Chapter 47

27th May, 1999

What Did They Do to You?

When Katie came over, the blame in her eyes almost killed him.

He hadn't seen her in days. In truth, he hadn't expected to ever see her again. Because Katie was Katie and she would never forgive him. He didn't even want to be forgiven. He was ashamed of what he had done, but he didn't regret it. And that was precisely what she couldn't forgive him for.

And yet here she was, on his doorstep – George's doorstep –, looking up at him with her wide, honest dark eyes and wet lashes as though she'd been crying; he wondered why. There had been a time when he could have swept her into his arms and asked her what was wrong and make her feel better. At the very least he would have said hello. Now, he only stepped aside silently to let her come in. She looked around at the bare walls, the near-empty room.

"This place looks even worse than it used to," she said.

He laughed. He had stored everything in a smaller room at the back. He planned to repaint the place and rearrange the furniture, and for that he had taken away all the products.

"It's going to get better," he assured her. "I just packed everything up to get some cleaning and organising done. In a few months, Weasley's Wizard Wheezes will be opening again."

"That would be nice," she said. "It was a good idea to put the lights back up. Lee, how is George doing?"

George was doing brilliant in Lee's opinion, but brilliant for him wasn't exactly brilliant by Katie's standards. George was surviving in a better way than he had these past few months. His periods of depression had made themselves scarce. He ate. He talked. He had helped Lee sort through the clutter in the shop. He didn't live, he survived.

"He's better," he said finally, smiling softly. "As good at can be expected."

She shot him a disgusted look, and he caught it and understood it. It meant, how can you smile anymore? Since the war, many people begrudged others their happiness. He had been one of them only a few months ago. He had never expected Katie to become one.

"And you? How are you doing, Lee?"

He shrugged. "As good as can be expected," he said again. "Probably better. I wasn't expecting to ever see the light of day again, you know. I thought I'd go to Azkaban for the rest of my life."

He knew it had cost Harry and Kingsley, usually so honest, to pull as many strings as they could and use their reputation as best as they had been able to to save him. He still didn't know exactly why they had done it, but they had.

"You would have deserved it," she said bitterly.

"I would," he agreed. "I mean, I do deserve it. Katie, I don't regret it." He looked straight into her eyes, imprinting his meaning into her. "I don't."

"I know you don't," she said. "It's sick."

Lee nodded. He had expected that.

"Come upstairs," he said, "and you'll see for yourself how George is."

"No, that's fine," she said. "I'll just... stay here for a while. I have to go home soon, anyway."

She looked around the room again, then moved over to a now bare shelf. She traced its dusty edge with a finger.

"I think I remember how it used to be organised," she said softly. "Over there was the Muggle tricks section... And over there, the girls' corner."

"Would you like to come around when we set it back up again?" he offered impulsively.

She looked at him. "No," she said quietly, "I don't think I would."

She blamed him. He disgusted her. She... hated him? No, it wasn't that. Just blame. Quiet, harsh blame in her dark, dark eyes, boring their accusation into him. He had held her in his arms and kissed her and told her he loved her, and now she could hardly bear to stand in the same room as him. Was he really the monster she saw in him? Did he deserve this treatment?

What did it matter, anyway? He had done what he had done.

"Don't," she said sharply, startling him out of his thoughts.

"What?"

"Don't look like that," she said.

"Like what?"

"Like you're – like you don't care anymore."

He smiled, though there was nothing humorous about it. "And if I don't?"

"Then it's even worse than I thought," she said forcefully. "Lee, I don't even recognise you anymore. What did they do to you?"

"'They' killed my best friend."

"So that makes everything all right, then? That makes it all right to torture someone?"

"It wasn't 'someone,' Katie. It was him."

"Rookwood. Yes, I know. The one who murdered Fred." She looked down at the shelf again. "Damn you, Lee, for making such a mess of this all. As though it weren't hard enough already."

"I made a mess of it? It was already a mess, Katie, and you know it."

"I know it, and everyone knows it, but everyone else tried, Lee," she retorted. "Everyone else tried to deal with it the right way. The only way."

"You mean to forget it." His voice was cold.

"No, I mean to accept it," she snapped. "Even George, in his own way... Gods, Lee, even George would never have done that." Her voice rose. "What did you do?"

"Do you want the details?"

He heard her gasp; she grasped the shelf so hard her knuckles went white.

"Damn you, Lee," she said again. "You... Why did you do it?"

"I don't know," he said honestly.

"You didn't have to." She leaned her head against the shelf. "You could have just caught him and thrown him in Azkaban for the rest of his life... Why did you do it?"

