Another followers fic on Tumblr just got posted. If you love Rory and protective Klaine, the link is on my profile.
I'm sure I had something to say but I've forgotten.
From Chasing Aspirations: This is a bit AU but what if Blaine was the one who'd never been kissed? How would Kurt deal with his insecurities/make that first kiss that bit more special…
Insecure Blaine… *whimpers*
And I know it wasn't necessary to make Kurt super-confident and experienced or Blaine incredibly insecure and broken but hey, if an AU opportunity calls…
Never
Blaine Anderson.
Lead soloist for the Dalton Academy Warblers. A friend to everybody, especially those in need. Out and proud and a firm activist for rights for all. Charismatic, mild-mannered, easily excitable, confident and incredibly dapper.
Never been kissed.
He tried not to let it get to him but it was difficult to be the out and proud one when he didn't know what it was really like to be with a guy. All of the people saying that gay guys chose to be 'gay by default' because things hadn't worked out with girls… well, sometimes Blaine had to wonder if that was true for him.
But then he reminded himself that he had never dated or kissed a girl either.
Of course it wasn't something he ever talked about. For one, nobody needed to know that much about him - yes, he had friends who he trusted and told a great deal to and got along with very well, but they were all straight. He was somewhat close to Nick and Jeff but Nick and Jeff were only really close to… well, Nick and Jeff. Dating for two years, very serious about one another and inclusive but exclusive at the same time. He didn't like to intrude. Plus, looking at them for too long simply reminded Blaine of what he didn't have himself.
He had been at Dalton for a year and a half and Blaine still couldn't bring himself to forget the words he had spent so many years hearing. Words he couldn't recall without shuddering in horror but whose general impact stayed with him every day.
You will never be desirable. You will never be wanted. You will never be loved.
Letting himself believe otherwise was dangerous.
Soloist for the Warblers had been a complete surprise but apparently from the first moment he had opened his mouth to sing, the Council had known he was what they needed. The Warbler had been lacking in morale and community before Blaine had joined and it had looked like they would need to step down from Sectionals that year. An a capella show choir that couldn't even stay together long enough to sing one song certainly couldn't give the performance necessary to get to Regionals, let alone Nationals.
But then Blaine had shown up and sung a Rhianna song of all things and the guys had begun to back him up with no prompting, no coercing, nothing. Simply because they wanted to. And the Council realized that Blaine had brought just what they needed - a simple and honest love of music.
He had been the lead soloist for a year when one boy walked in that could change everything.
It was a typical meeting - boring and stuffy as the Warblers were, the other boys quickly losing interest and waiting for the moment when they could actually sing - when the knock came on the door. "Excuse me? I was told this was where the Warblers met."
All eyes shot to the door and Blaine's breath caught in his throat.
An honest to god angel was standing in the doorway, dressed in Dalton uniform but with the distinct accent that showed he wasn't an Ohio boy. Hair perfectly styled, flawless skin and a hint of what was clearly a heightened fashion sense showing through in his accessories that were just enough under the radar to pass. And he was familiar, but Blaine couldn't quite put his finger on it. "I - yes, it is," Wes said, clearing his throat. "And you are?"
"Kurt Hummel. Transfer student from San Francisco. I arrived yesterday." Kurt took another step into the room and Blaine heard a click that he wasn't accustomed to when Dalton boys walked. Glancing down, he had to do a double take when he realized that this Kurt was wearing boots, again just close enough to the uniform regulation that he would get away with it but wow. "I was in my old school's show choir and I was hoping to audition?"
"Well," Wes began, his official voice in place, "we have to set up a time for auditions so if you can come back in a few days, we could -"
Kurt crossed the room, boots clicking, to the Warbler desk and placed a piece of paper on it. "You might want to read this first." Murmurs broke out at that because nobody had interrupted Wes before, especially not when he was laying down the law. Eyebrows raised to extraordinary heights, Wes picked up the piece of paper and skimmed through it.
He turned pale.
"I - ah, I think we can arrange that audition for right now. Obviously just a formality but… well." Wes cleared his throat and moved straight into official mode. "Gentlemen, this is Kurt Hummel -"
Yes, we know that, Wes.
"- former lead soloist of the Blackbirds."
Absolute silence. Blaine knew his wasn't the only jaw that had dropped as they all stared because, oh, that was that Kurt Hummel. Here. Joining their show choir.
Well.
"So, do you want me to sing?" Kurt finally asked and Blaine could hear the amusement in his voice. An immediate chorus of yesses rang out and he chuckled. "Okay. Call it cliche but I'm going to sing the song I auditioned with that gave us our name. I hear this is a capella so I'd love it if you backed me up."
Blaine knew it was coming but it didn't stop the tidal wave of shock hitting him when Kurt actually opened his mouth and began to sing because this boy?
