~~Sidney~~
After I was sure Mr. Fritz had left, I walked back to the ball to ensure Charlotte was alright. I had no intentions of approaching her, I just wanted to see from afar that she wasn't in any distress. I continually hurt her with my presence. I had decided to go back to avoiding her, despite the circumstances. Unfortunately, when I got back, I learned Mr. Crowe had already taken Charlotte and Alison home. I made a plan to track down Crowe and ask him if she was alright.
When I walked down to the hotel to wait for Crowe to return, Eliza was there. I rolled my eyes and turned around to walk away.
"Sidney," she called out into the night. I attempted to keep walking, but somehow, she caught up to me and grabbed my arm. "Stop running away from me!"
I stopped with a sigh. I refused to look at her and made it very clear I was not in the mood to talk to her.
"You do realize what I can do to that girl if you keep up these silly games, don't you?"
My body filled with anger and for the first time I looked at her face. "Actually, I don't think you have any power to do anything of the sort. I'm not so naïve to see what's really happening in front of me. I have it on good authority that you've been ran out of London. Your reputation is tainted. You don't have any power left. All you have is money and you think by threatening me and dangling that fortune in front of me, you'll somehow be able to buy a new reputation."
"Don't be silly, Sidney," she said with a nervous giggle. "I don't want anything to do with London society. Think about what we could have right here in Sanditon? Lady Denham is older and already had one near death experience. Once she's gone, you and I could be the most powerful couple here in Sanditon." She stepped closer to me and tried to look seductive. "If we're married and we spend the fortune I have to save Sanditon, and with your connections, you could potentially be given a title. We would have it all; a title and the fortune. We'd have more power than we know what to do with."
"Is that what you're after? Power?" I asked.
"I'm not after anything," she retracted. She looked down for a moment thinking about her words carefully. "I just want us to be successful, even if it's here in Sanditon."
"Since when do you care about Sanditon?" I asked. She didn't respond. I was sure it had something to do with not being accepted in London any longer. She was on the hunt for a new conquest and what better place than Sanditon where everyone would know she's the richest person in town and she would be more powerful than any other woman here. "I have little interest in titles. I don't need one, nor do I want one."
"You jest! No one would turn up a chance at a title," she laughed.
"I don't want it." I yelled.
"You still don't get it, do you?" she said matching my anger. "I can ruin your entire family. You can't break a promise once it's been made."
"Do what you must to ruin my family. It's not like there's much else that can be done to us that hasn't already been done. We've come out of it unscathed so far, we will find a way to make it right again."
She stared at me in shock then anger crossed her face. "Are you sincerely rejecting me?"
"I've been rejected before. You learn to get over it," I said condescendingly.
The look on her face was a mixture of anger, fear, and sadness. I softened my stance and sighed deeply, trying to show some kindness. As much as I didn't love her anymore, I still cared about her happiness.
"Were you happy in your first marriage?" I asked changing the subject.
"Of course, I was." She blurted trying to force anger to be in the forefront of her emotions.
"Were you really?"
She sighed and stared at me uncertain. "What does happiness have to do with marriage? I married for protection. I grew to respect my husband. He knew what he was getting when we got married."
"A loveless marriage?" I asked. She didn't say anything to dispute my accusation. "Someone once told me, a marriage without mutual love and affection is a sort of slavery. Is that how it felt?"
Her eyes filled with tears as she thought about it. She hesitated to answer, to the point I wasn't sure she would. "I never told anyone how happy I was when I found out he had died. I was so ashamed of myself for thinking something so badly of my husband." she paused again, swallowing hard. "But you're right. It felt like a weight was always holding me down. I hated sleeping next to him every night. I dreamed of you when I did. I refused to have children with him, even though he pleaded for them. Thankfully I had a little mix of herbs to prevent children from happening. I didn't want to be burdened with children. Could you imagine me being a mother?" she laughed light-heartedly like she was trying to push the thought away. At one time I did picture her being a mother. But now the thought was rather preposterous. She cared more about herself than to ever think of someone else, even her own child.
"Think about, Eliza. That's the exact thing you'd be doing to me. I'd always be thinking of another woman. I'd always be dreaming of a different life with someone else. I want the simple family life with someone I love and respect; with someone who loves and respects me in return. A life with children. I haven't wanted any of that for ten years and now it's all I think about. We both want different things. Please don't make me a prisoner by forcing a marriage out of spite."
