Once Upon a Hogwarts - Chapter Thirty
By Lily in a Pond
Disclaimer: It's nearly the end of the story! Cut me some slack here!
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"The Diary of Theodore Edmund Nott: A Collaboration of Articles About a Genius," Hermione read in a flat voice, examining the cover of a small black book she had spotted under Theo's gold throw pillow.
Ron snorted. "More like the Crazed Ramblings of a Delusional Lunatic Who Has Absolutely No Creativity for Hiding Places." He, Draco, Pansy, Mandy, Harry, Hermione, and Blaise were seated on Draco's bed in the Slytherin dormitory.
"Should we read this?" Hermione asked. Everyone stared at her. "Well, this could have some personal information that Theo doesn't want anyone to know about," she amended. Everyone continued staring at her. "It's unethical!" she protested. Six pairs of eyes drilled into her. "Fine, fine, we'll read it…"
Blaise plucked the book out of Hermione's fingers and starting reading aloud. "Year One: 365 Days of Beginnings."
"Oh, that was a really good title," Mandy commented. "I think Theo has a future in writing."
"Or calendar advertisements," Harry said seriously.
Blaise ignored the two. "I'm on the Hogwarts Express, sitting in a compartment with Draco Malfoy - he's such a pompous git - Pansy Parkinson - biology has failed her on her nose; her parents both have perfectly lovely noses - Daphne Greengrass - she's quite cute, but I haven't heard a squeak from her yet - Morag MacDougal - what is wrong with that boy, he just claimed he saw the Thames River; we're in Scotland - and Blaise Zabini - his happiness is simply too much for me to bear…" he trailed off dejectedly, a shadow crossing over his eyes. Draco and Pansy looked livid.
"Biology failed me on my nose?!" Pansy shrieked, nearly in tears. Mandy wrapped a comforting arm around her.
"Pompous git?! Oh, you knave…" Draco growled, cracking his knuckles.
"Er…perhaps I should take over from now?" Harry suggested. The three Slytherins nodded mutely. "Ahem. The Trolley Lady's just passed us now and we've all bought our snacks. Draco has been - ah, you may not want to hear this bit - and Pansy is a right - oh, no, not that either. I've been mostly talking with Morag MacDougal and Daphne Greengrass, who seems to be growing prettier by the second. She's quite interesting as well; she has a deliciously evil personality. I hope we get to Hogwarts soon. This trip is exceeding my limits of patience. Ah, I see lights. I suppose we should change now."
"Theo is getting a pounding when we see him," Draco said stonily. Pansy and Blaise nodded.
"A big pounding," they chorused.
"I'm in the Great Hall now, waiting to be Sorted. The Great Hall is large, but not as big as my mansion. Oh, the Sorting's started now. Some foddy-looking boy just got sorted into Ravenclaw…I think the blonde girl before him went to Hufflepuff - I can see why, no one except for a Puff would wear pigtails nowadays - a smart-looking girl with big hair and teeth just got Sorted to Gryffindor…oh, Daphne's been Sorted to Slytherin, though that was expected… hmm, Neville Longbottom…he's an interesting one; I thought for sure he was going to be in Hufflepuff, but I suppose he must have some bravery to be in Gryffindor…ah, Malfoy's a Slytherin as well, that was expected also…hmm, Potter? As in Harry Potter? Well, I did hear from Malfoy that he was coming this year. I must pay attention to this…"
"I didn't have big hair and teeth, did I? " Hermione asked quietly. Everyone looked at each other.
"No, you didn't," Mandy said, smiling falsely. "Your teeth may have been a little on the large scale, but your hair was certainly……er…manageable."
Hermione smiled, satisfied. "Okay, carry on then, Harry."
"Alright. I hate all the boys in our year. There's Malfoy, Zabini, Goyle, Crabbe, and MacDougal. Crabbe and Goyle have got to be the stupidest pair of idiots I have ever met - "
"Right on," Mandy and Pansy said in unison, punching the air.
" - and Malfoy and Zabini are unbearable. The only person who seems interesting enough and not perpetually happy in this dormitory is Morag MacDougal. I suppose he's good enough - blah, blah, blah, more crap about you guys, blah, blah, blah, ah, here we go. We had our first flying lesson and I was scared to death. I've only been on a broom once, and that was when I was little. To make it worse, Malfoy kept taunting me about my flying skills, saying I was no more than a worthless Muggle. Then I fell off my broom and everyone started laughing. Even those tensed up Gryffindors who, only a moment ago I remember, were scared to death about their beloved Potter getting kicked out. I don't think I'll ever fly on a broom again. Frankly, it's quite terrifying. Besides, I'm not good at it either, so I suppose I'll just stow away that Nimbus 2000 in my closet and hope Malfoy doesn't steal it."
They were silent as Harry finished the entry.
