My One In A Million
Chapter Twelve:
Hyuuga Hinata was happy.
Happier than she'd ever thought possible; she smiled and hummed to herself whenever her mind wandered, she'd catch herself smiling for no reason when nobody was around, and of course she felt a sudden surge of energy and the strong urge to get things done.
It's been three days already, but this happiness wasn't slowing down or wearing off.
"Stop smiling to yourself without context, that's why people tend to think you're a creep." Hanabi mumbled and accepted the glass of pineapple juice from her sister.
"I'm happy that you're doing okay." Hinata smiled openly and finished arranging some clothes in the drawers, then climbed over the side of the bed to wrap her arms around her. "I love you, Hanabi."
"Yeah you said that already, that's seven times today…" Hanabi was grumpy and moody, but she wasn't angry. She was thankful she was alive at all. "I love you too." She brushed away an irritating stray hair and drank her juice slowly. Her stomach wasn't used to food because of the many months she'd had without solid food. Thankfully, Hinata had the genius idea to give her pudding which worked like a miracle to calm the urge to throw up. It was great because her sister always brought different flavors, so it was like a small, minuscule adventure to try new flavors. "So… Is dad coming today?"
Hinata stopped grinning long enough to answer. "I don't know, they're still busy with the meetings and the papers, I think he will be at the Hokage tower all day. Maybe tonight?"
Hanabi grumbled incoherently then sipped her drink. "Why didn't he just put you back in charge? I mean, sure I'd make an awesome clan leader, but I'm not any good to him dead."
"Don't say that."
"It's the truth." She wriggled her brows playfully; the dark area around her eyes was starting to fade away now that she wasn't on the verge of death. "I was almost gone back there."
"But you're not! You're okay! Now please eat your pudding and think happy thoughts."
Hanabi huffed, suddenly at a loss of words. After a long moment of reflecting back on what she remembered, she asked quietly. "Does he ever tell you anything?"
Hinata brushed back Hanabi's hair lovingly, mentally noting that it had gotten longer but was brittle and thin. "Father never tells me anything, not unless he absolutely has to."
"No, not dad… I mean… Sasuke." She shot her a glance. "Does he um… Does he ever talk about… Things?"
"What do you mean? What things?"
Hanabi shifted uncomfortably. "Well, I sat around soaked in his chakra for so long, I've… Seen a few things. Things I never thought possible…" She waited for a reaction, but as expected, there was none. Her sister was bad at reaching conclusions unless she knew the whole story. "It would have been great if it was just blood and killing, you know; but it's not. The feelings attached to it hurt so much you'd… You'd… I don't know, if I was him I'd never want to feel anything again."
After a quiet moment, Hinata drew her fingers into Hanabi's hair again, gently, like soothing a sleeping cat. "They're not your memories, it is okay to forget them…"
Hanabi put away her glass and actually hugged Hinata tightly, hiding her face because she was too proud to show her tears, but too young to sort out her feelings rationally. "I know he saved my life, I'm- I'm thankful for him, really I am. I even think he's handsome sometimes… When he's not glaring." She sniffled and tried hard to speak through the quiver in her voice; Hinata held her tightly and gave her all the time she needed. "But I didn't ask for this! I didn't want to know him this well! It's- it's disgusting, Hinata, he's hideous! His father died in front of him, he was scared but a big part of him was happy and relieved! I felt it, too, it made me sick! And that Akatsuki member from the Uchiha, his brother, his flesh and blood; he killed him! I felt myself laughing afterwards, laughing so hard that tears were running down my face- his face I don't know which but it was!" She shook for a long moment, and when she regained her composer she spoke again. "Not just his brother, you know, people with Sharingan -his family!- and his teammates, and even a few people he personally handpicked, he wanted to kill them, all of them. The ways he would imagine them being separated from their bodies… it's just awful… Who would spend every minute of every day thinking about death and killing and all that… Hinata did you know." She pushed away to look into her eyes. "Did you know that in there, there wasn't a single happy memory? None, zip, nadda, nothing! He was never happy, not even once! That Jutsu I was trapped in messes with my mind, but no matter how hard I looked, there wasn't a single good thing to hold on to! I wanted to get back, to find my own memories but there were a lot of people to fight and I was tired… And then it just…"
Hinata's eyes were brimming with tears, for many different reasons, but when she spoke she said in a soft voice. "Ne, do you remember that time when you wanted me to convince him to come back to your initiation ceremony so you can confess?"
