Standing Still - Thirty-six
Christian's POV
I'm visiting with Ana the day before her surgery and I'm worried sick about her especially since she's been so distant this week. Her health seems to deteriorate daily and I'm scared that her body is too fragile to recover from the transplant.
She's exhausted all the time and far too weak to leave her bed and she's on oxygen to help with her shortness of breath. Added to that she's barely eaten for days and she struggles to keep water down. She's being fed through a nasal feeding tube and with the addition of the oxygen cannula I can barley see her face beneath all the wires.
The children were here earlier but they don't understand what's happening to their mother and they struggle when Ana is so tired she can barley string words together.
I watched her sleep for hours once the children left, all the time repeating over and over in my head, "Please be okay, please be okay".
Sometimes I feel that fight or flight extinct take over and I all I want to do is run away from this. Race to my car and drive far from this hell, to see the one person you love more than anything so close to the end is utterly intolerable. But the fight extinct never truly leaves me and I find the strength to keep hoping she'll get better. I stay, I always will and as unimaginable life would be without her I would still keep going for Ana and our children.
"I love you", I whisper in her ear as I see her stirring. She smiles, her eyes still tightly shut and reaches for my cheek. With amazing accuracy she strokes my cheek and with effort opens her eyelids to reveal the bluest gaze, marred with sadness.
"Hey everything's going to go great", I lie.
"Liar", she responds with a smirk.
"I'm hurt Mrs Grey, I would never lie. It's going to go well, it will, it has too".
Her smirk vanishes as the sadness returns to her features, "Please try Christian, you must promise me you'll try to live a happy life, you know, if this doesn't end well".
I exhale and quickly swallow the rising bile in my throat, it's not a promise I ever wanted to make. Being happy without Ana seems an impossible task, I could go on and try to be a good father but I never imagined I could be happy if Ana wasn't here.
"I'll try Ana and that's the best that I can do, put yourself in my place, could you be happy".
Ana's face pales at the thought and I wish I hadn't asked the question. She seems to contemplate it and eventually answers.
"It would be devastating, I see that Christian but I would have to hope I could find some joy in my life. Teddy and Phoebe deserve a mother who could share in their happiness and a sad mother isn't much of a mother at all, I know that".
I reach for her hand and squeeze it tightly, tears are falling down my cheeks and I can't seem to stop them. My wife is wiser than her years and so much braver than I could ever be. I wish I was the one who was sick, the children need Ana so much more than they need me. I can certainly see her going on without me, it wouldn't be easy for her but she would plough on and be mother and father to our children. Can I be everything they need me to be, I can try my very best and surely I can struggle to find that illusive pleasure without her.
"I promise", I tell her softy as she wipes away my traitorous tears.
Very short I know but just a little extra for all those people who were glad my story had continued.
More next week and thank you for all the messages of support.