A sense of understanding crossed her face and she looked hurt but angry. "I do believe we could have all of that plus much more."
I shook my head. "There's nothing you can do to change my mind. If you want to be vindictive, then do it. But please remember I stood back and let you have what you wanted at one time. I could have caused a scene. But I didn't because I cared about your happiness. I wanted the best for you. I still want that today. I want you to be happy in marriage. I want you to have everything you've ever dreamed of. But it won't be with me."
There was a silence that came over us. I tried to convey my wishes the best I could without being harsh; without being hurtful. But I was pretty sure I failed since she cried uncontrollably.
"I'll be leaving for London at once," she said, tears streaming down her face. She quickly passed me and headed back into the hotel. I let out a sharp breath trying to make sense of what she was saying. Was I free? Had she just released me from our engagement? I wanted nothing more than for it to be true.
The sound of a carriage approaching brought me out of my train of thoughts. Crowe exited the carriage and I rushed over to him. "Is she alright?" I asked desperately.
"She's fine. We got her back home and Alison got her to bed."
"She wasn't hurt?" I asked needing more information.
"I don't think so. She didn't speak on the ride to Sanditon House. Alison seemed to think she would be fine."
I let out a sigh of relief. At least she was safe even if she was angry with me.
"Parker," Crowe started then hesitated. His forehead wrinkled and he looked lost in thought. "Never mind."
"What is it!" I demanded.
He patted me on the back and forced a smile. "Nothing you need to trouble yourself with. All is well." He walked past me and headed to the hotel. I watched him leave and questioned what it was he wanted to say. I wasn't about to step foot back in the hotel knowing Eliza may stop me again. Instead, I walked back to Trafalgar House with hope that it was finally over with Eliza.
~0~
In the morning I awoke to a letter that had been slipped under the door. I opened it to find it was from Eliza.
Dear Sidney,
I won't be giving you up so easily. I still think you'll be imploring me to take you back. Your situation with needing money has not changed. I'm returning to my estate to tie up some loose ends, then I'll be back. For now, I'm granting you a postponement of our nuptials. I hope when I return, you'll be in a better mind and understand what we must do.
Eliza
I let out a sigh of relief. It was something at least. All I could hope for is in time she would move on and finally find some happiness. With Eliza out of the picture for now, I needed to find a way to pay the debt. If only Tom hadn't taken off on some damn quest and been here to help himself out of his own binds.
Very rarely did I attend a church service, but I knew Charlotte would be there and I desperately needed to see with my own eyes that she was alright. I got ready and headed across town to find my brother. He was surprised to see me but was grateful for the company and the ride in the carriage, I'm sure.
We walked in and my eyes fell on Charlotte instantly. The minute she saw me, her head turned, and she didn't dare look at me again for the rest of the day. I sat towards the back and watched her during the entire service. She seemed fine, but sometimes I almost swore I saw her shaking in fear. Alison and Georgiana sat on either side of her and would lean into her or take her hand to steady her. I didn't like seeing her so fearful.
After the service, I stood in the yard and talked with Babington and Esther while watching Charlotte from afar. She laughed with Arthur and Alison with ease and then I saw Arthur leave with Charlotte, Alison, and Georgiana. If she was comfortable with Arthur and wasn't afraid to go for a walk with him, she must be doing better.
"Mr. Parker," Lady Denham greeted directly. "I'd like you to come by Sanditon House next week. We have business matters to discuss."
I bowed my understanding. That sudden twist of the knife hit my stomach and I felt ill. She was going to want her money and I had no way to produce it.
For the rest of the day, I went through every paper, every receipt, every transaction, Tom had in his office trying to find a way out of debt. He was in far worse trouble than I thought. Not only did he owe Lady Denham, but he had loans at multiple banks in London that hadn't been paid a dime since the fire. His debt was closer to ninety thousand pounds. My head fell into my hands while my heart raced, and my face flushed. There was no getting out of this. Yet again, I barely slept from the anxiety I felt of the unknown. Was there any way to get Tom out of debt without connecting myself to Eliza, and if so, how? I refused to give up hope.
