Standing Still - Chapter Eight
It's been three days since the accident and still my Ana sleeps. The sedation was lessened and eventually stopped but Ana remains unconscious, the only change being that her breathing tube was removed today.
I've been home twice in that time and spent several hours with my children. Phoebe is just eight months old and it breaks my heart every time she calls for Mama. It's the only word she can say so we all hear it repeatedly throughout each day.
Ana was desperate for Phoebe to learn her name first after our son's first word was Dada. Ana made a point of saying 'Mama' so often that eventually it stuck and she was so happy I didn't dare spoil it by pointing out she had somewhat skewed the odds.
Teddy's been a bit of a handful and thrown a tantrum everyday since the accident. He's at that age apparently and my mother assures me he will grow out of it but at three years and two months he really should have passed the terrible twos by now.
Yesterday I got so cross with his that I lost it and shouted so loudly that I made him jump. He cried for Ana for over an hour and I hated myself for scaring my son.
My parents have been great and are spending a lot of time with the children so I can stay at the hospital for longer. Elliot and Kate have also helped but with little Ava to contend with their time is in demand.
Carla finally contacted me two days after the accident to explain her absence. She walked out on my wife and Ray when Ana was in her early teens and they don't have much contact. I think the last time we saw her was at our wedding and since then she emigrated to Italy with her new husband.
Not surprising Carla told me she couldn't come over to Seattle right now and then spent the rest of the conversation trying to justify that decision. I don't care myself but I know how much seeing Carla would mean to Ana, that is if she ever wakes up.
My sister Mia was also away but speaking with her was another story completely. She said she was coming home immediately and the very next day she turned up at the hospital. Ethan her boyfriend was with her and I quickly realised they had come straight from the airport. I'm lucky I have such a loving family and people willing to stop anything to help me and Ana.
I'm just coming through the door of our house when I hear an almighty crash followed by loud voices and a baby crying. Rushing inside I run towards the commotion to find my son has just smashed a window in the French doors. There's glass everywhere and he's standing looking at what he's done quietly sobbing.
The noise must have scared Phoebe because she's screaming in Gail's arms while I try to extricate Teddy away from the broken glass.
"Is he hurt," asks Gail nervously.
I sit him on the kitchen table and run my hands over his body looking for any blood. The shock has passed and now he's screaming just as loudly as his baby sister.
"Teddy it's okay let me look at you," I ask but he's struggling to get away from me.
My head is pounding from the noise both my children are making and quickly my patience runs out.
"STOP," I shout and Teddy stares at me meekly while Phoebe chokes on a sob.
For three seconds peace falls on my household and then they just start back up only louder. Gail takes Phoebe into the kitchen and soon manages to pacify her with her binky but Teddy doesn't seem able to calm down.
Picking him up I rock him in my arms but try as I might nothing seems to work.
"I want Momma," he sobs rubbing his snotty nose on my shirt.
"Mommy's not well sweetheart, Daddy will just have to do."
"No, not Daddy. Momma, Momma, MOMMY" he screams.
Oh God I can't even soothe my son, everything's falling apart without Ana. Gail comes back and switches the children so I'm now holding my baby girl.
Her little face is all blotchy but at least she's stopped crying. I watch Gail holding my little boy and after rocking him for a few minutes he quiets and eventually falls asleep.
"Thank you," I offer reluctantly, but deep down all I feel is failure.
Gail takes him to put him to bed and I take Phoebe into the living room and away from all the glass. I play with her for a while then give Phoebe her bottle. She sucks contentedly on my knee and I rest my face against her soft hair.
She's so beautiful and Ana's double in more ways than one. Phoebe is so calm and patient and the most easy going baby alive just like her mother. While Teddy is stubborn, a bit controlling and sometimes displays a really bad temper like me. Hopefully though Ted will outgrow my bad attributes and gain some of his mothers good ones.
After her bottle I take Phoebe to her bedroom and lay her down for bed. She watches me intently then whimpers the moment I leave the room. Rushing back I sit down in the rocking chair and wait for Phoebe to fall asleep, not wanted to see her upset again.
In time she falls silent so on tip toes I sneak from the room. I then enter Teddy's bedroom to find him sleeping peacefully his little hands holding tight to stuffed monkey.
Smiling wistfully I tuck his blanket more securely around him and gently kiss his forehead.
"Goodnight sweetheart, Daddy's so sorry he was cross with you."
I look one more time at my mini me then walk out into the hallway. staring out the window I see the darkness descending and sudden fear overwhelms me. I don't think I can do this, I'm just not a good father anymore.