"Don't rub it in…"
Hinata smiled, "You were very happy then, weren't you? You were young and in love."
Hanabi made a comical face. "Don't say it like that! Ugh I'm gonna throw up! It wasn't love just- just maybe I dunno curiosity? A crush? I don't know what it is but it wasn't love!"
"It was, back then, at least you thought it was. But now it changed." She said softly, patiently. "Maybe he learned things that made him change, too. Maybe a lot of bad things happened to him one after the other, and he forgot what it was like to be happy again."
"Don't defend him, he's just a terrible person, there's no excuse for murdering your family."
Seeing that Hanabi's mood switched to stubbornness, Hinata decided to give her some space. "You should finish your drink. I'll go out for a little, do you want me to get you anything?"
Hanabi huffed and shot her a pleading glance, as if she didn't want to be left alone. "Where are you going?"
"Iruka sensei wanted to see me about that promotion I talked to you about, I'm still not sure if I'll accept being a regular…" After a moment's hesitation, she believed it was safe to say the next phrase, "A- And I want t- to pay him a visit, I haven't seen him since the day you woke up…"
"What? You mean Uchiha? Why?"
"I owe him my gratitude, Hanabi, we all do. You're the one who told me that he talked to you and helped you out of that genjutsu, doesn't that mean he saved you in a sense?" Hinata slipped off the bed and arranged her clothes and rolled down her sleeves.
"Yeah I guess but… I don't need to see him, too, do I? I don't want to…"
Hinata smiled brightly. "I'm sure he'll understand. Anyway, Father put guards on duty to keep him from even coming close to this wing. It's strange, don't you think? Father usually does what's right even if he didn't like it…"
Hanabi picked up her juice and smiled into her drink. "I dunno… Maybe he wasn't thinking straight."
"Maybe." They shared a smile, knowing that their overprotective father was ecstatic about Hanabi's recovery but was never good at showing it in ways that were easier to understand.
When she finally made it to top floor where Sasuke's room was, she noticed it was strangely deserted save a few guards and Anbu stationed here and there. One Anbu even stopped her to advise her from proceeding any further for her own safety.
She told him she would be fine.
Sasuke's room was unguarded, but a masked Anbu stood at the end of the hallway, watching her every move. She knocked on the door as she usually did for the past few weeks, but the answer she received wasn't the usual silence or the nonchalant 'come in'.
"I swear I'll kill every one of you if you open that door!"
Her heart skipped a beat, and her throat was suddenly parched; a startling amount of chakra burst on the other side of the door. Anger, frustration and pent-up anxiety shifted ominously so close to her own chakra that she felt like if she opened the door now, the energy would swarm her like angry hornets. "It's – it's me." She cleared her throat and spoke louder. "It's me, Hinata."
"GO AWAY!"
Surprised, she glanced at the Anbu who shook his head no.
Well if she went away now nothing would change, obviously the patient wasn't getting any treatment because everybody was too scared to go in, and if he wasn't getting any treatment then he's only getting worse. Who knows what happened to him when they hauled his unconscious body back to his bed and shut the door. It was natural for Hanabi to get better because it was a foreign entity that was removed; but Sasuke…?
Oh, if only Tsunade wasn't away. If only Naruto wasn't on a deserted island. Sakura doesn't seem to be on good terms with him, either. There aren't many people who he might listen to in these situations…
With a deep breath and a gulp, she mustered the courage and opened the door before common sense could kick in and convince her to run away.
Behind the door was a complete mess of a room; there was glass every were, from the windows and vase and medical supplies. The walls were charred in some places, as if a fire had caught on the wallpaper but was extinguished before it could eat its way into the foundations. Fabric was shredded in patches on the floor, she couldn't tell if it was curtain material or if the bed sheets were no longer sheets.
There was a boy on the edge of the bed, his back hunched as he breathed hard. The hospital gown was undone at the top and gave a generous view of the fresh scars on his back; on his shoulder blades like someone had stuck exploding seals and let them go off, and several scratches above and below that. As she rounded the bed, carefully stepping over bigger shards of glass and noticeable spots of blood, she found his face twisted in a sneer.
