Standing Still - Twenty-two
Ana's been chomping at the bit to see Sawyer especially now that he's awake but so far I haven't allowed it. I want to take her to see him and I'm almost as anxious as Ana to see how Sawyer's doing but Ana hasn't been too well of late and I'm afraid she's just not up to the visit.
I've been spending most of my time of late with our children and the occasional trip to the office. Ana tries to play with the children but she's almost always exhausted and has little energy to spare after her physical therapy.
Her days are filled with therapy and dialysis and the rest she spends mostly asleep, she's always so tired these days. My Mom said it's normal and certainly dialysis causes fatigue but I miss my wife and I know she misses me and the children.
Today I'm returning from a brief trip to the office to check on Ana. Holly called to say she's leaving early as Ana's just not up to her normal workout today.
On entering the house it's unusually quiet for 11.00am so I wonder towards the kitchen to find out where everyone is. I spot Gail pulling some cookies from the oven and ask her what's going on.
"They smell nice Gail, where is everyone," I ask.
"Oh Mr Grey, you sneaked up on me again," she says startled.
"Sorry."
"Phoebe's having a nap and your brother and Kate just left with Teddy. Seems they have the day off and thought Teddy would enjoy the Aquarium they are taking Ava to."
"That was nice of them, he'll love it."
"Yes, he was thrilled and with Ana not feeling too well it's good for him not to be here today."
"Ana's not well?" I ask thinking back to how she was feeling when I left this morning.
"Poor thing is exhausted, Holly just left but I don't think they did much today. Carol was sitting with her when I brought them some tea not ten minutes ago. I started making the cookies in the hope it would cheer her up some."
"Ana's unhappy," I ask equally surprised.
"Discouraged, I think she thinks she should have worked harder today. She's not well enough for that and I told her but she's still so disappointed with herself."
"I'll go up and see her," I say then dash towards the staircase.
On entering our bedroom I find the curtains pulled closed and the room semi dark due to the bright sunshine outside. Carol is sitting by the window struggling to read and Ana is fast asleep in our bed.
"Take a break," I tell Carol as I walk closer to the bed.
Carol gets up from her chair and walks towards the door. I watch her leave then gently sit down on the bed and sink down beside my wife. She really does look exhausted and a lot paler then when I left her.
I hate these days when I feel so useless, sinking further down I pull her small body into my open arms and sigh. Holding tight my mind wanders and eventually without meaning to I fall asleep.
I wake to the sound of a baby crying and at first I can't comprehend where the noise is coming from. I live alone just me and my many staff, I certainly don't have a baby. Then realisation sinks in as I wake up further and feel Ana's warm body in my arms. I smile to myself as all my memories come flooding back and the knowledge that I am blessed to have a loving wife and two beautiful children.
Sadly in the dawn of my recollections I also remember what's happened in the last few months and what happened to my Ana. I hate that feeling when everything comes back but I can't help but enjoy those first fleeting moments when I get to forget and just believe that we are like any normal family. But seeing Ana so pale I see everything so plainly as I get up to fetch my daughter.
I open her bedroom door and see Gail gently bouncing my baby on her hip. Phoebe is holding onto Gail tightly as her sobs decrease her tiny fist rubbing at her eyes sleepily.
"Mama, mama," she's saying softly and I'm hit with a painful realisation.
For months Gail has waited on my baby girl and soothed away her tears. She's fed her and bathed her, dressed her and played with her. Does Phoebe think Gail is now her mother, has she forgotten who truly holds that position.
As upsetting as it is to hear her call Gail Mama I'm more concerned at how Ana would feel if she knew what I know. She's missed so much time with the children, it would kill her to think she's been replaced in Phoebe's mind.
Gail looks up and seeing something in my face that I can only feel she asks what's wrong.
"Is everything alright, is Ana okay," she asks sympathetically.
"Ana's still sleeping, can I take her," I ask.
"Of course," Gail replies handing me my baby girl.
