in regards to Bo in this story, she is fresh from a war zone and not used to delicate conversation and normal interaction. when she looks at life in the normal world, it all appears slow motion or far to slow for her. broken hearted and tired. But anyways, I have no idea what will come of this, if it will make it to a full story or what. I just wanted to do a story where Bo could be as intelligent and amazing as LAuren as a doctor, she is street smart and I found it to be fitting for her to be a combat doctor. both of these ladies have backstory that have left character flaws and scars...and well we all know where doccubus leads too...just be a bunch of bumps in the road as we go. Enjoy!

My dream that night was more intense than the last few, I woke up sobbing and not remembering anything about the dream, which was unusual. I woke up clutching myself and shaking. I couldn't get back to sleep, instead I changed my sheets and read the book I had bought the day I saw Kenzi in the shop. I sat in the big plush chair that I had moved into my room from the library; I curled up in a blanket and tried reading to calm the overwhelming anxious feeling I had running through my body.

I read until the sun broke through the night, I had not gone back to sleep at all. I was exhausted but it was something I was getting used to. I showered and dressed in my uniform, I was very quiet as I ate a small breakfast with grace, who questioned me about my previous nights activities. I was very vague and just mentioned the date, Sally and that she would end up being a good friend. I was more exhausted than I had been since I got home and I could feel my patience was thin.

At the hospital I did not run into Lauren, no messages or anything from her. For a second I thought about calling Leeds and asking her if Lauren was even in, but I shook it off and went to class. I stuck to a lecture and assigned my students their weekend project, I told them all to work in the ER at least one of the two weekend nights, just to observe other doctors so they could get a feel of how hectic the pace can be. I called it an early day right after lunch, I was worn out and knew I would be no good to the students. They eagerly took the early day and scattered out of the hospital. I went back to my office going over student evaluations that I would have to do in a few weeks. I couldn't even focus on that, my lack of sleep and intensity of the dream had knocked me off my orbit. I tossed the papers aside and decided to go for a walk; I had to go to the trauma unit to make sure the nurses were aware that they would have my students observing during the weekend.

The hospital was so quiet, it felt odd, this particular hospital was always quiet but as I rode the elevator down it felt eerily quiet. I knew that was a bad sign. When I stepped out of the elevator and made my way to the nurses' station, the beeping alarm signaling a trauma was coming in, went off. The nurses all stood up as one picked up the phone, gathering the information of what was coming. I looked at the head nurse, making eye contact, she nodded in silent acknowledgment. I ran and grabbed a pair of gloves, while tossing my uniform jacket behind the nurses' station; I rolled up my sleeves and asked the nurse, "what do we have?"

the nurse rattled off the details to me in clipped, clinical speech, as we walked towards the bay that was getting set up, that there was a bus versus bicycle accident and we were getting the bicyclist with a few of the minor bus injuries. I decided to take on the cyclist, I was informed that he had hit the bus head on and then rolled under the bus where he was clipped by the back wheels. Internal injuries were an unknown since the paramedics did a grab and run. I nodded and started looking around to make sure everything was set up, IV bags ready, the crash kit setup and charging, I called for one of the other nurses to call and ready the x-ray machine and the MRI and get the surgeons ready. As I double checked everything I heard Lauren's voice as she spoke to the head nurse, asking for the information I had just gotten. I looked over at her, she was dressed in scrubs and looked way different than she did in her uniform, her hair was clipped back and for a second I smiled, she looked like a real doctor and very attractive. Lauren met my eyes, there was an intense moment that passed over them. I knew she wanted to talk to me about our encounter last night but she had work to do. I smiled and nodded at her. she patted the nurse on the back and walked over to me, "Lt. what are you doing down here? as I recall you are not on the trauma rotation." she had a little bite to her voice.

I shrugged, "I know, I heard the trauma bell, and figured I would offer a hand."

"I think we have it covered, Lt."

