Kurt fell asleep against the door and when he awoke four hours later, his back hurt, his legs were asleep and he wasn't sure where he was. When the events of the night flooded back into his mind, he regretted waking up at all. He got up and stumbled to the bathroom. He splashed his face with water and checked his phone. He had received no messages or calls. He felt relieved and disappointed at the same time. He wasn't sure what he wanted. Well he knew what he wanted. He wanted Dave to leave that asshole, come back to his apartment tell him he loved him too and then finally kiss him. But that wasn't likely to happen and now he just hoped it wasn't too late for him to apologize and claim he was drunk and that he really just wanted to be friends with Dave. He sat on the couch and watched his phone for an hour and then two, and after six hours of waiting for any contact, he gave up and went to bed.
Dave didn't call him the next day either, and after the six days of silence, Kurt realized it was over. Dave was in love with Mac, and chose him over his friendship with Kurt. It wasn't even that surprising to him. He had violated the one rule Dave had and hadn't even bothered to reveal his ill begotten feelings in private, either. Rachel tried to get him to cheer up and not give up hope that Dave would contact him and it would blow over, but even she had to acknowledge that Kurt's outburst wasn't exactly well planned and that Dave just needed some time to figure out that even though he liked Mac, Kurt's outburst did come from a place of love.
That wasn't very much help or solace, as Rachel continued to tell him that Dave did care about him, he just didn't know what to do about the whole situation. Kurt asked her how many times she and Brady had hung out with Dave since the whole incident, and he was crushed when he found out that they hung out every weekend and that Kurt wasn't invited, because Dave didn't want Mac to feel uncomfortable or unwelcome.
So Rachel and Brody started hanging out with him on Friday evenings, so that they could still be best friends. It was nearing the three-month mark of no contact with Dave, when he suggested that they go to a new barbecue restaurant that just opened a few blocks away. One of Kurt's classmates got a job there and offered to get them a reservation. So on a Friday evening in October, they went out for dinner. The dinner was great and Kurt enjoyed his banana pudding. Rachel suggested going to see a live show that was being put on by NYU. Kurt didn't want to go, because the mere thought of NYU reminded him of Dave too much, be he didn't want to piss off Rachel. So they went.
The walked in just as the second opening act was getting ready to start. It was a young singer songwriter named Erick Macek. He was cute and talented. Kurt enjoyed the act. He didn't really care for the headline act, which was John Mayer, but Brody loved him. After Erick finished his set, Kurt told Rachel he was going to see if he had any albums for sale and that he'd be back for the headline act.
He went into the lobby and looked for the table. Just as he getting ready to buy a c.d., he heard a familiar voice behind him.
"I know you hate this kind of music, Mac, but I like it, besides we got free tickets from Rachel and Brody."
"Fine, but don't expect me to enjoy myself."
Dave just rolled his eyes and they walked into the concert hall.
Kurt tensed up. Fucking Rachel. Of course she'd invited Mac and Dave to the show.
Rachel was always getting free concert tickets from her understudies at NYADA. Rachel was always cast as the lead in the school plays, and her understudies, almost always rich white girls with daddies who would buy them anything would bribe her with being "sick" for one performance so they could shine.
So this is what her sudden bout of laryngitis last weekend was all about.
He quickly paid for his album and headed back to their section. He had to beat them there, so that he didn't have to make it uncomfortable by squeezing in to their row.
He slipped back into the row and pretended to be in deep conversation with Rachel about the album when Dave and Mac arrived.
Dave hugged Rachel and told her they couldn't find their section and apologized for being late. Mac had a dinner he couldn't have gotten out of tonight and asked when John Mayer was supposed to go on.
Rachel assured him they were right on time and told Brody and Kurt to scoot over. Rachel quickly slid past Kurt and took the seat next to Brody, leaving two open seats next to Kurt on the end.
He fucking loathed Rachel in that moment, because he knew what was going to happen. Dave would be sitting next to him the entire night and would torture him with his presence.
Mac thanked Rachel for the tickets and greeted everyone. Kurt had been largely ignored by everyone up until Mac turned to him.
"Oh, I didn't realize you'd be invited, Kurt."
No greeting, just a "what the fuck are you doing here".
Kurt felt about three feet tall.
Rachel spoke up, "Oh yes. Kurt got us into that brand new barbecue restaurant by our school. It was awesome and I had an extra ticket, and Kurt is really into this kind of music, aren't you Kurt?"
Kurt's hate for Rachel started to subside.
"Yeah, I really do."
