Grandma Sue leaves two weeks later after stuffing them with amazing food and embarrassing stories of David's childhood and Kurt can't help but actually start to imagine that he is really married to Dave for real and it wasn't a stupid decision on their part. As soon as she leaves though, Dave is packing up all of his stuff and is ready to get back to his apartment in Chicago and his job.
They don't really talk for a few days until Dave calls him and tells him they need to get the marriage annulled and they need to do it as soon as possible, because Dave needed to focus on his job and hopefully getting Jamie back. Kurt agreed to meet him in Lima the following weekend and they met at the Lima Bean. Kurt's last memory of the coffee shop had been running into Sebastian and Blaine there the previous winter when they told him they were getting married in Vermont and living there and Kurt couldn't help but feel a bit blue, not because he still had feelings for Blaine, but because he was no closer to getting married. Kurt laughed under his breath at that thought, he was actually married and he had been married before Sebastian and Blaine. Unfortunately, he didn't get the romantic proposal or a willing groom. He ordered a vanilla latte and sat down at a table near the back facing the back.
He knew when Dave came in though, because he could smell his cologne and if there was one thing Kurt had come to realize he missed when he had lived with Dave for those two weeks as husbands for the sake of Dave's grandma, was Dave's cologne and the socks he left laying all over the apartment, or how he'd always make his coffee in the morning and then would rinse out of the filter and replace it with a new one, so that Kurt could make his tea. It was things like that that gave Kurt hope that Dave did care about him a little bit, even if he was mad at him for talking him into getting married.
Dave sat down across from him and sighed,
"You look like shit, Fancy."
"Thanks, David."
"Have you been sleeping?"
Kurt didn't want to make small talk with Dave, when he knew the only reason was there was to get his freedom, so he could go be with another man.
"Listen, David. I know you didn't come here to pretend to give a shit about me. What did the attorney say?"
Dave dropped his eyes and played with his hands,
"We can't get an annulment."
Kurt thought he misheard Dave and asked him to repeat himself.
"We cannot get an annulment, Kurt."
"Why the hell not?"
"We got married in Las Vegas, so the annulment laws where we get married take affect."
"And what does that mean?"
"It means, we have to live in Las Vegas for six weeks and show proof of residency in order to get an annulment in Nevada. I don't have six fucking weeks to live with you anywhere, let alone Las Vegas."
"So what does that mean? Do we have to get divorced?"
"I guess so, but even then it could take up to six months before we're legally divorced and I know that Grandma Sue is going to hate me."
"Just tell her I tricked you into marriage and that it's my fault."
"You don't get it, Kurt. She fucking adored you. She thought you were the like the motherfucking fairy of hope and light. She still calls me almost every day and tells me how glad she is that I found someone like you and she's forgiven me for eloping."
"I'm sorry, that your grandmother liked me. If it helps I can be an asshole the next time I see her."
"No, because she'll probably assumed I did something and yell at me and then she won't leave me alone until I fucking kiss you or something. I fucking hate this."
"I'm sorry that I got you into this."
"It wasn't completely your fault, Kurt."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, the lady at the chapel we got married at sent me the video of our wedding and the pictures to my email. I think we were both pretty set on getting married."
"There is video of our wedding?"
"Yeah, but you're not going to like it."
"Why not?"
"It's just that we chose a theme and I talked you into it and I'm regretting it now."
"Just fucking tell me what our wedding theme was."
"I think I have to show you."
Dave pulled his laptop out of the bag he had brought in.
He started the video and Kurt cringed.
He had on a powder blue suit with a ruffled shirt. Dave had on a yellow suit. They were the fucking suits from Dumb and Dumber. He was tripping over himself as they prepared to get married.
And then the lights went down and the ceremony started and Kurt walked down the aisle toward Dave, when all of a sudden the spotlight went up on a Liberace performer. It was a fucking Liberace theme and Kurt wanted to drop dead of embarrassment. He had picked a Liberace themed wedding.
He stopped the video and groaned,
"Who else has seen this?"
Dave hung his head in shame again,
"Well I was really mad at you after this whole fiasco and so I emailed it to Rachel. She may have emailed it to all of our friends."
"Well, okay, I mean at least that's easy to contain."
"You don't get it, Kurt. She emailed it to all of my friends. Sebastian was on the list."