Lauren was being icy, covering up whatever she was trying to hide from me. I could smell it on her, she would use authority to cover up her insecurities. before I could answer the fury hit. the bay doors slammed open and two stretchers came rushing in. the one that came Lauren and I was a bloody mess, it was the cyclist. I had to gently push Lauren back out of the way as the stretcher flew in front of her before she was clipped by frantic paramedics. I didn't have to listen to the paramedic as he spewed vitals. I could tell in a look that this body in front of me was a mess, broken and bloodied, I had seen this more times that I would ever want to recount. I looked over at Lauren and she didn't seem as slow and cautious as the first time I was in the trauma room with her, she stepped up and started taking action. she was directing the nurses and started to look for brain activity, she looked over at me and slightly nodded for me to step in. I started to palpate the torso to see how much internal bleeding there was, the belly was rigid, I knew his spleen was done for. I yelled my findings over to Lauren, she nodded and yelled for a chest tube, hearing fluid in the lungs and his heart rate was unsteady. she stepped off to the side and cut a slit into the side of the chest and expertly slid a chest tube in, the blood instantly pouring out.

we both shot our heads up when we heard the flat line, the pressured dropped too quickly and the cyclist was going into defib. I looked at Lauren and yelled, "shock him now, if two won't work, we are going to have to crack it open, I think there is blood in his chest is from a torn artery."

Lauren looked at me, nodding in agreement, "You are right, Lt." then yelled for two shocks with the defibrillator. Both didn't work, we had to crack his chest and try to clamp the bleeder. I went to grab the scalpel but Lauren got to it first, she was moving with expert precision and a quick efficiency that proved me wrong about my first impression of her skills. She was brilliant.

Lauren cut the chest and had an orderly help her crack the ribs, the chest was full of blood. I leaned over on the other side of the stretcher looking with Lauren for the torn artery, I finally found it and pinched it closed, then looked up at Lauren, "We are going to have to pump his heart for him, we can't waste a minute getting the defib recharged."

Before I could finish, Lauren reached her hand in and grabbed the heart, pumping it for the cyclist. she kept her perfect composure and yelled at the nurses to get the orderlies down here to take this guy up to emergency surgery.

it felt like an eternity but in less than a minute two orderlies came down with a cardiovascular surgeon and took the cyclist, I watched as Lauren straddled the cyclists and had both her hands in his chest, pumping his heart, keeping him alive as they pushed the stretcher to the elevator. she made eye contact with me as the doors closed shut on her.

I stripped off my bloody gloves, pulled on a new pair then went to go help with the other accident patients that came in. I patched up a few scrapes, did a few stitches and wished the patients well. it was strange for me, it had been a long time since I dealt with minor injuries that just needed a band aid and a pat on the back. it felt surreal and I felt like I had not done any real work. I handed off the charts to the nurses and threw away
my last pair of gloves. it had been almost three hours since the cyclist came in, I was curious what was going on. I went to the nurses station to grab my uniform jacket I had tossed aside earlier, and asked the head nurse. "patsy, how is that cyclist doing?"

she looked up at me from her mounds of paperwork, without a hint of emotion she said, "he did not make it Lt. Dennis, he died before they got him onto the table for surgery, he bled out. There was just too much damage to his internal organs, the surgeon said that there was little we could do."

I nodded and let out a deep breath, death really didn't bother me on face value. working in this type of environment, being told of a death was just as common as asking to pass the salt at dinner. I nodded as patsy turned back to her charts, I took a step away then a deep unsettling feeling hit me, I turned back, "Commander Lewis, does she know?"

"yes, she continued to pump the young mans heart and had to be forced to stop when they called it."

I thanked patsy again for her help, and started walking back to my office. I had a sick feeling, it wasn't for myself, it was for Lauren. I shook my head and told myself to try and not worry, she was stronger than I thought. I sighed, I had to head home before I collapsed in a linen closet. I took the stairs instead of the elevator, the climbing felt good after standing and applying band aids and listening to the stories of the bus riders. I was lost in my own thoughts when I turned to the third flight of stairs when I heard a soft sound that sounded like a whimper. I stopped and turned my ear towards the sound. I heard it again, a little louder. it was someone crying. I followed the sounds and came to a fire exit door to the outside fire escape, the door was cracked open and the cool evening air was slipping through. I reached out and slowly pushed the door open.

