Summary: In this touching conclusion to "Lost," Yoh has a revelation and realizes what he must do to solve his relationship woes…
Written: Over about 7 hours into the night of 8/8/07.
Rating: T for mature themes and mild language.
Notes: This is the conclusion to the story I began with Kiss #6, "Lost." This part turned out a lot darker than I had expected, but go figure, these "unfaithful" stories never have much humor in them. It was (and I didn't think this was possible until I ended up staring at what I had written, wondering how to continue, for the tenth time) harder to write than the first part, so you better freakin' like it, hehe, just kidding ;)
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"I know that you hope for longer goodbyes, embracing for forever, and falling in your eyes…"
--Dashboard Confessional, "Living In Your Letters"
Found
Kiss #7
Tamao tried again, clearing her throat and getting up, supporting herself on her good leg. "Yoh, I'm sorry, I never should have come here."
"No, I understand, Tamao," Yoh said, shaking his head. "Like Anna said, you've had a crush on me for awhile. I mean, that's the kind of thing you can keep to yourself only for so long."
She smiled sweetly, and perhaps it was only because Anna rarely did it, or maybe because Yoh was beginning to notice that Tamao had become a lot prettier since he last saw her, but he was disarmed for a second by it. "You really are very understanding. Very sweet." She placed her unbandaged hand upon Yoh's gently and continued, "Maybe it's wrong of me to still be here, but I do know one thing, Yoh. You deserve somebody who cherishes you for who you are, not someone who pummels you for not living up to the pipe dreams they have in mind for you."
Yoh tried to deny it, but knew deep within himself that she was at least partly right. That desire for love that had flashed within him earlier now threatened to burn through his skin and singe the hand that was still lightly placed upon his…
Perhaps the turmoil in his mind was reflected in his face, for Tamao hesitated, withdrew her hand, and began limping toward the door. "I'm sorry, Yoh. I should not undermine Anna so, but I simply cannot stand the thought of such a wonderful young man stuck with such a cruel mistress…Thank you for tending to my injuries and hearing me out, Yoh, you know where to find me if you need anything…"
And she left him alone once more, standing before the kitchen table, his mouth agape, utterly lost in an ocean of conflicting thoughts, the confusion threatening to rend his head asunder. With a vast effort, he shook his head and found himself in his bedroom, for some reason holding a black obelisk in his hands. A vaporous stream began to flow from it, beginning to take shape, until a samurai floated in the nothingness before Yoh.
"Yoh-dono! It is most unusual for you to require my services at this hour. Nonetheless, I sense something is amiss. What troubles you?"
Now that Amidamaru was looking at him with concern, Yoh had no idea where to begin. "Err…do you remember Tamao? Bright pink hair, little shorter than me, ascetic diviner?"
"Ah!" Amidamaru replied. "Tamamura-kun! But do tell, Yoh-dono, how she relates to the burden that I daresay weighs heavily on your mind?"
"Well, you see…it turns out that she likes me. A lot."
The spirit made as though he had just dodged a mortal strike. "But Yoh-dono, that is unthinkable! You must marry Kyoyama-san--"
"Why?" Yoh interrupted, more loudly and fiercely than he had meant to, but all of his thoughts were now pouring out of him at Amidamaru's provocation. "In a half-hour with Tamao, she made me feel more wanted…more loved than ever before! Anna's had her chance for years now. Why should I stick it out for her anymore?"
Amidamaru looked almost pained, and it carried into his voice. "Yoh-dono, I mean no disrespect, but Anna-san loves you more than anybody."
"Yeah?" Yoh demanded, unable to keep the bitterness out of his speech any longer. "Then why's she always so angry at me? Why doesn't she ever bother to express the love she supposedly feels for me?"
"Well, it is often said," the samurai mused, "that anger is simply love's disappointment. And she will naturally be disappointed in you quite often, given how highly she thinks of you. And as for the lack of expressed feelings, there are many different ways of showing love. Some are more subtle than others."
"But she's always so detached from her feelings! Someone that cold can't possibly even feel love, much less be in love."
"Yoh-dono, with all due respect, you of all people should know that we all hide our true feelings behind masks! How uncomfortable life would be if we all bore our emotions on our sleeves! Tao Ren puts on an air of reckless, relentless bravado to conceal the fact that he is hurting. Anna-san fulfills the role of the frigid dominatrix to distance herself from you because she cannot bear the thought of losing you." The warrior looked at Yoh with avuncular eyes then, nurturing and honest, but not painfully so, and continued. "You yourself hide behind laziness and try to convince everyone around you, and yourself to some extent, that you care not about becoming Shaman King, because some part of yourself doubts you could accomplish such a feat."