The next morning, I didn't think Charlotte would want me at the building site, but I had secured plenty of men to join in the fight to get the Waterloo Terrace back up and ready for visitors. There were already Londoners arriving every day in anticipation for the Prince Regent. The hotel was overloaded with patrons. If Mary and the children weren't returning, I'd consider renting out rooms at Trafalgar House to raise some money.
Instead, I spent the day going over my own finances while the maid Arthur hired prepared the house for Mary's return. Mary would appreciate clean bedding on all the beds and all the surfaces dusted. This new maid even made a dinner and a plate of biscuits for their return. The children were going to enjoy the treat.
I was sitting at Tom's desk when I heard the carriage pull up outside late in the day. I walked out with a welcome smile.
"Oh, Sidney," Mary said. "What a welcome site, you are!"
"Mary," I greeted, giving her a hug.
"Uncle Sidney!" Henry shouted.
I laughed and picked him up out of the carriage. "Mama said you'd be here. We missed you."
"Well I missed all of you, too. It's nice to have all of you back home."
"It's been an exhausting trip with four children," Mary said, winded. "I think baby James may have a touch of illness."
"He cried all the way here," Henry whined.
"Henry!" Mary scolded.
He sighed and looked down. "Well he did."
"Everything should be prepared for you. There's even dinner," I explained. "There may be a plate of biscuits, as well." I gave Henry a smile and his eyes grew wild with anticipation. He squirmed out of my arms and ran inside. Mary handed little James off to the nurse to take inside.
"Should I fetch the doctor for little James?" I offered.
"I think a good night's sleep will cure anything troubling him. I don't think the doctor is needed right now," she dismissed.
We walked into the house and Mary looked around in amazement.
"Sidney, who took care of all this? Surely you didn't!"
"No, Arthur hired a maid for his own place and offered to send her over here to take care of the house for your return." As I finished explaining we heard the second carriage pull up in front of the house. Within seconds Diana was bursting through the door fanning herself.
"Oh, I might faint from the humidity!" Diana feigned stepping into the drawing room and plopping onto a chair. Jenny and Alicia giggled as they followed behind her. It did happen to be a warmer day, but it wasn't as bad as she made it sound. She complained of her sciatica and how she was having trouble breathing from the dust the carriage made. I tried to be the supportive brother, but secretly I was rolling my eyes at her dramatics.
Jenny and Alicia stood watching their aunt with muffled giggles. "Girls," I said. "There's biscuits in the dining room. You better go quick before Henry eats all of them." Their breaths hitched as they looked at each other, then took off running for the dining room. Mary laughed and followed behind them.
"Where might my brother, Arthur be?" Diana asked. "Is he well? He hasn't perished in this heat, has he?"
"I believe he's at the building site today helping with the rebuild of Waterloo Terrace," I answered.
The gasp that came out of her mouth was quite theatrical and she nearly bolted from the chair. "You must be joking! Arthur can't be working at a construction site. What if he gets hurt? I must see him at once!" she demanded.
"Arthur is just fine. I doubt he's in any trouble with Miss Heywood in charge."
"Miss Heywood?" she said. "Charlotte is in charge at Waterloo Terrace?"
"Has been since Lady Denham put her in command."
"That's unheard of. She's a woman. Why would she want to be in charge of a building project?"
I chuckled and ducked my head thinking how best to answer. "You clearly don't know Charlotte very well."
"It's just not right for a woman to be surrounded by men all day. How is she managing?"
"She seems to be managing very well," I answered getting a little irritated with how my sister was disrespecting Charlotte.
"And Arthur is there helping?" she asked.
"He is," I answered. "He plans to come by in the morning to see all of you. For now, it might be a good idea to get some rest. All the rooms upstairs have been prepared."
She placed her hand on mine and sighed. "Dear brother, you are a welcome comfort. I think I will go straight to bed."
I offered my arm to help her raise to her feet and to the stairs. Once she was on her way to her room, I let out an exaggerated sigh and rolled my eyes before returning to Tom's office. Mary and the children ate some food and then headed upstairs to retire for the night even though the children all protested saying they weren't tired. I was sure in the morning Mary would fill me in on what she knew of Tom. I hoped she had received word from him and had some idea where he was or when he'd return.
I wasn't expecting any visitors for the rest of the night, but one of Mary's many servants came to let me know there was a guest in the drawing room.
