-1Once Upon a Hogwarts - Chapter Twenty-Nine
By Lily in a Pond
Disclaimer: No own, no keep, no take.
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Two weeks had passed since Harry, Hermione, Ron, and their friends took part in the end of one of Wizarding History's greatest eras. The entire seventh year had gone through press conferences, award ceremonies, interviews, and huge publicity over the defeat of Voldemort. Some had enjoyed the attention, but Harry was pleased to say he had successfully managed to fake illness when Rita Skeeter came calling.
Hermione was overjoyed when it was mentioned at an interview that her life was now being researched and written into a book. On the contrary, Ron was not. Of course, this was probably due to Ginny giving the reporter every single bit of humiliating and embarrassing information she had.
Ginny was a little more serene now that the mad rush of injured students was over. She and Harry were now one of Hogwarts' popular gossip topics, even though their relationship was already solidified.
Draco had basked in his fifteen minutes of fame, lapping up all the attention he could get and enjoying the numbers of women fawning over him, cooing in baby voices about his "tragic, absolutely wretched past," and how he managed to grow up to be a "strapping young man with devilishly good looks and a charming personality."
Mandy had recovered from her traumatic experience at the gateway to Heaven, and now she and Blaise, now officially a couple, were often seen together. Loud explosions had been heard from their rooms ever since she had checked out of the Hospital Wing. Strangely enough, no one, not even their own housemates, knew why.
In short, life was now back to normal at Hogwarts.
"HEY! GIVE ME BACK MY UNDERWEAR!"
Well, as normal as a magical life could be.
As Ron chased furiously after a laughing Ginny, Harry and Hermione looked on with amusement.
"…And here, we have Exhibit C. Homo stupidus attempting to thwart Homo sapien," Harry joked, and he and Hermione bust out in laughter when Ron tripped over a rug and fell flat on his face.
"Looks like Weasley's so thick, he forgot which foot to put in front of the other," Draco said sardonically, coming up behind Hermione. "Of course, I wouldn't blame him; he never had any formal education other than his knowledge of - " He was cut off when Harry and Hermione slapped him at the same time up the head. "I was going to say swear words," he smirked. "You have such a deliciously wrong mind."
Harry made a disgusted face. "Urgh. If you're talking to me, ew. If you're talking to Hermione, EW. I'm leaving."
"Where're you going?" Hermione asked.
"Down by the lake," Harry replied, resisting the urge to add 'with the hanky panky, where the bullfrogs jump from bank to banky.' "Ginny needs me to test out a few medical potions."
"So why do you need to go to the lake?"
"Because you'll turn into a whale if it doesn't work properly," Harry replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Didn't you figure that out?"
"…Noooooooo…" Hermione and Draco said in unison.
Harry blinked. "Well……too bad. Mandy! Hi!" he called as he departed, waving to the girl who had just turned the corner. Mandy turned around and waved a goodbye to Harry. Walking slowly with large bulk of books she was carrying, Mandy blew her blonde bangs away from her eyes and asked to Draco and Hermione,
"Do any of you know where Blaise is? He wanted these books from the library."
"I don't know his whereabouts, but that book looks interesting," Hermione observed, taking a book off the large stack and examining the cover closely. "Electricity and magnetism…why does he want a book on this? This only exists in the Muggle world since they don't have magic to power their appliances."
"What's electricity?" Draco asked curiously, carefully sounding out the word.
"I'll tell you later," Hermione mumbled, opening the book and reading the contents. "I wonder why Blaise wants this book……he's a wizard; he doesn't need electricity - "
" - He's conducting an experiment," Mandy hastily interrupted, hurriedly taking the book back form Hermione. "And I'll be going now. I'll see you later!" As she stumbled off with the books, Hermione and Draco watched her retreating back with curiosity.
"There's something she's hiding," Hermione said worriedly. "Something very important."
Draco shrugged. "Well, for all know, Blaise is probably using that electricity thing to blow up Theo's bed. Come on, cheer up," he said, noticing Hermione's unchanged expression. "There's nothing to get worked up about."
"I suppose you're right," Hermione said reluctantly. "But…"
"No buts," Draco said cheerfully. "Come on, let's get some lunch. I'll give you all the Shepherd's pie!" he cajoled. Hermione wavered.
"Alright, fine. Someday, I'm going to discover what your weakness is…" she laughed, and the two headed off towards the Great Hall.
