Sidney

After speaking with Lady Susan, I left the ball. I couldn't stand to be in that room another minute. I walked down the street until I reached a pub. I sat down and ordered a bottle, then another, and another. I drank alone, wallowing in my own self-pity. I was disgusted with myself. I never stopped to think about where the Campion fortune came from. I was so desperate to save my brother. My only thought was on finding the money. Now I was trapped. There was no way out of this. Charlotte would be so disappointed in me. Charlotte. I closed my eyes and imagined she was already disappointed in me despite where the Campion fortune came from. How would I ever face her again? Thoughts of what was said in the streets of Sanditon and again in the carriage while in London replayed in my head. She was exactly right about everything.

"Sidney, you are a mess," Crowe teased. He sat down at the table next to me and poured himself a drink. "Time to sleep it off."

I rose my head that had somehow fallen to the table and did my best to keep it upright. "I can't sleep. When I sleep, I dream of…" I sighed and dropped my head again. "Then I wake up and realize what I've done."

"I never thought both Babington and Parker would somehow be so fooled by love that their whole world turned upside down."

"That's because you've never been in love," Babington said from behind Crowe taking a seat at the table with us.

"I for one, would never let a woman change me," Crowe said. "I enjoy being the drunk that I am."

"Just wait. It'll happen to you one of these days and you won't know what hit you," Babington said.

"Doubt it."

Their chatter was beginning to get on my nerves. I longed to be left to my own misery.

"What about that Clara Brereton? Weren't you fond of her?" Babington asked.

"Good God, man! Are you mad?" Crowe said. "She is a tainted woman. I'd never be caught dead with the likes of her."

"You were seen with her on your way to London," Babington reminded.

"I simply gave her a ride. That is all. I have not seen nor spoken to her since."

"That is all, is it?" Babington questioned with a chuckle.

"Can you both please pipe down," I shouted. My head was pounding more than usual

"Seriously, Sidney. Go home," Babington said.

I growled and tried to raise my head again. "I don't know if I have a home anymore. Tom and I got in a nasty fight earlier today. Or was it yesterday? I don't even remember."

"You could always go back to Sanditon for a while. I know you are fond of sea bathing," Babington suggested. "Maybe see a particular resident you are fond of."

"She isn't there. She's gone home to her family," I reminded. He didn't even have to say her name for me to know exactly who he was talking about.

"Oh, yes you're right."

I sat up even more and leaned back in the chair, doing my best to hold my head steady. "You seem to forget I'm engaged. I can't possibly be seen spending time with another young lady. Even if she was still in Sanditon."

"You can break the engagement," he suggested.

"What madness do you speak of, Babington?" Crowe questioned.

"It's a new era. Simpler times. Feelings change. Situations change. If a woman can change her mind, why can't a gentleman?"

Crowe laughed at the hypocrisy of what Babington spoke. I, myself thought he was talking insanity. "You have gone mad."

"Even if it was possible, it doesn't change the fact I need the money to save my brother."

"Why is it your duty to save your brother? He got himself in his own quandary. Let him figure it out," Babington said.

"I can't do that. He helped me out many years ago. I owe him."

"You also paid him back and done more for him than any brother should. Your debt is paid. Sanditon isn't your doing."

"He makes a good point, Parker," Crowe added.

As much as I wanted to believe them and do precisely what they suggested, I simply couldn't. I'd never be able to live with myself if I walked away from my brother. Yet, could I live with myself taking a fortune tainted by slavery? Either way I was lost.

"I admire Miss Heywood for being so selfless when she heard of you and Mrs. Campion," Crowe said speaking out of character for a change.

I took yet another drink straight from the bottle. "Could you not speak her name anymore? I'm in enough misery as it is. I don't need to be reminded what I did to her," I fumed. I reached for the bottle again, but Babington stopped me and pulled the bottle out of my reach.

"Come," Babington announced standing to his feet. "We will take you home."

Both of them took an arm and guided me out the door while I protested to stay and finish off the bottle. Eventually I realized I had no strength to fight them off and staggered to the waiting carriage, clumsily crawling in. I imagine I fell asleep momentarily since the next thing I remembered was the two of them dragging me out of the carriage and up the steps to my London home. I vaguely remember seeing sunlight coming over the rooftops.

"Gracious me! What's happened?" Diana said rushing out the door.

"He's fine, Miss Parker. Just a little drunk," Crowe assured. "He needs to sleep it off for a few hours."

I was plopped into a chair, my head falling to the side and my eyes unwilling to stay open any longer. Sleep was overtaking my thoughts. I welcomed sleep at this point, as it was the only time I got to see Charlotte. "My sweet Charlotte." Even if I knew when I woke, I'd hate myself even more than I already did.

~0~

I woke to the feel of Diana fussing over me. "Please, leave me be."

"Sidney, it is a matter of urgency," she said.

I struggled to sit up and open my eyes. "What is it?" Looking around the room I could tell it must be midday. How long had I been asleep?

"It's Miss Lambe," she said.

"What about Miss Lambe? Is she unhappy about something again?"

"No. She never returned last night," Diana said nervously.