Lauren was sitting on the fire escape ledge, knees to her chest, head in her hands and she was sobbing. I felt my heart catch in my throat. I was frozen as I looked at her, she was far from the tough, icy, cold woman that had been haunting me for the last few weeks, she was broken down right in front of me and I felt guilty for spying on a moment that made her so human to me. I couldn't leave her though; I let the door close quietly behind me, then stepped next to her, sat next to her. Lauren felt me sit next to her and was startled when she looked to see it was me. she quickly wiped away her tears and tried to compose herself. I stared out at the city below us, we were sitting on the side of the hospital that had no buildings surrounding it. the view of the city went on and on, we where high enough up that we wouldn't be noticed. the air was filled with the hum of evening rush.

I didn't look at Lauren, she moved slightly away from where I sat, not wanting to touch me. before she had the chance to say anything I folded my legs under me, sitting Indian style and started speaking, "I will always remember his name. Private Andrew J. Colton. Twenty years old and in his second tour in the army. it was my third day in the unit and had not dealt with a mass casualty run yet. Andy came in with his unit, he had been on a recon trip that was hit with a rocket attack, his Humvee was hit, flipping and tossing all the passengers out like they were nothing. he was okay after that first hit, but then he went in and pulled out three of his buddies. As he went back in to grab the medical bag, a second rocket came his way." I took a deep breath, I could still taste the sand mixed with the smell of blood and I could see Andy staring at me.

"he came to me broken beyond repair, but I was determined to save this kids life. I kept doing CPR until my arms almost came off my body. I had to be physically restrained after one of his buddies pulled me off Andy. I screamed and screamed at my nurses to give more adrenaline, to keep doing CPR. I looked at the faces of the men that he had saved. They all told me it was okay to stop, that Andy wouldn't want me to keep trying on him when I had others to save."

I took a quick look at Lauren, my breath catching at the sight of her in scrubs that were covered in blood, her eyes were still filled with tears but she was looking at me in a way that I couldn't place what it meant. I turned back to the city movements, "I ran out of the trauma tent and kept running until I reached the edge of the barracks. I threw up until I couldn't breathe then cried until I ran out of tears." I bit my lip, the memory of that day carried with me clearer than any other, I swallowed hard. I reached over and put my hand on Lauren's arm, "Lauren, you do what you can, you give them your best and they will always thank you for it, just remember that, you fought for them when they couldn't."

her arm felt cold under my hand, there was an awkward silence that passed, as I went to move my hand I felt hers cover mine and squeeze. in a quiet voice she said, "he died in my hands. I tried so hard, I am a heart doctor, how could I not succeed in keeping him alive?"

Laurens hand felt warm against mine, it drew me to look at her. I met her golden brown eyes that were red. I reached up as a tear slid down her face to wipe it away, "I know."

for whatever reason I let my hand linger for a second as it sat against Lauren's face, I wanted so badly to grab her and hold her close to me, protect her and take away the pain she was feeling in this instant and just tack it onto my desensitized heart. I stared in her eyes then turned away, the air suddenly became heavy and my heart began to race, I spoke to break up the air, "let's get you inside, cleaned up."

I didn't finish, my sentence broken by Lauren moving towards me, her hands coming to my face pulling me gently towards her, our mouths met in a long, gentle kiss that slowly became passionate, I melted into the intimate gesture, kissing was something I had not done in a very long time and I missed it, as much as I wanted to pull away, push her away I didn't. I had not had human contact on this level in a year plus. I heard Lauren moaned softly, as she opened her mouth wider to let me in, I was caught up in the moment as her soft lips mashed against mine. she took my breath away and I became lost in the feeling of her tongue against mine.

When her hands came around me to the back of my head pulling me into her, I snapped back into reality and broke off the kiss, we were both breathless and flushed. my heart was pounding so hard that I swore Lauren and everyone in the city could hear it. Lauren snapped back into reality too, and became embarrassed, "I'm sorry, Bo, Lt. Dennis, I don't know what, what came over me."