Yeah. Phenomenal.
They sang the backing vocals of course, Blaine struggling a little to keep up with the others - partially because he had never actually sung the harmonies in this group before, mostly because he was transfixed - but Kurt didn't even need them. He was captivating alone and it was no wonder that the Blackbirds had taken out Nationals for the past three years with Kurt as their soloist.
And Blaine could see that this was going to be his downfall.
The Warblers were a unit. It had taken them so long to get to this point and Blaine knew the Council weren't willing to let that go, even if it meant giving up the most amazing talent they had ever gotten, far better than Blaine himself, he knew it. While Blaine was more than willing to step aside - because yes, performing was his love but for talent like that he couldn't be selfish - he wasn't sure that the Council would put Kurt in his place.
So the real shock came when Kurt had finished and began to speak before anybody else could. "I'm not asking to be your soloist. I haven't heard much about your performances - apparently you dropped out for a few years - but I gather there already is a lead soloist and I don't want to take his spot." Every eye in the room turned to Blaine at that, Kurt catching their glances and doing the same. "I'm guessing that's you?" Blaine nodded reluctantly. "Yeah, I don't want your spot, don't worry. I just -" he sighed. "Okay, I'm not used to spilling my guts to people I've never met but I'm going to just be honest from the get go. My team was never a team. We all hated one another with a passion and everybody resented me for getting solos. We're a little like the Vocal Adrenaline of your show choir world. And I loved the spotlight, still do love it with my whole heart, but I'm pretty much craving some friendship, some teamwork."
Blaine watched the stern expression melt off Wes's face instantly. "Do I need to put it to a vote?" he asked, and Blaine swore there was a hint of a smirk when everybody shook their heads. "Well, Blaine?"
Every eye turned to Blaine who suppressed a sigh - new Warblers had to be run by him as the lead soloist, making him wonder just why they even had a council. "Do you really think I'd say no?" Acting as tradition dictated (and a little just because he wanted to) Blaine stood and held out a hand to Kurt. "Welcome to the Warblers."
Kurt shook his hand and it was like electricity.
He was brilliant at hiding things, of course, so Blaine never let on that holding Kurt's hand was like wrapping them around a heater in the middle of winter - that sudden warmth that left you rejuvenated and never wanting to let go. Obviously Blaine knew what it was like to be attracted to boys but that, that was something he had never experienced in his life. It wasn't even a fear of getting too close to the fire and getting burned, it was like the closer he got to Kurt the warmer he would get until he finally thawed out again, until he wasn't numb inside anymore.
And that was just so Blaine. Didn't even know this guy and already he was trying to lean on him, trying to get Kurt to be the one to fix him and that was so not fair on Kurt. Blaine needed to deal with this himself, needed to be strong enough to just get on with his life and not let the past haunt him.
He was a wreck and Kurt… Kurt was strong and beautiful and graceful and everything that Blaine not only wanted but wanted to be.
But the moment passed as they all did and soon enough Kurt was sitting down at the other end of the couch to Blaine, listening intently as the Council began to drone on again. The other boys seemed torn between watching Kurt and pretending not to fall asleep and, since Kurt seemed so distracted, Blaine allowed himself to do the same.
Irrelevant of gender or sexual preference, the first reaction for all upon seeing Kurt Hummel was undoubtedly beautiful. There was something different about him, something that nobody else in this room seemed to have. The confidence he exuded was real, for one, and Blaine could tell the difference between real and faked confidence like nobody else. He was self-assured but also probably built up by the people around him and this looked like a boy who had never been bullied or hated on and Blaine wanted to hate him for it but couldn't.
All he wanted was to get to know this boy but not let Kurt get to know him. Not the real him.
It took Kurt a little while to settle in properly, longer than Blaine had expected. While Blaine being their soloist was one thing, another person showing up with equal talent and being just as friendly was apparently now a threat and a few of the Warblers had trouble taking to the newest Warbler.
Blaine wasn't one of those, not by far. As soon as the meeting had ended and Kurt had pulled out a map of the campus, Blaine had immediately offered to take him to whatever class he had next. From that he learned Kurt was a Junior, but he also learnt that Kurt warmed quickly to people and by the time they had made it to Kurt's seventh period class, they were talking like old friends and arranging to get coffee after class. From there it had been simple to start hanging out after school, finding their common interests and becoming good friends.
And Blaine had started falling hard.
It was typical of course - when he first arrived at Dalton and it had been okay to like boys, he had fallen for both Nick and Jeff (not to mention the myriad of straight boys) within four months of his arrival. But instead of a sudden rush of feelings, of want and hope and jumping straight to imagining marriages and children, this was different. It was a slow process, small steps of realizations that Kurt was something different, someone who Blaine really wanted to spend all of his time with and hold hands with and sing with and kiss, and as soon as he had made that last realization he knew. He liked Kurt.
