Once Upon a Hogwarts – Chapter Twenty-Two

By Lily in Pond

Disclaimer: There is no granting of wishes in the world, or I wouldn't need a disclaimer…anyways, not mine.

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Hogwarts was a bloody mess. Hexes and curses were flying all over the place, blood was splattering everywhere, and every so often, a body fell lifeless to the ground.

Ron tripped over a body and cursed loudly when he realized it was Colin Creevey.

"Hermione!" he called, seeing a mane of bushy brown fly past him.

Hermione turned around and quickly ducked to avoid an Imperious Curse.

"Have you seen Harry anywhere?" she screamed at Ron, above the noise of the battlefield.

"No!" he bellowed back. "The last time I saw him he was charging toward the Quidditch field!"

"That's where Voldemort is!" Hermione cried. "We have to help!"

"I don't think so," sneered a familiar voice. "This is Potter's battle, and no Mudblood or weasel is going to tip the odds."

Ron glared at Lucius Malfoy. "Your Dark Lord may work alone, but Harry has friends that care about him."

"Some people rely on outside help, but the Dark Lord operates alone," Lucius snapped back at him.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Okay, we don't care, so get out of our way! Stupefy!"

"Protego!" Lucius blocked the spell easily. "I'm afraid it's not going to be that easy, Miss Granger."

"Not if I do this," Ron snarled as he hit Lucius as hard as he could in the stomach. Malfoy slumped down onto the ground, clutching his stomach and Ron quickly stunned him. "Quoting you from third year, that felt good."

Hermione grinned and looked around anxiously. "C'mon, let's go find Harry."

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Draco looked around his swampy surroundings and sighed. These are going to be the last moments of my life, he thought pessimistically.

A loud snap in the woods startled him. "Who's there?" Draco called out, trying to stay calm.

"Nobody," a boy's voice answered. "Oh, shit," Dominic Cortes muttered and stepped out of the bushes.

"You!" Draco screamed. "You sent me here! Get me back to Hogwarts!"

"That's what I'm here to do," Dominic snapped, wading through the marshy wetness. "Unfortunately, this…….liquid makes it harder."

"Yeah, take all the time you have in the world. Hey, why don't you borrow some from Father Time?" Draco snarled sarcastically.

Dominic glared at Draco. "Do you want me to get you out, or what?"

"Judging by how things are going, I'll take the 'or what'," Draco muttered cynically.

"Hey, I heard that!"

"Well, I said it out loud!" Draco shouted. "Now get me out of here before I hex you to smithereens and burn up your remains!"

Dominic rolled his eyes. "Like you haven't said that a million other times before." Seeing the murderous expression on Draco's face, he hastily added, "Alright, alright, I'm coming. Don't break a nail."

"Too late," Draco muttered, looking wistfully down at his hands. "All too late."

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Harry was running as fast as he could towards the Quidditch field when he heard a scream behind him.

Luna, he thought grimly. Another one down.

Seamus was unconscious. Dean had been Stunned. Hannah Abbott and Justin Finch-Fletchey were both clutching injuries, and Terry Boot was cursing quite profanely over his broken ankle.

Altogether, six down.

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Pansy Parkinson and Mandy Brocklehurst were trapped on the cliff on the east side of Hogwarts.

They couldn't run, they couldn't Apparate out, they couldn't hide.

You must sacrifice things to win a war, Mandy thought bitterly. Her eyes made contact with Pansy's and they shared a look of understanding.

Mandy swallowed hard and pulled out her wand. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Pansy doing the same.

"Detritus!"

As a mountain of rocks came tumbling down on the six Death Eaters and themselves, Mandy whispered a silent prayer and hoped that those words wouldn't be her last.

Eight down.

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Susan Bones' eyes widened as Ernie Macmillan sprang out of nowhere and yanked her to the ground.

The Death Eater advanced towards them and Susan out managed a feeble, "Protego."

"Go," Ernie whispered to Susan. "Save yourself."

Susan, terrified to death, nodded and quickly blended into the forest. Peeking from behind the bushes, she saw the Death Eater pointing his wand at Ernie. Susan closed her eyes as a deep blue light filled the area.