"What do you want?" He hissed, the plaster on his arm was cracked but in place, his other hand held the bed in a death grip. The line from the IV looked like it got ripped out, washing the back of his hand with his own blood, but had long since stopped bleeding. His hair was a mess, the nightstand was missing the usual water container and vase, and the hospital slippers were nowhere to be seen.
"I- I came to see how y- you were doing." Her voice shook, she was genuinely scared, but a part of her believed he wouldn't try to kill her, at least not right away. Hinata had a moment to consider how she might defend herself if he was unstable enough to try anything, thought she could go for his good arm and paralyze it, and if it comes down to it she might end up blowing out his jugular points if he used sheer body volume against her.
She shook herself out of it before it got too detailed, this was exactly what Hanabi was angry about; fantasizing about someone's death.
"Heh." His shoulders jumped at the humorless scoff. "How long has it been, princess, a week? Two weeks? Close the door on your way out."
She noticed the blood dripping down his chin but couldn't tell where it was coming from, his hair was a dirty mess on his face and he wasn't looking at her.
"Three days… J- Just three days a- and I'm sorry I couldn't come before." She opened her mouth to tell him an excuse, there were guards, or her father had prohibited it, or Hanabi needed her… But really, the real reason was that she'd assumed he was as good as new, just like Hanabi, and that he didn't need her around to help him anymore. She could tell he simply tolerated her because she was helpful, she accepted that, but she wasn't about to tell him that. There was nothing she could say that would make the situation any better, not right away. "I'm sorry."
"Whatever, just go, you're annoying."
Hear heart did that thing where it squeezed painfully like someone had put their hand through her ribs and tried to wring all the blood out of her heart; it hadn't happened in a while but with all the excitement that was going on lately it was a surprise it took this long. She waited it out, breathing shallowly and holding the side of the bed as firmly as she could until the pain subsided to a dull ache and then disappeared completely. "I'm sorry."
"You said that already." He snapped, "I hate to repeat myself." His head turned to her slightly, and it was only then that she noticed.
He was still blind.
"S- Sasuke kun… You can't see, can you?"
His mouth shut tight, his jaw tensed.
Hinata carefully shuffled to stand in front of him and asked, "Can I please see?" At first he was frowning and edging away, but when she pushed back clumps of hair he let her angle his head up for her to take a look. "Your right eye is bleeding."
He swallowed down the bubbling rage in his chest long enough to mumble. "Yeah it happens when a massive amount of chakra is shoved back into your system but you can't fight it out so your dojutsu just goes berserk."
Her nervousness came to a screeching halt; he wasn't really angry or murderous, he was just unstable. Hanabi was like that, too.
Of course Hanabi's moodiness could be handled by hugging, crying it out, and eating puddings. But this boy, she had no idea what he needed to sort out his violated feelings.
"I'll get a towel to wash it away, okay?" He didn't say anything; she took it as a yes. She had to pick up a towel that had been flung at the IV stand and stuck there since there were no other towels in the immediate vicinity of this room. "What happened to the room?" she finally asked after squeezing the towel in the sink. "Bad day?"
He scoffed, she couldn't tell if he was amused or upset. "Are you going to badger me about everything now? Last time I checked, you weren't Sakura."
Okay, upset it is… "I'm sorry." And that was the last of it for a while. She dabbed his eye clean to look at, and decided that it was reddened and dry from excessive use of the mangekyou. She found an emergency first-aid box hung on the wall that he wasn't aware of and couldn't reach, then extracted gauze and tape to use over his eye. She was silent, and he was busy using the warm towel to clean his face, slowly the general anxiety in the room's atmosphere went down several notches until it didn't feel like a furnace anymore.
She had done sticking the gauze over his eye when he held her wrist without warning. Birds were chirping outside, sandals shuffled in the hallways above and below them, and the wind coming in through the window tickled the smaller shards on the floor. The sounds and fresh air were pleasant, but the boy in front of her was anything but.
He looked like he was having a stomachache. "Why am I still here?" she didn't have an answer. "Why didn't I just die? Why is it hard to just- kill someone?" His thumb pressed against the fragile veins in her wrist. "You think so, too, don't you? You're wishing you'd let them pull the plug so you don't have to pretend anymore…"
Hinata finally found her voice, albeit a little breathless. "I'm not pretending."
"Then what are you doing here? You're not a nurse, you can't use the excuse of being engaged anymore, we're not friends or teammates or family; so why are you here?"
