Reimu/N: I am the sole proprietor of fifty-two yen, the Hakurei Shrine, and a Ying Yang Orb. The Touhou Project series of games belongs to ZUN and Team Shanghai Alice.

"Yo, Kasen. Who are you bringing here?" said the bow-wearing miko.

"Who did you force into working in the shrine, Reimu-san?" Ibaraki said, pulling on Reimu's cheek not unlike a mother would.

"I gign't forhe anybody go work here." she stopped pulling. "She came up to me this morning, and offered to help. Is there anything wrong with that?"

"You do realize you're letting a Tsukumogami work as a shrine maiden, aren't you?" her veins popped out.

"Yes...?"

A smash on the head is what Reimu got.

"You should be exterminating her, not enabling her. This girl is part of an incident, mind you. Caused by this fool." she pointed towards her father, who she had cut off temporarily in an attempt to hide her past.

"Hello."

"That kid? He looks like he'd fit right into Keine's classroom."

"Fuck you too, I suppose."

"Language." his daughter corrected him.

"..." Shuten had an expression of disbelief and betrayal.

He fixed himself up and switched to business mode.

"My name is Shuten Shizumu, god, and the culprit to this incident. I didn't do it on purpose, though, so please forgive me for any trouble I may have brought upon you. Or have mercy. I plead you." He cleared his throat. "The red haired tsukumogami carrying the onbashira shaped pole is... Hey, buddy, what's your name?"

"I don't have one."

"Her name's "I don't have one.""

Kasen glared at him.

"Fine! You'll be... Hashirako (柱子 Pillar Child), I suppose." (I'm the greatest name creator in the history of authors, trust me. This is professional work.)

"Originality's strong on this one." Kasen said with a clear layer of sarcasm.

'Woah, is that sass in my household!?' he felt genuinely insulted by his daughter.

"Tell me a reason why I shouldn't kick your ass right now." even if he didn't do it on purpose, Reimu was more than ready to exterminate culprit ass.

"I don't exactly like fighting."

"Anyways, can that other shrine maiden introduce herself? I'm not going to wait around to let those assholes finish whatever they must be planning." said Shizumu.

"Ah, good day, sir! My name is Hakurei Yokuri (博麗 欲り Hakurei Desire). I shall be in your care. It is nice to meet you." A beautiful. beaming smile shines down on the mortal souls that inhabit this earth, and whatever Shizumu might be. He still appreciates it, though.

"My soul hath been cleansed and spared of mortal bindings, while my body has become pure and free. I shall now die happily." the onbashira shed a single tear of happiness. "WAIT, NO, DON'T DIE!" screamed Shuten.

"This kinda things just make you believe God¹ exists, right?" Kasen said, completely ignoring her father's position as a Shinto deity, in total bliss. "KASEN-SAN, PLEASE DON'T INSULT ME LIKE THIS!"

"True." Reimu agreed a, a soft smile on her face. "YOU'RE A SHRINE MAIDEN!" the actual god in the metaphorical room was breaking down. He crouched down to cry.

Everyone looked at the cute and crying little oni boy, and their protective instincts took over in order to comfort him, overtaking whatever magics were in Yokuri's smile. Bullying him must be a treat for sadists. (Yuuka, rejoice! Your perfect victim has come! wwwwww)

"It's fine now, we're back..." Reimu said, patting the boy in the back with a motherly tone.

"Everything will be okay..." Hashirako hugged him from behind, letting him know she had his back.

"Our little darling can't be cute if he's crying, can he?" even the culprit of his mental breakdown joined in, patting his head, and squishing it against her... assets.

Kasen looked with disgust showing on her face horribly clearly.

A couple minutes later, he stopped crying. Was he really a thousand years old?

"Are you done now?" asked his daughter.

"Yes, *sniff*, I think I am." his eyes were still watery. He kept hanging on to Reimu's skirt.

"what a little shit of a father that I have..."

"Could you repeat that?"

"Nothing!"

Shizumu picked himself up, and realized he was acting like a child. Hindsight and embarrasing actions are not a good combination. He stuck a talisman onto his own forehead, and let the magic flow into him. But, after a long five seconds, he remembered he would just absorb the faith stored in them, and that they would do nothing. Kasen started talking.

"*sigh* Come with us to Misty Lake, as that's where this red-head told us the shimenawa rope tsukumogami, who has kidnapped the gods and shrine maiden of the Moriya, went. We're trying to solve an incident, and you should come take part in it."

"I'll go kick ass, I guess. The only way I ever get something out of being a shrine maiden is through beating up Youkai, after all, because the incident resolution parties are the only time I really get to eat a proper meal. Let's give these people a proper extermination." Reimu picked up Hashirako's other half and put some gohei onto it (Hashirako died internally a bit.), her talismans, and looked through the unsettling needle collection located in her sleeve.

"Let us go."

-Cirno's Island, Misty Lake.-

A tall and young white-haired woman wearing a Kamidana on her neck sat on Kanako's back, who had prostrated herself to accomodate to her kidnapper's petty request. She felt humiliated, getting beaten by one of her own weapons in a spell card duel.

Sanae was tied with a rope to the ceiling of the ice cavern. An aspiring young little wizard looked through a book's pages, small piles of magical ingredients placed behind him. The ominous girl in black bit into a small yakiniku skewer, fresh. The frog goddess was on the floor, frozen. Cirno and Daiyousei watched as Suwako thawed, uncaring of the people that decided to occupy their home.