"Sebastian Smythe saw our wedding video?"
"Yes and he in turn forwarded it to everyone he's ever had in his email list."
"So?"
"That includes Finn, Kurt. Our parents know."
Kurt wanted to cry.
"Our parents know that we're married?"
"Yes. And my dad is freaking ecstatic, I thought he was winning the lottery or something and even my mom told me she was glad I found someone. My mom, Kurt."
"So what does this have to do with us?"
"Santana and Brittany and Rachel have decided to throw us a wedding reception tonight and invited all of our families."
"So you want to go pretend to be married for one more night and then start divorce proceedings tomorrow?"
"Well, I was thinking, maybe we could just stay married for a bit."
Kurt nearly choked on his coffee.
"You want to stay married to me?"
"Not forever, but just until this whole thing blows over and we can come up with a valid excuse for getting divorced."
"So what exactly does that entail?"
"We do a long distance marriage, while you wrap up your job in New York City, I'm in Chicago setting up my new office and we see each other every weekend in Lima."
"So you want to lie to everyone we know about being married?"
"I just don't want to disappoint my parents or grandmother, Kurt."
"So let me get this straight, in order to make your family happy, you want me to put my life on hold, go to Lima every weekend to pretend to be your husband, so that we can get divorced down the road so you can be with Jamie?"
"It's not like that, Kurt. You don't have to put your life on hold. I don't care if you see other guys and you don't have to be in Lima every weekend. I mean that could be the excuse we use, you were just too busy with work and we grew apart."
"Okay, just for reference, you want me to be the reason we end up getting divorced, so that you get to look like the good guy?"
"Kurt, it's not a competition about who did what, we just need to make this look better."
"What? The fact that you and I both agreed we wanted to get married and then we did and now you're trying to make up for it by deceiving everyone around us, is better? Honestly, I'd rather just own up to the mistake and move on."
"Yeah, but you can do that and everyone will just sigh and laugh at you, and think that I coerced you into it."
"Who exactly would think that? My parents know that you and I became friends, Finn knows it, Rachel knows everything. Who else is going to think that?"
"How about every other person in Lima, the ones who have known us since were in high school? I don't want to give them any more reason to make me feel like shit."
"So where exactly were you planning on having us stay in Lima if we're both coming back? We can't stay with my parents or yours."
"Rachel's dad's told me we could use their guest house."
"You talked to Rachel's dads?"
"They were excited about our wedding and wanted to help out."
"So, if we do this, I'm going to fly in every weekend to live with you in Rachel's dad's guest house and then fly back to New York City every week? And who is going to pay for this?"
"I already put us on a frequent flier account with, Delta. I fly for work a lot and have already saved up enough miles for three flights."
"Alright, seems like you have everything worked out. I only have one other question. How do we deal with other guys?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean if I want to bring a guy home, do I take him to our guest house, or should I get a hotel room? And if Jamie comes to visit you, where do you go?"
"You really think that's going to be an issue in Lima?"
"I'm just saying, if I meet someone, I need to know the rules."
"Fine. We'll get a hotel room, okay? Take all of your lovers there and if Jamie ever comes here I'll take him there. And I don't give fuck where you take your guys when you're in New York City."
"Great, and I don't care what you and Jamie do in Chicago."
"Great."
"So, we have a reception to attend?"
"Yeah, tonight. So we have to pretend for four hours that we are in love and happy to be married."
Kurt scoffed, "You really think you can do that, David?"
Dave rolled his eyes and put his laptop back in his bag,
"Just show up at the hall at eight tonight."
"SO you think it's a good idea to show up separately? I mean that might give the wrong image."
"Fine. I'll pick you up at your parent's. I'm sure you need to go talk to your dad and Carole."
"I'm going to go talk to them, but you can pick me up at your new home, sweetie. I mean we have a new house here right? I think we probably need to live together to make it as authentic as possible."
Kurt could see Dave was struggling to not lose his temper and just smiled sweetly at him.
"Problems with that, honey?"
"No problems, darling, just trying to figure out timing. I'll see you at our house at 7:45 and we'll leave then, okay, baby?"
Kurt's heart leapt at the mention of baby. He fucking loved it when his boyfriends called him that and had to remind himself that Dave wasn't calling him that in endearment.
"Yeah, whatever, sweetie pie."