TW: suicide. Only a very vague mention, but it needs a warning just in case.
They had a very pleasant day in the blue woods – Rose managed to forget about any worries or unsettling thoughts on her part and simply enjoyed herself. It seemed to be becoming a habit, she noted, living in the moment and not giving a thought to what might happen, or rather, what she wanted to happen in the future. Still, the future would arrive – it seemed to have a tendency to do that. She would just have to deal with it when it got here. At least, for now.
They wandered in the shade of the cool, blue trees for a long while, the Doctor spouting endless trivia about the planet and its history and inhabitants while Rose skipped between the trees like a pixie, an amusing development which the Doctor pointed out to her after about half an hour. She blushed pale pink and smiled, tongue showing through her teeth in a smile that she had never really been aware of until she noticed the effect it seemed to have on the Doctor. She took in his slightly bemused grin and told him quite matter-of-factly that walking among blue trees on an alien planet could cause some quite erratic behaviour in humans.
"You know, excitement, giddiness, tendency to whistle and skip and smile – we're a simple folk."
The Doctor just raised his eyebrow and pursed his lips in a way that seemed to say "I am well aware of that fact" before pointing out another different species of blue flower.
Jenny seemed to be enjoying simply looking around at the new world the Doctor had given her, but before Rose knew it – she teased the Doctor that it was his droning voice that had caused it, at which point he bumped her hip gently with his – Jenny was fast asleep, head resting gently on top of the Doctor's. Rose smiled at the sleeping toddler. The Doctor tried to lift Jenny from his shoulders before she went limp and fell down, but he was having a bit of trouble untangling her hands from his hair. Rose reached over and disengaged Jenny's fist from a clump of the Doctor's dark brown hair, allowing him to bring her down from his shoulders and hold her in his arms. She really was fast asleep, her breathing deep and slow. The Doctor kissed the top of her head before looking up and catching sight of Rose staring at him almost wistfully. She should have known he would be able to tel what she was thinking – he could read her like a book most of the time and he knew it.
"Don't worry Rose Tyler, I haven't forgotten about you." He leaned forward slowly, pulling her into him with one arm until her entire body was pressed up against his, and pressed a tender kiss to the top of her head. Rose wrapped her arms around his waist and held herself there, for fear of being let go too soon if she didn't cling on. It was difficult while he was holding a sleeping infant, but it was not too hard for Rose to recall the old feeling that she had always gotten when he held her close to him. Comfort and security and contentment – it was all mixed up with his smell and the texture of his suit and the way his arms seemed to be just the perfect length fit around her in the optimum way. He had rested his chin on the top of her head, just like he always did when they were hugging not due to adrenaline or euphoria or happiness, but just simply because close proximity to each other was something that neither of them wanted to be without.
"I'll take her back to the TARDIS and settle her down. We can stay out here and just talk if you want?" The Doctor was offering to talk – now that was something that Rose would have thought even less likely than succeeding at inter-dimensional travel. She watched him walk towards the TARDIS, Jenny's head resting on his shoulder. Now would be the time to tell him everything she needed him to know. That is, if she could even get the words out.
They sat outside under some of the blue trees. The afternoon had faded long ago, and the evening was beginning its slow descent into night. Rose still managed to be surprised that even the sunset was blue on this fascinating planet.
"Are you OK?" Rose was slightly confused. The Doctor often asked her if she was alright, but that was normally after some terrifying or traumatic event. He seemed to be scrutinising her now, and she desperately fought the blush she could feel rising in her cheeks.
"I'm fine, Doctor."
"You sure? You seem a little... distant?"
"Just thinking."
The Doctor remained silent after that, twisting his long fingers together. Rose had not felt so hesitant in his company for a long time. She wanted to talk to him about being back here with him and what it meant, but she did now know if he would want to. Which was why she was so surprised when he brought the subject up himself.
"How was it? In the other universe, I mean. You must've sort of guessed how it was for me here. I mean, you met the other companions I had. What was it like?"
Rose breathed in and out very slowly. She did not really want to tell him – she sensed that he would feel guilt for the pain and despair she had been through, despite the fact that what had happened to her was not his fault. Eventually, after a couple of minutes of his huge brown eyes searching her face for an answer, she decided he needed to know.
"It was OK. Well, it wasn't really, but apart from the fact that I was trapped there everything was sort of nice. I mean, mum and dad were back together, mum had Tony. Torchwood offered me a job, I helped on missions and kept myself busy. I had Mickey and Jake and Mum. I thought I saw Jack once." The Doctor raised his eyebrows in surprise and delight. "Yeah, but he was gone before I could be sure. The only thing was that I couldn't enjoy any of it. I thought I was never going to get back to you. People kept telling me that I should try to move on, but I couldn't until I tried everything possible to get back over to this universe. I couldn't accept that you were lost forever, I just couldn't. I mean, I missed..."