Nine down.

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"Are you sure you want to kill me?" Anthony Goldstein asked the Death Eater who had his wand to his throat. The Death Eater nodded and pushed his wand tip in further.

"Ouch! Mind the Adam's Apple, please!"

"I'm going to kill you."

Anthony raised his eyebrows. "Well, I haven't heard that one before."

"I'm going to kill you," the Death Eater repeated.

"No comment."

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"Do you……like black?" Blaise Zabini asked the Death who was slowly inching him towards the edge of a cliff. "It seems you wear a lot of it. Might I suggest periwinkle?"

"I don't do periwinkle," the Death Eater snarled.

"Whoa, man," Blaise started. The Death Eater glowered at him. "I mean, whoa, uh, madam. Chill. There's nothing wrong with wearing periwinkle; it'll be a perfectly lovely shade on you."

"I don't do periwinkle," the evidently female Death Eater repeated.

"How 'bout lavender, then?"

"I don't wear pastels. I wear black, a very dark shade of sepia, and an extremely burnt shade of charcoal."

"Interesting. Would you consider navy with pinstripes?"

The Death Eater sighed and lowered her wand. "Look, kid, if you want to confess that you're gay, do it now before I kill you."

Blaise stared at her. "……..I'm not gay."

"Funnily enough, it would seem so," the Death Eater replied with a rather sadistic smirk.

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"Holy cows square-dancing on a baloney covered cracker," Ginny Weasley breathed. Harry looked at her quizzically. "When you live with Ron, the world revolves around food," she explained.

Harry nodded, albeit a bit skeptically.

"This place is so cool," Ginny continued. "It's like the haven for all magical creatures."

"Gin," Harry began. "This is always what the Quidditch field at night looks like."

"It's magical."

"Okay," Harry agreed. "Now do you want to actually start searching for the man who's been hunting me down for seventeen years?"

"There's no need for that!" a voice boomed from above. "Lord Voldemort has entered the building!"

"That is so cheesy," Ginny muttered.

"Mozzarella," Harry added. "Extra cheesy."

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"So, you actually like cooking gourmet food and swimming with sharks?" Blaise asked as clarification. The Death Eater next to him, whose name was Charlene, nodded.

"The sharks are actually quite friendly after you've forced a Calming Drought into their system, and they're very good navigators at sea. And I've always liked eating good food and even more cooking it," she replied.

Blaise shook his head. "I've learned more from you than all my friends combined."

"Are your friends not intelligent?"

"I'm thinking they are."

Charlene smiled. "Birds of a feather flock together."

"Hey!"

Charlene checked her watch and Blaise noticed her action. "Hey, where'd you get that? Isn't that a Muggle thing?"

"Nicked it off from some Mudblood in Diagon Alley," Charlene said carelessly. "It was like taking candy from a baby."

They were silent for a moment until Blaise suddenly said,

"All Death Eaters aren't that bad, are they? I mean, if there's more like you, they can't be all loot-pillage-burn people."

"Some of us are that way. Some of us aren't," Charlene finished quietly. "It's strange, but only the extremely bad Death Eaters are remembered, while the relatively alright ones are forgotten and put away. But that's life. You never forget the bad things, while good things don't last."

Blaise sat up. "Give me your watch for a second," he said suddenly. Charlene noticed his ears were prickling up, like a dog's.

Blaise started turning the watch over and over again. Under his breath, he kept mumblings little jumbles of words that made absolutely no sense to Charlene.

Finally, he gave up and returned the watch to Charlene. "This is useless without Mandy's research," he groaned.

"Who's Mandy?" Charlene asked.

"She's……well, I guess she's my girlfriend," Blaise replied absentmindedly. "She did a load of research last year on Muggle electronics functioning in the Wizarding World, and I really need those notes right now because I think I've just discovered a loophole around Muggle equipment not working properly in magical areas."