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Lord Voldemort laughed evilly as he slithered out of the woods and into the direction of the castle. The stupid boy and his friends failed to notice I had one more Horcrux, he thought maliciously. And now…they will pay dearly.
Suddenly, the image of Harry Potter came into view right in front of his reptilian body. "Harry Potter," he hissed and starting slithering towards him.
"Say goodbye, Harry," he hissed evilly as he neared Harry. Harry looked up.
"Ginny, do you hear something?" he asked the red-haired girl nervously. "I'm not sure if I heard right, but I think I just heard Voldemort hissing to me in Parseltongue."
Ginny gave him an incredulous look. "Harry, Voldemort's gone. And you were the one who actually defeated him, you should remember this…"
"Yeah…it can't be Voldemort. Things would get way too complicated if it was. Besides, what was I thinking? Voldemort alive? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" he laughed and returned to testing Ginny's potions.
Voldemort slithered out of the nearby bush he had hid in and slowly approached Harry. Just as he reached Harry's leg and opened his mouth to bite, a foot came crashing down on his body, squashing him painfully. Voldemort let a choked yell (snake-yell, if you will) and curled into a ball, writhing in agony.
"Ginny! I definitely heard something this time!"
Ginny looked perplexed. "Harry, are you hearing things again? I didn't hear anything…"
After a moment's contemplation, Harry shrugged and turned back to Ginny. "…….Must've been my imagination, then."
"Are you sure you're alright, Harry? Did somebody put a spell or something?"
"No, I guess I'm just going senile. Ha! Me, Harry Potter, a senile seventeen-year-old who hears Voldemort even after everyone knows he's dead," Harry laughed idiotically. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Just then, a pair of hands scooped the snake up and tossed him unceremoniously in a pile of dirt. Voldemort hissed angrily.
"I did all that work and brewed that godforsaken potion so you could come back temporarily for this?" came the familiar voice of Severus Snape.
"Why, yes, Severus," Albus Dumbledore answered. "Defeating Grindlewald was only the starter course…I, like all humans, wanted more," he finished philosophically.
Snape sighed. "Can I set him on fire, then?"
"No. You don't have the skills," Dumbledore replied. As Snape huffed indignantly, Dumbledore smiled and muttered quietly, "Heh. You just got owned by a dead two-hundred-year-old."
Pop. A fire appeared and began engulfing Voldemort's body.
Pop. Only a few yards away, Harry turned into a whale.
Pop. Various areas of Voldemort's Horcrux body started to explode with the spell Snape had snuck in under Dumbledore's nose.
Pop. Ginny, in visible distress, accidentally turned Harry into a sea urchin.
Pop. The snake's head flew off.
Pop. Harry managed to turn back into a human, albeit looking slightly heavier than before.
Whoosh. Voldemort's soul disintegrated into the air.
Rumble. Harry sighed. Even the Giant Squid was laughing at him.
Snape looked at the dead, burnt body of the snake Voldemort had inhabited. "Well…that was fast, wasn't it? Compared to how the students destroyed the other Horcruxes in long, lengthy hours, I'd have to say you need the professionals to pull a good job, wouldn't you agree, Dumbledore?"
He turned to look at Dumbledore, but in his place, there was simply air. Snape sighed. "…Fine. I hope you're happy now, old man…"
Harry shook the water out of his hair as he turned heatedly to Ginny. "I'm telling you, I'm really hearing things! First I hear Voldemort hissing about killing me in Parseltongue! Then I hear this weird yelp! Then I hear a crackle of a fire! Then I hear pops all over the place! And now, I'm hearing Snape!"
Ginny laughed. "Oh, come on, Harry! It's highly unlikely that all those things would actually happen! I mean, Snape, outside? You've got to be joking."
After a moment's pause, Harry laughed as well. "Yeah, you're right. Who was I kidding, Snape outside? And Voldemort coming back and killing me? Those things would never happen here! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" he and Ginny laughed together as they obliviously returned to the potions.
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"Secrets……everyone has them. Secrets are hidden so deep in a person, one might even die for them," Anthony Goldstein narrated in a misty, sagacious voice. "Secrets…are the bane of our dramatic lives."
Whack.
"Anthony, what are you doing? Are you trying to con those third years again?" Pansy sighed, exasperated. She put down her rolled up newspaper that she hit Anthony with. "You lot, away," she commanded imperiously as she yanked Anthony off the throne-like chair he was perched on.