"What did you miss?" the Doctor prompted, a sly smile hovering at the corners of his mouth, just as it had that first day in the TARDIS again when she had told him she had been trying to come back. He had given her that same delightful grin when she had admitted to him that she had been trying to come back.
Rose tried to formulate an appropriate reply. There was no way to really explain to him how bad it had been. "I really..." she stuttered, gulping and trying to hold back tears, smiling because she knew how silly it was to be crying when he was right there in front of her, "I, I missed you so much and you weren't there to give me hugs all the time and everything, and I'm here now and I just... I just really missed being able to see your stupid, ridiculous face every day."
He laughed, pulling her in for a hug, all traces of smug amusement gone. "So you came all that way just for a look at my ridiculous face, did you?"
Rose laughed, though her weak smile was still very definitely submerged in tears. "Well, I thought that you might be missing my ridiculous face as well." She felt his nod from where his head rested just next to hers.
She buried her face in his shoulder and fell silent, just rejoicing in the fact that she could cry about missing the Doctor, and have him actually there to comfort her, instead of that nagging feeling of emptiness that occurred when she was being comforted by someone else.
Rose locked her arms tightly around his neck. He was wondrously solid and so real.
"Just so you know," the Doctor said quietly, still holding her tightly, "I missed you too. I missed your face and everything about you so much. So, so much."
He released her from the hug and looked her in the eye. "I was a complete and utter mess of a Time Lord without you." His eyes were so huge. She had always thought they were huge, now they were focussed on her and it was like being spoken to by a little fluffy puppy with freckles. That is, if that puppy had had the saddest and deepest eyes Rose had ever seen.
"Really?"
"Rose, Donna had to drag me out of a bad situation with a load of Racnoss before I drowned myself."
Rose was stunned. "What?"
The Doctor dropped his gaze, rubbing his right eye. "I was stopping them from destroying the world – the usual, you know me – and I basically washed them down the plughole using the Thames. Long story, but I was there underneath the Thames with them and... well I was angry and merciless and awful. And I was so full of hatred that I didn't notice that it was getting dangerous. Donna, she... she got me out, saved me, told me that I needed someone to stop me." He sighed, covering his face with his hands and staying silent for a few seconds. When his face reappeared he seemed to have regained control of himself.
Even so, Rose hesitated a moment before smacking him on the arm with a handy tree branch. He rubbed the place where she had whacked him, eyes full of confusion and reproach. "Oi!" He poked her accusatorily. "What was that for?"
"That was for acting like an idiot and nearly getting yourself killed!" Rose was angrier than she had thought possible given the fact that she had only just found him again. She had wanted to have a few days of peace and blissful happiness before the important stuff had to be trawled through, but this couldn't be swept aside. She was absolutely simmering with fury at his carelessness and blatant disregard for his own life. "You risk your life every day to save people, I get that, but you nearly killed yourself because of me! Because you didn't notice that the water you were flooding in there was going to kill you! There is always someone else to save and somewhere else to go, how could you forget all that?"
The Doctor's face had fallen; his eyes were blank and cold. "I was distraught, Rose. I wasn't thinking straight."
His empty expression shocked her almost more than his confession had, and she desperately hoped that he had not had much occasion to look like this while she had been gone. "It's OK, Doctor." She grasped his hand tightly. "It really is. I'm sorry. It was a bloody stupid thing to do, but you're OK. Just please, do one thing for me?"
His face was back to normal now, the sparkle had returned to his eyes.
"Try to pay attention when your life is in danger?"
He laughed at that. "I promise you, Rose, I will definitely try to be aware of it."
"Well that's all I ask, then." She smirked at him, relieved that there was still room in all this tension and sadness for a bit of laughter. Not knowing what else to do, she leaned sideways against him, feeling overjoyed when she felt his arm creep around her shoulders, holding her close to him just as she had remembered during those lonely nights in the other universe. The real thing, of course, made her fantasies pale in comparison. How did he always smell so good?
She felt the Doctor breathe deeply next to her, and was almost completely sure that he was smelling her as well. She didn't mind. He smelled nice, she smelled nice - maybe they could smell nice together.
Thinking that perhaps she was putting too much thought into it, Rose closed her eyes. She could easily fall asleep here just as Jenny had done. It was cool and calming and the soft breeze ruffled her hair a little as it rolled through the endless fields of flowers. She felt the Doctor's hand sweep some of her hair off of her forehead, and hoped distractedly that he might kiss her. He did not, but he laced her fingers with his own and held them together in his lap.
It wasn't kissing, but it was them, and Rose liked it very much. Almost as if she had flicked a switch on her brain, Rose fell deep into her dreams. The Doctor's warm body breathed in and out slowly beside her, lulling her to sleep like a lullaby.