6. Cleanup

Reimu prodded Yukari's body with her foot. "Get up, Yukari. You owe me an explanation."

Yukari grumbled and sat up. Her forehead looked as if she had been headshot, blood trailing down her face. "Alright, alright. Just a sec." A gap swallowed her head, and when it dissipated the wound had vanished. "Shoot."

Reimu pointed to me, and then to Hana, who was dragging Yuuka's body around in circles. "Who is she?"

"I hate to be a bother, but do you happen to have a magically-reinforced rope lying around somewhere?" Hana asked out of the blue. Patchy pitched Hana a coil, and within record time she tied her sister's hands and feet, and strapped her to a nearby bolted table. After a moment's consideration, she also ripped off one of Yuuka's sleeves and set a gag on her. "Thanks."

"I believe that it can be summed up as such: she's the good twin of Yuuka... in a sense."

"I can get that, seeing as she hasn't tried to kill us. What I want to know is, why I've never heard of her before today?"

"Because she's an inside girl. She very rarely leaves the house—partly due to her quiet nature, and partly because I advise her not to. In contrast, Yuka's predatory nature moves her to seek out victims, and as a result, she's the more social of the two."

"But why does Yuuka even have a good twin? Sure, she's a dreadnought-class sadist, but on her occasional visits to my shrine she seemed better than usual, okay even, if a bit weird. How do you explain that?"

"I heard that." Hana crossed her arms, put-off by Reimu's attitude. "I'm perfectly capable of imitating my sister when I need to. It's my only way of keeping tabs on the world beyond my home. Of course, seeing as Yuuka only sleeps, maybe, two to three times a month, and I have to tend to the sunflowers when she does, opportunities for visiting your shrine are few and far between."

"What she said," Yukari finished. "Listen, though. Nobody is supposed to know about Hana but me, and now that the secret is, well, not so secret anymore, I need your word that you will speak of this to nobody. Alright?"

"…Alright," Reimu huffed.

Yukari glanced at Patchouli, who also nodded. "You have my word. I can vouch for Sakuya as well, just in case she saw her."

I chose now to butt in. "With all this commotion, that crow tengu will undoubtedly show up for God knows what it is she does on a regular basis. If she does show up and I'm still here, what should I do?"

"I doubt she'll come anywhere close to the mansion. I can count two, three, maybe even four magical juggernauts who could have a bone to pick with her, in a single area."

"Wow, you make it sound like everybody who's made a name for themselves in Gensokyo has a bone to pick with the reporter."

"Just saying…" Reimu paused. "So, Yukari, what about him?" She pointed to me.

Oh, wait… I began to stumble towards Marisa's charred body, towards the center of the chamber.

Yukari watched me make my way to Marisa. "Aside from his unusually bad luck, he's fairly competent. He actually managed to peel Marisa's favorite toy away from her using nothing but his wits and the advantage of mass."

As I got closer, I crouched down and searched her body. Finding what I'd been looking for, I pried Marisa's fingers open and reclaimed the Hakkero. Can't let her hold on to this or she'll kill me for sure, I thought. Satisfied, I hobbled back to the pair, stuffing the device in my pocket.

"Did he, now…?" Reimu looked fairly impressed. "He may yet have a shot at survival…" A flutter of movement behind the miko caught my attention. I glanced over her shoulder to see a cluster of chibi-esque girls—fairies— fluttering every which way, picking up books and setting the bookshelves back to their pre-Yuuka positions.

"Excuse me. Young man." Patchouli drifted in front of me.

"My name is Luke," I replied sullenly. "I would appreciate it if you people could address me using my given name."

"Oh, sure. Just give me all your personal information so I can post it on every message board in Gensokyo!" Yukari replied sarcastically.

I ignored her. "What do you need, Miss Patchouli?"

"You're the one who sought my aid, are you not?" I nodded. "Then come. You fulfilled your side of our bargain already; it's time for me to fulfill mine."

I shrugged and moved to follow her, but Reimu blocked my path with an outstretched arm. "Once you're free, I'd like to have a chat with you. Are you okay with that?"

"…Sure. I don't see why not." Reimu nodded her assent and lowered her arm to let me pass. I stumbled off to follow Patchouli, who was quickly floating away. My legs still felt like jelly due to the head injury, but I somehow managed to catch up.

XXXXX

Patchouli took a seat at the nearby table and picked up a notepad. "Alright. So…"

"Okay, I'd like to try and get an axe or something for—"

"No."

"Um…" I paused. "Pardon me?"

"A weapon needs to be built to suit its wielder. You can't just pick something up and expect it to work as intended." Patchouli poked a finger at me, and I was suddenly shoved back several feet by a gust of wind. "You want an axe? I can tell just from a glance that you lack the capacity for upper-body strength needed to control such a large and heavy tool. All it takes is a single split-second of overextension, and even the weakest of youkai will tear you limb from limb."

"Okay… what do I do, then?"

"Two things. First, hold still."

I was confused, but did as she asked. A slight ticklish feeling shot through my body for a brief moment, and then Sakuya was at Patchy's side, handing her a paper slip. "Here's the measurements." Damn, I felt violated as hell now.

"Thank you, Sakuya." I glared at the sorceress. "Don't look at me like that. I needed some measurements taken to determine the scale of the implements I'm building. You'll thank me later."

"Fine. What next?"

"You get to take a seat and relax as I ask you a few psychological questions. This will determine which type of weapon you're most suited to, as well as your combat style."