~~Charlotte~~
On Sunday morning, I readied myself for church alone. I wanted to forget about the ball. Forget about what happened with Mr. Fritz and with Sidney. I wanted to forget how embarrassing it was and how humiliated I was. I vowed to never attend another ball for as long as I lived.
Lady Denham and Alison were already in the carriage waiting when I came downstairs and got in with them. I put my hat on in the carriage and sat silently next to Alison. I was thankful neither of them brought up what happened at the ball. If I never had to talk about it again, I'd be happy.
We walked into the crowded church and took our seats next to Lady Denham in the front. More people came in and took seats including Arthur and Sidney. I didn't dare look at either of them. Eliza didn't attend with them. I wondered why. I did see her at the ball looking beautiful and elegant like always. I only saw her for a moment before I left, but I imagine she wasn't happy with Sidney after what he did for me.
Georgiana came in with Mrs. Griffiths and the Beaufort sisters. Instead of sitting by them, Georgiana came over and sat next to us. She took my hands in hers and squeezed them affectionately. I smiled at her and leaned into her side a little for comfort.
Mr. Hankins came in and started his sermon. I never quite understood his analogies, but I listened anyway and did my best to take in his message. After the service, we walked outside and visited with a few people.
"Mr. Hankins never ceases to amaze me with his way of words," Arthur said standing next to me and Alison. We both smiled.
"What did you think of his service?" I asked Alison. This was her first service she had attended of his.
"I'm not sure what to think of it. Was he talking about God or was he talking about fishing?"
Arthur and I both laughed. "Here I thought he was referring to temptation," Arthur said playfully only causing all three of us to laugh more.
"You'll learn not to overthink Mr. Hankins messages," I assured Alison.
"Mr. Parker, I wasn't aware you were back in Sanditon," Dr. Fuchs said. Alison and I nodded our greeting for him. "Still keeping up the exercise, I presume?"
"Of course, doctor. I have been vigorously walking everyday," he answered. The look on his face made me question if he was telling the doctor the truth. "In fact, Miss Heywoods, would you like to join me for a little stroll along the clifftops this afternoon?"
"A stroll?" I questioned with a smile. "I suppose we could."
"Glad to hear it, Mr. Parker," Mr. Fuchs said patting Arthur on the back. Arthur had a pleased expression on his face.
"Should we invite Georgiana?" Alison suggested.
"Yes! Let's," Arthur agreed. Alison went to invite Georgiana while I went and told Lady Denham where we were going.
"A stroll with Arthur Parker?" Lady Denham asked with a sound of distaste in her tone. She turned around and looked him up and down. "Why on earth would he be going on a stroll?"
"Doctor Fuchs has suggested he get exercise and he needs some encouragement," I explained. "He's a kind soul and fun to be around. I could use a good light-hearted afternoon."
She hummed in agreement and shooed us on our way. In what seemed like forever, the sun was actually shining as the four of us walked the clifftops. Alison and Georgiana were running through the grass like little girls. Occasionally they'd pull me with them and force me to play. It was nice to laugh again and be silly with them. Arthur enjoyed laughing at us.
I stopped and caught up with Arthur trying to catch my breath. "Thank you for suggesting we take a stroll with you, Mr. Parker. I think it's just what we all needed."
"I actually wanted to ask you something, Miss Heywood," he said rather seriously, which was odd for Arthur.
"What is it?" I asked, concerned.
"I know you are in charge at the Terrace. My brother kindly asked me to come help tomorrow which I did agree to do."
"That's wonderful. We need all the help we can get," I said.
"Well, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. I'm terribly afraid of heights and I'm not so great with a hammer either. I think I'm allergic to paint since it makes me sneeze. I'm not entirely a strong man, either." I listened and wondered what he was getting at. He kind of sounded like he didn't want to help after all. I couldn't blame him if he backed out. "My point is, could you, perhaps, find me an easier job that won't tire me out too quickly?"
I smiled and tried my best not to laugh. "I'm sure I can think of something," I assured tucking my hand into the crook of his arm while we continued to walk.
"Georgiana, are you planning to come help at the building site?" Alison asked as both of them came and walked with us instead of running about.
"You are joking, right?" she said. "I don't know anything about building. I wouldn't be suited for any help."