"I don't know, Katie," he said again. "I just... It just came over me when I saw him."

"What was it?" she asked. "What did you feel, then? Did you feel justified in what you were doing? Do you feel better now that you've tortured a man?"

"No," he said. "Katie, look at me."

She turned around, her back to the shelf, and looked into his eyes. Confusion had replaced blame in her eyes, and he felt a stab of pain in his heart as he looked at her.

"It's not like that. I didn't do it... because I thought it was the right thing to do. I didn't think about it beforehand. I just... I cast the spell and what I felt, Katie, was hatred, anger, and pain. Not any different from what I felt before."

"So you wasted your career for nothing."

Lee barked. "My career? There was never any career. I was never going to be an Auror for long, Katie. I was going to hang up my spurs as soon as Rookwood was caught, by me or by someone else. You know the only reason I joined was to throw him in Azkaban."

"And not to kill him?"

He started. "No," he said after a moment. "Not to kill him. I don't think so."

"Then how can you not regret it? How can you not know it was wrong?"

"I do know it was wrong. I just don't care."

She looked at him, and this time, her gaze was full of loathing. "You're fucked up in the head, Lee."

"I know."

"Ange told me you were a good Auror."

"She did?" He was surprised. "I never liked the job. Not really. But I was good at classes." He shrugged. "Harry could always beat me in a duel, but other than that I was pretty much top of the class."

"How come?" she wanted to know. "You weren't very good at Hogwarts."

"I never worked at Hogwarts," he explained. "I worked a lot for the Aurors. Not because I liked it but because I wanted to be good at it so I could have a chance of cornering Rookwood."

Katie shook her head. "You've wasted a year of your life chasing after a Death Eater who would have ended up being caught anyway. And you threw away your entire life to cast an Unforgivable on him. How does it feel, Lee, to know you managed to lose everything in the five most stupid seconds of your life?"

"It feels," he said, "brilliant."

Her head jerked up and she stared at him, disbelieving.

"Are you even human anymore, Lee?"

"I'm honest," he countered. "I haven't felt this alive in the past year. I think part of it is not having to study so hard anymore, but part of it was catching Rookwood, Katie, and so... that's why I don't regret it. I can feel, deep down, right here –" he put a hand to his chest – "that it was the right thing to do. For me," he added quickly, when Katie's eyebrows shut up. "Not the right thing to do, legally. Not the right thing to do, morally. But for me... I really think it was the only way I could find peace."

"You mean torturing someone?"

"No," he said, biting back a sharper retort. "Merlin, Katie. I meant catching him and having those months of chase actually end up meaning something."

"I think I'm going to be sick," she murmured, dropping her gaze.

He strode over to her and took her hands in his. "Katie, look at me."

She lifted her head tentatively, eyes wet, tears threatening to spill over, soft lips parted in pain, confusion, disbelief.

He wanted to kiss her so badly it hurt.

"Katie," he said again. "I am sorry. I'm not sorry for what I did. But if it's any comfort to you, I'm sorry it hurt you. Hell, I'm sorry for all the times I've ever hurt you."

A small smile played on her lips. "You have no idea of the extent of what you're apologising for."

"I know." He raised her arm and dared to plant a soft kiss on the inside of her wrist. "And I'm sorry about that, too."

He half-expected her to pull away, but she didn't. She let him hold her hands, and she leaned into him, resting her forehead against his chest, not saying anything. After a few seconds of standing still like this, Lee let go of her hands and wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on the top of her head. Her hair still smelt the same. He felt, after a second's hesitation, her own hands hesitantly slip around his waist.

"I never wanted to hurt you," he whispered.

"There are a lot of things we never wanted," she said, her voice muffled by his shirt. "I never wanted Fred to die, either. I never wanted to see you become... what you've become."

"I'll be back," he swore. "I don't know what I've become but it's not permanent, Katie. I've already come a long way since last month. I swear... I'll be back."

She pulled away slightly and tipped her head back, raising her mouth up to his. He claimed her lips in a soft, soft kiss, as light as a butterfly's landing, just the brush of his mouth against hers, just enough to send a jolt of electricity running up his spine – and then she disentangled herself from his arms and step back.

"I can't wait for you."

I had to write this chapter. I couldn't just leave Lee hanging like that after what happened last time... so one last chapter for Lee. Re-reading and proof-reading this, I think I like this kiss much better than any of the Dramione ones. Hm. I wonder what that means.

Three more chapters to go. I think I'll post the next one in a day or two; it's a very short one. And then there are the last two chapters, which I like. A lot.

Oh, and I really don't like the new interface for posting a new chapter. Why complicate things? It was so clear and minimalistic before.