I cut her off, "its fine, um. let's get you inside and warmed up…." I was confused and full of a feeling that I thought was long lost to me. I quickly stood up and helped Lauren up. We went back inside and maintained silence until we walked to the locker room. Lauren smiled weakly at me, folding her arms like a little kid, I could tell she had no idea what to say to me. I was in the same boat. we made eye contact and I felt the heat rise in me and could feel my cheeks flushing. Lauren stared at her feet and whispered, "thank you, I'm sorry." she made a strange hand movement acknowledging the kiss. I closed my eyes and said, "you don't need to."

Lauren nodded then with a rush of air disappeared into the locker room. leaving me standing in the middle of the hallway wondering what the hell had just happened.

I almost ran up the stairs to my office, trying to shake the mix of emotions that was making me queasy. I grabbed my things and ran down the stairs to my car, trying to avoid everyone. I drove like a mad woman all the way home and could not strip off my uniform fast enough when I made it to my room. Throwing on a pair of linen pajama pants and a old t-shirt, the feel of the uniform made me think of Lauren.

I ate a quiet dinner with Grace, listening to her talk about how she learned how to text on the cell phone and prided herself in showing me how. The silly conversation kept me at ease but I would drift into thoughts of the kiss and suddenly feel uneasy. I couldn't place the exact reason why I felt so uneasy, and it was driving me nuts. Lauren was a beautiful girl, and I knew the kiss was just a reaction of her shock, a release of emotions, but deep down I kept ignoring the feeling that I wanted it to be more than just a knee jerk reaction. I had to remind myself that Lauren was a pain in the ass and her ego and standoffish behavior towards me would override any sort of honest feelings I could be developing for her, that and I was relearning civilized social interactions.

I helped Grace clean up the dinner plates and chatted about the day for a little while, I then excused myself with the lie that I was going to go to sleep. Sleep and I were still on shaky ground. I tried reading my book, but my thoughts kept drifting to Lauren. I had an urge to call her to see how she was, I just wanted to hear her voice to make sure she wasn't crying anymore. I held the phone in my hands and squeezed it tightly when I suddenly realized I was developing a strange crush on Lauren and I knew it was not the best thing in the world to have her get inside my head or my heart. I set the phone back down and headed to bed, curling up into my blankets and surrounding my head in pillows, hoping the plush feathers would block anymore thoughts from breaking in. I eventually fell asleep replaying the kiss over for the millionth time, my last thought was "what is happening, it's like I am a sixteen year old girl again."

that night I dreamt of Andy, I had not dreamt about him in months and months. the dream was so vivid and so real I could smell everything around me, the sand, the blood, the smoke residue. I did everything I did that day in trying to save him, then the bombs came and as I threw myself over Andy to protect him from the dust and shrapnel I looked down at him. he wasn't covered in blood, he was clean and fresh faced as in the picture that his parents had sent me in a letter, thanking me for doing what I could to save their boy. Andy looked up at me, very innocent blue eyes, he reached up and put a hand on my shoulder pushing me away, "its okay Bo. I am safe, and now you are safe. you don't have to forget us, just let us go." I looked at him confused, he pointed behind me. I looked up and saw the faces of everyone that I had tried to save and couldn't. All of them, smiling at me, broken bodies whole again. I stood up and started sobbing, I reached out to touch them and that's when a huge boom and a flash of light hit. I woke up gasping and sobbing uncontrollably. I fell out of bed and barely made it to the bathroom before I threw up. I was shaking so bad and crying so hard I didn't hear Grace come in, frantically asking me what had happened, why I was sobbing. I didn't even feel her as she wrapped her arms around me and I cried in her arms until I passed out.

I woke up a few hours later, in my bed with Grace snoring lightly next to me. it was a little after six in the morning, I was beyond exhausted and could barely move. I called Leeds and called off sick for the day. there was no way I could go to work, my head was a mess for more reasons than one.