"So... you're sure that onbashira girl is going to spill the beans and set the bait?" said the boy.

"Actually, no, but she looks fragile enough to do it. Those idiots won't even see it coming, trust me." Itoshi replied, confidently.

The sharp sounds of an ice wall crashing down onto the floor upstairs came from the ceiling.

"Here they are~" she said, with a confident grin.

They ran in, guns blazing, rushing through the little ice palace Cirno had been building for a couple weeks now, and looked around to find culprits, when suddenly, a hole opened beneath them. They had dropped down into a pit of ice-cold water. A little brown haired youth looked down on them, and started throwing in metal chunks. Guess what it was: pure sodium and potassium. They started reacting to the water, while Reimu tried to pull us out. He blocked the hole with Metal Magic, and cackled to himself.

"Your lives end here! The completely average magician Metis-sama (メティス Metisu) has brought upon your doom!"

He was surprised to find his creator was much stronger physically than they expected.

-Spread Shot: Air Waves-

The punches broke through the still air, and forced it to move suddenly. The metal chunk that the boy had placed went flying, breaking through the ice floor. He panic-casted the spell he left his page on.

-Water Sign: 「The Lost City under the Sea」-

The magician took a moment to chant quickly. The room suddenly filled itself with water bullets, giving off a feeling of drowning in the depths of the ocean. The bullets began to move at the gesture of the magician, shooting through the safe space the team had. They dodged on knee-jerk reactions, while Shizumu shot off un-overloaded blessing talismans, hoping to reverse whatever happened to the tsukumogami. Reimu used sealing talismans instead, hoping to stop him at once.

-Focus Shot: Blessing Talismans-

Normal talismans, with Emotional Exorcism blessings attached to them. Better used against mentally unstable oponents, or crimes against nature given form. Thankfully, this time it was the first.

The youth took his time to process whether if the spell card was effective enough, or if he had to change it. He decided to change.

He let a slave-type magic run around, chasing his opponents, while he found a spell appropiate for his current position. He patiently read the spell descriptions in silence while dodging the talismans getting thrown at him.

-Fire Sign: 「Flame of Prometheus」-

The ice castle started slowly melting when the fireballs circled closely around each of their pursuers. Like it's namesake, they couldn't be extinguished or shaken off. Waves of regular danmaku also shot from the wizard. Kasen dashed under the flames through a small gap that formed at their furthest point. She delivered a clean and graceful hit on the magician's side. The flames close in on her as they approach at high speeds. She jumped behind the tsukumogami, letting him taste his own medicine as the fireballs burn him.

-Moon Sign: 「Lunar Mallet」-

His speed-chanting formed magic in the shape of a giant rabbit, which held an equally big mallet. The rabbit swung the mallet down repeatedly, bringing barrages of bullets onto the group. The boy himself ran into hiding while the rabbit distracted the incident solvers, hoping to get a moment to recover from Kasen's attacks. He managed to get away, just to find someone overshadowing him. He turned around.

-Oni King Sign: 「Fury of the Kishin」-

The small deity had taken a dangerious path under the rabbit's legs. He was less than happy to have smelled it's ass, even if it didn't smell of anything at all.

After using his bomb, the god had grown much, much larger, until he reached his prime form while he was alive as an oni. A five-horned man stood menacingly, facing the magician boy. Shuten-Douji picked up the tsukumogami by his head, and slammed it against the wall. Ouch.

They threw the boy outside, and headed into the basement. A horrible void surrounded Reimu, while the others panicked as the Eldritch Horror's visions would start chipping away at her mind.

"Where am I? Show yourself, Tsukumogami!"

A small, fragile-looking girl stood right under her nose.

"Pardon me, but I am not a Tsukumogami. Welcome to the Cosmos, Hakurei-sama. I am but an elder god, whose intentions shall be forever unclear. Now, you're one of the more special little beings I have met in a long time~ Your abilities are quite amusing, you know? Especially that strange little spell of yours; 「Fantasy Nature」, was it? Floating away from reality itself... A feat mortals rarely achieve, and yet, you manage to do it unconsciously, unable to explain how. I shall offer you a little gift: wouldn't you like to know how it works? I'm more than sure your magician lover would..." Reimu was freaked out by how this being knew even about the secret relationship she and Marisa held "Tell me. Do you desire to obtain this forgotten knowledge? There is no price to it, after all..."

Reimu stood quiet on her feet.

"I..."

A myriad blessing talismans hanged from Reimu's forehead, while Kasen chanted silent words while moving in an extravagant manner.

The child came out of Reimu's head.

"Aww, we were only about to finish~" she pulled out a yakitori skewer from her sleeve. How it didn't stain the yukata and was still freshly made was impossible to decypher.

"Well, go on your path. I shall not stop you by any means. This Tsukumogami fool can no longer entertain me, anyways; however short it was to know her."

A dangerous smile formed on her face, "I shall await your answer tonight, Hakurei-sama. We shall meet again when our strings knot together once again, Kasen-chan, and Shizumu-kun, but, until then, I bid you adieu." and suddenly, she disappeared.

A bewildered pair of oni looked through hindsight at what just had happened. They also did a (double) double take after hearing how the girl referred to Reimu, which contrasted heavily with how she referred to them both. "Well, that's unfair."

¹. The Christian one.