"I wasn't trying to con them," Anthony said defensively. "I was trying to make some pocket money by educating them in the ways of the world - "
"Pocket money?" Pansy repeated. "Anthony, as soon as your father dies, which I suspect is in the offing, you'll inherit all his money and two estates in Chelsea and Vienna. Besides, you're getting quite a hefty sum every month…"
"Yeah, well, greed is pretty evident in man."
Pansy rolled her eyes. "...It's useless arguing with you - I already know you're going to kiss me somewhere in the conversation."
Anthony leaned closer to her. "So you've finally caught on - "
BOOM.
Mandy opened the door to the girls' dormitory, coughing and fanning the air around her. "Nothing to worry about, chaps! Everything's fine in here," she wheezed, closing the door just as the first tendrils of smoke started to escape the room.
Pansy and Anthony simply stared.
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"Students, I would like to welcome an former teacher back into our staff. He had taught at Hogwarts for many years, and I'm sure all of you hold fond memories of him," Professor McGonagall said, looking as if she had swallowed a frog. "Everyone, Professor Snape," Professor McGonagall said, clapping weakly. The tables were silent with shock. Then the Slytherins broke out into smattering applause and the Ravenclaws joined in hesitantly.
The Gryffindors were, simply put, frozen in shock. After the Hufflepuffs uncharacteristically 'booed' Snape, they awoke to their senses.
"BOO!" the entire Gryffindor table yelled, banging on the table and making the loudest ruckus they could. "BOO!" Interestingly enough, Professor McGonagall didn't even bat an eyelash in their direction.
"He's back?!" Ron yelled. "What the hell? I thought he ran away for a reason!"
"I thought he was gone for good!" Lavender Brown joined in.
"I thought he was dead!" a fourth year shouted, trying to fit in. Hermione rolled her eyes.
"That's a wrong assumption, youngling."
"I am pleased to say that I am resuming my position as Potions Master," Snape said silkily, standing up. The Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs booed loudly again. "Professor Slughorn has happily resigned and Potions classes will be resuming with me as your teacher Monday. Be prepared," he finished sinisterly and sat down, tucking into his stew.
"Be prepared," Ron muttered angrily as he dragged Hermione out of the Great Hall by the arm. "He's going to slaughter us!"
"That's about right," Hermione replied nonchalantly. "But all you have to do is to use the weekend to cram half a year's worth of potions that you've learned from the Prince," she said pointedly, "and you'll pass whatever Snape has in store for us!" she finished cheerfully.
"Easy for you to say," Ron protested. "You're the one with the robot mind!"
"I am not - wait, you're a wizard. How do you know about robots?"
"Dad made me take a course in Muggle Studies over the summer," he shrugged. "Anyway, help me study? You know I can't pass whatever he's planning on my own," he said, making puppy dog eyes at Hermione. "And besides, you're the smartest person at Hogwarts. And you're responsible, and kind, and - "
Hermione sighed and checked the clock. "Fine. But only until four. Draco's giving me a flying lesson!" she giggled, eyes glazing over.
"Oh, how sickeningly sweet," Ron muttered.
Hermione lost her dreamy look. "You're just jealous, Ronald, that you don't have someone who can give you flying lessons and buy you jewelry and dresses and take you out on romantic dinners," she snapped.
"Well, have you experienced any of those things, besides the flying one?" Ron snapped back.
"No," Hermione admitted. "But I'm going to!"
"Yeah, we'll see about that," Ron mumbled under his breath. Hermione grabbed him by the ear.
"What did you say?" she demanded.
Ron grimaced in pain. "Nothing," he answered sulkily.
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"SNAPE'S GOING TO BE A TEACHER AGAIN?!" Harry bellowed, nearly blasting Neville Longbottom off his feet with the sheer force in his voice. "HOW THE BLOODY HELL DID THAT HAPPEN!?"
"Now, now, Harry, calm down," Ginny said nervously, looking apprehensively at the crowd that was starting to form around them. "Don't want to make a scene here…"
"Oi, Potter!"
Harry turned around and nearly ran straight-on into Theodore's neck. (Yes, he's that short…)
"I suppose you heard about Snape's return," Theo said lazily, idly flicking a stray strand of hair away from his face. "Looks like life is really back to normal."
"I guess," Harry said tersely. "Bet you're really happy about this - "
"Why does everyone keep saying that?" Theo wondered, while examining his nails, looking bored. "Snape's been through major changes in his life over the past year; he's not going to be the same person."
"So you mean there's a possibility that on Monday, he gives us a test like the one Lockhart gave us?" Ginny asked skeptically.