"Blimey…………I never knew…." Draco whispered. The door opened. Theo walked in, whistling a happy tune, and stared at the group.
"What's with the sad faces? Did Pansy's dog die……again?"
They looked at each other, and then at Theo. Theo looked perturbed.
"What happened?"
Pansy smiled weakly at Theo. "Theo………….WE LOVE YOU!" she wailed, throwing herself at Theo, hugging him tightly. Everyone followed the gesture, smothering him underneath a blanket of embraces.
"WE LOVE YOU, THEO!"
Hermione stared incredulously at the teary group hug. "…What is wrong with you people? This happened six years ago! And why did everyone hug him like that? You're all seventeen now, act your age!"
"Oh, Hermione, it's you that's not acting your age!" Ron chided from the hug. "Join us, and love Theo!"
Hermione blinked. "…I'd rather not." She checked her watch. "Anyway, we should go now…we should go up to the Entrance Hall if we want to go to Hogsmeade." She walked out of the room. Moments later, she came back in, huffing, "Did you not hear me? If we want to go to Hogsmeade, we have to leave now! Come on, let's go! Or do you all want to show up at the ball, wearing your undergarments?"
"Why don't we obey what the woman says?" Ron suggested nervously. "Come on, troops, hustle!" The circle of students hugging Theo slowly moved down the stairs, amazingly not colliding with anything or anyone.
"And remember," Mandy called. "WE LOVE YOU, THEO!"
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Ernie Macmillan and Justin Finch-Fletchey were sprawled on the ground, looking up at the bright sign that read 'One Magical Night' in neon letters.
Justin patted the slightly damp ground with his gloved hand. "I'm getting a major déjà vu," he commented.
"Agreed. It's strange, but I feel like I've been in this exact same position before."
"Same here!"
"…Hey, I've got a funny feeling Hannah and Susan are going to arrive right - about - now - "
"Hey, guys," Hannah Abbott said above them, peering down into their faces. "Why are you on the ground?"
"The stupid store chucked us out," Ernie replied sourly, remembering his bruise.
"What did you do to get thrown out?" asked Susan Bones, appearing next to Hannah.
"Apparently, we were born with a pe – "
"Ah! I get it!" Susan said hastily.
"Hey, why don't you guys go in with us?" asked Justin, pointing to the store.
"Why?"
"Because…….because……..I don't know, really," Justin said, confused. "I think I just had a sudden urge to say that sentence…"
"Déjà vu again?" Ernie asked as he and Justin followed Hannah and Susan to the store.
"Definitely," Justin confirmed.
Across the street, Anthony Goldstein, Orla Quirke, Terry Boot, and Lisa Turpin, laden with shopping bags, staggered into the Three Broomsticks just as Harry, Hermione, and Ron came out.
"Oh, hello there!" Orla said cheerfully. "I thought you weren't going to Hogsmeade this time."
"Yeah, well, at around three this morning, Harry and I woke up at the same time and screamed 'we don't have dress robes' to the entire world…Susan Bones informed me the Hufflepuffs heard it down by the kitchens, and so did the Slytherins in the dungeons. Did you by any chance hear it?"
Orla stared at Ron. "That was you?! Everyone in our dormitory thought a wolf had somehow gotten into Hogwarts!"
Ron sighed. "Well, it's nice to know what the school thinks of our voices. I'll see you around, then."
"She's becoming quite talkative around you, Ron," Hermione commented as they strolled down the streets of Hogsmeade.
"…So?"
"Well, Orla Quirke usually doesn't talk to anyone, especially boys. I wonder what made the difference for you?" Hermione said slyly.
Ron stopped dead in his tracks. "Hermione! Now you're one of them!"
"One of whom?"
"One of them!" Ron yelled, flapping his arms wildly. "Everyone is trying to fix me up with someone! Morag MacDougal stuck me and Lisa Turpin in a room, Mandy Brocklehurst introduced me to her cousin, Blaise tried to set me up with Millicent Bullstrode - though I think that was a joke - and even Daphne Greengrass, who would normally never think of talking to me, shoved her sister in my face! Has everyone forgotten about someone named Lavender Brown?!?!?! She is the one I like, she is the one I want, and she is the one I'm going with to the ball! Not Lisa Turpin, Melody Brocklehurst, Millicent Bullstrode, Diana Greengrass, or some random girl! I - want - Lavender!" he shouted. As he turned away form Harry and Hermione, chest heaving, a blur of pink tackled him to the ground.
"Ron! I never knew you felt this way! I want you, too, and - mmph!"
"...Oh."
"My."
"GOD!" Hermione exploded. "They cannot just start making out in the middle of the street! People are walking here!"
"Hermione…" Harry said carefully. "Er…why don't we go into the dress shop? We do need to get our outfits for the ball."