Kurt wouldn't like him back, of course, and Blaine would never try to force his feelings on the boy or even tell him about them. He was just happy to have Kurt as a friend.
It hadn't taken long for Nick and Jeff to warm up to Kurt either, helped by the fact that Kurt had nonchalantly let slip over lunch about his last boyfriend (and Blaine had nearly choked on his water at that because hehadn't known Kurt was gay until then, only hoped). Blaine was fairly sure they were hoping for Kurt to find another boyfriend so they could double date - apparently they had given up on Blaine doing the same a long time ago - and it wasn't long before the four of them were hanging out frequently as well.
But Kurt still seemed to make time for just him and Blaine to be together and, try as he might, Blaine couldn't help but read into it. He still didn't say anything, but the smile on his face was a little more real every time Kurt smiled back.
They had been in the room together for all of five minutes that time when it began.
"So," Jeff started slowly, clearly a little apprehensive about what he was asking. "What are the guys like in San Fran?"
Nick raised an eyebrow. "Why, thinking of dropping me for one?"
It was a clear joke - the two were never going to break up, Blaine knew it - and Jeff took it in good humor. "No, I was going to find you a better model of me to trade in for," he bantered back. "Seriously though, any stories?"
"Tons," Kurt said lightly and Blaine resisted the urge to sigh. Of course he knew Kurt had dated at least once, but Blaine had harbored a few vague thoughts that maybe, just maybe, Kurt was as inexperienced as he was, that he wasn't alone. But clearly Kurt's desirability had rubbed off on the San Francisco boys as well. "Wow, that just made me sound like I've got all the experience in the world." Kurt laughed, shaking his head. "No, I've dated a few guys but they were definitely all catches. I mean, my last boyfriend… wow. We were on for six months and it was incredible."
"I guess you have better luck with dates then," Jeff said. "We struggle. People are far less accepting here than it seems like they are over there."
Kurt nodded, looking sympathetic. "It just goes to show how strong you two are that you can keep going no matter how apparently wrong your relationship is. But yes, I've had some really good dates. That last guy, one of our first dates was pretty much the romantic dream."
"Tell us?"
Blaine wanted to leave, to hit his head against the wall because why, seriously, why did they need to do this?
"It was fantastic," Kurt told them, toying with the ends of his tie as he talked. "We went out for dinner - his shout, no matter how much I argued - and afterwards he took me out along the boardwalk and we sat on the edge and watched the tide roll in and he said to me, honest to god, nobody makes me feel the way you do, Kurt. And it should have been cliche but somehow it wasn't."
Nick sighed almost wistfully before shooting a worried glance at Jeff who was smiling. "And then?"
"And then he kissed me," Kurt said, a smile curving over his face at the memory. "I mean, I'd been kissed before that but that was a kiss. It was gentle and loving but also passionate and almost overwhelming all in one and I just kind of wanted to stay there and kiss him forever. You guys know what that's like?"
Nick and Jeff nodded, glancing at each other at the same time. "Yeah," Jeff said, his voice going almost dreamy. "Yeah, he makes me feel that way."
"Blaine?"
Blaine blinked a couple of times, glancing up at Kurt who was watching him. "I - yeah?"
"You with us? You kind of zoned out there."
Of course they were all looking at him now and Blaine didn't know what to do because he knew there was no reason to be ashamed of it but when there were three other equally gay guys sitting in front of him talking about how wonderful it was to kiss someone, he couldn't. Not yet. "I'm just -" he stood suddenly, chair screeching along the floor. "Bathroom. Back in a sec."
Blaine all but bolted along the corridor and into the bathroom, locking himself in the first available stall and resting his head against the door, breath coming out in shaky gasps. It just wasn't fair - all of those guys knew what it was like to be loved and cherished and wanted and what did he have? Nothing. Never had, never would.
Footsteps entered the bathroom with a slight click to them that only meant one thing. "Blaine?" came Kurt's voice, soft and concerned. "Are you okay?" Giving himself a second to try and get some semblance of control, Blaine unlocked the door and stepped out. Kurt's concerned expression grew when he took him in. "You're so pale, what's wrong?"
Stepping across to the mirror, Blaine saw Kurt was right. "I'm not feeling great," he said, honest but deceiving enough that Kurt would think he was sick. Bending down he turned on the tap and splashed water on his face, hoping it would mask any tears that might escape.
And then a hand was resting on his back. "Poor thing," Kurt murmured. "Why didn't you say so? Do you want me to get the nurse?"
"No, it's okay." Blaine grabbed a wad of paper towel and dried off his face the best he could. He wanted to turn around and give Kurt his most reassuring smile but it wasn't coming. "I think I'll just go back to my room for awhile."