Theo shrugged. "It's possible. With war, anything can happen."
"He's right, you know." Morag MacDougal appeared out of nowhere and joined Theo. "For all we know, Snape could be fooling us with that scary-man act at lunch."
"...Or maybe you're fooling us," Ginny said shrewdly. "Maybe you're getting us all loosened up for Snape on Monday. See, we'll think that everything is going to be all whoop-de-doo-dy, but when we walk into the dungeons, he hits us bad! And then, BANG!" she shouted, startling the three men. "He murders us all! And then we all sob in a corner, wondering who the hell sent Snape back to Hogwarts! And then, BANG!"
The three waited for an elaboration.
"…And then?" Morag finally prompted. Ginny looked confused.
"Eh? Oh……Snape made someone explode. Really, I thought that was implied," she said, shooting an accusatory look at Harry, as it was his fault.
Morag contemplated this. "I'm a bit scared. I mean, now that you mention it, this might actually happen - "
BANG.
Harry, Morag, and Theo all jumped five feet in the air and looked at Ginny with wide eyes.
"Snape's on the warpath already?!" Harry asked, sounding terrified out of his wits.
"RUN!" Theo screamed, sprinting for Hagrid's hut. Harry and Morag dashed after him.
Ginny stared after the three with incredulity. "This must be why we need psychologists…"
The sound of a window opening from one of the castle's towers reached Ginny's ears. "Whew!" Blaise Zabini sighed, fanning the smoky air around him. "Hey, Ginny! You alright down there?"
"Yup!" Ginny called up. "Harry, Morag, and Theo had a little bit of a shock, but overall, it's going great!"
Blaise flashed her a thumbs up and then his head disappeared back into the room.
Ginny shook her head furiously. "…All that smoke…and Blaise in Mandy's room with only his head peeking out…and his hair was looking messy, too…" She turned away and began walking briskly towards Hagrid's hut, slapping herself gently on the cheeks (not the ones you perverts were thinking about). "Stop, Ginny. No more dirty thoughts. Clear your mind…you're only sixteen…"
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"I spy with my little eye…….something pink," Draco said, twiddling his thumbs and looking up at the ceiling. Hogsmeade had been temporarily postponed by the Ministry of Magic to Sunday, and a Hogsmeade-less Saturday with no homework, no studying, and no fighting the forces of evil was bland and simply boring.
"Smething pink?" Hermione repeated, sitting up on the couch. "Are you sure? After all, this is the Slytherin Common Room…"
"Something pink," Draco said again.
"Hmm…pink…" Hermione mused.
BANG.
CRASH.
BOOM.
"What the (beep) was that?! The (beep)ing ending of time?! (beep) it, Mandy, we're in deep shit!"
"Shut the (beep) up! We're already (beep)ed up!"
"You (beep)ing idiot, there's someone trying to (beep)ing listen at the (beep)ing door! Shut the (beep) up!"
The door opened. "Hello, Hermione, Draco," Mandy said coolly.
"Don't mind us," Blaise said just as calmly. "We're just conducting a few experiments for the Wizarding World's general good." Then, just as swiftly as they had opened the door, Blaise and Mandy slammed it shut in Draco and Hermione's faces.
"Well…..that was rude!" Hermione said indignantly. She pounded on the door. "You (beep)ers better shut the (beep) up in there, or I'll really get mad and (beep)ing kill you!"
"Yeah! And I'll…………………" Draco trailed off, at a loss for words.
"He'll (beep)ing beat the (beep) out of you, too! So watch your (beep)ing backs, (beep)ers, and don't make any more (beep)ing noise!" Hermione yelled, kicking the door for good measure. As she stormed down the staircase to the boys' dormitories, Draco followed her meekly.
"Hermione…….I never realized you knew so many four-lettered words," he commented, looking frightened.
"Well, it's just the same four-lettered word used over and over again," Hermione said, without a hint of the ranging monster she was a few seconds ago. She sat down on the couch. "So what's pink? I admit defeat…but I really don't think there's anything pink in this room."
Draco dropped down next to her on the plush velvet couch. "Well," he said huskily. "Your face is pink now…your lips are pink………..but what I saw was pink was……" he leaned closer to Hermione and whispered something very softly into her ear. Hermione turned pinker, if that was possible.
"How did you know that?" she demanded. "Do you go into my room and watch me put on my clothes?"
Draco smirked. "Perhaps……I, too, have an Invisibility Cloak and a broomstick."
