I think I own the eldritch horror Inei, and the Tsukumogami Kashihara, Itoshi, Hashirako, Metis and Yokuri are probably mine too. Touhou Project and all of it's characters and locations belong to ZUN and Team Shanghai Alice, though.

It was a fine morning.

People gathered in the shrine grounds, mats on the ground, and bottles on the cloth. Fairies and youkai of most kinds came to enjoy the atmosphere and have a good time. The Scarlet Devil Mansion residents lay on a luxurious and soft silk blanket with a big and skillfully made picnic basket, Reimu rested on Marisa's mat, talking about ways the witch could try replicating certain spell cards, and the Oni Suika and Shuten sat on the cold stone tiles, enjoying alcohol like no-one else. Wait a moment…

"You're funny! Can you tell me more?"

"I bet you half of my savings I can outdrink every single person at this party without breaking a sweat."

"Literally any of us could do that! Go higher than that! I have a great idea! Let's have a drinking contest AND a fight at once! My endless gourd can take care of the alcohol! Whoever chugs down the most without getting knocked out wins!"

"LET'S GO!"

"YEAAAAH!"

Uh oh. People made way for the two oni to fight. There is no greater mistake than standing between two horned idiots and watching for fun. It is practically a death sentence. A look of fear came into the faces of younger and weaker youkai. They scurried off to watch from afar. The more aged ones sat in shock, unmoving, as if they watched themselves die.

Suika picked up an entire chunk of rock from the ground and threw it at Shuten. He kicked it and dashed forwards, dodging the rock, reaching for the Ibuki Gourd while covering his head, and shoved the oni to the floor, taking her gourd. He chugged it in a matter of seconds. He jumped backwards while Suika grew in size until she was 10 times bigger than him.

The bystander youkai watched as a consensual non-spell card fight between oni unfolded. Reimu and Marisa came to watch the show along with them.

'Plan A: Punch her in the face. That's gonna be funny as hell. Plan B: I'll let myself figure it out.' Shuten took another swig, and jumped onto Suika's skirt. The crowd started booing, but he didn't care. Punching her in the face was gonna be hilarious.

He climbed up, trying to get onto Suika's hands. He struggled while the oni threw her hands at him, trying to crush him under her palms. This was a severe mistake. First off, of course, Shizumu didn't realize she could shake him off her own hand easily, and would fall at a high speed, which would probably crush him. Suika frowned on Shizumu, whose climbing was dirty play. He responded.

"Hey, if climbing on a giant is not fair, then getting to be a giant isn't either!" He took another swig. Suika remembered what the fight was about, shrunk, made herself into mist and yoinked the gourd.

'Ok, Plan B: Punch her in the face AND do something stupid to her.'

Oh boy, bad decisions are being made.

"Hey! Give that back!" He jumped, did a flip, and transitioned into an axe kick so smoothly you'd think this man was Mr. Fighting himself. Unfortunately, his opponent's horns dug into his ankle while she stood quietly.

"Ow! Fuck! Hurts! Bad idea!" Explanation: drunk.

He took a bystander fairy and threw it at Suika.

"You're bringing innocents into the fight!"

"You pulled a chunk of the ground! And you know innocent fairies don't exist! Always, if anything is wrong, it's the fairies!" he recited a recently made up motto of his, while defending himself. That racism argument he brought up at the Moriya Shrine was falling apart with Suwako watching the fight.

Suika caught the fairy like a baseball, playing catch with someone else. She threw it back at Shuten. He caught it, and, maintaining momentum, he threw it back at her, faster. This went on for a couple minutes, until the fairy had become a blur in the extreme game of catch they were playing. They forgot about the fight, and concentrated on throwing the 'ball'. It stopped when the fairy puked out pure seasonal energy, grossing them both out, and reminding them that they were still drinking contest-fighting.