"That's interesting," Charlene said, playing with her watch and turning it over. "Are you going to call it Wizarding Wireless? Because I think we already have that…"

"If Mandy and I discover it, we'll probably just make it a branch of Wizarding Wireless," Blaise decided. "Either that or 'Eco Market 2000'."

"Life is turning in different ways," Charlene suddenly said. "I mean, you're probably going to invent that with Mandy, and all your friends will grow up to do something worth mentioning, but what am I going to do? I'll just be remembered as a stray Death Eater who didn't even make a name in history and go to Azkaban."

Blaise rolled his eyes. "Yeah, like that's going to happen. Some people chose the wrong path on their to life. You just need to get on the right path again."

Charlene sighed. "OR, I could kill you and make a name for myself right here and now."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"…"

"Well, I most certainly am not dead."

"As am I."

"As am I."

"As am I."

"As am I."

"As am – oh, shut up!"

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"Lord Voldemort is great in all areas!" Lord Voldemort, the aforementioned, boomed. "He will kill you, the oh-so-great Boy-Who-Lived tonight!"

"You know, I don't think I've heard that one before," Harry said sarcastically to Ginny before whipping out his wand. "Bring it on, Tom!"

"Bring it on, Potter!"

"Um…." Ginny mumbled. "Loonies."

Voldemort ran down the stairs of the Quidditch stands, tripped over the hem of his robes, cursed very loudly and graphically, and landed quite painfully on the ground.

"Damn you, Quidditch! I never liked you!" he growled, getting to his feet and brushing off his robes.

"Gin, I think you should stay away," Harry muttered. "You're going to get hurt."

"What?" Ginny squawked, flailing her arms like a duck. "How could you be cruel as to leave me all alone in the night, wondering if you're dead or not, Harry James Potter? How could you, Harry James Potter? How could you?"

"Well, if you want to die, that's fine with me," Harry managed out.

"Hey!" Ginny exclaimed. "All of life's mysteries are solved in death, and I want the answers!"

Voldemort's eyes flickered from one to the other. "Enough!" he yelled. "I am trying to kill someone right now, and you are getting in the way of it! Can't I just have one day where I get what I want?" he wailed.

Harry and Ginny looked at the helpless Voldemort, who had sunk to his knees and was now sobbing dramatically into his robes.

"Kill him," Ginny whispered, out of the corner of her mouth. "Kill him now."

"I can't! It would be extremely unfair since the odds are in my favor!" Harry protested.

"Oh, stop being gallant and do it already!' she exclaimed. "You're probably never going to get a chance like this again, so take it and finish him off!"

"I JUST CAN'T!" Harry yelled. "Even though this is the man – man-snake – snake-man – whatever – that's ruined my entire life, I can't kill him when he's like this! He deserves a fair battle, and that's what he's going to get!"

"But Harry," Ginny whined. "You can kill him now by cheating, or you can tempt Fate by going into a fair battle!"

"Hey, you know what? This isn't even my decision anymore. I'm just going to wait till he stops being a drama queen – " Voldemort sobbed even harder – "and gets himself back together, because that would be a fair battle!"

"So, you're just going to wait for the waterworks to stop?"

"Exactly."

"Fine. Be a stupid egghead for all I care."

"Fine. I will be a stupid egghead."

"Fine."

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"So………you still want to kill me?" Anthony asked the Death Eater.

"Yes."

"Okay. That's nice to know."

"Yes."

Anthony heard the rustling of the trees. "You still want to kill me?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

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"Ow," Mandy mumbled, as she slowly got up and rubbed the giant bump on her head. "Great. Now I'm going to fail NEWT's."

Mandy turned around and started brushing the rubble off of Pansy's shape. "If I'm living, then Pansy's definitely alive since she didn't get the full blast of the rocks," she muttered.

"Urg," Pansy mumbled.

"Come on, let's go! We need to help!"

A rustling of robes caught Mandy's ears. "Not you," she snapped, pointing her wand at the Death Eater and stunning him. "You're not wanted."

"God, this is hell!" Pansy whined. "My head feels so freaking heavy and it's throbbing like crap!"

"You think you have problems," Mandy muttered.