"Invisibility Cloak I'm not sure about, but broomstick…yeah," Hermione purred, drawing him down for a slow kiss.
A few minutes later and some scuffling noises later, Hermione peeked out from the top of the couch. "Er…Draco? You know there's a portrait of a man on the wall that was openly ogling at us?"
Draoc sat up immediately. "WHAT?" As soon as he saw the portrait, he sighed with relief. "Oh, that's just Phineas Nigellus. Former Headmaster of Hogwarts. He's always demanding us to enlarge our Playwizard magazines and place it in front of him, so don't be worried. He's a pervert by nature."
Hermione looked disturbed. "That is…………..anyway, I'm going back to Gryffindor Tower. Are you coming? she asked pointedly. "Oh, wait…you can't. Sorry, but I promised Ron I would study with him in the library at one-thirty," she said, reaching for her Gryffindor tie which hung askew on a chair.
"Wait a minute, you're choosing Weasley over me?" Draco asked in disbelief.
"...Uh, yah," Hermione said. "After all, he doesn't have a portrait of a raunchy old man hanging around somewhere."
Draco frowned. "Yes, he does. He keeps a picture of his great-grandfather, possibly the greatest pervert of the 19th Century, in his trunk in the dormitory."
"How do you know this stuff about us? Do you really stalk us or something?" Hermione demanded. As Draco opened his mouth to answer, she quickly held a hand up. "Wait, never mind. I don't want to know. Just……just don't sneak into my room at night and take all my underwear, alright?"
Draco looked perplexed. "Sure…but why?"
"Eh," Hermione replied eloquently. "I'll tell you some other time. But now, I'm going to be late for studying. I'll see you later, alright?"
As Hermione left the room, Draco turned back to the portrait of Phinneas Nigellus. "Hey, old geezer, you're a thousand years old! You don't go around checking out seventeen-year-old girls, particularly the seventeen-year-old who is my girlfriend!" he screeched girlishly.
Phinneas Nigellus chuckled. "Oh, but if I had my way, she won't be your girlfriend for long…" he giggled.
"...Freakin' old perverts," Draco muttered as he exited the room.
BANG!
"You know, this is really getting old," Draco called to Blaise and Mandy.
"We know!" they answered merrily. "But we're still young so it all balances out!"
"Sometimes I wonder how you two even passed Arithmancy, not to mention Advanced Arithmancy," Draco sighed and closed the door behind him. A 'boom' was heard and he sighed again. "Rationality, Draco," he reminded himself. "You will not go back in there and rip off their heads," he muttered, just as he ran right into a very familiar-looking person.
"Draco……are you talking to yourself again?" Daphne Greengrass asked. Draco gaped. "…Are you alright? Mentally stable?"
"I'm - I'm - fine," Draco managed out. "Er…hello, Daphne. I, er, haven't seen you in a while."
"Damn right you haven't," Daphne muttered. "Anyway, Drakiekins - "
" - Don't call me that," he interrupted. Daphne sighed.
"Fine, Draco. Anyway, as you know, the HUB is in a little more than a month, so let's go to Hogsmeade tomorrow and go shopping. I still haven't gotten a dress, you know," she said, smiling broadly at Draco.
"No thanks," he replied coolly. Daphne looked surprised.
"Oh, come on! We can make it a date!"
"No. Hermione already told me everything, so I'm not believing anything you say. And, as of right now, we are officially over, Daphne," Draco said steadily. "I broke up with you at the beginning of this year, but you've been hanging onto me like we didn't. It is over now. OVER," he enunciated loudly and began walking away. Clapping from inside the common room could be heard as he finished his statement.
"Well, what about the earring?"
Draco turned slowly around. "What about the earring?"
"The earring," Daphne repeated, her eyes shining with triumph. "How do you explain that? If your precious Hermione was really the one who danced with you at the Yule Ball...then why do I have the earring?"
Draco was silent for a moment as Daphne mentally basked in her victory. Then he stalked away, his polished shoes making a loud echo on the stone floor.
Daphne silently watched him turn the corner. Then she grinned, showing all her sharp, pointy teeth.
"...My dear Hermione, it seems I have a full house."
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A/N - Please give a round of boos to Daphne Greengrass, who is back in the house!
Next chapter: Hogsmeade's weekend! With Draco, Hermione, and Daphne all in the same shop, will disaster strike? Or will Ernie recite another monologue?
Thanks to all my reviewers!
Please review!
- Lily in a Pond