7. A Chance Encounter With Death

"Get out, get out, get out!"

Hana shot past me as I was heading for the door. "Remilia throwing a fit?" I guessed.

"That vampire is not happy about what my sister did to her sister. I'm getting out before that girl kills me!"

"But what about Yuuka? You're not taking her with you?"

"Yukari can take care of her. Besides, it's best nobody sees us both in the same place at the same time."

"Good point."

"Let's try not to make a mess of things the next time we meet, 'kay?" Hana offered as she flew away.

"Sure… next time…" But she was already gone.

…

"You know, I'm starting to think that letting you live was a bad idea."

"Oh? Why is that?" I looked up from the path to glance at Yukari, who had dropped out of a gap and was floating alongside me. I felt that I was starting to be able to predict when she showed up, since she popped in and out of her gaps so often.

Currently, I was on my way to the Human Village, where I could catch a ride back to the Moriya Shrine. Still unable to navigate Gensokyo on my own, I was following directions given to me by Patchouli (written in Old English text, of course).

"You're becoming more trouble than you're worth; I've never had things go down the shitter so quickly with any of the other outsiders. I simply can't waste my precious time following you to clean up the social devastation you leave wherever you go. Granted, I was going to tell Reimu about Hana eventually, but the maid and sorceress weren't supposed to even know she existed. You know where I'm going with this, right?"

"I get the gist of it. Anyway, this might never have happened if you'd just let me be."

"Well, I didn't, so get over it. So, here's my offer for you: if you can make it for the next thirty days without royally fucking something up, I'll take you back home. It'll be as if you never even left."

I was taken aback by this. "I'm grateful for the offer, but will that even be possible? I am an outsider, after all; things tend to go badly when an outsider is brought into the equation. Even before I came here, I had a tendency to make things go pear-shaped very quickly. And what about the stuff Patchouli's making for me? What good would that do me if I'm just going to be forcefully isolated for the next month? A waste of her time and mine, if I say so myself."

"…You can hold onto the weapons for self-defense once you receive them, but you will leave them behind when it's time to go. Now, you are to stay with Sanae—or Reimu, either miko will do—at all times, and if someone tries to start a conversation with you, don't respond. And do not, I repeat, DO NOT provoke the fairies, especially Cirno!"

I gave her a pouty face. "Aw, but I wanted to meet all the other Touhou characters! Can't you at least take me on a tour around Gensokyo?"

"No. If they approach you wanting to talk, you're free to converse with them while they're around, but otherwise you are keep to yourself—"

"Yukari~" A loud, bubbly voice chose that moment to make itself heard.

Yukari looked further down the road. "Well, I'll be damned." She spread her arms wide. "What are you doing up here on the surface?"

Two familiar women finally came into focus. One girl sported a head of wavy pink hair and a sky-blue mob cap that matched her poofy gown. The other had short silver hair, wore a green dress, and had a sword hanging at either hip. What could accurately be described as a giant marshmallow with a tail hung from the girl's shadow. Finally, if there was any doubt to their identity, the silver-haired girl was rolling a wheelbarrow filled with food.

Now I was intrigued. What was Yuyuko Saigyouji doing in the overworld on a normal day like this?

Yukari stepped forward and drew Yuyuko into a one-armed hug. "Sorry I haven't come down to visit you in a while. I've been busy with some things."

Yuyuko smiled. "Is that so?" She took one look at me and pointed. "I'm guessing he's one of those things?" That was fast.

"Oh, you read me like an open book. Yes, this is the latest outsider to be brought to Gensokyo. Introduce yourself, boy." There was an audible snap from my neck as I twisted to face Yukari. "What? You wanted to meet a youkai, now's your chance!"

I expressed my irritation with a facepalm-sigh combo. "Luke Thesda, at your service." There was a bit of an awkward moment as I put out my hand to shake, while Youmu simply did a short bow and Yuyuko moved to bear-hug me (quite the affectionate one, isn't she?).

"Aww, why don't you want some love?" Yuyuko pouted as I backed away from her open arms. "Come on, I don't bite…"

"No offense, Lady Yuyuko, but I know what you can do. I'd rather not get intimate, for lack of a better word, only to end up dead."

Yuyuko said nothing, but continued to pout.

Suddenly, I felt somebody lean on my shoulder, causing me to jump. "Well, I'll be. I see dead people… one and a half, to be precise."

I turned around to spot the Hakurei Shrine maiden. "Reimu? Were you following us?" I asked.

"Just you, actually. Nobody in the right mind would dare stalk Yukari." Reimu glanced at Yukari.

"So, Yuyu, what are you doing in the Human Village?" Yukari asked.

"Well, we were just dropping by the village for groceries," Yuyuko quipped. "I felt like getting out of the house and goofing around for a little bit today, so I bugged Youmu to let me join her."

"Please don't tell me you bought all the food…" Reimu pleaded.

Youmu's face began to burn a hot pink. "No. We got booted out on account of Miss Yuyuko trying to sneak some unpaid-for fresh salmon out of the market, so all we have is bread, rice, fruits and vegetables."

Yuyuko giggled. "Yes, wheats and produce are great and all, but I want some substance in my meals… some fresh meat." The ghost girl gave me a mysterious look as she said that last word.