"No one has seen her, Sidney," Arthur added. "I've been all over the city looking for her. I don't know where else to look."

I sat up even more and brushed my face with my hands trying to come to. "Have you talked to the driver? Did he take her somewhere?"

"No one knows anything, Sidney. Don't you understand?" Arthur yelled. Arthur was always the calm, light-hearted brother. This was out of character for him. I admit, lately I've neglected all my sibling's feelings, maybe everyone's feelings. I was too hurt to think of anyone else's problems.

"Alright," I said standing to my feet and stumbling a little. "I'll go find her."

"I'll go too," Arthur suggested. "Miss Lambe is a good friend. I'd like to help."

"Arthur, in your state of health you mustn't," Diana fussed.

"I am fine, Diana," he assured in his light-hearted tone I was used to. "I can't rest until I know she's safe."

"I'll help too," Tom offered from the doorway. The last time Tom and I spoke was in a quarrel. I was surprised he offered to help as he didn't do much of anything unless it in some way promoted Sanditon. I suppose this was his peace offering.

"Alright, I'll see if I can track down Mr. Molyneux," I announced. "I imagine she went to see him. Arthur you check the hotels in town. Perhaps she was so upset with me that she chose to stay somewhere else. Tom, if you don't mind, could you send a letter to Sanditon and ask Mary to find out if she showed up there and maybe watch for the coach?" They both nodded and grabbed their jackets.

"What should I do?" Diana asked nervously.

"Stay here and pray she comes back," I said taking my sister's hands in mine with a comforting squeeze. I grabbed my jacket and led the way out of the house.

We all searched throughout the day. I even had Babington and Crowe on the hunt. We all came up empty-handed, though. No one had seen or heard from her since the ball. We had no other ideas on where to look and I was beyond worried.

"Do you suppose…" Arthur began then stopped as we all sat around the drawing room trying to figure out where to look next.

"Spit it out, Arthur," I yelled. "What are you thinking?"

"She talks fondly of Miss Heywood. Would she try to seek her out?"

"In Willingden?" Crowe questioned. "How would she make such a trip?"

I thought on it momentarily before deciding I'd have to go. Whether it was a rational thought or not, I was being pulled to wherever Charlotte was. If nothing else, Charlotte may be able to direct me on the right path like she did the last time Georgiana was missing.

"You'll need to go, Sidney," Tom said. "We will continue to search London."

I didn't take the time to think on it or even try to talk myself out of it. I grabbed my jacket and hat and headed out. Opening the door, I was met with Mrs. Campion and two other acquaintances I was not familiar with. The wretched taste of resentment filled my senses.

"Sidney, perfect timing," Mrs. Campion said. I sighed and stopped in front of her. I couldn't be bothered by her at the moment.

"What is it?" I asked hurriedly.

"We have a dinner party to attend. Don't you remember? Why are you not ready?" she asked looking at the state of the same clothing that I wore the night before.

"I'm not able to accompany you tonight," I said. "Miss Lambe is missing. I must leave for a few days."

"Where, may I ask, are you going?" she asked with a tone of annoyance.

I knew I couldn't tell her where I was going. "It's not important. I must leave." I tried to step around her and walk away, but she grabbed my arm and pulled me back. I sighed heavily and rolled my eyes. I looked away from her dismissively and clenched my teeth.

"Send someone else to look for her," she demanded. "She's just a silly girl playing tricks to get your attention. I wouldn't be surprised if she ran off just to ruin our wedding day. Have you forgotten about our wedding? It's nearly here."

"How could I forget," I said passively.

"She will come back. If you chase after her, you are just giving into her childish games," she said wrapping her arm around mine and steering me back towards the house. "Now, go put on some appropriate attire for our dinner party. We are the guests of honor, after all."

I pulled my arm away from her and looked at her with so much distaste. "I am sorry, but I must go."

"Sidney," she whispered, getting closer to me so others around couldn't hear. "Don't cause a scene. You will be going with me to this dinner party. You don't have a choice. We are to be married and you will attend all engagements I wish to attend. I'm not to be overlooked by a negress you are obligated to look after."

I was getting more upset by the minute. She dismissed Miss Lambe like she didn't even matter. Knowing what I did about the Campion family being involved with slave trade made me realize she only saw Georgiana as another negro who didn't matter. Yet, she did matter to me and my family and friends who continued to look for her. She mattered to Charlotte.

"Mrs. Campion, I may be forced to marry you, but I refuse to be enslaved," I said sternly. "Miss Lambe is in trouble. I must go. Excuse me!"

I walked away as quickly as possible and didn't look back even when she yelled my name. I rushed to the livery and mounted a horse, taking off in the night, headed for Willingden. Headed for Charlotte.

~0~

In case you didn't notice it, when Sidney is brought back to his home by Babs and Crowe he does say "My sweet Charlotte" out loud in front of Diana and anyone else who may have been in the room. This is how I picture Sidney now that he's in misery. In the series it talks about how when Eliza broke their engagement he became a drunk and gambled before he left for the West Indies. This time, he's doing the same exact thing because yet again he lost his love just in a different way. This time is worse, because he's dealing with the guilt of what he did to Charlotte, and also the weight of his family trouble.