I spent the day in bed, Grace doting over me like a mother hen. I could see on her face she wanted to ask me what had happened during the night and what happened when I was in Iraq, but she couldn't find the proper moment. she finally left me to make some breakfast, I laid in the bed looking out the window, watching the morning fog lift and dissipated into the rising sun. I closed my eyes, I was so tired and I could barely keep them open. I wanted to fall asleep so badly but I was scared, I didn't want to dream anymore. maybe I would have Grace fill the prescription I had, I needed to sleep and I was running out of options to make it happen. as I reached for the bedside table drawer my phone rang. I picked it up and saw Lauren was calling. my heart skipped, I answered the phone, "hello."

"Lt. Dennis. Petty officer Leeds has informed me that you are taking a sick day?" Laurens voice was steady with authority.

I covered my eyes with my arm, "yes, I think I have the flu." I lied, but my voice was shaky from nerves and being exhausted that it added to my lie.

"you are to call me and inform me if you are unable to make your commitments. I have a room full of medical students who have no idea what to do for the day. Wasting time is not something we do here at RNH." her words felt harsher as her firm tone pronounced key words.

I was suddenly angry, Lauren was definitely moody today, i couldn't hold it in, "well I won't waste anymore of your time, commander, but I won't be in today. I have the flu." I hung up on Lauren and threw my phone on the floor. I covered my head with my arms trying not to yell out my frustration. Lauren was under my skin in more ways than one and it was pushing me to places I hated for more reasons than one.

I ate breakfast in bed and later on Kenzi came over, Grace had called her and I was actually really happy to see Kenzi and her infamous, endless abundant energy come rolling in like a tumbleweed.

Kenzi threw herself onto my bed and turned on the TV that had not been on ever. I smiled as she flipped through channels, "well its nice to know the TV actually works."

Kenzi looked at me, "what? you mean you never turned this brand new fab boob tube on?"

I shook my head, "All I do in here is try to sleep, stare out the window and maybe read."

"well, shit, we need to get you back into the swing of things." she flipped through channels like she was a race car driver, a hundred around the bends.

Kenzi rambled as she searched for something to watch. she talked about her work, talked about the upcoming weekend, then asked me if I had chatted with sally.

"no, I texted her a few times, but I am so not interested in her. she will be a good friend but…"

Kenzi looked at me, "but! I know when you say that there is another object of desire that has your eyes on them. Soooo who is it? A tall handsome male surgeon? Or a tall handsome lady marine?" she wiggled her eyebrows at me.

I waved it off, "there isn't anyone. I am just not looking for anything right now. I barely got home, getting used to work, dealing with my irritating boss." I sighed hard at the thought of kissing Lauren and then going toe to toe with her for a simple attendance policy infraction.

Kenzi squinted, "that's Lauren right? The sexy, icy, blonde doctor?"

I nodded, "she can be a bit too much. Called me this morning ranting and raving about how I need to inform her if I am calling in. I just can't figure her out, one moment she is a this amazing, impressive doctor shoving authority down my throat then the next she is a quiet vulnerable woman who kissed me." I squeezed the pillow I had in my hands out of frustration as I remembered how soft her lips felt against mine.

"whoa! your boss kissed you?" Kenzi was now sitting right in front of my face. Her bright blue eyes, blinking at me, brighter as they contrasted against her black hair. "Start talking now Bo Bo."

I cringed, I had not meant to let that part out. "shit. yes. she kissed me yesterday, i was trying to help her after she had a patient go south on her."

Kenzi was all a fluster, "wait wait wait, WAIT. You have been bitching about this Commander Doctor Lauren Lewis since the beginning. Now she is kissing you?" Kenzi looked at me hard then suddenly her eyes got wide, "Shit damn! it's her. She is the other one that makes you not like Sally." she pointed hard at me. I shook my head, "no no no no no." I covered my face with a pillow.

"it is! you have a crush! you are denying like you did in grade eight when I called you out on the crush you had on our soccer coach, 'member her? Coach Kathleen! Haha!" Kenzi bounced in her spot, smiling and swatting at me.

I threw the pillow at Kenzi, "stop! its not like that at all." Even though secretly, deep down classified secrets secretly, it kind of was exactly like that. I had a massive crush on our soccer coach when I was thirteen, the feeling I had in my stomach was the same now as it was then.

