Sidney

The hurt I felt after leaving the Heywood home was unbearable. Even with our time apart, seeing Charlotte again made my heart ache to be with her. To be a better man for her. I was just a shell of a man without her. I had no purpose.

I began to head back towards London but thought better of it and decided I didn't belong there any longer. I told myself I needed to be sure Georgiana made it back to Sanditon safely. These roads were dangerous for an inexperienced driver. I stopped at the hilltops and watched as three women boarded the carriage. I assumed the third must be Charlotte's sister Alison she spoke fondly of. Why they were returning to Sanditon, I wondered.

I followed behind the carriage at a safe distance so I wasn't detected but could still ensure they made it safely. I was surprised to see the carriage pull up in front of Lady D's home and the girls get out. I watched from the safety of the trees on the back of my horse as they said goodbye to Georgiana and then turned towards the young man who drove them. A brother perhaps with the way they laughed and hugged him before leaving.

As curious as I was to see what they were doing at Lady Denham's, I couldn't stay there in the trees all night waiting for a glimpse of Charlotte. When I couldn't wait any longer, I followed the carriage the rest of the way into Sanditon and watched from afar that Georgiana was safely back at Mrs. Griffiths. Once she was safe, I walked to the Crowne Hotel and checked into a room. I had a restless night of sleep as thoughts of Charlotte at Lady Denham's betrayed my mind. I finally decided to get up and go for a swim. I found that the cold water refreshed me and cleared my mind. The town was silent when I walked down towards the beach. Not a soul in sight anywhere. The crisp morning air cooled my cheeks and chapped my lips.

It appeared someone had beat me to the cove and was already swimming in the sea. I watched from afar. What was strange about it, was the sight of thin white cloth floating in the water. No man would be in the sea with clothing on.

Charlotte.

I turned my head and hid behind a rock when I saw her peak her head above the water and realized it was her. I felt ashamed for watching her. What on earth was she doing? I couldn't help but take another peek from behind the rock and smiled at the sight of her. The wet material of her shift clung to her body, arousing me in ways I hadn't felt before. I thought about the time she walked up on me in a similar way. I suppose we were even now. I stayed hidden until she was gone, not wanting to reveal myself to her just yet. I didn't want her to think I had followed her, even though that was entirely what I did.

After my own long swim and some food, I walked to the post office. I sent a letter to Arthur letting him know Georgiana was safely back in Sanditon as I felt he cared more than anyone for her safety and would be sure to share the news. I let him know I planned to stay in Sanditon for a time to ensure her safety.

I sent a letter to Crowe also letting him know I was in Sanditon for a time. I asked him to oversee my business affairs in my absence.

The last letter I sent was for Eliza. I tried to find the words to explain how I couldn't marry her. How I couldn't be in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life. How I couldn't be connected to money tainted by slavery as hers was. How sorry I was for taking advantage of her money. How I hoped she could be a decent person and not ruin Georgiana or Charlotte's reputations. If I had to take the fall for it, I would. I could recover from a scandal.

Everything I tried to write came out wrong, though. I fumbled over my words and found nothing seemed to express what I really wanted to say. Instead I kept it simple.

Postpone the wedding.

After leaving the post office, I noticed Charlotte at the building site with her sister speaking to Mr. Robinson. I watched curiously and wondered what they would be talking about. She never seemed to speak to him before. Was this a new friendship? Their conversation seemed intense and revolved around the building site. For a moment, I thought Alison caught me watching them. I quickly ducked into one of the shops to hide myself. A few moments later I watched the two girls walk arm in arm past the shop and towards Mrs. Griffiths. Once again Alison turned and looked directly at me in the shop. She knew I was there but didn't seem to say anything to Charlotte.

I waited outside the shop and watched for them to leave Georgiana. I thought about going to speak with her once they left. Find out what she knew. Find out if they planned to stay for long. I kept trying to tell myself that I was acting like a silly boy following a girl around and tried desperately to walk away and go back to my room. But I couldn't.

When they left Georgiana and headed towards Trafalgar house, I decided to go talk to Mr. Robinson instead of Georgiana.

"Mr. Parker," he said with a shocked tone. "I wasn't aware you were back in town."

"I just arrived yesterday," I explained. "I thought I might come by and see how things are going here."

"Not great, sir. Without the funds, it's all but been abandoned."

"I see." I looked around and climbed over some charred pieces of wood.

"Miss Heywood has some great plans, though."

"Miss Heywood!" I said with a surprised tone.

"Yes. She's overseeing the building projects now at Lady Denham's request."