"Actually, I do!" Pansy exclaimed. "When we get back to Hogwarts, I am so going to Floo Madame Bourbon's Twilight Spa!"

"Make a reservation for me," Mandy grumbled as they trooped over the hill and peered down at the Quidditch field. "Oh, my god!"

"What is it?" Pansy cried, running over.

"Voldemort's sobbing in a little heap on the stadium floor and Harry's not even going anything!"

"WHAT?" Pansy shrieked. "The nerve of that little motherfu – "

"WHAT IN BLAZES DO YOU THINK YOU TWO ARE DOING?"

Mandy and Pansy screamed.

After a few seconds of endless banshee sounds, Severus Snape decided it was enough. "Shut up!" he roared.

They continued screaming.

"Shut up!"

More screaming.

Snape threw up his hands. "Oh, for the love of god!" he exclaimed, and pushed the still-screaming Mandy and Pansy off the hill, where they landed quite unceremoniously at Harry's feet. Irritatingly enough, they were still screaming.

"Kill him!" Pansy screeched as soon as she regained her balance. Voldemort seemed to be deaf as well as ignorant of his current surroundings.

Pop. Draco Malfoy and Dominic Cortes appeared next to the still-screaming Mandy and Pansy.

"Oh, yeah!" Dominic cheered, doing the disco (think 'YMCA'!). "Who's good? Oh, yeah baby, I am so good!" Then he caught sight of Voldemort. "Oh, crap!" he yelled, jumping three feet in the air, and took off in the direction of Hogwarts' bright lights.

Draco blinked. "Wow. That trip must have done a bad one on me because I'm seeing Voldemort sobbing pathetically into his robes, Scarface and Co. not doing anything about it, and Mandy and Pansy impersonating banshees."

"It's all true," Ginny told him. "Sadly."

Draco raised his eyebrows. "Well, then, if you're not going to take advantage of this opportunity, I am. Avada Kedavra!"

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A/N – WOW. That must have been the chapter with the most stupid humor in it! And for all you die-hard prophecy people out there, don't worry! Harry will still kill Voldie, and everything will end happily ever after!

Or will it?

DUN DUN DUN!

Also, snaps for everyone who have realized that Dominic and Draco's arrival on the Quidditch Pitch is a total mockery of Hogwarts, a History, because it's practically been stated in every HP book by Hermione that you can't Apparate to or from Hogwarts. Snaps for you!

The loves of my life – reviews!

wally4ever – The time when Draco called Hermione a Mudblood was practically the first time when he'd spoken to her directly. This was her first judgment of his character, and Hermione also realized that she was the one who'd said the things that made him snap and call her a Mudblood. Hope this makes more sense – I just practically plagiarized everything from Contra Veritas! (note: Contra Veritas, don't sue me. I have no money, anyways.)

blackXxXblossom – It's always the pompous ones…

luvHaru7 – Whoa. I can't even go near snakes before I get really freaked out and start telling everyone to, "Shut up, crap-face!" (I'm not very controlling of my nerves when I'm hear the word snake…)

SlytherinPrincess00 – You really don' want to know how I got that idea….IT'S JUST TOO SHOCKING!

Your Mom Is My Heart – It's here again!

White-Pink-Fluffy-Strawberriez – Argh, I can't believe how I keep on drawing out the Final Battle – I swear, it's probably going to take me three months and forty hours of writing!

me – Oho! Daphne will suffer…just you wait and see….MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

serpentine17ice – Mandy knew what the thing was because they all ran into each other in London (remember the scene at the beginning of Chapter 20?). Harry and Co. knew that Mandy had the thing because she told them and in their minds, there was only one thing that the thing could be. (Whoa, that last sentence sounded weird!) Also, Hermione's not that worried about Draco because she's got other things on her mind – like Harry's impending doom, Voldemort's scheduled arrival, etc. At that moment, Draco wasn't her greatest concern.

Thanks to Sam's Firefly, Natural-181, Andie, dragoneyes5000, Caligirl-HPLVR, School-of-Rock101, Wilhemina, and Hotkat144!

Your lazy and procrastinating author,

- Lily in a Pond