Yoh remained silent, taking in Amidamaru's theory with interest. Finally he said, "But…but…now that you mention Tao Ren. In my match against him, Anna stayed home, but Tamao came to her and begged her to support me in person. Why--"
"Ah, Yoh-dono, remember. Anna-san distances herself from you because the thought of losing you is too much for her to contemplate. She in fact invited Tamao over, so she wouldn't have to be alone while you battled. Now that you mention Tamao-kun, actually, Anna asked her to divine your fate while you were working to increase your mana alone in the cave. She worries about you, Yoh. Just not to your face. She fears if you know how precious you are to her, you will stop putting yourself in danger and abandon your dream of becoming Shaman King. It all makes sense, no?"
Yoh thought of how warm Tamao's hand had felt, lightly placed upon his, then thought about how everything about Anna seemed cold in comparison--her glares, her voice, the way she carried herself. Although he followed Amidamaru's logic, he couldn't help but wonder--not fantasize, as he felt too guilty about calling it that--if he'd be happier with someone else…
He felt suddenly tired, and he lay down, vaguely aware that Amidamaru had begun talking, but too deluged with fatigue and thoughts to really listen anymore, he put out a hand to wave him off, but the spirit moved to his outstretched hand and Yoh thought he felt another presence in his soul before he drifted off into a fitful yet dream-filled sleep…
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The delicate, veiled morning sun filtered through the living room window and Anna sat facing it, holding up a black garment to the light. "Have you seen my thimble anywhere, Amidamaru?"
"I'm sorry, I have not, Kyoyama-san."
"Please, Amidamaru, stop calling me that."
"Very well, Anna-san…"
"I can't believe I lost my thimble. I'm not much of a seamstress, so this is a painful learning experience." She flattened one of the tears in the cloth against her knee and began stitching it shut. "Oww! Dammit, first stitch and already my finger's a pincushion." She sucked the red spots on her finger with a frown.
"Anna-san, perhaps a trip to the local alteration shop is in order?"
She shook her head. "I made this outfit with my own two hands, and I couldn't touch anything for a week afterwards. This way, a little bit of me goes with Yoh, no matter where he is."
The samurai paused in midair. "That's quite a sentimental gesture on your part. I never would have expected…but I speak candidly, Anna-san. I apologize."
"What are you implying?" she asked, her tone both simultaneously heated and freezing.
"N-nothing, Lady Anna. Forgive me my indiscretion--"
"You question my love for Yoh, don't you?" The question was a lance of ice, penetrating and cold, and the spirit looked wounded.
"I--The matter is none of my business, Anna-san."
"The hell it isn't!" she shot back. "I will not have my fiancé's partner doubting me! Amidamaru, let me get one thing straight with you," she continued, her voice an intense, chilly whisper, "I love Yoh."
He nearly thought better of it, but her outburst had struck one of the samurai's nerves, and he blurted out, "Well, it's nice to actually hear you say it once in awhile."
Rather than react with anger as he had expected, Anna appeared suddenly contrite. "Amidamaru, have you ever heard the tale of my childhood?"
"I am afraid I have never."
"I'm an orphan, Amidamaru. Yoh's grandparents recognized my potential as a spirit medium, luckily, and they took me in." Her voice was flat, as though she were reading aloud the ingredient panel from the back of a box of cereal. "I was cursed, with an oni, a demon, who would appear when I least expected it. You can imagine how many friends I had, what with my tendency to randomly summon a bloodthirsty demon in the middle of hide-and-seek."
Amidamaru gazed intently at Anna, but her expression was as blank and neutral as her voice.
"Nearly six years ago I met Yoh for the first time. He came to visit, I guess his grandparents thought it would be a good idea for him to actually meet the person he'd been arranged to marry. Anyhow, my oni sprang forth during the visit, but unlike everyone else, he stood his ground against the demon and swore to exorcise it from my soul. Yoh was the first person to care about the person who existed behind the oni, to see me as a person and not some kind of possessed…freak."
Anna had nearly choked on her last word but regained her composure after a deep breath.
