Yeah all the things that you are
Beautifully broken,
Draco rubbed his exhausted eyes, peering at the work schedule on the wall. He was off for the next day and a half. Thank Merlin. He had been working nearly steady for the past few days, and he hated leaving Luna alone. He knew she didn't mind it. She liked being alone, liked having the house to herself as she sang and helped her father research things for The Quibbler.
He has never liked her being alone. He's always paranoid that something bad would happen to her while he'd been out. Nothing has happened, of course, but the further Luna got into her pregnancy, the more he worried about her. Today, he felt slightly comforted by the fact that she wasn't alone. She had gone to Ginny and Harry's to have lunch with Ginny and then they were going out to look for a crib.
Draco was glad Luna had Ginny to crib-shop with. Though it felt wrong to admit it, he found the whole idea of shopping for the baby tedious, especially since they had yet to learn the gender. That appointment, however, was next week and Draco found himself becoming increasingly jittery as that date approached. Once they knew the gender, they could begin to talk about names; they could paint the room and buy the clothes. Once they knew the gender, it all became that much more real, and Draco was nervous enough as it was.
He left the work schedule, heading into the locker area. He quickly changed from his Healer scrubs into his normal clothes. He dug the heel of his hand into his eyes, trying to make himself stay alert long enough to floo home. He was more than ready for a well-deserved nap in his bed.
He left the locker area, making a beeline for the fireplace.
"DRACO! DRACO!"
He stopped in his tracks as an accented voice called out his name. Jean was running down the hallways at full steam, his white lab coat bellowing out around him as though he were some sort of giant bird. In his sleepy state, Draco found the entire scene amusing.
"Draco," the Frenchman panted. "You must go upstairs."
"Upstairs?" Draco repeated. "I'm going home. My shift just ended."
Jean shook his head; Draco didn't understand him. "Not to work. Luna was just brought in."
"WHAT!?" Draco shouted. His exhaustion forgotten, he shoved Jean between the shoulder blades, getting the man moving again.
Jean led Draco to where a team of Healers were hovering over Luna. He knew better than to barge into the room; he knew that leaving them to their work was her best chance but it was so hard to restrain himself at the door. He wanted to rush to her side, brush a hand through her golden hair, and watch her beautiful eyes open, showing that she was all right.
"Draco." He spun at his name. Ginny Weasley was sitting in the hallway, knees drawn up to her chest.
"What happened?" He demanded gruffly. He was more thankful than ever that Luna had gone out today – hadn't been home alone to suffer by herself.
"I don't know," tears were streaking down Ginny's freckled cheeks. "We were just getting ready to go out shopping – she was putting her coat on – and then she, I don't know, fell? She was on the ground and I couldn't get her to answer me. I apparated us both here and then they took over." She gestured to the Healers.
"She just collapsed?" Draco repeated, trying to make sense of what happened.
Ginny nodded. "I wasn't watching but I heard this noise and she was just lying there." Ginny buried her face in her hands and wailed.
Draco didn't know what to say; didn't know how to comfort her. He stood in the doorway of Luna's room, watching his colleagues' hands become heavy with Luna's blood.
Alive in my heart
And know
Draco sat by her bed, cradling Luna's hand in his. Her beautiful eyes wouldn't look at him, wouldn't look anywhere but out the window.
"I want my baby," she said again.
"I know," he smoothed back the pale of her hair, swallowing the lump in his throat. He wanted their baby too. But their baby was lost; their son was lost. He went to say more but his words failed him. He didn't know what to say to that could bring her comfort. He didn't think anything he could say would bring her comfort.
"Why us?" Luna whispered but it was so low that Draco knew she was talking to herself. "What did we do to deserve this?" A sob wracked her tiny body.
Draco's heart wrenched at her pain. He crawled into the small bed next to her, bringing her into his arms. She turned into his warmth, wrapping herself around him tightly. He held her back, letting her cry into his shoulder. He rubbed his hand up and down her back, showing her that he was here, he would be all that she needed to get through this.
He put his lips to her ear, "do you want to go home?"
She had been cleared by the Healers to leave but he didn't know if she wanted to go home; if she would be able to walk past the room where she had begun to hoard things for their unborn child. He knew she would have to face it – they both would – he didn't want to push her into anything she wasn't ready for. But he also thought that she would be more comfortable at home, somewhere that she knew and loved.
Luna's golden head nodded against his chest. Draco pulled away from her for the briefest of moments before bringing her back to his chest. He had her cradled, bridal style, in his arms. He nodded to Luna's assigned Healer and bid the woman goodbye. He made his way down the Floo networks, getting Jean to throw the powder into the fire for them. He whispered their address and, in a moment, was stepping out of their own fireplace in their living room.
Luna moaned from his lurching steps as he walked to their bedroom, not caring that he was leaving dust all over their polished floor. He swept past the door that would have become their nursery quickly, hoping that she wouldn't notice. Draco slipped into their own bedroom, laying her gently between the sheets. He drew the blanket up over her, tucking her in.
He bent and kissed her warm forehead. "Anything I can get for you, love?" He asked huskily.
Her eyes looked oddly dull. She reached up and toyed with one of his dress shirt buttons. "Tea?" She asked, fingernails still clicking against his button.