"I'm not letting you go alone." Kurt's arm was suddenly around his waist and Blaine leaned into him unconsciously, not wanting to appear weak but knowing it wasn't easy to be strong when you weren't. "That's it. Come on." And it was so easy to lean properly against Kurt's shoulder as they walked because Blaine wasn't used to this but it still felt so right. It was what he had always wanted and, more recently, what he had always wanted with Kurt and even if he never had a chance of being Kurt's boyfriend, this was still amazing. For someone who had never been kissed anyway.
"Blaine?"
Blaine turned his head to look up at Kurt properly who was staring down at him, a faint smile touching his lips. "I need your key to get in." Unable to even find the energy for embarrassment - and maybe he was getting sick after all, it certainly felt so - Blaine dug in his pocket and pulled out his room key. Kurt unlocked the door and helped Blaine through, sitting him on the edge of his bed while Blaine kicked his shoes off. "Is there anything I can get for you?"
Tugging the covers back, Blaine slipped his legs in and thought about it for a second as he unbuttoned his blazer. "Water would be nice," he admitted, slipping it over his sleeves and hanging it on the edge of his bed.
Silence for a second then Kurt's voice, slightly higher than usual. "Coming right up."
Blaine rested his head against the pillow and closed his eyes before rolling to lie on his stomach. As much as he usually enjoyed watching Kurt's every move without being in the slightest stalker-like, right now he just wanted to be alone in his self-pity.
Kurt returned from the bathroom, placing the water glass gently on his bedside table. Blaine felt a weight settle on the side of his bed, the small dip where Kurt had sat down. "Blaine?" he murmured softly.
"Mm?"
"The water's by your bed. Do you feel like you're going to throw up? Because I can get you a trash bin if you need it or some tablets to settle your stomach."
Blaine shook his head against the pillow. "Just want to sleep. Sorry to make you go to all this effort for me." His voice was slurring out and Blaine could feel himself slipping off the edge but somehow still wide awake, well aware of every movement but unable to move himself.
So when Kurt's hand was resting on his back again, rubbing in soft circles, it was simple for Blaine not to react. "It's never an effort for you," came the murmur, so quiet that he barely heard it. "Are you going to be okay?" Blaine couldn't find the energy to respond and Kurt sighed, rubbing his back for a little longer before standing. "So strong, but when he falls he falls hard."
As Kurt left, Blaine opened his eyes against the fabric with a little sigh of his own.
Kurt, you haven't seen me fall. Not by far.
"Come on you guys, lighten up a little!"
Wes shook his head firmly. "No. Absolutely not, Kurt. It's against the rules."
"Ah, but that's where you're wrong." Kurt pulled out a copy of the rulebook and flipped to the middle. "Dalton Academy clubs are entitled to two club parties a year as long as there are no alcoholic beverages present and all visitors are signed in and leave the campus at the appropriate time." Murmurs of interest began and Blaine swapped an amused look with Trent - Wes lived by the rulebook and to find that someone had bested him with it… well, Blaine simply could not stop falling for Kurt.
Wes pulled out his own copy and flicked through, reading slowly. "I see," he said finally. "Well I suppose we had better put it to a vote."
Every single hand in the room flew up before Wes could continue and David laughed from beside him. "I'd say we have an agreement, Wesley."
Wes hit him. "Fine," he said as David rubbed his arm theatrically. "It looks like we're having a party tonight. Go get changed and call your girlfriends or significant others and we'll meet back here in an hour. Kurt, do you think you could decorate?"
There was silence and everybody turned to see empty space where Kurt had been. A second later, Blaine's phone buzzed and he opened the text. "Kurt says to tell you that he's gone to get changed and some of you need to raid the kitchen and return with food," he read, smirking up at the council members. "He left as soon as Wes said vote."
The others laughed, all well used to Kurt and his antics by now and Blaine had to smile because finally Kurt was one of them. He knew how it felt to be an outcast and the last thing he wanted was for Kurt to feel the same way. And if he had, he didn't need to anymore.
As others pulled their phones out and began to make calls, Blaine left to get ready. As usual there was the brief flash of loneliness, of knowing there was nobody for him to call and invite, but he pushed it aside. Tonight was about having fun after all - they had never had a Warbler party before and Blaine was looking forward to everybody just cutting loose and having some fun. He changed quickly, choosing red jeans and a plain t-shirt before heading back to the choir room to see if Kurt was ready and needing help.
Blaine was used to seeing Kurt out of uniform by now but every single outfit never ceased to amaze him. The small attention to detail, the way every piece complemented the other perfectly to create an outfit that, were it missing one piece would have been a fashion disaster. Or perhaps it was just Kurt that pulled the outfit together. "Oh, Blaine!" Kurt called out as he entered. "Could you -?"