Rachel continued,
"In fact, I think it was Kurt who got Dave into this kind of music, right, Dave?"
Dave blushed slightly and looked away.
Mac looked back and forth between Dave and Kurt, who refused to look at each other.
"Is that true, David."
"Yeah, I guess. He took me to quite a few concerts last year."
Mac just nodded and took his seat, "Well I hope you enjoy this one."
Dave settled in next to Kurt, who immediately tensed up.
Even though they were sitting next to each other, Dave hadn't even said one word to him or acknowledged that he was in front of him.
It fucking hurt. Kurt wanted to cry, but instead he sat silently and watched John Mayer perform on stage. Rachel squeezed his hand lightly and whispered to him to talk to Dave, but Kurt wasn't going to break first. So he sat there and suffered in silence. John Mayer started to sing and play guitar and it wasn't as bad as Kurt thought it would be.
Then came the song. He had heard it before, but never really heard it before tonight. This song was about being in love with someone and having the relationship fall apart, and that being friends wasn't enough. The last part of the song was "Anything less than yes is no, anything other than stay is go. Anything less than I love you, is lying". Kurt tensed as John Mayer sang it over and over. He couldn't be in that room anymore. Not with this song and sitting next to the person that reminded him the most of that song. So he excused himself, quickly shuffled past them and all but ran outside.
It was a cool evening and he gasped in gulps of airs, trying to clear his head and get away from the suffocating presence of Dave the overwhelming weight of his feelings. He didn't even need to turn around when he heard a throat clearing behind him. Dave had come after him. Kurt didn't want to face him, but it was just as well that Dave saw his complete breakdown.
Kurt stood up and faced him.
He fixed his scarf, tugged on his jacket and then folded his arms. He watched Dave. They watched each other for what felt like an eternity, before Dave took a step towards him. Kurt stepped back.
"What do you want, Dave?"
Dave's face fell for a minute, and then he masked it and took a step back.
"Rachel told me I should check on you."
"Did she? And what are you going to tell her?"
"What do you want me to tell her?"
Kurt just rolled his eyes and tried to walk past Dave. This was pointless and he hated that the first time Dave talked to him in months was because he felt bad for him.
Dave grabbed his arm before he could push past him.
"Stop, Kurt."
"Why? So you can make me feel even worse?"
"I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I am worried about you though."
"Really? Now? You feel bad for me, after not speaking to me nearly four months?"
Dave winced at that.
"It's not like I didn't want to talk to you, but you don't understand."
"Understand what? I get it perfectly, Dave. You chose your boyfriend over your best friend. Or friend, or someone you tolerate. At this point, I have no idea what you considered me."
"You are my best friend, Kurt."
"Really? You ignore your other best friends for four months? Maybe, I should call Azimio and ask him about that one. Oh wait, you stopped talking to him after he got married to someone you didn't like."
Dave started to looked pissed,
"That's a low blow, Kurt. Azimio and I aren't talking anymore, because he was a fucking homophobe."
"Really? Because what you told me is that he was confused about your sexuality and wanted to know more, and you told him to fuck off, because he didn't immediately welcome you with open arms and offer to go to gay pride parades with you."
Dave threw his hands up,
"Fine, you want to make me the bad guy here? Whatever. I wasn't the one who treated my boyfriend like shit and then kick everyone out; including me after I claimed I was in love with you."
Kurt couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"Okay, so being in love with you is my greatest sin, and apparently worthy of four months' worth of the silent treatment. I wasn't aware that was how it worked. Thanks for clarifying."
"I couldn't, okay? You may not get it, or don't care, but I like Mac, a lot. And he loves me."
"Awesome. I'm happy for you."
"Just listen to me for a minute. I know that you're upset and mad at me. But I won't apologize for following my heart and if you were really my friend, you wouldn't ask me to choose between you and Mac."
"Okay, so let me get this straight, I'm in love with you and instead of telling you or hoping you might feel the same, I'm supposed to just let you be happy with someone else?"
"You are not in love with me, and even if you are, I don't want that."
Kurt didn't think his heart could have broken more, but in that moment the rest of it shattered.
"You don't want me to love you?"
"No. I told you that when we first started hanging out. It's not my fault that you said you wouldn't and then did. If anything, I should be the one upset with you for breaking your promise."
Kurt was beginning to think it was Dave that didn't care about his feelings at all and the fact those four months apart didn't really upset Dave all that much.
"At least that would explain why you quit talking to me for four months."