Hermione looked a bit ruffled as she detached her eyes from the nearly pornographic scene Ron and Lavender were making. "Yes, let's do that. We'll just leave Ronald and Lavender here. To rot in shame!" she finished vehemently.
"Er…yes, that would be…….morally correct," Harry said, looking puzzled as he finished his statement.
"Goodbye, Ronald!" Hermione called loudly. "We'll see you soon! When you're on the cover of Playwitch…" she muttered.
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"Why, oh gods, why does that girl need to try on a million dresses and complain to me about them all?" Draco moaned to Blaise, who had his feet propped up comfortably on another chair. "I mean, can't she just pick one and stop bitching about it?! Is the world really going to end if they don't have the Bolce and Habbana Pink Coiffeur dress in a size one?"
Blaise looked surprised. "Daphne's that skinny? Honestly, the girl is five feet ten inches. What does she eat, ice cubes?"
Draco shrugged. "I've never actually seen her eat in general."
Daphne came out of the dressing room in a flurry of green ruffles. "How does this one look, Drakie?"
"Pretty," he replied in a monotone. "Ugly," he added as soon as Daphne was out of earshot.
Blaise rolled his eyes. "I'm going to the Three Broomsticks. D'you want me to get you a Butterbeer there?"
"Get me a Firewhiskey on the rocks," Draco commanded. "By the end of today, I'll need to down my sorrows in alcohol."
"Fair enough," Blaise replied. "Oi! Mandy! Stop goggling at those leather pants, let's go!"
"Wait!" Draco said, clutching onto the sleeve of Blaise's robes. "Tell Mandy I'm going to kill her tonight in her sleep. If she hadn't dragged you into here, you wouldn't have dragged me into here and I wouldn't have run into Daphne. So…..tell her that."
"Will do," Blaise nodded.
"DRAKIE! Can you come in here for a minute? I need some help fastening my bra!"
Blaise retracted his steps back to Draco, his eyes wide open. "…She's using sex as a weapon?!"
Draco stared him down. "Daphne Olivia Greengrass will use anything as a weapon."
"I can't believe you're not going in there…if it was me, my shirt and pants would be on the floor by now," Blaise said. "But then again, I suppose I have obligations, too. Mandy'll definitely hex me to hell and back ten times if she found out," he said glumly. "Oh, well! I get to play drinking and kissing games with her during the next hour! And you get to sit here listening to your ex-girlfriend who, by the way, has not yet grasped the fact that your relationship has ended, ramble on and on and on about dresses in all sorts of different designs and colors! You can't escape, you can't call for wine, and you can't even play Solitaire! Oh, and while you're at it, you might be interested to know Hermione's here as well. Have fun!" he finished cheerily, taking the hand of Mandy Brocklehurst and proceeding to frolic out the door.
The saleswoman leaned towards Draco. "I pity you."
"Well, don't we all!" Draco snapped. He was rewarded with a slap across the head. "Hey, you work here! You can't hit a customer - oh, good afternoon, my dear sweet Hermione who I have absolutely no trace of anger or annoyance at," he said nervously. "…How are you?" he asked tentatively.
"Peachy," Hermione replied, her glare disappearing. "I was just dropping by to pick up my dress. It's easier to do it this way than to let them deliver it by Owl Post…the dress could get crinkled, for goodness' sakes."
"So…what are you doing here? Don't tell you're buying a dress," she said flatly. Draco snorted.
"Never."
"Miss Hermione Granger?" the saleswoman called. "Here's your dress."
Hermione rose up from her seat next to Draco. "Ah, thank you. Here it is," she said to Draco. "My absolutely beautiful dress……I admit, it was definitely worth the fifty galleons I paid for it."
"Fifty galleons? That's half the money I get every month from my mother."
"Well, I'm not rolling in gold like you, so I had to use a year's worth of savings for this dress."
"I see. May I look at it?"
Hermione held the dress protectively to her chest. "No. It's supposed to be a surprise for my date and I don't want to start blabbing about it."
Draco barely heard the second half of that sentence. "Your………DATE?!"
Hermione looked only mildly surprised at his outburst. "Well, since Daphne doesn't seem to be getting over the shock anytime soon, I figured I'd go with Neville and make your life easier. And come on," she laughed, looking at the mixture of confusion, anger, and shock on Draco's face, "it's only one ball. I don't even have to dance with him for the entire night and I'll definitely save you a dance."
"But….but…but…but what about us? And all that lovey-dovey crap?" Draco sputtered out. "The whole 'it's always been you' thing! What happened to that?"
"It's only one ball," Hermione repeated. "As long as we end up together in the long run, I think I can handle one ball without you, Draco. It's all right," she said reassuringly and stroked his hair affectionately. "It's all right - "
The door to the dressing room opened and Daphne stepped out, looking nauseating in a sunshine yellow dress weighted down with pearls. "Hello, Granger. Draco and I are in love and I'm glad you're accepting this all very well. And for the record, you and Draco are never going to end up together 'in the long run'," she mimicked childishly. "Draco and I will be together." As Hermione opened her mouth to protest, Daphne let loose a wild cackle, throwing her head back.