He broke off and Blaine frowned. "What?"
Kurt blinked a few times, shaking his head slowly. "You. I think this is the first time I've seen you out of uniform."
"Oh." Blaine glanced down self-consciously. "Yeah. I know it's nothing on your outfits but -"
"You look fantastic."
Blaine began to blush but Kurt was still smiling at him like it was the most natural compliment to give. "Anyway, do you think you could help me out? I need all the couches moved to the sides and those two tables pulled together over there for food."
They made quick work of it and by the time other Warblers began to arrive back with food and drinks the room was all set up. Kurt collapsed on a couch, fanning his face and Blaine perched on the arm, chuckling softly. "Your hair is fine," he said preemptively and Kurt smiled up at him gratefully.
"Thanks. How many girlfriends are coming to this thing?"
"Well nearly every Warbler has one excluding us and Nick and Jeff… and maybe Cameron," Blaine said contemplatively. "Him and his girlfriend are on and off. But everybody's all paired up nicely right now."
He had to fight to keep the bitterness out of his voice and Kurt's smile softened, dropped a little. But he didn't say anything, simply closing one hand over Blaine's quickly before standing. "Does nobody know how to organize a food table properly," he tutted, crossing the room to begin barking out orders.
"You're into him."
Blaine jumped, turning to see Nick leaning against the wall, watching him. "I'm sorry?"
"Kurt. You so like him."
"I - no, no I just -"
Nick sighed and cut him off. "Okay, you and I are friends, yeah? Friends see these things and friends also tell friends to go for it. Take a chance, Blaine. You haven't dated anybody in the year and a half you've been here and Kurt's the first person you've taken a noticeable interest in. And he's a great guy, you know if he doesn't feel the same he'll let you down nicer than anybody else could."
"Your boyfriend's here," Blaine said quietly, waiting for Nick to turn before standing and striding across the room to strike up a conversation with Trent. He knew Nick would be disappointed and probably want to talk to him again later but this wasn't something he wanted to think about tonight. Tonight was about just having fun.
A rush of girls entered the room and suddenly everything was alive. Music began to blare and people started mingling and dancing together. Blaine knew nearly all of the girls and found himself quickly drawn into conversation with a couple of the singles who had come with their friends. "Who's the new guy?" Elizabeth asked, casting a sideways glance at Kurt. "He's cute."
"Also doesn't play for your team," Blaine explained with an apologetic smile. "But that's Kurt from San Francisco."
He was asked the question many times over the evening, talking more about Kurt than himself and not really caring. Of course he spent plenty of time talking to Kurt too and finally found himself relaxing, hanging out on one of the couches laughing with a group of Warblers.
Of course all good things had to end.
"Hey, who's up for Spin The Bottle?"
One of the Crawford girls was holding up her empty Coke bottle, waving it suggestively. The rest of the girls were already forming a circle, tugging their respective others in with the rest of the boys following suit. Blaine glanced helplessly at Wes but even he seemed in on the game, settling himself between two of the Crawford girls happily. Kurt was glancing up at him now and any second he was going to comment and draw everybody elses attention and Blaine couldn't handle that. He could handle Kurt knowing because Kurt at least had tact but not other people who would ask questions and try to work out why he couldn't handle such a simple game.
So with a quick look to Kurt which hopefully conveyed everything he couldn't say, Blaine turned and slipped out of the room.
This wasn't one of those things he could compromise on. He couldn't sit by and pretend he was involved and just hope that nobody ended up getting him because that was too much of a risk. He couldn't sit out because that would raise questions and that was something he couldn't handle. Instead he had to run - run like he always had, be the same coward that had run to Dalton and hid behind the fancy walls and blending in with the uniform, the hair, the smile.
It was something that should be such a small deal - never been kissed, who cares? It'll happen some day - but to him it meant the world. It meant that all the words that had been piled on him were closer to being true.
Blaine knew eventually someone would come looking for him and immediately on arriving back in his room began to plan a cover story. Phone out, on the desk, giving the impression that he had taken an urgent call. Cover story… parents, maybe. Instructions for the weekend when they went away -
He hadn't expected it to take less than five minutes for them to arrive. And yes, he had expected someone but it was more than likely going to be Wes or David, someone he could lie easily to and then get them back down to the party while he moped. Not this.
"Okay," came the voice from behind him and Blaine jumped, spinning around to see Kurt closing the door behind him. "We're going to talk. And we're both going to be very honest with each other and I can see that look in your eyes already, you're trying to escape and I'm not letting you. Not physically, not emotionally. Sit down."
