I probably own the eldritch horror Inei, and the Tsukumogami Itoshi, Hashirako, Metis and Yokuri are probably mine too. Touhou Project and all of it's characters and locations belong to ZUN and Team Shanghai Alice, though.
"Oh. Yeah, no." said the tsukumogami.
Kasen was slamming her head against the wall repeatedly. Reimu counted her endless gohei. Shizumu counted along with Reimu, while gripping Kasen by the back of her collar to stop her from getting brain damage.
"Why are you so mad? I just gave up. Isn't that good for you?" They all looked at her.
"Fuck you." they said in unanimous unison. Shuten got up to face Itoshi. "We did not kick your lackeys' asses just to let you off like this. I want blood, dammit! Also, I'm your maker! I get the right to take you out of this world!" he punched at her face, only for him to trip and fall after Itoshi dodged the swing.
"I'm not gonna. I don't wanna fight, so I won't." Sanae started speaking while hanging from the ceiling. "The hypocrisy is horribly comedic here; hey guys, she forced us to fight her, so kick her ass, if you'd please." "Snitch!" the rope girl exclaimed.
Shuten got up and shot a blast of「Divine Sake Elixir」, but she... Dodged?
"The great power to control fate, allowing the youkai to dodge any normal shots aimed at her! I'm positive, this girl has obtained abilities of the Tsukumogami WITH THE HELP OF KYOOOJIII!" Sanae went insane. "My Ying-Yang Orb is blessed with an awesome power! It's divine whispers tell me to exterminate you! Take this! My power, my bombs, and all of my hatred! 「FANTASY SEAL」!" Reimu followed.
Sanity was never an option.
Itoshi got beaten to the ground by the magic balls of light, as they weren't bound by her ability due to deleting any youkai magic that came near them.
"THAT'S FUCKING OLD, SANAE! HOW THE HELL ARE YOU STILL ABLE TO REMEMBER THAT?! AND HOW DOES REIMU EVEN KNOW OF IT?!" Shizumu asked. "I DON'T KNOW!"
Blessing talismans were spread all along the floor.
…
After a few hours of absolute lunacy, everyone calmed down.
A phone vibrated.
'what the fuck is wrong with you people?'
'everything' Shuten wrote.
'understandable have a good day and cya because i'm done with your bullshit'
It shut itself off. There was no turning them back on, so he put it into his pocket.
Kasen had a severe head trauma, curse and blessing ofuda were stuck on all sides of the room, Reimu was beating the other girl (half) to death... and Shuten was borderline drunk on his own spell card. Of course, he shot it into his sake box. What did you think?
They dragged Itoshi through the floor, horribly annoyed. Daiyousei helped with unkidnapping Sanae and Cirno carried the frozen Suwako on her back. Kanako followed after Kasen and Shuten, who were headed to Youkai Mountain, and split off with Cirno and Sanae accompanying her when the pair entered Senkai.
-Hakurei Shrine, Near the Border.-
A trio of youkai sat in seiza in front of mirrors, Reimu watching them quite closely. "Punishment must be given to those who disrupt people's lives. You surely comprehend this, right?" She gripped her new gohei stick hard, and Hashirako shivered. "A-aahh~..." she moaned. "Oh, ew. Tell me, do you?" "Yes." "Yeah." "...yes." they said, one after the other. "You shall all self-reflect in front of this mirror for three days." Itoshi groaned. The other two silently accepted their punishment.
Reimu sat down on a nearby cushion, Suika hanging from the roof and peeking into the room. A bandaged Marisa sat next to her while chatting casually, watching her grimoire sit out her punishment silently. Clownpiece played around in the grounds, her flame hidden from the world. The mountains of youkai and weird people at the Hakurei Shrine has earnt it some infamy, even if Reimu's the major incident resolver. Now, the important part: the 'potential incident prevention success party' was scheduled for the next day. Why did she do it? To mooch off the people who'd come, of course.
-Kasen's Home, Youkai Mountain.-
The shinigami looked at Shizumu funny for a minute, and then to Kasen.
"I didn't think you'd end up going this low..."
"He's a quite unknown god which I met a couple days ago while looking into a kidnapping."
"Ah, a low-faith god. Understandable. What's he doing here, though?"