Hermione stared and then rounded on Draco. "Are you insane? She's insane!"
"Well - "
"She is out of her mind! See, this was why I told you we needed to give her some time to calm down and accept reality. Otherwise, she'll turn out like this!"
"You and Draco will never be together! As long as I'm living, you will never have a chance at him! Never!" Daphne screamed, tears now rolling down her face.
"Have you noticed that when she's being insane, she pronounces 'never' like 'ne-vahhhhhh'?" Draco asked. Hermione ignored him.
Susan Bones and Justin Finch-Fletchey, heading towards the dressing rooms, stopped dead in their tracks upon hearing Daphne and stared blatantly.
"…Should we call St. Mungo's?" Susan asked timidly. Justin nodded.
"Yeah…call the insanity ward."
"I AM NOT INSANE! God, I am sick and tired of you people calling me that! My therapist calls me that, Professor McGonagall said that, Blaise said that, even Theo called me that! And just now, that stupid Mudblood actually had the decency to say that about me in my presence!" she shrieked.
"Get the Healer, Susan, get the Healer quick," Justin said nervously.
"What's going on?" Ernie Macmillan asked from behind Justin.
"Daphne Greengrass is having a fit of lunacy," a sixth year. Orla Quirke, standing nearby, snapped her fingers.
"That is a great phrase! Fit of lunacy, ah, pure genius, my friend!" she cried and scribbled it down in her notebook, which she seemed to carry around everywhere.
" - And you are just a stupid little Mudblood ho doesn't deserve Draco! I deserve him! You are the lowest, more pathetic thing on the planet, and what does he do? He loves you! Not me! You! Not me! You! Not me! You! Not - "
"Stupefy!"
Everyone stared at Hermione as she blew lightly across the tip of her wand. "The villains are just getting easier to defeat," she said nonchalantly and smiled brilliantly at the crowd.
"And so, my lady claims the victory of her rival! Methinks, what lies yonder the exterior of a lioness but the will of a spitfire! Forsooth! The world is at peace again!"
As everyone in the shop stared at him in awe and incredulity, Ernie sighed and muttered, "Deja vu again..."
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"Let me get this straight, once and for all. You're the girl I danced with at the Yule Ball."
Hermione laughed, rolling over on Draco's bed. "Yes."
"Your earring fell off during that ball."
"Yes…come of think of it, I never found it."
Draco shrugged. "It'll turn up when we graduate. Anyway, you were the girl who left her copy of 'Cinderella' in the Great Hall that one morning."
"Oh, that morning…when Blaise and Pansy pasted those posters all over the school…yes, but didn't it have my name on it? And come to think of it, I never got that back, too…"
"You were the girl who tasted the same flavor as me when we ate a bite of Luna Lovegood's carrot, thus making you the person I belong with."
"Yes."
"Hey, I don't think I got the carrot back…hmm, there's a lot of things we didn't get back," Draco mused. "Like my last extra-large ribbed condom, for one."
Hermione blinked slowly. "...Next one," she prompted.
"I don't think I have any more," Draco said, looking surprised.
"Oh, I have one!" Hermione exclaimed. "You are the person I'm going to the HUB with," she said softly.
Draco smirked. "Excellent. Now that Daphne's safely in her own little world at St. Mungo's, the world is finally safe from crazy bitches."
"Cheers," Hermione laughed as she held up a glass of water from Draco's nightstand. Draco grabbed Morag's.
"Here's to you, Mrs. Malfoy," he said jokingly.
Hermione smiled contently. "Here's to you, Mr. Malfoy." Their glasses clinked in perfect harmony.
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"DRACO. HERMIONE. WILL YOU TWO PLEASE COME DOWN FOR A MINUTE?" Theo's voice boomed from below the Slytherin boys dormitory.
Hermione looked worried as she straightened her shirt and skirt, but Draco placed a hand on her shoulder comfortingly.
"I'm not sure it's nothing serious."
As they made their way down the stone staircase, Theo's unruly brown hair came into view.
He stood with his hands placed firmly on his hips and glared at them fiercely. "YOU READ MY DIARY?!?!?!"
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A/N - Next chapter, The House-Unity Ball!
Thanks to my reviewers, iamnotafreakingGOTH, LunaSky, Hotkat144, dreamingstar213, Ducky1414, White-Pink-Fluffy-Strawberriez, BeachBabeBrittany16, BlackDemonAngel, RoMaNTiCiLLuSioNS, Moni Jane, and Fnicks-Gurlz! You've been so good to me all along! I love you all!
Huggles and kissies
- Lily in a Pond