"Kurt, I -"
"Don't." Kurt's voice was as soft and kind as ever but Blaine knew he wasn't getting out of it. "I'm not here to judge or make you uncomfortable. I'm just at the point where I can't handle seeing you hurting all the time and I want to know what's happened to make you this way."
He knew.
All of the effort Blaine had put into hiding, into pretending that his life was just fantastic and he was just like any other person was all for waste. Kurt knew - knew he was inexperienced and naive and unwanted and all of those horrible things that Kurt definitely wasn't.
Blaine found himself sitting on the edge of his bed, hands twisted together with Kurt sitting beside him. "Hey, it's alright. You don't have to be afraid of me, I just want to try and help you."
"You can't."
Kurt nodded slowly. "Maybe I can't fix it, but that's not what I'm trying. I want to help. Now," Kurt continued before Blaine could interrupt again, "I've been thinking about this a lot and I think I've pinpointed the trigger - whenever we talk about relationships." Blaine stiffened and Kurt nodded again. "I've come up with two options. One is that you've been through a bad one and if so, I can assure you now that I'm not going to make you talk about it if you don't want to. And the second is that you haven't been in one at all and it gets a bit much to hear us talking about it all the time."
It only took a second before Blaine began to speak without consciously being aware of the decision to do so. It got easier with every word and before long he was spilling it all - every hurtful comment he had ever heard and how much it had destroyed his confidence, made him feel like he would never experience what Nick and Jeff had or what Kurt had experienced. That it wasn't just that he hadn't experienced it but that he wasn't sure if he ever would. And that, above all, being a seventeen year old boy who had never been kissed was just demeaning, like there was something wrong with him.
It took Kurt a long time to reply after Blaine had finished. Somehow their hands had linked and Kurt's thumb was running softly over the back of Blaine's hand. "There's nothing wrong with you," he said finally. "And more than that, this is something you should never be ashamed of."
"I try not to be but it's hard not to wonder why nobody's ever wanted to kiss me."
"You don't know that," Kurt said. "Just because you haven't been kissed doesn't mean nobody's wanted to, believe me."
There was something to that that Blaine figured he should understand but he was getting too worked up to think into subtle nuances. "Look, I've dealt with it for this long. It's just difficult seeing you coming along and you've experienced so much and then there's always Nick and Jeff and you're all so confident -"
"Not that confident."
Blaine snorted, aware it was rude but not up to apologizing. "Please. You look like you've never doubted yourself in your -"
"When I first came out to my dad, it was awkward," Kurt began quietly and Blaine silenced instantly. "Obviously he still loved me no matter what - still does - but he didn't know how to handle having a gay son. At first he thought it was something that would go away and that upset me more than I thought it would. So I decided to… well, rub it in his face."
Blaine frowned. "What did you do?"
"I went out and found a guy to date." Kurt laughed suddenly. "People call me flamboyant but this guy… well, walking gay comes to mind as the best description. Brought him home for dinner and watched my dad's eyebrows go higher and higher and then walked him out and he -" Kurt closed his eyes. "He kissed me. My first kiss and it was horrible. Practically mauled my lips, obviously thinking I had more experience than I did and when I couldn't reciprocate he laughed in my face and told me to get a few years of practice and then come back to him."
"Oh my god, Kurt…"
"I didn't like him," Kurt explained, his voice dropping. "I barely knew him. But it still hurt. And that's what I have to remember for my first kiss, Blaine. Obviously I've had others and they've all been much better but… it stays with you."
And now Blaine just felt worse because he had been sitting here complaining about not being kissed and Kurt's first kiss was something like that and wow, he was kind of the most selfish person ever. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.
"I didn't say that to make you feel bad," Kurt said gently. "I wanted to show you that you actually have an amazing opportunity. You've never been kissed, Blaine. You didn't get kissed as a teenager when you thought you needed it to make someone like you. You didn't kiss someone in Spin The Bottle - which I admire you for leaving, now that I understand. And now… now you have the opportunity to make that first kiss mean everything. You can offer it to someone who means everything to you, you can share it with them and only them and it can be a gift. And from you, that would be amazing, better than any other kiss anybody's ever given m - them. I mean..."
He was right and Blaine could scarcely dare to believe it but he was right. But more important right now was Kurt's last sentence and the way he was suddenly blushing and looking away and oh.
"Kurt?"
"You don't have to feel the same, obviously. I mean, none of this was said to try and get you to be my boyfriend or anything like that, I honestly care about you as a friend first and I can totally understand if you're not ready for a boyfriend or, again, don't feel the same." Kurt stopped and took a breath. "And I'm rambling," he finished sheepishly.
"Yes."
Kurt blinked at him. "Yes?"
Blaine found his smile growing impossibly wide. "Yes, I want to be your boyfriend. And no," he continued, already seeing the look on Kurt's face, "it's not because I've never had anybody want me before or because I think you'll give me all the firsts I've never experienced. It's because you're amazing and I've never met anybody like you and I've kind of wanted to be your boyfriend since your first week here."
