spoke again. "Okay, that's a mixed bag of ores used in modern manufacturing. And I owe you big-time later…" She gave me a sideways glance. "Don't worry. He doesn't look like the type to make the first move, but I'll kill him anyway if he tries… okay, bye." Sanae sported a very nice trollface as she set down the phone.

Three seconds later, a loud crash emanated from the shrine grounds. I rushed to the door for a glance, and lo and behold, a giant clump of rock rested on the stone path. "Consider it a gift for your willingness to put up with me," Sanae said. "Now, the only problem now is getting this thing to the Scarlet Devil Mansion…"

"I smell treasure, ze!" Aw, shit.

A black-white witch descended from the skies. Marisa Kirisame floated forward until her face was inches from mine, her golden eyes searching me inquisitively. "Never seen you around here before. The gap hag dropped another one in the middle of nowhere, eh?"

"Please lay off of Luke," Sanae interrupted. "He only just got here. And what do you mean you smell treasure?"

With a wicked grin, Marisa whipped out a set of dousing rods. "Stole these from the mouse when she wasn't looking, ze. I was reading all sorts of bling from your place, so I came down to take a look." She brushed past the both of us and wandered into the shrine.

Sanae and I exchanged looks of horror and followed the witch. Inside, she was already unhooking my consoles and stuffing them all into a burlap sack with total abandon. "I don't know what all this stuff is, but those dowsing rods think it's important, so I guess it's worth borrowing-ze!" I knew exactly what Marisa implied by the word "borrow."

"What the fuck, woman?" I screamed at her. She turned to face me. "You think you can just waltz in and "borrow" from a complete stranger? And in the territory of a shrine maiden, no less!?"

"What? You think you can do something about it?" Marisa produced her Hakkero and aimed it at me. "I'd like to see you try."

In a split second, I analyzed my opponent. A prime example of overconfidence, extraordinary power, and a kleptomaniac to boot. This was a girl who relied solely on her power to get what she wanted, and expected her quarry to flee, screaming in terror, when she threatened them. The mere sight of the Hakkero in her hand, in her eyes, should be enough to intimidate anyone.

So I did the last thing Marisa would expect: I charged towards her. The girl's facial expression was equal parts confusion, amazement, and "oh crap" as she was pinned to the wall by a 180-pound wall of flesh. "Get off me, you bastard—" Marisa was cut off when I head-butted her. As she was dazed, I wrenched the Hakkero from her hand and quickly moved away, but not before driving a knee into her stomach for good measure.

"You know how to use this thing?" I asked Sanae in a hushed tone, gesturing to the Hakkero in my hand. She shook her head. Fuck. Gonna have to bluff my way out of this one. As Marisa finally stumbled to her feet, I pointed the Hakkero at her, praying that my face didn't betray my position.

"It appears the tables have turned, Miss Kirisame." I said. "Now, would you be so kind as to put my stuff back where it belongs and get out of here? Don't worry about this thing," I shook the Hakkero. "I'll have Yukari return it to you eventually."

Marisa's eyes shot daggers at me. "You're bluffing, ze. I'm the only person in all of Gensokyo who knows how to use the Hakkero."

"But I'm not from Gensokyo, am I?" I countered. "We outsiders have always had a knack for the... unexpected. Do you REALLY want to risk having that pretty little face of yours ruined?" Marisa paled. "Now, hands where I can see 'em."

Sanae moved forward from behind me and quickly relieved the witch of her loot, as well as the dowsing rods. "Is that everything?" She asked the witch, who nodded.

I tossed Marisa her broom, which she gratefully accepted. "Now, get out."

Marisa edged to the door, eyes on me and the Hakkero at all times. "This isn't over, outsider. I'll be back, and there will be hell to pay!" She made a slashing gesture across her throat before mounting her broom and zipping away.

Sanae followed me outside to watch the witch fly away. "Well. I didn't think anyone would be able to pull that off quite the way you did. I have to congratulate you on your… wait, what are you doing!?"

I was standing at the edge of the shrine grounds, staring downhill, the Hakkero in hand. "What? I'm just enjoying the scenery. Never really looked back before now." I adjusted my grip on the Hakkero, getting a feel for the soft, worn-down wood and engraved trigrams.

"You need to watch how you handle that thing, Luke. There's no telling what it will do!"

I turned back to face Sanae, juggling the device between my two hands. "I think you're overreacting, Sanae. I mean, it's not as if anything will happen if I just say 'Master Spa—'"

The Hakkero exploded in my hands, launching me into the sky. The Hakkero slipped free of my grip, disappearing into the forest below. As I continued to fly through the air, the rapid change of air pressure began to affect me, and the corners of my vision began to blur.

The last thing I remember seeing before I blacked out completely was a never-ending field of sunflowers.