Woah!

I'm not going to say "Slow down, people!" but... I got a lot of reviews this week (while I was at school) and have just finished reading them. They make me feel all warm inside, so thank you very much.

Disclaimer: Don't own HP!

Chapter 30

I See You in my Nightmares

20th December

The sweet smell of Christmas rose in the air, wafting from the kitchen. Her mother was making her best Christmas cookies and the smell of chocolate chip, nuts, caramel and probably more sugary things had invaded the entire house, mingling with the sharper scents of pine and peppermint. She wasn't about to complain: though she hadn't been able to keep food down since the Battle and had ended up throwing most of it up, her stomach had settled somewhat in the past weeks and she found herself enjoying the smell. Only the day before her mother had been baking gingerbread. Ron had complained about the aggressive scents of the spices, but she had liked them. She had nicked a piece from the kitchen, had eaten it in two seconds flat and had managed to hold it down. There was something to be said about her mother's cooking, especially her mother's Christmas cooking.

"Ginny," Hermione said from where she was doing her homework at the desk. "Didn't your mother just call for you to go downstairs?"

"I think she wants me to help in the kitchen," Ginny said, looking up at the ceiling. She was lying on her bed lazily, doing nothing. "But that's probably not a good idea. I'd give everyone food poisoning."

"In that case, you should do your homework," Hermione said, dipping her quill into the inkwell. "Flitwick gave you an essay, didn't he?"

"School is ages from now, Hermione. I don't feel like working."

"Ginny!" her mother's voice, more insistent this time, rang out once more.

Ginny sat up and sighed. "I suppose I don't have a choice."

"Don't poison the cookies," Hermione said as she left the bedroom.

But when Ginny reached the kitchen, her mother was already taking the last batch of cookies out of the oven. There was no more dough in the bowl beside her. Harry, at the other end of the kitchen, was washing his hands in the sink; from the dough splattered across his red Weasley jumper, Ginny gathered that he had been helping her mother. She froze in the doorway and made to back away, but Harry had seen her. His green eyes fixed her, and she stayed, as though under a spell.

"Hello, Harry," she said, barely managing to force the words out.

"Hi, Ginny," Harry said, sounding almost casual.

Harry was still living at Grimmauld Place, but her family was now back at the Burrow, at home. Her mother had invited everyone over for Christmas – of course she had –, and Harry had come. He had arrived the previous evening, though it had been more like night. She had heard him arrive some time past ten, with an excuse about work keeping him in late. She had heard her mother tell him she was in her room, probably asleep – Ginny had told everyone she had a headache. She had woken up early, a rarity for her, at around six o'clock, just to avoid seeing anyone as she had breakfast, and had used the same excuse about her head to stay upstairs in her bedroom all day. Now, caught as she was in his gaze like a startled deer in the headlights of a car – that was one of Hermione's expressions –, she felt that Harry knew her lie.

"Sweetheart," her mother said, and Ginny wrenched her gaze from Harry's to look at her. She was raking the last of the cookie dough out of the bowl with a wooden spoon. "I called you down so you could eat. You didn't eat much yesterday, and you haven't left your room since last night because of that headache. You must be starving. The cookies are ready; you can have some if you like."

Ginny eyed the platter of cookies on the counter, then looked at Harry again. He was standing just in front of her now.

"I'm not... starving, really."

"Well, you need to eat something," her mother said. "Oh!"

The spoon in her hands squeaked suddenly and she dropped it.

"That'll be George," she said, looking at the same time pleased and annoyed. "He's been Charming everything in the house since he arrived. I think he's bored. Listen, Ginny, I'd feel better if you had something in your stomach. Hermione has gotten so thin lately. You should both take advantage of the holidays to eat a bit more."

"Come on, Ginny," Harry said, lifting the platter with one hand and offering it to her. "I promise I didn't poison them."

Ginny thought of Hermione and smiled. "All right, then," she said, sitting down at the small kitchen table. "Just one."

"Well, you can't eat the whole platter anyway," her mother said. "It'd be nice to leave some for the others! Harry, see to it that she does eat more than one, though, won't you? That's a dear – thank you."

Her traitorous mother left the kitchen, presumably to say something to George about the squeaking spoon, and leaving Ginny alone with Harry.

Harry sat down across from her, laying the platter in front of him. He handed her a cookie and took one himself; for a while, they chewed together in silence.

"Chocolate chip," he said after a moment. "And you?"

"Macademia," she replied.

Her mother's Christmas cookies had also earned the title of surprise cookies because, even though they contained different ingredients, they were indistinguishable before you tasted. For this reason, Ron, who hated raisin cookies, and Percy, who hated oatmeal cookies, never ate any. More for me, Ginny had thought when she was a child.

"So... Did you sleep well?" Harry asked after an awkward pause, brushing crumbs from his fingers.

"Fine," she lied.

"And how's your head?"

"Fine."

She was not going to make this easy for him. She didn't want to talk. Why didn't he just leave her alone? Couldn't he see that this option hurt so much more?

"And how was Hogwarts?"

"Fine."

Harry sighed. "Ginny..." He seemed to be waiting for an answer, but she said nothing. "Ginny, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Can't we just talk the way we used to?" he asked. "I know you're not interested in... a relationship anymore, but can't we at least be friends?"