"It's not all that hard," I assured. "Plus, you can say you had a hand in building Sanditon."
"No, thank you," she said with a disgusted tone. "I'm not entirely concerned about building Sanditon."
Alison and I shared a smile while we continued on our way. When we got into town, we walked with Arthur back to his home where he introduced us to his new maid. We drank tea and had biscuits with Arthur and visited for the afternoon before we walked Georgiana back to Mrs. Griffiths.
The sun was beginning to set when Alison and I headed back to Sanditon House, so we walked rather fast. We hadn't realized how long we had stayed in town.
"Do you think George is going to be terribly upset with us for not being at his wedding?" Alison asked.
"I think mother and father are going to be more upset. I imagine we will get a letter from them demanding we return."
"You truly think they will?" she questioned.
"I wouldn't be surprised if father ends up coming for us."
"What if we try to find a way to go," Alison suggested. "If we could find someone with a carriage who could accompany us and then rush us right back afterwards. We would only need to stay for the ceremony. I'm sure there's plenty of people who could host the Prince Regent and Lady Susan for an afternoon without us."
"Who would we get a carriage from?" I wondered. "I can't imagine Lady Denham would allow us to use hers. She will want to have it in case she needs to go into town with the Prince Regent or Lady Susan."
"I thought about that," she said. "I wondered if, perhaps, Mr. Crowe would allow us to use his. He was kind enough to give us a ride after the ball."
"Do you think he would?" I asked.
"I don't see how it would hurt to ask."
"I'll let you ask him. He'd probably say yes to you before anyone else," I said with a knowing smile. She smiled back and took my arm in hers while we walked.
"He's not that bad when he isn't drinking," she said.
"Is Lady Denham going to successfully make another match?" I teased.
"I don't know if I'd go that far. I am quite certain we both told each other we were not interested, but..."
"But…" I asked, smiling.
She hesitated a moment before continuing. "But he was so kind helping me find you and then getting us home. I think there's a side of him most people don't get to see."
"I would agree. Mr. Crowe has always been very kind to me," I said.
"He's hiding behind a mask of sorts. I think that's why he drinks. He doesn't want anyone to see him for who he truly is."
"But you plan to find out who he truly is?" I asked.
"I don't know if he'll let me. I'm not going to push him. But he does make me curious."
"I'm sure you'll think of something," I assured.
~0~
In the morning Alison and I put on simple, older dresses for the building site. Lady Denham was in her drawing room entertaining a guest when we came downstairs. She saw us and nodded her approval for us to leave for the day. The carriage was already waiting for us. We boarded and headed into town. As anxious as I was to get back to the building, I was nervous about seeing Sidney again. I still hadn't talked to him about the incident that happened at the ball, nor have I gotten over the fact that he was paying the laborers yet led me to believe it was Tom. I was angry at first and felt betrayed, but as I'd had time to think about it, I remembered what he said when we were at the cove about Tom doing it for the right reasons. Thinking on it, I realized he was saying those words, not Tom. I judged him harshly in my moment of distress when I should have been thanking him. Otherwise, I don't think Mr. Fritz would have been the only one who tried to take advantage. Sidney Parker was only trying to protect me.
When we arrived, there were so many new faces standing around waiting. Some of them I recognized, some I didn't. Many of them were local men who ran the shops or the fisherman who came to Sanditon for the season. I also saw Arthur, Lord Babington, and Mr. Crowe waiting for instruction. I was overwhelmed with how many men wanted to come help.
"Where do you want us, Miss Heywood?" Lord Babington asked as soon as Alison and I got out of the carriage.
"Uh, I'm not sure. What are you capable of doing?" I asked. The normal laborers were already hard at work at their positions. The new men, I didn't know what they could do.
"I'm sure you could list some jobs that need doing and we could all pick one," Mr. Crowe suggested.
"Right," I agreed nervously. "We could use some more painters. I also need some men to split the logs and carry them when they are ready. Could any of you, perhaps, make bricks or know a thing or two about stonemasonry?" They all glanced back and forth between each other with questioning eyes. As much as I knew Mr. Fritz was bad news and had to go, I was filled with worry with finding a new stonemason. We needed his skills. "Never mind that. What about swinging a hammer? Are any of you able to do that?"