The way their hands were still linked suddenly took on a whole new meaning as Kurt squeezed his lightly and smiled again. "Okay. Boyfriends."
And then Kurt was looking at him intently and before he could stop himself, it was out there.
"Please don't kiss me."
If Kurt was surprised, he didn't show it. "Too soon?"
Blaine nodded. "I - I just need to know that this is going to last. I really care about you -" it's too soon to say love so I won't"- but it's the first time anybody ever has and I just need to be sure."
He glanced up, worried that Kurt would suddenly realize that he didn't need a boyfriend who had no idea what he was doing and go find someone else, but Kurt was still smiling reassuringly at him. "How about this? When you're ready, you kiss me."
"I wouldn't know how -"
"You don't need to know. Trust me on this one, you don't, unless you're planning to try and make out with me the first time our lips meet. And I want this for me as well, Blaine."
That certainly surprised him. "You'd actually prefer me to kiss you first?"
"There's going to be a lot of trust issues," Kurt said bluntly and Blaine winced. "I'm not blaming you or saying it's a bad thing, I'm just putting it out there. When you're at a point where you're comfortable to give me your first kiss - and it'll be more of you giving than me taking this way - then I'll know that you believe this is going to last. And that's what I want more than anything. I want this to last."
Before Blaine could stop himself he was leaning into Kurt, pressing his head into his shoulder because after so long here was someone who got him and wasn't trying to change him except to help him get better. And he was going to give everything he could to trust Kurt for both of their sakes, for the sake of this brand-new relationship that he had been wanting more than anything else.
He actually felt Kurt's chuckle more than he heard it as a pair of arms slipped around his back. "Oh, you're a cuddler."
"Is that bad?" he asked, wrapping his arms around Kurt's waist in return because even if Kurt said it was, Blaine wasn't sure he could bring himself to move. Kurt was comfortable.
"God no," Kurt murmured, pulling him in closer. "I love cuddling."
And if Blaine had hoped for a different word at the end of that sentence, he didn't let on. There was plenty of time for that later, after all.
Blaine's biggest worry had always been that he wouldn't know how to be a boyfriend.
He had seen it, of course. In movies, in books, in his friends, in random people on the street even. But he had never been that himself and he had obsessed over what kinds of things he would say, how he would act, what would have to happen to avoid having a single fight or how to deal with the aftermath.
As it turned out, being Kurt's boyfriend was just as easy as being himself.
They were three weeks in and it was natural to meet Kurt in the hall outside their dorm rooms in the morning, hug him and let their hands slot together as they walked down to breakfast. Their coffee meetings had turned into dates but that was the only thing that had really changed about them - Blaine would still try to pay, Kurt would successfully wave the offer away about ninety percent of the time and they would talk about everything under the sun. And afternoons spending homework together would invariably turn into cuddling on whichever piece of furniture they were using as a desk (except the desk itself because that had never quite worked).
The Warblers had ribbed them at first but that was natural too and soon enough it was apparently as normal to them as seeing Nick and Jeff act like a couple. Blaine knew they were mostly happy that he had finally found someone.
Blaine wasn't planning on letting his someone go any time soon.
There had been struggles, of course. The first time they had gotten close to arguing about something, Blaine had backed off straight away, apologized profusely and then tried to lock himself in the bathroom. On that day he had learned two things; Kurt was an excellent lockpick and Blaine had confrontation issues. They had talked through it, Kurt calm the entire time even though he was sitting on the bathroom floor for close to an hour repeating the same words over and over.
Blaine knew he wasn't broken. He just struggled with a few things like everybody else did and he was lucky enough to have someone as amazing as Kurt to help him through them.
But he hadn't told Kurt how terrified he had been waking up the morning after that party, alone in his room, not even sure whether it had happened or whether he had dreamed it up once again. Getting dressed, hands shaking because he wasn't sure how he was going to handle it if he walked out there and Kurt wasn't his boyfriend. And opening the door to find Kurt standing there with two cups of coffee and a smile that Blaine immediately knew was reserved only for him, saying he thought he'd bring his boyfriend a cup to wake up. Of course Kurt knew he would be worried and had dealt with it in a way that only Kurt would think of doing and Blaine continued to wonder how he had gotten someone so amazing.
And even that thought process was starting to change. Yes, Kurt was still amazing and like something out of Blaine's dreams, but he was also realizing that Kurt had fallen for him too. It wasn't pity or empathy or just for fun, it was Kurt having the same kinds of feelings that Blaine had, Kurt actually wanting him, desiring him, proving that all of those words that had haunted him for so long were wrong.