"Don't blame that on me, Kurt. You belittled and demeaned my boyfriend, then kicked him out of your apartment. You really thought I'd want to stick around and cheer you up, because you were having a temper tantrum that I couldn't spend all my free time with you anymore?"
"That is not even close to why I was upset and kicked him out, Dave. The fact that you refuse to acknowledge that I was in love with you and instead ignored me for four months after I poured my heart out to you lets me know that you never really cared about me at all. And I guess I deserved it for falling in love with you, and believe me I have beaten myself up every day for that, wondering if I had just kept my mouth shut that we would still be friends. I can tell you one thing though, John Mayer is right."
"What are you talking about, Kurt?"
"The words to his song, "anything other than yes is no, anything other than stay is go, anything less than I love you is lying". I don't want to be your friend. If this is what friendship with you is like, just forget it. It hurts too much. It hurts knowing that even though I do love you, you don't or can't love me back. And honestly I know the heart wants who it wants, whatever, but you didn't even care enough about our friendship to talk to me about it, and get past it.
"You didn't try and contact me either."
"I texted you, called you, emailed you, and asked Rachel to give you at least three notes. So how is that not trying to contact you?"
Dave started pacing back and forth,
"Kurt, don't make me out to the bad one in this situation. You put me in an awful position and I'm tired of trying to justify it to you and Rachel and Brody. I want to be with Mac."
"Okay fine, Dave. You got it. You are not to blame. Everything that happened is my fault alone. Now please go back to Mac and be happy with him."
Kurt tried to leave again and this time instead of Dave grabbing his arm, he grabbed him around the neck and pulled him close. Then Dave was kissing him and Kurt thought he might die or pass out. He knew this opportunity was fleeting and so he grasped on to Dave as tightly as he could and kissed back.
It was glorious and everything Kurt had ever wanted out of a kiss, and then it was over. Dave pushed him away. Looked down at his shoes, up at the sky, and rubbed his head.
"I have to get back."
And then Dave was walking away.
Kurt felt like someone had poured ice water on him and punched him at the same time. He was devastated and watched as Dave walked toward the front door. Then he was livid. No fucking way in hell was Dave getting away with that.
He ran back as fast as he could and shoved Dave against the wall.
"No. Fuck you, Dave."
Dave looked exhausted as he stood there staring down sadly at Kurt.
"What now, fancy?"
"First of all, don't fucking call me that, you asshole. Secondly, how fucking dare you? You don't contact me for four months, then you tell me everything is my fault, tell me you don't want me to love you, tell me you'll never love me, tell me how much you want to be with someone else, and then fucking kiss me? Really? No. I don't deserve that. No matter what went down four months ago, I don't deserve this."
Kurt was crying now. He was so heartbroken, confused, and angry. This is not how he was supposed to be spending his Friday evening.
Dave's voice cracked as he tried to calm Kurt down.
"Kurt, stop. I know. I don't know what to do."
"What do you mean? You seemed pretty sure about ten minutes ago."
"I have always had feelings for you, Kurt. But I don't think that you and I would work. There is far too much history between us, and you will ultimately end up with someone who is perfect like Blaine or Adam. I don't want to hold you back from finding your true love, while I'm still trying to figure out who I am and what I want. Mac is not going to be the last man I'll ever love or be with, but I don't think I could handle being with you knowing that I'm not the last man that you'll ever love."
"Why are you so worried about what's going to happen in the future? You don't know that. You don't know that I won't fall so in love with you that I decide you're the last man I ever want."
"But you also can't promise me that either. Can you? Can you tell me right now that you won't dump me for someone better like Blaine Anderson?"
"No. But you can't promise me that you won't dump me for Blaine Anderson either."
"Actually I can. I would never dump you for a hobbit or anyone else for that matter."
"Right. Seems to me you dumped me for Mac."
"I didn't dump you. We weren't together."
"But you could have been and instead you chickened out."
"I'm not having this argument with you again."
Dave looked exasperated and was looking at Kurt like he was a child and it pissed him off.
"This is so fucking stupid, David. You don't want to be with me, because I may hypothetically in the future at some point, want to be with someone other than you, so you won't even try taking a risk. That's pathetic. Go be with Mac and live your life of safety. I think that goes to show what a scared, little boy you still are and probably will always be."
Dave flinched at those words thrown back at him.
"Kurt, please…"
"I guess John was right, Dave. Friends, lovers or nothing. I choose nothing."
With that, Kurt hailed a cab and got in. He looked back to see an annoyed Dave. He rode back to his apartment in tears.