"I think we can all make something happen," Lord Babington assured then assessed the group and directed men in different positions I had suggested.
I asked Arthur to stay close to me and take notes or run simple errands. He kept me company most of the day and made me feel better having someone close. After what happened at the ball, I was fearful of everything and everyone.
The only person I hadn't seen all day was Sidney. I had planned to talk to him and apologize for what happened, but he never showed. I wasn't sure why and I didn't dare ask anyone about him.
There was a sudden boisterous laugh from behind me where some of the men stood, causing me to startle and scribble across the paper I was writing on. I started to shake and had to take a couple deep breaths to calm my nerves.
"Is everything alright, Miss Heywood?" Arthur asked from where he stood next to me.
I took another deep breath and tried to smile at him to assure him I was alright. "I'll be fine. I think it's just my nerves. We have so much to do still. How will we ever get it all done?" I said knowing deep down it was more my anxiety of men that had me on edge. I had to get ahold of myself.
"You know what you need, Miss Heywood?" Arthur said. "A drink and some buttered toast. You'll be right as rain after. Or better yet, how about some biscuits? I'll ask my maid to make some. I'll bring in enough for everyone tomorrow. We could all use a little treat after all the work everyone is doing."
"That's very kind of you, Arthur. I'm sure everyone would appreciate the treat."
"Then it's settled," he said nodding his head and snapping his fingers.
I smiled at his joyful expression, which helped calm me tremendously. I knew there was a reason I had given him the position to stay close to me.
"But if biscuits don't help, perhaps you need a good punching bag. My brother Sidney enjoys the strenuous exercise when he's stressed. I never could understand why. Boxing seems as if it brings on a lot of pain. Why would you choose pain for stress when you could eat sweets to fight stress? To each his own, I guess."
I smiled and agreed to his assessments. I'm not sure I needed either, but I definitely needed to figure something out.
At the end of the day, I thanked all the men who came to help for their hard work and generous time. Many of them agreed to be back the next day. We had gotten so much done and I was entirely grateful for all of the extra help.
Alison wished to go visit Georgiana for a bit, but I had other plans. I couldn't exactly tell her about my plans, though. So, I lied and said I needed to run an errand or two and would meet her at Mrs. Griffiths when I was done.
I stood in front of Trafalgar House nervously trying to talk myself into knocking. The book I had borrowed was in my hand ready to be returned. I'd be lying if my principle reason for going was merely to return a book. There was so much still left unsaid. Most importantly, I wanted to apologize for what happened at the ball. I was upset at the time, but I realize if it wasn't for Sidney, I probably would have been hurt far worse.
I was surprised when the butler I was familiar with when I lived there opened the door and showed me to the drawing room. I assumed Sidney was staying there alone and would answer the door himself. I could hand him the book and if I got the courage would continue with an apology. But here I was standing in the house waiting to see Sidney.
"Miss Heywood?" Mr. Parker said when he walked into the room. I turned around to face him and my stomach did a little flip. I hated how my body reacted to him. I had it all planned out what I was going to say when I arrived, but when I opened my mouth nothing came out. "Are you here to see Mary?"
"I… I wasn't aware Mary was here," I said timidly.
"Yes, she and the children just arrived an hour ago. They were all rather tired from the long trip, so they went to rest. I can see if she's available if you want."
"No, I don't want to disturb any of them."
"I'm surprised Arthur didn't tell you they were coming. Didn't you go for a walk with him yesterday?"
"I did, but he was far more concerned about his occupation than to talk about Mary."
"His occupation?" he asked confused.
"Well he's afraid of heights, no good with a hammer, allergic to paint, there may have been something else."
He laughed. "And what position did you end up giving him?"
"He's my administrative assistant," I said. His forehead wrinkled at the title and the corner of his mouth twitched. "Basically, he takes notes for me and delivers messages."
He smiled and nodded his head. "Sounds like a perfect position for my brother."
"He seems to be enjoying it."
There was an awkward silence that filled the room. He stared at me so intently. I used to be able to match his gaze with my own, but now he just made me nervous.
"Tom didn't join Mary and the children?" I asked.
He ducked his head and put his hands behind his back. "No, he uh... he's on a quest to save Sanditon."
"Oh. Well, we all know Sanditon needs to be saved."