Blaine was starting to believe it. And more than anything, he was believing that Kurt wasn't going to walk away.
Can I take you out for dinner tonight? - Kurt
He stared down at the text for a long moment then cast a glance over at Kurt who was pretending to listen to Wes across the room.
Afraid not. - Blaine
The hint of disappointment was only there for a second but long enough that Blaine was sure. Then Kurt nodded and typed something back.
Other plans? - Kurt
He knew Kurt was watching him now so kept his face as blank as possible.
Yes. I'm taking you out for dinner. Be ready at six. - Blaine
Blaine didn't even have to look up to know Kurt was smiling.
"That was amazing."
Kurt was hanging on his arm as they left the restaurant and Blaine smiled at him, loving him more by the second. "I'm glad you enjoyed it. I hope it was a good first date."
"But we've been on dates before." Kurt looked confused and Blaine continued to smile, waiting until the penny dropped. "Oh."
"First date I've taken you on."
Kurt's smile had actually never been more beautiful than in that moment. "Perfect first date."
And as much as Blaine just wanted to take that, he couldn't. "But you always talked about that guy and the boardwalk and -"
"That wasn't the first date he had taken me on," Kurt interrupted softly. "Every other first date I've been taken on was something like a movie - impersonal and cliche. The first date you took me on was to a proper restaurant where we could actually spend the whole evening talking, and you did that in homophobic Westerville. And it was you."
"What about me?"
Kurt chuckled quietly. "You mean more to me than any other guy ever has."
Blaine's car was coming up but instead he turned the corner, taking Kurt into an abandoned side alley. The streetlight overhead gave just enough light to illuminate Kurt's face which was filled with confusion. "What are we doing?"
"We are having a private moment so I can tell you two things." He reached out to take Kurt's other hand. "The first is that I trust you, I believe that you're not going to leave me and you truly do care about me and want me."
The delight on Kurt's face was perfect in itself and Blaine only hoped it would stay after his next confession. "I'm just - Blaine, you don't know what this means to me, to hear that. Thank you."
Blaine smiled, releasing Kurt's hands to wrap around his waist instead, needing to be closer. Kurt apparently needed the same as he leaned into Blaine fully, resting his forehead on his shoulder. Leaning in so his lips were brushing against Kurt's ear, Blaine finally whispered the words that had been there for so long, the ones he had only ever dreamed he would be able to say to another person.
"I love you."
And when Kurt's head lifted in surprise, Blaine leaned in and kissed him.
It was worth it. It was worth never having done this before, worth waiting while the rest of his friends progressed to making out, third base, all the way while he hadn't so much as kissed anybody. It was worth keeping himself guarded until the right person could come along and break through those walls. And it was worth Kurt wanting him to be the one to initiate the kiss.
He could give everything to Kurt now, and he would.
Their first kiss was short but nothing could take away from what Blaine was feeling, at least not until Kurt was pressing their foreheads together, his breathing slightly ragged and actually trembling in Blaine's arms and for a horrible moment he thought everything had gone wrong, that it was too much too soon or he had been a horrible kisser and it was actually was one of those things you needed to know.
And then Kurt's eyes opened and the emotion in them was blinding. "I love you too," he whispered and Blaine watched as a tear slipped down his cheek.
"Why are you crying?" he asked softly, somehow knowing it wasn't bad. Kurt squeezed his eyes shut and Blaine wiped the tear from his cheek, leaving his hand there, waiting.
"Because I thought I wouldn't have any firsts left to give you," he finally said. "Obviously there's the big ones but all of this, all of the things that were so precious to you, I had already experienced with other people. But none of them ever told me they loved me."
Blaine's breath caught in his throat because that had been his biggest worry too - even if he had never admitted it to Kurt - that nothing he would give Kurt would compare to what he had already experienced, that his other boyfriends would always be the benchmark that Blaine could never live up to. And now he had given Kurt his first I love you without even realizing and meant it with his whole heart and he had given Kurt something precious of his own.
They were going to work. No matter what it had taken to get there, no matter how many years Blaine had spent alone and wanting, thinking he would never be loved. No matter how many others Kurt had been with in the past, no matter how many experiences he had had with them that could never be had here in Westerville, they were going to work. And Blaine knew that because he loved Kurt with everything he had and with more, more that he would experience in the years to come that Kurt would still be his.
And Kurt loved him too.
Face tsunami.
I actually didn't realize it was this long until I checked the word count just before posting. What is with me and mammoth chapters lately?
MusicalEscape:
"Actually, my lips hurt..."
"Have you tried lip balm? Vaseline? Lip scrub? I hear they might help painful lips. Have you done any of those?" *pulls out phone and frantically searches Google for ideas*
*facepalm* "That's where you kiss me, dummy!" *grabs head and kisses*