It's just emotional turmoil, she told herself, he's not really questioning her motives. "We are friends."
"We're not." He hissed, the pressure on her wrist grew. "Nobody is, not me. Why would anyone- It's- uhh ughhh." He held his head as if a splitting headache just hit him and doubled over; his hair grew a few gray hairs almost instantly, black finger-like wings exploded out of his back and then disappeared in a puff of black smoke that writhed like a snake, then it was gone.
So those were the cause of the scars on his back…
"Sasuke kun, please calm down, everything is going to be okay."
"It won't!" He finally snapped, pushing her away from him and in the process losing his grip on the edge of the bed. He stumbled down at her feet, his head knocked against her knees and instinctively his hand held the fabric she wore for stability, to keep the darkness from swallowing him into oblivion. He'd liked the darkness, metaphorically, he'd told Naruto occasionally that he was okay with being lost in it. But to actually live life in complete darkness, without a ray of light… "You're a Hyuuga…" He whispered as if to himself. "One touch from you can kill anyone…"
"S- Sas-"
"No one will care, I'm sure." For the first time since she knew of the existence of Uchiha Sasuke, she heard defeat in his voice. "I'm done. I'm- there's nothing for me here. It's over."
When she opened her mouth to tell him something –anything- she found that all she could do was stop from crying out loud. She stood there with her hands in fists and a boy literally at her feet, begging her to kill him. "A- And Naruto kun?"
"He'll understand." His fingers uncurled from the cuff of her pants. "If he doesn't, we'll sort it out in the next life."
Hinata went down on her knees and hugged him as tight as she possibly could and tried hard not to sob out loud. He was frozen in place, his heart beating fast against her chest. "Why are you crying?" He asked, his breath in her ear. "It doesn't solve anything."
"Because it's okay to cry sometimes, even if it doesn't solve anything." That was all she could say before her throat constricted tightly enough for her voice to disappear.
It felt strange because she was supposed to be the one comforting him, but the way his hand rested on her shoulder made it feel like he was doing the comforting instead. Just when she thought it was beginning to be embarrassing and was convincing herself to push away, he bowed his head and pulled her to him with his good hand to hide his face in her hair, the arm in the sling was awkwardly wedged between them but it didn't stop his shoulders from shaking, or the skin under her palms to rise in pinpricks through the rips in the fabric on his back.
At first it felt like a shy peek through a keyhole, and then suddenly the whole door came crashing down under the weight of the massive tsunami that had been trapped inside.
The proud Uchiha Sasuke finally allowed himself to let go.
She regained her role as the composed one and gently motioned her hand up and down a small spot on his back, even in his moment of complete vulnerability, he was silent and still, probably unaware of how stealthy he'd taught himself to be. Well, the first step was for him to admit that he wasn't okay, letting go completely doesn't have to happen right away, if at all.
Kurenai and Ino had told her about grief counseling sessions they had to attend after the war, the nurses were open to physical affection and encouraged one to let go of courtesy and just do what one must.
Holding him like this felt slightly inappropriate yet familiar. It brought forth a memory that was a few months old, but still as fresh as if it had only been yesterday: She'd had heard that Uchiha Sasuke was hospitalized after the attack of the sound, and he was announced a hopeless case, He was going to be let go in a few days according to a village council's decision. She didn't even know what convinced her to go see him that day; maybe it was because Naruto wasn't around, or because she had a check up in the hospital that same morning anyway… He was said to not respond to any stimulants, the doctors said he didn't even dream, so there was a big chance that even if he woke up he would only be an empty shell. Even knowing that, the urge to visit ate at her. She thought she'd go talk to the sleeping boy one last time just so that…
So that…
There really was no logical reason… She felt like she wanted to go.
He was all alone, his only friend was away and he was going to be leaving this world without ever having someone to spare him as much as a goodbye.
She'd seen enough comrades and family members die in an instant, just keel over after a quick strike to the chest or a gust of razor-sharp wind, without ever having the chance to say any last words or leave a will for their loved ones.
An abrupt departure from this life was painless, sure, but everyone had at least one thing they wanted to take care of before leaving. Regrets, a next of kin, someone they love that they haven't told yet.
It was sad to let someone go like that, mechanically as if they were trees being chopped down without a second glance.