Kenzi flopped down on her stomach and put her head up on propped elbows, "so, spill. she kissed you! I had no idea she was into lady lurves."

"I did. I caught her on a date with Nancy, the pharmaceutical rep that has been texting non stop to go out for one drink? She was at the restaurant we were at." I told Kenzi the bar story. When I was done she rolled around on the bed like a teenager giggling. I kept hitting her with a pillow, "stop. I don't like her, she is rude to me and has this stupid air about her that she cant even step out of for a moment to be a real human. the kiss, it was what it was. I don't think it was anything to her, just something to make herself feel better, boost her ego? I really don't know, she is hard to read and understand at times."

"I bet she likes you just as much as you like her, but she can't handle giving into her emotions. make her ego seem less, perhaps?" Kenzi was doing her best to analyze.

"I don't even care to think about it or her. I just really want these last few months to hurry up and be done. I am free and clear and wont ever have to see Lauren again." as the words came out I felt a sudden pang of sadness, never seeing Lauren again, something I had a feeling I would not like as much I thought I would.

Kenzi pointed at me, poking me in the chest, "you love her or are falling for her. I know that face, I know that look. it was the same you had for that Dyson whore." Kenzi squinted at me, "And I am certain that you are giving her as much shit as she is giving you, you are one sassy pants mutha trucka since you came home. I can imagine you have pissed her off once or twice, meaning she is just giving back what she is getting."

I cringed when I heard Dyson's name. Dyson was the last one I had any feelings for, matter as fact the last person I had any feelings for since I left for the navy. I just stared at Kenzi and shrugged. "im just not ready Kenzi, I need to feel home before I start feeling anything else."

Kenzi frowned and pulled me into a huge hug, "feel the good things, it will force the bad things out."

I hugged Kenzi back hoping she was right but knowing I was a long way from that, no matter how much Lauren made my heart feel like it could be mine again.

Kenzi stayed with me the entire weekend and for the first time I was feeling calm, we hung around the house, walked for hours around the house and sat with Grace talking about when Kenzi and I were kids. how Kenzi was the one who forced the New York out of my accent and how Grace had to put the lady back in the half russian, half cockney accent Kenzi taught me.

it was an incredible weekend, I checked my phone a few times and had one text message from Lauren that I deleted before reading it. after that I shut the phone off and hid it in the drawer. I needed to clear Lauren out of my head, it would be Monday and I would have to deal with her reprimand or whatever she could throw my way for not respecting her attendance policies.

Monday came too quickly, I dragged myself out of bed, having only slept for a few hours. I had shitty dreams all weekend long but they were less intense than normal, and I would wake up with a start. the sound of Kenzi snoring on the couch across from me, that we brought in for her to sleep on, was the only thing that filled my room. it kept me calm, having someone around me and I could settle myself without too much effort. I had my fingers crossed that the nightmare I had about Andy was the climax to my torment and everything after would just be a slow downhill slide into normalcy.

I dressed and as I got halfway to the hospital I had an urge to call in again, maybe I could call in and quit. I talked myself out of quitting, I had a commitment to finish and it would mean a lifetime of doing nothing when it was all done, I just had to keep moving through the months. I took the stairs to my office, trying to avoid everyone. I got to my office and checked my email, my day brightening up when I read an email from Lauren informing everyone that she would be out of the office for the week, up in Manchester for a week long health conference. a week. I would not have to see her or deal with her, it was more time that I could shake her out from under my skin. I could do my job, teach and not have to have her breathing down my neck. more than anything I would not have to confront the kiss incident or the fact that I had feelings building for her, they would be gone by the time she came back. At least I hoped

I went to class with a spring in my step.

the week went quickly, I taught with more zeal than before, I wanted to make sure each one of these young officers would be prepared for the combat zone if ever it came their way. I took them to another hospital and watch as trauma after trauma came in and how the trauma team worked like a well oiled engine, all parts moving together in perfect harmony. I finished out the week on a high, my students were testing well and I was getting good remarks from them in return. I drove home on Friday feeling great, I had not thought about Lauren or our kiss in a couple of days and not seeing her made it easier to push her out of my head. I was in such a good mood that I planned to come in the next day, on my day off to knock out the student evaluations.