"You must be mistaken," I said.

"I'm quite right. I just came from Lady Denham's house where we had a meeting then came here to see the project firsthand."

Charlotte would never betray Tom by working against him. What is she up to? What is Lady Denham up to? I still had so many questions and, in a way, felt betrayed. Yet, I still felt a need to help her. Perhaps I was assuming too much and needed to give it time before I judged too harshly.

"What are her plans?" I asked curiously.

"Well first, I need to find some laborers to help me clean up the wreckage. Miss Heywood seems to think we may be able to save most of the buildings with a little cleaning and airing out."

Looking over things myself, she was right.

"I never thought her so capable, you know," Mr. Robinson continued. "Being a woman, she seems to know quite a lot."

I hummed in response and tightened my jaw as well as my fists. I didn't like the way he spoke of her. She was more capable in most things than anyone I'd ever known. "Perhaps I can send a letter to some connections I have in London and ask if they can spare some laborers for your efforts," I offered.

"Most generous, indeed," he said excitedly. "Thank you, sir."

I nodded my head in response and walked back down to the post office to send another letter. I sent this one to Babington asking for him to see what he could do about enquiring some laborers to send to Sanditon. I promised to pay the wages and offered a bonus to anyone who could be here in a day.

After leaving the post office for the second time, I walked over to visit with Georgiana. I had decided not to ask her about Charlotte. I worried it would just make her more upset with me. I needed to mend whatever relationship we had left first.

"What are you doing here?" she asked angrily as I walked into her room.

"I just came to see if you had settled in."

"I'm perfectly well. You don't need to trouble yourself with worry for me."

"You are mistaken, I do worry about you a great deal."

She glared at me but didn't say anything else. I moved across the room and sat down across from her. I stared at the floor for a moment and twisted my hat in my hands before speaking. "I don't pretend to know everything that happened between you and Mrs. Campion. But from what I've been able to piece together, I do need to apologize for my part in your distress. Your safety has been and always will be my top priority. I know my behavior has been neglectful lately. I do hope to do better in the future." She remained silent as I continued to speak. "I am grateful you have chosen to come back here and will spare no expense to make you happy."

"I didn't come here for you," she said. "I came to be close to Charlotte."

I dropped my head feeling the pain just the mention of her name did to me.

"Mr. Parker, I thought I heard you come in," Mrs. Griffiths said from the doorway interrupting our conversation.

I stood and greeted her properly. "Mrs. Griffiths, Miss Lambe will be staying here for a while longer until other arrangements are made." She nodded in understanding. "In the meantime, Georgiana is allowed to come and go as she pleases with either Miss Heywood sister as her companion."

Georgiana stared at me with a shocked expression as did Mrs. Griffiths. "What are you up to, Sidney?" she asked.

"Amends."

~0~

The next day I had received a letter from Eliza practically forbidding me from postponing the wedding and insisted I return to London at once. She reminded me what was at stake if I didn't return. After reading the letter, I crumpled it up and dropped it on the floor. I had no intentions of going back.

I walked over to Trafalgar House in need to talk to someone who might be able to help me make sense of my own traitorous thoughts.

"Sidney!" Mary said with excitement. I smiled in greeting and took her hands in mine. "What on earth are you doing here?"

"I had to ensure Miss Lambe made it back safely," I explained.

"I was so grateful to hear she had been found safe and had returned to Sanditon."

I nodded my head in agreement. "I spoke with her yesterday. She's still quite upset with me. I don't know if that will ever change."

"She is still young, Sidney. Give her time."

"Yes."

"I imagine you plan to return to London today," she said. "We plan to leave tomorrow. We are so looking forward to the wedding."

I dropped my head and sighed. "I don't plan to return."

"Sidney, you must!" she said rather breathless.

"Mary," I began just as the children came bounding down the stairs yelling Uncle Sidney and jumping on me. I greeted them playfully and picked up little Henry into my arms. They giggled with delight as I chased them from one room to the next. They had all grown since the last time I saw them, and even little James was walking and talking now. I played with them for quite some time until Mary insisted they give us time to talk and sent them to the nursery.

Mary had called for tea to be set up in the drawing room, so I followed her in there and sat down pouring myself a cup. She didn't speak at first as if she was waiting for me to explain what I meant.

"I know Tom's situation is still ominous. I do plan to do everything I can to fix this" I explained. "I just can't marry her."

"Sidney, the scandal that will come from it," she warned.

"I haven't called it off entirely. I have sent Eliza a letter asking her to postpone. Until I can fix this, I won't. If a scandal happens, I'll figure a way out of it."