"Hey sweetheart did you have a good nap," I ask softly.
"Mama, mama," says Phoebe staring up into my eyes.
I smile, suddenly comforted when she calls me Mama too. Perhaps I'm just being overly dramatic, my baby girl certainly thinks we're all her Mama.
I rock her then gently squeeze her against me, she's so like her mother it's unreal.
"That's Dada," says Gail smiling.
"Mama," says Phoebe and I've never been so happy to be called by the wrong name.
Gail's POV
Mr Grey has been gone for awhile when I hear Miss Phoebe's cry over the baby monitor. It's almost 1.00pm and no doubt she's hungry for her lunch, she's slept too long and I can hear she's cranky.
"Mama," she calls as I walk into the nursery.
Reaching down and picking her up she snuggles into my arms, clinging to me.
"Hey baby girl are you hungry," I coo.
She's such a precious baby and like her mother in so many ways. I've grown so attached to her that I feel closer to her than just a housekeeper/nanny. I feel so close to Ana that the children feel almost like my grandbabies, although having no children of my own I can only guess at what that might feel like.
Hearing Phoebe call me Mama though makes me sad all the same because I'm not Ana and I would never what to take her place. I look up and see Mr Grey and his face is so consumed with grief I suddenly fear something is wrong with Ana. I hand him the baby and together we smile as Phoebe calls her father 'Mama' too.
I leave Mr Grey and Phoebe and decide to make a start on lunch. I'm running a bit behind today, my own fault for starting a baking project before all my other tasks were done. Still Ana comes first in my mind and if my cookies manage to make her smile even for a second it will be worth it.
After lunch I finish off some housework while Mr Grey keeps Phoebe entertained. I can hear her laughter all the way to the utility room where I'm busy with the laundry.
Once my load has finished I fold the towels then make a start on the children's ironing. Little shirts and t-shits and several of Teddy's pants are now airing and finishing up I fold away the ironing board.
Stepping into the family room I notice it's quiet so I assume Phoebe is now down for her afternoon nap.
I decide to bring Ana her cookies thinking she might now be awake. I set up a tray and boil the kettle so I can bring her some tea as well. I have to be careful as she's limited to the amount of fluid she can consume because of her dialysis.
Carrying up the trap I lightly knock on the door and wait for an answer. Carol opens the door and smiles in way of greeting. Ana's sitting up in bed and holding Phoebe in her arms, she looks up and smiles too.
"Hey," I whisper not wanting to wake Phoebe.
"Hi," she replies.
"I though you might be hungry since you missed lunch."
She smiles at the cookies then looks back down at the little girl asleep in her arms.
"I can take her to bed if you'd like," I offer.
"No please let her stay," asks Ana.
I help lay the baby on the bed and together we wrap her up in the comforter. She seems happy here, her little cheeks flushed from her mothers warmth.
Ana starts on the cookies and I help to pour the tea. I brought extra cups so all three of us can join in. I wonder briefly where Mr Grey is when he suddenly appears at the door.
"Ladies only," he enquires smirking.
"I'm sure we can make an exception," says Ana.
I pour him some tea and he sits down beside Ana. We chat for a bit then I clear away our cups and start to make a move with the tray.
"Thank you for the cookies Gail," says Ana happily.
"It's my pleasure, do you want to try for a sandwich," I ask hopefully.
"Maybe later," says Ana causing Mr Grey to scowl.
"You should eat something else," he tells her.
"I'm full, later," Ana explains closing her eyes.
I fear she's getting tired again and I only hope Mr Grey will let this go. I know how much he worries when Ana's doesn't eat but she ate two cookies so at least she had something.
I watch him smile and nod his head in understanding so I leave them alone. It's hard for everyone when Ana has a bad day but for some reason it seems the hardest on Christian. Maybe tomorrow Ana will have more energy but for now I can just hope she gets more rest and that Mr Grey manages to keep it together.