I quickly regretted my Saturday visit decision when I saw how involved the evaluations were, I groaned as I had to write essays about strengths and weaknesses of each student. it took me all day to get through half of them and as I was finishing up the last three, the clock was tipping close to nine at night. I wanted to go home and sit, watch movies with bits and grace, drink a beer and eat popcorn. I was filling out the last few lines when my phone rang, I picked it up, "Lt. Dennis."

"Commander Lewis is in trouble, there is a man in trauma, he has a gun." Leeds voice was urgent and full of fear.

I had forgotten that Lauren was doing back to back weekends in the trauma unit, the doctor who was to do it this weekend had called off so he could play golf.

I didn't even ask Leeds the details, I slammed the phone down and ran for the stairs. My heart dropped when Leeds uttered that one sentence, and was pounding with each step. I had heard the incoming trauma bell come over the loudspeaker, on the weekends it went through the entire hospital so wherever the on call doctor was, they could hear it, I didn't pay much attention to it. it was a rainy day and there was a beer festival going on two blocks away, I just figured drunken brawlers would be coming in and out through the night.

I heard the yelling as I pushed through the trauma doors. a man's voice yelling frantically, "I want to talk to someone in charge!"

I slowly came around the corner, what I saw gave me a feeling that I had my first week in Iraq. pure unmitigated fear mixed with adrenaline.

a young man, in his early twenties, bleeding heavily from a cut on his head, obviously drunk, had Lauren in his grasp, elbow around her neck and a 9mm pistol in his right hand, waving it erratically and occasionally pointing it at Lauren. the entire trauma team was standing away from him, paralyzed as to what to do next. A couple of the male orderlies tried to be the hero and talk to the young man, only resulting in him yelling at them to shut up and pointing the gun their way. I kept looking around at everyone, all were paralyzed with fear to the bone. I caught Lauren eyes, glassy with tears and staring right at me, she squeezed them shut as soon as my eyes made contact with hers. my heart choked at the sight of her and every fiber of my being was filled up by her. I took a deep breath, feeling the adrenaline rise, I had to do something. I let out the breath and whispered, "fuck it."

I took a step forwards, catching the young mans attention, he swung the 9mm towards me, "you! are you fucking in charge of this shithole?" before answering I sized up the young man. he screamed soldier, the army issue buzz cut gave him away. his deep, sad brown eyes stared through me and past me, it was the stare that one only got from combat experience. on the arm that was around Lauren I glimpsed a tattoo slipping out from underneath his sleeve. it was the symbol of a US army unit, one that I saw often on soldiers who came to me on stretchers. this young man had seen more than his fair share of hell.

i nodded at the soldier, "yes I am in charge of this place, Lieutenant Bo Dennis, USN. how can I help you?" I kept moving forward as the soldier seemed confused by my introduction. the gun still pointed at me, "you are American?" he stared at me harder, as if searching for the answer, I was also out of uniform, adding to the confusion.

"you bet, its my day off, no uniform today, and by your non limey accent I am going to guess you are as well." I laid on my American accent thick to build trust with the soldier.

he jabbed the gun at me, "stop moving, ma'am"

I did as he asked, I met his eyes and saw he really was just a scared kid, he swallowed hard, "I want painkillers, but this bitch," he yanked Lauren towards him, making her yelp a little, "she wont give them to me." he squeezed her hard, forcing her hands to grab at his arm. I had to hold back from reaching for her.

I spoke evenly, "I bet I can get you what you need. but will you tell me your name? make it a little more casual around here." I smiled lightly trying to ease the soldier.

he was looking around nervously, "PFC. Joe Dillinger, ma'am, US army, 1st division."

"the big red one. you guys are some tough soldiers."

"thank you ma'am" Joe seemed to relax a small bit.