Her eyes snapped to his. Not interested? She wasn't interested anymore? Did he really think that was it – did he really think she'd stopped caring, just like that?

Did he really think they could ever be just friends?

"I miss you," he said quietly. Then: "Say something, Ginny, please."

"I miss you too," she said, so quietly she thought he might not hear.

There was a pause, and she knew he had.

Then Harry said, "Ginny... How long have you been having nightmares?"

She stiffened, and her face must have revealed some of what she was feeling because Harry explained, quickly, "The silencing spells, the locked door... I did try your door yesterday, you know."

She knew. She had watched the handle lower, the door tremble. She had felt him hesitating to force it open with magic before finally walking away.

"I wanted to talk to you."

She said nothing.

"I do the same," he added, his eyes never leaving her face, waiting for her to react. "Every night since the battle."

"Me, too," Ginny heard herself say. "I never used to. I mean, it was pretty much a lost cause trying to get a little privacy when I was younger, with six brothers and all. Especially Fred and –" her voice caught – "and George. And at Hogwarts, well, you know. But since then, I haven't been able to..."

"Sleep," Harry finished for her. "Is it... because of Fred?"

His words were rushed and he looked wary, like he was scared she would burst into tears. But that was something her mother would do. Ginny rarely cried.

"No," she said instead. "I mean, partly, yes, but not only that. It's just..." She closed her eyes. "It's them," she whispered. "They keep me up at night."

She wasn't sure Harry had heard her, because the silence stretched out for an entire minute. Then:

"You mean the screams?"

"No," she said, opening her eyes in surprise, because it wasn't that at all. "The flashes of light. Green... And the faces. Every time I close my eyes..." She shuddered and stopped because she couldn't go on.

There was another pause, even longer this time. She was eyeing the platter of cookies again when Harry said, in a voice so soft she barely heard him:

"I see you in my nightmares."

It was so sudden, so strange, that she didn't know what to say. Harry went on:

"Every night. The others are there, too – Colin, Padma, Lupin, Tonks... All of them. Screaming..."

His voice was tight with strain, not unlike the tone he used to adopt when shouldering his responsibilities. The tone he had used to tell her they couldn't stay together. She had to stop him, now.

"Harry..." she began, but he didn't stop.

"But the worst," he said, raising his voice to override hers, "is you. You're screaming, too... And I can't stand it."

And suddenly she realized where this was going, what Harry meant to say.

"Harry," she repeated urgently, "please, don't do this to me."

"Ginny," he said back, "please, just look at me."

She didn't understand what he meant until he reached out and tilted her chin up so she was looking right into his eyes. The eyes she had first fallen in love with – wide, green, and so empty now, so pained...

"I miss you," Harry said quietly, and his eyes seemed to mirror his words. "I've always missed you."

It was absurd, but Ginny believed him. He had only noticed her during his sixth year, only fallen for her that recently, but he was telling the truth now.

"Please, Ginny," he said again, stroking her cheek with his thumb.

And she tilted her head back, letting him kiss her.

It was a bland kiss, flavourless and strange. Passionate, maybe, but at the same time without feeling; brutal and alien. She could feel his arms around her and his lips on hers, but it was so unfamiliar, so impersonal that she felt like she was a third party, looking on disinterestedly as a couple kissed in front of her. There was no spark, no need, no love, nothing. Just his pain and her confusion, wrapped around one another for a single, torturous moment.

Then Harry drew back, or maybe Ginny did. She couldn't be sure. And he looked at her again, or maybe she looked at him. His eyes hadn't changed. They were still empty, still hurt. So hurt she had to look away.

They weren't the eyes she had fallen in love with. They, like everything, had changed.

And so had she.

"Ginny," Harry said again, but this time it was different. Before her name had rolled off his lips like he would never tire of saying it; now his voice, like his arms and lips and eyes, had changed. He seemed on the verge of adding something, but he didn't.

"I know," she said.

"I still –"

"I know."

"It's just... if it had been your funeral," he said tentatively, "I could never have forgiven myself. I keep thinking about – about what could have happened, and..."

"I know," she said for the third time, and she meant it.

She couldn't love Harry anymore. She couldn't love this shadow of the person he had been, this shell broken, broken, broken by the responsibilities he hadn't wanted but had chosen to shoulder anyway. And he didn't love her, either. Oh, he missed her; she was willing to believe that. He missed what they once had, what they would have had. But that was the past now.

Aside from my never having been the most enthusiastic Harry/Ginny shipper (though I sometimes find the pairing sweet), I liked this chapter. Probably my sadistic side.

I'm not trying to say that they aren't made for each other – just that they can't be with someone right now, so soon after the war. They're too hurt to deal with that. Ginny was able to see it earlier than Harry, but now he sees it, too. Please forgive me for breaking everyone up just for the fun of it. I just wanted to share something GottaGetBackUp said in a review which I thought was truly beautiful:

"I think everyone just lost a lot in the war, like with any war, and all these fics where they don't kill Sirius, Fred, Dumbledore, etc, just messes it up- while I hated that they all died, it was done for a purpose, because if there's a big war like that, people are going to die, and not just people you don't know- people you're close to, and killing off some of our favorite characters really shows how everyone loses someone."

As always, drop a review to tell me what you thought of it! Also, whose chapters do you enjoy the most? Which is your favourite up until now?

And what's this new Image Manager thing? :D Going to have fun.