Suika took a swig, and headed for Shuten. She looked to throw him off his feet, grab him, spin him around, and launch him into the Lunar Capital. Of course, this was an alcohol-fuelled plan which, although simple, and her strength abnormal, would only launch him to Hakugyokurou at most. But it didn't stop her from trying. She kicked behind his knee, bending him forwards, but she didn't have in mind the possibility that her first attack would dig him half-way into the ground. She struggled to pull out Shizumu like a sword of legend, and…

New Weapon acquired! 'Kishin Sword'

She did. She started swinging him around, and this let him take the Ibuki Gourd and kick away from her insanely strong grip. He drunk from it like a baby would from a feeder. She realized she would have to clean the gourd later, but kept it off her mind.

Shuten took on a larger size, this time not fuelled by curse, but by alcohol, instead. Truly, a sight to fear. "

They didn't call me Drinking King for no reason!" he kept on chugging down.

"My liver shall outlast every single person on this green earth!"

'Drinking King…?' It sounded familiar to Suika. 'Could it be…?' A flash of recognition ran through her face, determination in her eyes.

"The Legendary Drinking King of Kyoto! My long lost rival! I have finally found you, and I shall take your crown!"

"Who the hell are you?!" his eyes look away from the truth, buried in delusion. He wanted to forget. Oh god, the bad decisions which were made. Dear lord, the hangovers. Jesus Christ, the tab. He owed a million yen to that restaurant. How he got the tab credit for it was still unknown. "oh, shit."

"You dare to forget your duty as Drinking King of Kyoto? I, Suika Ibuki, Drinking Queen of Osaka, have come to take your crown!"

"fuck, no, this isn't happening." He lied to himself.

'That shitty title I made up myself turned into an entire drinking ranking. This is great. Just how much influence do I have on these people?'

He planned to throw a swing into Suika's side, but she already had his back on her knee.

'Fuck! It's going to break! I'm not ready to be an old man and get back pains yet! I'm only a thousand years old!'

He headbutted her, and made her flinch. He had the decency of turning off his horns beforehand, though. Shish kebab-ing his current opponent's head was not in his current interests, drinking more sake was. He skipped away from her, and took a moment to breathe in some air to avoid vomiting. The Ibuki gourd's sake was incredibly potent. How she chugged it without a second thought as smoothly as drinking fresh water before was something to think about for hours. Maybe he wasn't used to the taste of the Sake Bug's raw power. Maybe Suika was just desensitized by years of drinking it. Maybe…

He swayed, letting Suika's blow drive past his face, which pulled him out of his thoughts. He immediately jumped sideways to avoid getting grabbed by her, but it was too late. She threw him to the other side of the space the youkai had made for them, after Suika had taken the gourd back, and she went back to drinking. He got up and tackled her after she finished her swig. She took it like a champ. Suika's grip on the gourd was still quite strong, and her breath even stronger. It smelled like pure ethanol. How do you even do that?

She grabbed him like an empty water bottle, and threw him like one too. He looked for a solution to Suika's unwavering grip. She downed the gourd once more. He dug into his hakama's pockets and his sleeves desperately, looking for a last resort.

Drunken Sign 「Divine Sake Elixir」Oh boy, here we go.

He charged it.

"Hey. no spell cards in the fight!"

"I'm not using it for fighting!" He aimed it into his mouth (Oh god oh fuck). The people who managed to read the spell card's name squinted. Kasen and Reimu looked for a moment, and reacted too late.

A devastating laser made of alcohol flew into his mouth. Good idea in theory, horrible in practice. The alcohol forced it's way through his throat, much like how a drill's head would break through solid rock. It really fucking hurt. The sake ended up overflowing, rising though his oesophagus, until he started spewing it out of his mouth.

His body didn't know what to do with the alcohol, and he blacked out after it started processing it. No man, human or youkai, was made to handle a sake laser flying into their guts. He won the drinking contest, but did he win the fight? No. Of course not, what did you think? Kasen did some first-aid, ironically, using the Ibaraki Box of a Hundred Medicines. Not like shoving too much alcohol into his guts was what caused this dilemma in the first place. He was still unconscious, though.