I started stepping forward, "Private Dillinger, can I take a look at your head? its bleeding pretty badly."

Joe jerked back, "no, stay where you are. I just want the painkillers." Joe absently reached up and started rubbing his temple, "just fucking hurry up and give them to me."

I had seen soldier upon soldier come in after a IED incident, they all had head trauma that could be compared to the worst headache you ever head magnified by a million. it caused a few to lose sanity when the migraines got so bad. "Where were you stationed Joe? Your headache, from an IED blast?"

Joe glared at me, "Fallujah. " he stared at me and for some reason, trust fell between us, "my Humvee rolled, I made it out." he tapped his head with the gun, "big chunk of metal jammed into my brain." his anger started to build up again, I took a step closer seeing pure panic in Lauren.

I kept talking, "you have nightmares, every night." Joe stared past me again, I kept walking slowly, taking a deep breath, I had to end this standoff. I kept walking and talking, "nightmares so vivid, you can feel the burn of the desert sun." just empty stares replied to me. "I do too, Joe. every night I wake up screaming. I was on the border, near Baghdad, 85th mash unit. I saw amazing guys like you every night and day. I can help, Joe. I understand your pain, lets put the gun down and work it out, together."

Joe suddenly went off, screaming, making Lauren tear up again, "how the fuck do you know about pain! you are just a fucking rear officer sitting on the sidelines as the rest of us get dealt this fucked up hand." he tapped at his head again. during his rant I had gotten so close I could reach out and grab the gun. I kept talking. looking at Lauren, trying to reassure her when all I wanted to do was grab her and pull her to me.

You are right Joe, us officers do sit in the back, watching. but not me, Joe. I was in the front side by side with you guys. I know pain."

"the fuck you do." he squeezed Lauren tighter and put the gun against her.

"I do Joe." I started to unbutton the shirt I was wearing and pulled up my t-shirt underneath, revealing the splatter of small pink scars across my right side. "I went out on a rescue mission, I was the only doctor around, it didn't matter that I was a female, or a officer, just that I was a doctor. I was in the lead truck, we were in a hurry, the driver swerved and smacked into a roadside bomb the disposal team dug up earlier in the day. the explosion threw me out of the truck like I was a cheap toy, that's all I really remember." I looked down at my scars that I avoided looking at on a daily basis, "they dug out at least a pound of metal." I looked back up at Joe, I was now standing right in front of him. Lauren was crying uncontrollably. I held my hand out to Joe, looking in his eyes that were also full of tears. "let me have the gun, I promise I will take care of you." he nodded slowly and lowered the gun from Lauren. He was starting to hand it to me.

as he let Lauren go, she ran to the nurses' station leaning against the edge of the desk, I could see she was worried about me as I walked closer to an armed, disparaged man. I smiled, "its ok, no one got hurt and neither will you Joe." he nodded in agreement. I was an inch away from the gun being in my hands when the trauma doors swung open, shouts filling the room. The police came rushing in, yelling, and startling Joe.

I heard the loud firecracker popping sound that was all too familiar to me and a burning sensation run through my body. I looked at Joe confused, he was looking down, then suddenly was tackled by a police officer. the last thing I heard before I fell to the floor and blackness swallowed me was Lauren screaming, "oh god Bo, no!" and Joe yelling, "you scared me! I didn't mean to do it." then the overwhelming sounds of yelling and people rushing past me carried me deeper into the darkness.

I woke up, disoriented. It took me a long time to figure out I was in my own bedroom. what kept me confused was that even though I was in my own bedroom, I was hooked up to IVs and there was medical supplies sitting on my desk. I tried to sit up but the intense pain in my shoulder forced me to sit back down. I pulled my covers back and looked over; right under my right collarbone was a large bandage that was soaked in blood. I stared, trying to remember what happened. when I reached down and poked the wound it hurt so bad that I ended up passing out from the pain, my last thought was I found it fascinating that my existing scars seemed to skirt the edge of whatever wound was now there, as if it was ignoring the new scar like a new kid to the old neighborhood. I was definitely out of my mind and wondered if my lack of sleep was now affecting my sanity.