So that day she went to visit the doomed boy, and she talked to him about the weather and about that one time he joined them in a drinking party, how she would have loved to make pasta with him on that one rainy day, but declined because her father wouldn't have allowed it; he didn't move, the machines didn't change their pace and it didn't seem like he heard any of it.
The pillow under him had bothered her, a few hairs had clung to it and it looked rough and lumpy, the nurses did their best to avoid physical contact with him, obviously, god knows how many days had passed before his sheets were changed. So she figured she would roll him over just enough to pull it out and fluff it up before going home.
Just so that she could convince herself that she'd done all she could, even if it's insignificant and even if Naruto never knows, she would do it for herself because it was the right thing to do.
Something about going through a war; one learns that regretting the things that were has done is awful and oftentimes embarrassing, but regretting something that should have been done is bitter and permanent.
Putting her plan into action to fluff up his pillow, though, meant she had to be sitting over the edge of the bed and pulling him up against her shoulder. The pillow had gone askew and had somehow lodged itself under his shoulder blade –it was a big pillow- maybe whoever was in charge of his welfare wasn't very careful about the details.
They never thought he'd wake up, definitely, and so never bothered to make sure he was comfortable.
It was sad, even if she barely knew who he really was, being neglected like a piece of furniture was heartbreaking.
She had just finished dusting the pillow as best she could with him literally in her arms when the sensation of his quiet breath against her neck sent shivers up her spine and heat in her face, even as she worked fast to fluff the pillow in hopes of putting him back where he belonged as soon as possible, a damp drop found its way to her blouse. She didn't have time to worry about what kind of bodily fluid it had been because she glanced down when she noticed that his chest had been expanding and contracting out of rhythm, he had also started shivering.
A quiet gasp that wasn't hers caused her to instantly drop the pillow and carefully push away far enough to look at the boy's face.
It was very slight, but his brows were drawn together in an expression of anguish, his lashes damp with a tear.
Dreamless and unresponsive Uchiha Sasuke was crying, as if somewhere in his heart he knew this would be the last time he ever felt another person's warmth.
That day she found herself swearing that she wouldn't let him be handled as anything less than a human. And today she found herself reminded that even if he had the strength to tear down a whole room while blind and strapped in gauze, the temperament to frighten a whole ward of doctors and patients, and keep a whole country anxious for the day he left, he was only human.
Her tears have subsided after the initial urge to protect him ebbed away, but the boy was still in pieces in her arms. It almost frightened her how much he'd held back and was too scared to ask how long he'd been bottling it all up. All she could do was gently pat his back and listen to his quiet gasps.
Hanabi had said he was disgusting, hideous, a murderer; but maybe there were parts of him Hanabi couldn't see. Parts that remained locked in his heart -ambitions or trauma, maybe even happiness- that were so personal and intimate that he couldn't shake loose even by giving away everything.
Slowly but with effort, he calmed down long enough for his breath to even out and for him to persistently wipe away at the tears. He pushed away carefully and furrowed his brows at her. "I can… I can see some bright-" He croaked, his visible eye rimmed in red but focused on her face. "Ugh, it's gone."
She stopped him from rubbing it raw and pushed away the tangled hair. "It will be okay, you just need to rest." A quick glance around told her no rest would be taken in this messy room. "Do you… m- maybe want to go to another room?"
He nodded, aware of what he'd done to the place but showing no clear signs of what he thought of it. He held her arm tightly on that short trip to the next room, he'd purposefully neglected to mention that he had caused enough noise and chakra disruption to chase out all the in patients and their doctors. He didn't want to talk about how everything and everyone got on his nerves, he couldn't help it, every sound they made or visitor they welcomed annoyed his hyperactive senses. In hindsight, he thought it was a good idea.
"Smells like hospital." He murmured when the door shut behind them in the new room.
"I'll bring flowers later if that's okay…" She took him to the bed and pulled the sheets over to his knees. "Is- Is it okay if- If I come later?"
He held her arm for a moment longer than necessary before letting it fall to his lap, his mouth opened to say something but all the things he wanted to say battled for too long and in the end he decided not to say anything at all.
Eventually, he turned to his side and pretended to go to sleep. He listened to her shuffle around the room to close the curtains, turn off the lights and slide the door open.
"Hyuuga."
She stopped to look at him. "Y- Yes?"
"Don't… Don't tell anyone…" He said slowly without turning.
"Tell them what?"
He didn't have to see her to know that she understood.