"I imagine the return of a certain young lady here in Sanditon is what has made you come to this conclusion?" she asked.

I sighed and dropped my head again. "I don't pretend to hide my feelings for Charlotte from you. I do believe you saw my affection for her even before I did. But she isn't the reason for my decision. I don't think she would even have me at this point."

"You may be mistaken," she said. "I believe her feelings for you are unchanged." Her statement filled me with joy even if it was futile. "What is it that has changed your mind, if not Charlotte?"

I took a deep breath before explaining my situation. "I discovered some unfavorable information about Mrs. Campion that I can't overlook. Nor can I connect myself to it for the sake of Georgiana."

"Georgiana?" she asked with confusion in her voice. I thought it best to go back to explain better what I meant.

"When I was in Antigua, I became very close to Georgiana's father. He was like a father figure to me when I needed it the most. Georgiana was just a little girl when I first met her. I used to play with her and swing her around like I do my nieces and nephews now. She clung to me like a brother figure and I was happy to oblige. Honestly, I think my connection with her is what helped me to heal my own broken heart at the time. Her own father struggled to accept her and love her as his own and watched how easily I played with her with no sign on contempt. Perhaps he learned just as much from me that I learned from him. He began to pay more attention to Georgiana and spend more time with her, which I could see brightened Georgiana's spirits as it did her mother's. Family was everything to him. There was nothing more important. He considered me family also."

I took a sip from the tea before continuing. I had never spoken to anyone about my past and doing so now I found difficult. But Mary listened contently without any sign of judgement.

"When Georgiana's mother got sick and later died, he blamed himself. He was in a bad state and nothing anyone did brought him out of his misery. The only person that chipped just a little of that pain away was Georgiana. He confided in me that he wished to set his slaves free in an attempt to make amends for all his wrongdoing. He wanted Georgiana to grow up in a world where she had just as many opportunities as the next person and who was he to deny that ability from anyone regardless of their color or station. I followed and dropped out of any business dealings pertaining to slavery as I believed in what he was doing. It was the right thing to do. Of course, not everyone shared his opinion. Many neighbors thought what he did was reckless and feared an uprising of slaves trying to escape to better their situation. There was an uprising of angry neighbors instead and they attacked him, stringing him up like a negro and burning all his properties."

"Gracious!" Mary said with a sadness across her face.

"I didn't learn about this until later. We all sensed something dreadful, but we didn't really know what was coming. How bad it really was. Shortly before the attack he made arrangements for Georgiana to attend a school in London and asked me to accompany her there. If I had known what was going to happen…" I trailed off and dropped my head reliving the painful memories.

"You couldn't have known. You saved Georgiana's life as I imagine she would have perished right next to her father if she had stayed."

"As would I," I smiled thinking of how he saved both Georgiana and I. "Georgiana had no interest in going to London and refused at first. I practically had to drag her to the docks on the day we left. Once we discovered what happened to her father, she resented me for taking her away. I believe she thought she could have somehow saved him if she stayed and will forever blame me for his death."

"Surely she can't hold this against you. It wasn't your doing." I scoffed knowing deep down I too still blamed myself for his death. I could have insisted he come with us. I could have helped him start a new life in London. Instead, I was sent his Will that left everything to Georgiana and a small pension to me for becoming Georgiana's guardian until she was of age and could inherit her fortune. Why he entrusted her safety to me, I still did not quite understand. "No wonder you guard your heart so."

"This is precisely why I cannot connect myself to Mrs. Campion. It has been brought to my attention that her late husband made his fortune by being heavily involved in the slave trade and she has made threats to Georgiana about being sent to the America's as a slave. I have to protect Georgiana for her father's sake. It's my duty."

"I understand," Mary said looking hurt and fearful.

"I will find a way to make this right," I promised. "I won't see Tom in prison and you and the children on the streets."

She shook her head and tried to smile but I could see through her act. "It was wrong of Tom to ask you to fix his problem in such a way. I don't think he even sees past his own needs at the moment. In time, I hope that changes. I will talk to Tom and we will try to find another way. Don't worry about us, Sidney."

Even if I was told not to worry, it's all I did. I feared I had gotten my entire family in even more trouble than we already were.

Notes: Sidney is not in a good place right now. Lots of foreboding and emotions going on inside of him. If any readers have any questions or comments feel free to review. I love to hear what people think and sometimes what is going on inside my own head doesn't always come out as clear while writing. Everyone sees things differently. Thanks for reading.