"I'm a newly acquired friend of hers~ First and coolest thing to do is a sleepover!"
"Are you sure he's not a kid?."
-Oni King Sign 「Fury of the Kishin」-
"Excuse me, but I'm a more than respectable 1312 year-old man! And I shall receive the respect I deserve! Ya get?"
"Well, I'll leave you two to it. Have fun!" She left suddenly.
He let himself shrink. "Now, father to daughter story-telling time! I have so much to tell you, pumpkin..."
She pulled out a massive pot and slammed it down into the table. Shizumu rejected the offer.
"Oh, sorry, I'd rather not. Telling you everything sober is much more preferable." Kasen politely left the sake on the floor beneath the table. "Thanks, dearie. Now, I'll start when I woke up. 'It was a gloomy morning, in the Oi-no-Saka, when I had dug my head out of my burial spot using my own teeth. I was looking around, looking for any semblance of a party which could've happened in my absence in the area, but of course, it had been a thousand years after, and those humans had clearly forgotten about me for a long time..."
...
"...So one day, I went to Kyoto, which had become a giant maze, different from the town that used to be there. There still were some old streets, though, even if they weren't exactly accurate. In spite of all that, it felt just like I'd arrived at an old lover's favourite spot..."
...
"...I decided to go to Ooeyama to get my body a couple days later. It took me about 2 weeks to get around those new streets. Imagine if my kami physiology didn't let me survive starvation. I already looked like a dead man, though. Imagine a normal human finding a disembodied head wandering about in the streets…"
...
"...Even if my body had clothes on, I still had to buy new ones which weren't dirty. So I picked up some coins from my donation box and went to a DonQui. There were some pretty comfortable-looking clothes which I found there, but there weren't to my taste, to be honest. Then, I went around, looking for some place that sold some more traditional stuff..."
...
He told of his first few years in the modern world, while Kasen listened to her father with a gentle smile. After telling her of the time he almost got scammed by a fox, he stopped and helped her with making some food to bring to the party and to thank Reimu with. Memories were two-sidedly shared while the rice cooked. The rich smell of the meat, rice, and vegetables made for a good ambience. Rice balls were made, soup cauldrons were wrapped in cloth, and they were all left in various containers, keeping their warmth.
"Well, it's getting late, and Hoshiguma is going to go nuts on me if I arrive late. I'll tell you more next time I get here. Anyway, I'll see myself out. Love you!"
He jumped dramatically from the window. Kasen waved, a small shard of metal lying in her hands while she wrapped the last of the onigiri.
-Youkai Mountain.-
He crashed down in a most graceful fashion, his head leaving a legendary trail of dirt which would be one day worshipped by men and youkai alike. (No.)
He picked himself up, and went downhill. He met Aya on his way down, who was looking more than ominously happy. He went down to the cave, and walked through the bridge.
-Former Hell, Underground.-
He walked into Hoshiguma, who gave him a huge hug. "You just arrived and you've already started saving people! I'm so proud of you! I saw it on the newspaper, and I was pretty worried you'd just get into trouble, but look at you! By the way, I'm not forgetting the fact it's all your fault, but still, good job."
'I just want to go make soup at home.'
"Thank you, Yuugi-san."
"aren't you just an adorable little child…"
He hoped he would get away with just Mama Yuugi, and not force-him-into-cross-dress Yuugi. He did, a great force of nature and justice responding to his desperate prayers in the form of drunk Oni who dragged her into a bar.
He went back home to find a quite bustling shrine, no sign of any foreign gods to it. These people were worshipping him after a news article told of a new god from the underground who had solved a plot involving the entire Moriya Shrine being kidnapped and heaps of Tsukumogami appearing in various places, with the help of the Hakurei Miko. He decided to use the situation to gather more faith.
"Donate and blessings for clarity of mind and decision-making shall be granted upon you!" He dressed in the miko outfit that Hoshiguma gave him. Unfortunately, he didn't have any decent outfits to fit in as a shrine maiden. It was quite breezy and let him feel the air against the smooth skin, though.
'Well damn if it isn't comfortable.'
He heard a camera click. 'Well, fuck you and my reputation, this fits great.'. The faith and the cooling, long, red skirt made a wonderful combination of pleasant sensations.