Draco took her hand away from his shirt, kissing every pale knuckle. "Tea; I can do tea."
He was reluctant to release her and go downstairs to make said tea. He took another long moment to linger by her side, kissing each cheek, before he finally drew himself away. He padded down the steps, bringing out his wand as he did so. He cleaned up the ash from the fireplace as he went, knowing how much Luna loved keeping the house clean.
He waved his wand, releasing an incantation that set the tea to boil. As the objects whizzed about on their own preparing Luna's hot drink, Draco sunk onto the counter, holding his head in his hands. This morning everything had been perfect; he had been finishing up a long day at work, his beautiful wife was off enjoying time with her friends, their baby was healthy and perfect.
Except their baby hadn't been healthy and perfect. Their baby, their son, had already been gone – neither of them had known it yet – but he had already stopped kicking. It was heartbreaking to think about. He flashed back to yesterday afternoon when he had been leaving for his long shift. He had kissed Luna before dropping before her rounding belly, whispering words to their child – words everyone swore the baby could already hear. Had the baby been gone then? Had the baby left as Draco's hands fell onto Luna's flesh, offering loving words to the life inside of her?
He tried shaking his head of such thoughts. He looked toward the stairs, where he thought he heard a noise. What could Luna possibly be feeling? One minute she had a life inside of her and the next that life was gone; it was unimaginable to Draco.
He lifted her tea, taking a deep breath. He ascended the stairs once again, making a beeline for their room. Yet, when he arrived, Luna wasn't there. He doubled back down the hall, knowing immediately where she had gone. The door to the nursery was open a crack and Draco gently pushed it open.
Luna didn't react to his entrance. She was seated in the rocking chair they had brought from her father's – the one that her own mother had in Luna's nursery. She was gently rocking back and forth, eyes locked on the blue sky visible through the window. Draco set her tea down at the edge of the door. The room was mostly empty; a few stuffed toys and clothes were in the closet and prospective paint colours were taped to the walls but other than that, the rocking chair was the only thing.
Draco knelt before Luna, placing his hands on her knees to steady her. Her entire body was trembling.
"It's not fair," she breathed, tears streaming down her cheeks, "I want our baby."
Draco wrapped his arms around her waist, crying with her.
That you are everything
Let your heart sing and tonight
Draco wrapped an arm around Luna's shoulders, keeping her upright. She watched, nearly expressionless, as the impossibly tiny casket was lowered into the ground. She let out a tiny whimper as the first handfuls of dirt fell into the grave and Draco brought her closer, if that was at all possible. He felt a nudge on his ribs as Ginny Weasley, on Luna's other side, put an arm around her friend's waist, trying to show support.
The small crowd stood in silence, eyes locked on the patch of disturbed dirt, the highly polished gravestone that signified a life that had not been allowed to begin. They thought of the tiny baby, not yet completely formed, stolen away from its reeling mother and father. They thought of the possibilities, of who the little boy could have been. The little boy who, with parents like Luna and Draco, could have become anything, anyone, at all. The little boy about whom only one thing was certain; he would have been blond.
Draco was the first to draw a shaking breath; the first to divert his eyes away from the carefully chosen plot underneath the oak tree. He burrowed his face in his wife's hair, unable to look any longer about the boldly carved name – the one their son had never gotten to hear. Lysander.
One by one people began to take their own breaths, divert their own eyes. Slowly people began to trickle by him and Luna, offering sincere condolences, giving only words because they knew nothing could help – nothing they could say and nothing they could do. Nothing could return the dead; nothing could make Lysander take a first breath.
He watched Granger and Ronald approach. Granger hugged Luna and even looked him in the eye to say she was sorry. Ronald managed an uncomfortable apology for what had happened to them.
Xenophilius and his parents came forward at the same time, saying they would meet the young couple back at their home, whenever they felt it time to return.
Draco squeezed his mother's hand, thanking her for all she had done. Narcissa had practically moved in with he and Luna, offering the support to Luna that a mother would have given during this time.
It wasn't until Potter drew Draco aside that Draco felt his first emotion other than sorrow since his baby had died; surprise.
"I know we're not exactly on good terms, Draco – though I think that could change -, I wanted to tell you I'm sorry for what's happened to you and Luna. Neither of you deserved it nor Lysander either. I know it's probably been said before but things happen, and as heart wrenching as it is, you can't change death." Something in Potter's face changed. "I know we've all wanted to reverse a few things in all of our lifetimes."
Draco flashed back to the war, to all of the painful things Potter must have experienced throughout his life. He knew Potter understood pain, knew how it felt to ache to your core and not be able to do anything about it. It was this understanding of Potter that led Draco to reveal something he hadn't even uttered to Luna.
"Do you think it was my fault?" Draco couldn't bring himself to meet Potter's eyes. "Some divine justice for being a Death Eater?"
He watched Potter's dark locks shake. The other man reached out, placing an arm on Draco's shoulder. "The universe doesn't work like that."
Draco swallowed and tried to believe him.
I don't own anything recognizable. The song is All That You Are by Goo Goo Dolls. Thanks to my beta: Noble6.
~TLL~