Please don't be a cannibal please don't be a cannibal please don't be a cannibal… Then I remembered that the Japanese had a second use for the word 'meal'… or a reverse necrophiliac.

Reimu looked between me and Yuyuko a few times, sensing the rapidly-building tension. "Well, this got awkward fast. Luke, why don't you come with me to the Hakurei Shrine? I'll let you stay there until Sanae can come pick you up. Plus, I still need to chat with you in private."

I thought for a moment and nodded. "I don't see why not. It saves everybody the effort of shadowing me. Suika hangs out at the Shrine, no?"

As one we turned and continued down the path, leaving Yukari and Yuyuko to shoot the bull. "Well, she LIVES there on occasion, but she's not all there. You getting what I'm saying?"

"You mean she drinks enough alcohol to kill a pack of elephants? Yes. And if the canon is any indicator, Yuugi Hoshiguma can only be worse… or better, depending on how you look at it. At least she retains some sense of dignity while she's drunk."

Once we were out of earshot of the youkai—which was quite a ways away due in no small part to their enhanced senses—Reimu looked back to me and uttered in a hushed whisper, "About that… it hasn't come up much, but I need to know that you won't bring up all that stuff about canon and fanon in casual conversation. If we meet someone new, act as if you don't know them. Got it?"

"This would naturally be a useless plan of action against Satori, am I right?" A nod. "Figures. Alright, you have my word. Now, let's get out of here before Yuyuko starts thinking of recipes made from a young man's flesh… or worse."

XXXXX

"Ah, damn it! SUIKA!" Reimu cried upon setting foot in her Shrine. It was an absolute mess: fine china strewn everywhere, the heated table split in half, and sake stains all over the carpet.

Reimu looked to me. "Help me find Suika. I'm gonna kick that loli oni's ass to Bhava-Agra and back!"

"Oi! Ah 'eard mah neam…" ("Hoy! I heard my name…") I heard a faint hiccup from the back room. Sure enough, a little orange-haired girl with twin horns stumbled into view, shitfaced as ever. She made a beeline straight to me. "Ah see ya f'nally got yaself hitched? 'E looks a weird 'un, ah tell yah…" (I see you finally got yourself hitched? He looks a weird one, I tell you…")

I gently pushed the oni away. I could catch her reek of alcohol even before Suika had made her way over to me, and it could only get worse with proximity. "You've got the wrong idea. I'm just staying here until Sanae comes to pick me up."

Suika grinned evilly. "Ahh… a one-nigh' stand? Or ah you one o' those playboys who beds ev'ry girl 'e gets his hands on…?" (Ahh… a one-night stand? Or are you one of those playboys who beds every girl he gets his hands on…?")

Reimu made herself known with a smack of her gohei in hand. "No, and no. Get that filth out of your system and clean this place up before I break off those horns of yours."

"NEVAH!" ("NEVER!") The oni sprang to life, shooting past me and onto the shrine grounds, arms flailing in the air. Before Reimu had a chance to shoot her down, Suika took into the air. It took only seconds for her to become little more than a small dot in the Gensokyo sky.

Reimu groaned in annoyance. "Honestly, the things I deal with on a daily basis…"

"You want me to help clean up?" I asked.

The miko paused. "…It's not necessary, but I'm not going to insist that you do nothing. I'd appreciate the help. However, if you'd be so kind as to take your shoes off at the door. It's sort of customary."

And so we got to work. I picked up the big pieces of broken china scattered around the floor and dumped it in a wastebin, while Reimu cleaned up all the alcohol with a soapy rag. She then contacted Yukari (with another phone; where are these things coming from?) and got the kotatsu replaced.

"That takes care of most of it," Reimu took a seat. "We can worry about the smaller messes later." She handed me a mug of water, which I accepted.

"So, you said you wanted to talk with me about something?" I asked.

Reimu shook her head. "It can wait. I'm sure you're in a bit of a shock over everything that's happened to you in the past day or so, so I'll give you a few minutes to calm your nerves."

"Ah. Well… thanks, I guess." I quietly sipped from the mug.

XXXXX

"I swear, those fairies can be such a pain sometimes."

"What happened?"

"There were three of them. One was pink, another was yellow, and the last was some kind of indigo. Youmu and I were on our way to the village when they came out of nowhere and attacked us with this giant army of lesser fairies. We beat them off without much trouble, but we had to go back to Hakugyokurou for a replacement wheelbarrow."

"I'm sure it's not a major problem, Yuyuko. No alliance between fairies lasts for very long. I'd estimate a complete collapse of organization within the next week or so."

"Well… now that you put it that way, I'm not so concerned anymore. But what if your outsider boy accidentally interferes and 'fucks something up,' as you so eloquently put it?"

"If he values his well-being, he'll stay out of conflict. He's not insane or suicidal."

…

…at least, not yet.

XXXXX

(Savato93's AN: Does anybody know whether or not Youmu makes trips to the village to buy food? There's no real trivia concerning whether or not anything edible grows or lives in Hakugyokurou.)

(My AN: Well, they have to buy their supplies from somewhere, right? Since the barrier between Gensokyo and Netherworld has been weakened since Spring Snow Incident (PCB in case you wonder), I think that's a plausible explanation.)