After a while, the crowds died down and it was much less denser than before. He took a moment to breathe through his nose, sweeping the grounds with his pitch black broom. He swore to get someone to act as a shrine maiden one day, now that he could recruit people himself.
Shuten sat down to rest and to admire the little and scarce water drops dripping from the ceiling of the Underworld, the lights of the street and the people who came around to his shrine. It felt quite lively, and he liked the noise of oni talking about his shrine. He handed ofuda happily to the people that donated.
-11 P.M., Hakurei Shrine, Near the Border.-
Reimu cleared out the grounds in order to prepare for the party, and invited most of the major forces in Gensokyo to come celebrate. She watched the Tsukumogami sit before the mirrors in deep thought (except for Itoshi, who was noisily complaining about not feeling her own legs.).
She locked the punishment room's door, and went to sleep. If they decided to sneak out, various talismans would be waiting for them, and alert her with an explosion. She didn't trust Yokuri with her fellow Tsukumogami, after all. (Racism! Yay!)
-Inei's Realm, The Cosmos.-
"Welcome back, Hakurei-sama. Have you considered the offer yet? I shall wait for as much time as you require."
"I decided I'm not taking it. While I'm really interested in something that can allow me to understand what I'm doing, the risk that it's going to devour my brain just makes me want to get away from it as soon as possible." the miko said bluntly.
Inei sat on an invisible platform in the abyss that made up her realm. She sighed. She swung her feet back and forth in a child-like manner, looking quite down. "I need to vent my feelings for a second. Can you lend me a shoulder? You seem like the perfect subject for listening to my rambling." Reimu nodded, with sympathy for a beast.
"You know, even if I am old as the universe itself, I still want to share what I know. But people don't let me, because their bodies don't like it. It's frustrating. I have billions of words to say about stuff that could help them, but their minds just can't take it. It's pretty logical that a million years of experience can't fit inside a human brain, but the shitty part is that even a mere fraction of my knowledge can break a man and drive him to suicide. Every book I write becomes a Necronomicon, and I can't even make a story without it becoming some kind of mythological thing that people stare at in awe at for ages. I hate it. The power I have is immeasurable, but I want to do something cool with it. You know, I'm one of the few things that's keeping alien things from outside this reality from destroying everything, yet I can do nothing to contribute to the development of a small set of beings which I like without destroying their entire race. You may ask, why did I give you the offer to know about how your power works? That's because your brainy-meats can already handle the concept by itself, even if you don't understand the principles behind it. And being able to tell someone about a neat mechanism of this world in detail without having their cranium implode in on itself is something I've wanted to do for my entire life. Now you may wonder: why is it that I'm opening up? And then, I say: I don't know, you tell me, I have zero idea. I lost track of my brain long, long ago."
"Huh… having an ageless being telling me about her problems is something new to me."
"And you'll never get used to it, trust me. Now, I've considered doing a memory wipe on myself just to try and live like you people, but then I realised: "Fuck, the outer beings are going to get in!" and then I just get even more jealous! I've even thought of getting someone to replace me, but then I told myself: 'You clown! There's no one who even knows how to even get to the Cosmos yet! How the hell will they handle the multi-universal horrors?' And I just want to say this: I'm tired. I want to kill myself and unleash horrible monsters upon this bloody shitstorm of a dimension, because fuck it, no one deserves a good day if I can't have a million years without being in an unending spiral of emptiness."
"That is quite a horrifying position to be in. I can somehow sympathize with it at a certain degree. You must need some rest." the shrine maiden said. "I don't need it; I require it." a retort was sent back at her. "Do you want to lay on my lap for a moment?" Reimu offered the girl a moment of relaxation, however short-lived it would be.
"I was never one for pity comfort, but it's perfect right now. I've been bored with nothing to do except observe the human race for the short time you people have been in existence while having to make sure that there aren't any holes in the Wall. Some physical comfort is nice, to say the least. It's a primal thing that has been done for ages, but the sheer warmth it brings me is something I haven't got tired of yet, and don't want to let go of."
Reimu let the strange thing rest on her lap, her hands bringing comfort as they move across the girl's hair.
"To sum it up, I just want to have fun... Is that so wrong?"
A/N: What did I write? What is this? I don't even know anymore.