-Days later, at Eirin's Clinic, Eientei, Bamboo Forest of the Lost.-

"kane-san, I don't want any more…" he muttered.

"The patient is no longer unconscious. The effects of veisalgia are suspected to start soon. Administer the painkillers, Inaba."

"Yes." A needle pricked through Shizumu's skin. He felt sick.

"Severe alcohol poisoning, liver failure, short-term brain damage…" He couldn't hear any more. He felt horribly nauseous. He didn't remember anything past accepting Suika's proposal for a fight, and before that, it was extremely blurry. He was lying on a pure white, iron frame bed. An IV was hooked to his arm. He still had the sake's faith running through him. 'What was that about brain damage?'

He got up, and immediately felt even worse. Reisen gently pushed him back into bed. She gave him a cup of water. A worried Suika sat across the room, feeling guilty. Kasen was nowhere to be seen.

'A hell of a father I am… I'm supposed to be an example for my children to follow, not a brainless drunkard…' He looked at the oni girl who'd been waiting for him to wake up. She looked like she'd been through hell and back.

"Don't worry, I brought this upon myself…" He managed to get his voice up into a hearable enough tone. Suika had left her gourd on the floor. Her eyes widened upon hearing him, and she looked in silence at Shizumu.

He struggled to dump faith into the healing sector of his powers. He felt better, though the effects kicked in weaker than usual.

"He is starting to recover at an accelerated speed. Please remove the IV. There is no need for it now."

He felt a bit worse, and still smelled the stench of alcohol in his breath. He vomited in his mouth. Reisen brought a bag for him to dump it into. He was worried as sake came out of his mouth. Damn. Eirin took a moment to breathe, and spoke.

"Well, Shizumu. You're finally awake. You must be feeling horribly right now. We had considered using the Hourai Immortality Elixir as a last resort. Imagine how irresponsibly drunk you were. You were trying to outdrink an oni, and used an extreme solution to win. While you used to be one, your Kami physique is no longer able to handle the massive amounts of alcohol you had forced into your stomach. I shall let you think about your actions. Then, I expect of you to do what is due."

'Fuck. I haven't drunk that much ever in my life. I have to apologize to Suika. Where is Kasen, though? I expected her to give me a stern talking to. Maybe she's finally disowned me… aahh… I have to be more responsible… Why does this keep happening...?'

He got up and stood on the cold floor of the ICU. It shook him up a little, and made him dizzy. Reisen wanted to help him, but Eirin stopped her. He kneeled down before the oni in dogeza.

"Ibuki-san, it's not your fault, and you don't have to worry about it. I was the one who made the bad decisions. I recognize it is extremely irresponsible to use spell cards for situations other than battle, and that I could have died while facing you. I'm so very sorry for bringing you grief. Are you able to forgive me?" the apology came to him awkwardly.

She didn't know how to respond, so she decided the only and best way to deal with it was in the most natural way that came to her.

"Let's drink again sometime. We'll have to cut down on the drinks, though, heheheh." the uncomfortable laughter lasted for a couple seconds. "Everything's okay, Shuten-kun. Please don't kneel. Look at me."

He looked up to her. Suika had a playful, yet reassuring smile, with a bright tone to her eyes. It was quite dazzling.

"Thank you for that. It's been a while since someone gave me a decent fight. Most other oni give up or get knocked out on the first few moves, and fighting with Hoshiguma-chan is already wearing me out. Let's leave this as a matter to talk about some day at a bar, rather than trouble you've brought me."

Shuten nodded, and got up. He bowed, and headed for the exit.

The door suddenly opened with a slam.

Kasen had come in with a box covered in Reimu's ofuda in tow.

"I see you've made up. I have something to talk about with you, Shuten-san, and I cannot speak of it here."

She entered in an abrupt manner, and dragged her father out of the room with a steady grip on the back of his kimono, with a neutral expression. Her hair was quite untidy and messy from hours of pressing her hands against her head and scratching. She had hesitated and worried about telling about the truth to her oblivious, yet affectionate parent. She decided he had to know about the arm.