"That's not too bad… I guess." I sat down.

"Alright, then." With a snap of her fingers, Patchouli summoned a fairy maid carrying a book. She quietly took it and started skimming through pages. "This should be simple enough: 'You're on the run from a band of criminals. There are three of them, two carrying knives and the other carrying a gun. You manage to outrun them for a time, making it to your house and arming yourself with a knife and a pistol of your own. You look outside to find that instead of attracting attention by breaking in, the criminals have set up right in your front yard to wait for you to come into the open, cutting your phone line so you can't call for help. What is your plan of action?'"

"Are we talking petty thieves, or straight-up killers?"

"They're members of a local street gang. That should give you some idea."

I thought about it for a minute. "Well… seeing as intimidation would be unlikely to work on them, and my only real choice is to confront them… I would play to my home-field advantage. I would sneak out the back door and try to get a line of sight on at least one of them, preferably the man with the gun. If I manage not to get spotted, I would wait for them to turn their backs to me and put a bullet in the head of the nearest target, then run back to the backyard. I would wait just around the corner and throw my knife as a distraction, gunning down the next man to round the corner. From there, it's a matter of keeping my distance from the last attacker long enough to kill them, or if they're using the gun, getting in close where they can't aim, striking them in the groin, and shooting them point-blank for the kill."

"Well thought-out, if a tad reckless…"

"Furthermore, the book doesn't state that I don't have a mobile phone on my person. If I do have one, couldn't I simply call for help and hide in a closet until someone arrives to deal with the thugs for me?"

Patchouli raised an eyebrow. "…taking advantage of a loophole in the scenario. Clever." She jotted down some notes and turned a page in the book. "Next scenario…" This continued for about an hour, with Patchouli giving me a combat situation and me doing my best to make it through alive.

"That should just about do it." After a while, Patchouli shut the book and skimmed through the notes she'd taken. "Okay, telling from your responses to the scenarios given to you… When faced with danger, you keep your distance and tackle threats from afar whenever possible. When keeping your distance isn't an option, you try to force your enemy out of their effective range and take away whatever advantages they have, while still working to keep them at arm's length. You're not so prideful that you won't back down or call for help, and you're not afraid to get a little… dirty with your methods. Does that sound about right to you?"

"Yeah, just about."

"Okay, then… Your most suited weapon for close combat is going to be a sword; a hand-and-a-half sword perhaps, to use with both hands if necessary. It has enough reach for you to remain a safe distance away from a threat, and should be easy enough to control your swings."

A sword, huh… not my favorite weapon, to be honest, but she has a point. "But aren't hand-to-hand weapons supposed to be effectively useless in Gensokyo?"

"It should only be used as a last resort. However, I could fit something to the blade to absorb magic, if needed. I think I will do that."

"Alright, that's a good enough explanation for me. Now, what about ranged weaponry?"

"…That's a bit trickier. In Gensokyo, the dominant form of ranged combat is danmaku, supplemented by the spellcard system devised by Reimu." Forgot about that business… makes sense, I suppose. "However, only beings with latent magic potential can use any sort of danmaku, and I don't detect any hint of supernatural power emanating from you. As such… you'd have to make do with a rifle or shotgun."

My eyes lit up. "Great! I'm perfectly fine with using a firearm." I was so excited. I'd only ever owned a measly air-soft rifle back home, and the prospect of getting to use a real one thrilled—

"Unfortunately… I don't actually know how to make one." That instantly killed my excitement.

I opened my mouth to say, "Fuck", but was interrupted by a gap phasing into existence above the table we were working on. "I can take care of that." Yukari crooned, dropping a large, thick book and some small stacks of papers.

I immediately grabbed the familiar book: an encyclopedia on the history of weapons. "I remember this! It's the only reference book I ever willingly read in high school. This should be seriously helpful."

"You're welcome. Be warned though, I expect that book to be returned to me as soon as you're done with it. I borrowed it from a library, and I don't want them to discover that it's missing and start asking questions. Later!" The gap vanished.

"That woman gets on my nerves, mukyu." Patchouli filed through the papers before setting them aside. She produced a compact cellphone, to my surprise, and held it up for me to see. "Anyway, this should be everything I need. Once I'm done, I'll contact Yukari so she can bring you back."

"Okay. Thank you for your help." I checked my pocket for the Hakkero… yeah, still there. "One last thing, though…" I lowered my voice so nobody else could hear. "Just out of curiosity, how does romance work out between people in Gensokyo?"

Patchouli shrugged. "It varies, depending on the target of your affection and your own species. Keep in mind, though, that youkai comprise the majority of Gensokyo's population. We've lived for God knows how much longer than you, and even if you could somehow make it work, we're bound to keep on living for long after your time has come and gone."

"Way to rub a man's mortality in his face…" I mumbled. I stood up from the table and headed to the door. "Oh yeah, what do you plan to do with Marisa?"

Patchouli gave me an evil grin. "I think I'll strip her down, take some pictures, and hold onto them in case I want to blackmail her in the near future."

"You think you could send me a few of those pictures? I'd like to make sure that she never comes near my stuff again, and I can't imagine a better deterrent than the threat of a headline in the Bunbunmaru Newspaper."

"You are a sick and twisted man, Luke… and I can respect that sort of underhandedness. You've got yourself a deal." Patchouli was rifling through the weapons encyclopedia, already tagging entries of note with colored paper strips. "I'll see you later."