"I'm not sure Tom is the right one for the job," he said with a chuckle.
We all need to do our part," I said.
"Some more than others," he added. His meaning was not lost on me. He had done far more than most.
"Which brings me to one of the reasons I came here. I wanted to thank you for asking around and convincing so many local men to come help. We had a great turnout today and were able to get a lot done."
"I'm glad I could be of service," he said rather subdued.
I hesitated before speaking again. My eyes were on his feet. "I was surprised not to see you there today."
"I wasn't sure if you'd want me there," he admitted.
My eyes rose to his and all I could see was the pain in his eyes. "That's another reason why I came. I wanted to apologize for the other night. I was rude when all you were trying to do was help me."
He took a couple steps towards me; our eyes fixated on each other. "You don't need to apologize. I should be apologizing to you. I feel horrible for embarrassing you in front of everyone. I could have handled the situation better."
"On the contrary, you probably saved me a lot of distress. Mr. Fritz was not a gentleman and had an agenda. He made it perfectly clear what he thought of me and had planned. As strong as I try to appear, I'm really nothing more than a weak young woman."
He chuckled and wrinkled his forehead again. "Is that really how you see yourself? You are the epitome of a strong woman. You don't give yourself enough credit for all you've accomplished; all you've proven in such a short time."
His compliments always made me self-conscious. How do I even respond to something like that? I remembered the book in my hand and felt like I needed to change the subject and leave before things got more awkward.
"Anyway," I said. "I wanted to return the book I borrowed also." I placed the book on the table and started to walk away. "I'll leave now."
"Is that really all you came for?" he asked as I walked past him. I stopped in my tracks and turned towards him, now only a couple steps away from him. His head turned towards me and that familiar intense stare was on me.
I sighed and looked away for a moment before turning my body around to face him. "I guess I was hoping to ask a favor also," I said with trepidation.
He smirked like he was amused. "What kind of favor?"
I turned away from him and walked back into the room so not to face him. "I was upset when I found out it was actually you and not Tom who was paying the men. I felt like you didn't trust me enough to do a good job. Like you were belittling me in front of them. But then I remembered when we were at the cove and you said something about paying the men bonuses to respect me and to allow me to be a part of their world. How it was for my protection. At the time I thought all of that was coming from Tom, but now I know it was coming from you." I stopped for a moment and glanced at him just for a second to observe his reaction. He looked confused like he wasn't sure what I was getting at. "What happened at the ball got me thinking about my protection. I'm surrounded by men who at any point could attempt something like Mr. Fritz. I can't alway depend on someone else to protect me and it's not your job to always be the one to step in and rescue me."
"Are you saying you'd rather I stand back and let those men take advantage of you? If you are, I can't do it. I won't," he said forcefully.
I stared out the window with my hands resting on the table in front of me, trying to figure out how to get out what I wanted to say. "I can hunt with the best of men, I can play a man's sport, I can swim in the sea just as well as any man, blood doesn't bother me in the least, I probably know more about architecture than most men at the building site." I turned around to face him again. His face was full of questions. "But I don't know how to throw a punch." There was a moment of understanding that crossed his face, but he didn't speak. I started to second guess myself and think I was asking something silly that I had no right to ask. "I know it's far too much to ask. I imagine Eliza wouldn't approve. Perhaps you could just direct me to someone who could teach me?" I sounded so unsure of myself and really questioned what I had just asked.
He smiled shyly and there was a twinkle to his eyes like he was amused. I couldn't tell if his amusement was because he thought it funny or if he thought it a good idea.
"I wouldn't trust anyone else to teach you the basics of throwing a punch. I'd be happy to teach you some skills."
"I don't want to trouble you," I said.
"It's no trouble at all. And I do agree. You should know how to protect yourself."
I ducked my head again and stared at his feet. "What do I do first?"
He laughed and adjusted his stance. "Perhaps this isn't the greatest place to teach you. Could you meet me in the morning?"
My eyes met his again. "I'm sure I could."
"We both seem to know where the cove is and we won't be bothered there early in the morning."
"That'll do just fine."
"I'll see you in the morning, then." He nodded his head with a smile.
"Goodbye," I said with a curtsy before rushing for the door.
As soon as I was outside, I let out a sigh of relief. Then my stomach did another twist. What had I just done?