"I owe my life to Yoh for what he did that day. I always have, and always will, love him. And after every fight I mend his battle outfit, trying not to think of…of how close he'd come to losing…and how close I'd come to losing him…"
Anna blinked her watery eyes as she fell silent, staring down at the damaged masterwork in her lap. Amidamaru appeared touched, but he was determined to press just a bit further. "Yoh deserves, after all he has done for you, to at least know his feelings for you are mutual."
Anna said nothing, and suddenly became very interested in a pair of deep rends on the front of the outfit. She threaded her needle and bit her lip when she felt its sting in her finger once more…or maybe she was restraining herself from showing pain from more than just pricking herself…
"Anna-san, perhaps it is time to try…a little tenderness."
"Amidamaru, I don't have time for this!" she shouted, then gasped when she realized how loudly she had yelled. "I--I didn't mean to yell…it's just that these rips here are pretty deep…and I'm going to need to get some more bleach and black dye, to get rid of these…these…"
The warrior looked over Anna's shoulder and saw the rends in the outfit, surrounded by a red stain that was evident even upon the black cloth. Amidamaru was about to say something, but at that moment he noticed Anna had bowed her head, and her body began to quiver.
Anna stared down at the mass of stained black cloth in her lap through blurred eyes, watching as warm drops fell upon it from her face, turning deep red when they ran into the stains, purifying them, and cleansing her guilty conscience as well…
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The first thing Yoh did when he woke up was open his closet. There, behind a couple of dress shirts he probably hadn't fit in years, was his black combat suit. He ran his fingers over the sleek material fondly, marveling at how impeccably each stitch had been placed. He squinted at where the deep gashes from his fight against Faust VIII had been, the ones that had reduced two of his ribs to shards of bone meal, and grabbed the fabric between his thumb and forefinger. There was definitely stitching there, but it had been done with a precise, intense passion, albeit one that was almost undetectable…
He took the hanger off the rack, stepped into the jet-black shorts, and slid into the top. It fit snugly, and felt reassuringly warm. He turned to the mirror and saw himself, and another figure dressed in black--
"Yoh." Anna's voice was unreadable, as usual, and her face worthy of the final table at any poker tournament.
"Anna! You're back early!"
"For the second time. It's harder than you might think to meditate when you're worried your fiancé is having an affair. Although frankly I'm surprised Tamao isn't present for this second surprise visit. You put that on to try to impress her, or something?"
Her unruffled reaction threw Yoh off. He didn't quite know where Anna stood, but decided it didn't really matter, that he had to try to make things right anyway…
"Anna…One of us is impressed, but it's not Tamao." He walked up to Anna coyly and grasped her left hand. She drew back slightly, and, expecting a slap, so did Yoh; but her free hand remained at her side. He looked at her fingers, felt their tips with his, and ran the most calloused one upon his battle dress, pausing as he searched for the right spot, and ran her finger across the two gashes she had mended for him.
She looked up at him, businesslike, but soon a smile revealed itself upon her lips. "You lost your thimble," he whispered, "but what I found in return…"
Anna's fingers moved from the mended spot on his outfit to the small of her back. "I always knew I couldn't trust Amidamaru," she replied softly, "but he was right."
Yoh caressed the small of Anna's back, almost able to feel the adrenaline rushing through her spine upon his fingertips. "About what?"
"It is time to try," she answered, her warm hand tickling at the back of Yoh's neck, "a little tenderness."
Then Yoh offered a better apology and explanation for last night with his lips than he ever could have expressed with his clumsy words, and Anna welcomed it, knew it was true by the gentle passion she felt upon her tongue, and herself offered up an apology for being so emotionally distant by rubbing his back in delicate circles…
They had a lot to atone for, and their lips remained locked for a long while, Anna's hands feeling the nubs and ridges where she had mended his clothes, sick with worry, but it was all right, he was alive, in fact more alive to her than he had ever been. She felt his spiky hair brushing against her face, felt a rush of energy shoot up her arm as Yoh's fingertips crawled down it, until both of his hands were cradling her left index finger, slightly swollen and tough from countless pinpricks.
"The way a needle must have thread, the way a tailor loves his thimble," Yoh whispered, "that is how I feel about you, Anna. You thought you lost your thimble, but I will always be here to shield you from pain, because…I love you."
"Oh, Yoh…I love you too," she choked, weeping silently into Yoh's uniform as she had so many weeks ago, but this time the uniform was undamaged and he was there, feeling the drops of warmth soaking into his shoulder, and then she felt his moist cheek rub the side of her face…