She hadn't been in the common room after dinner. Not that Draco was going to go talk to her, but those few seconds when he was going to his room were the only times Draco allowed himself to look at her. And every night he absolutely hated what he saw. The expression Granger wore when she was sitting on the sofa was a mixture of sorrow and guilt. He knew both expressions very well as he'd seen them on his own face; the thing Draco didn't know was why she looked like that. He often thought about speaking to her in a quiet part of the castle so he could find out what had happened, but that would involve talking to her and Draco wasn't ready to do that. He half hoped that she would get tired of the silence and just be done with him, but Draco doubted Granger would actually do that.
Draco just wasn't coping well with realizing that he felt something for her. He definitely didn't want to believe it and so far he'd done a fairly good job at pretending it wasn't true. Despite, of course, the replies he'd received from Blaise. Blaise had been the only person he'd felt even slightly comfortable writing to, as he was the one who'd seemed to hate Granger the least out of all his friends. Blaise was the one, Draco had been sure, who would tell him what to do. And Draco absolutely despised being told what to do, so for him to go and ask for the advice of someone else had taken a lot out of him. He wouldn't admit that to anyone, just like he wouldn't admit that he had feelings for her.
But if he did, though Draco knew it wasn't true, he would have to say that the feelings were absolutely awful. He saw her, that incredibly lonely expression on her face, and an overwhelming wave of guilt would hit him and he was always forced to look away. On the rare occasions he would see her smile he wanted to smile, and Draco hated that feeling. And the worst one of all was seeing her look sad, as his mind seemed to jump to the conclusion that he needed to do something to make her feel better. The last two were things Draco wouldn't do; he couldn't smile at Granger or interact with her. Doing that would mean being close to her again and Draco wasn't sure he could do that without doing something incredibly ridiculous like hugging her or attempting a rather awful explanation as to what he felt. Which was nothing; he couldn't feel anything for her.
The endless cycle of those thoughts had been going on for the past two weeks and he wasn't sure if he was still sane, because half the time they were all he was thinking. If he wasn't thinking about that then his mind was stuck on what he could write to Blaise to try and convince him otherwise. He was trying to figure out if it was worth it to keep writing back, because it made it seem like he was friends with Blaise again. Draco didn't know if he could do that; he'd convinced himself that he didn't need any friends and he'd already broken that for a short time with Granger and Draco didn't know if he could do it again. Blaise had forced him to try though; he'd found out when the next Hogsmeade visit was and told Draco that he would be waiting in the Three Broomsticks to discuss the matter. Needless to say Draco was absolutely dreading the next visit, his first of the year.
He sat on the floor underneath his window working on homework for a while, having absolutely no interest in going out into the common room. The only reason he would go out there was to see if Granger had come back yet, but that would probably be noticed by her or Boot and Abbott and Draco didn't want that. So he kept sitting on the floor, scribbling on a piece of parchment as he attempted to finish a Charms essay that he hoped would please Flitwick. He was sick of receiving only A's in that class; he wanted an E. Or an O, but Draco highly doubted that would happen. He wasn't- "Draco?"
The sudden knock and his name had startled him so much that he'd knocked over the ink he'd been using. Of course he'd been stupid enough to put the ink in his lap on top of the book he'd been writing on, so it ended up not only drenching his essay but spilling onto his legs as well. "Damn it-Screw you Granger!" he shouted angrily, reaching for his wand to clean up the mess.
"What-"
"Go away," he said angrily, setting his ruined essay to the side and standing up. He got the ink easily off his pants though he wasn't sure he wanted to try that spell on his essay. Draco wasn't sure if it would leave his writing or not and if it did, then it was ruined anyway. "Wasn't great to begin with," he muttered, sighing in defeat. He would have to start over, something he despised, and it seemed to just make him angrier than he already was.
"I'd like to talk to you," Granger said, knocking again.
Draco sighed once more, running his hands over his face and hoping that if he stayed silent she would just go away. After a few seconds Draco was sure that she had actually gone, as there was silence from the other side of the door, but as it was pushed open he realized that he was wrong. "That was locked,"
"Alohomora," she shrugged. "We need to talk,"
"No, we don't," he said, standing up and narrowing his eyes at her. He was rather proud that he'd managed to get the ink off himself, otherwise he would have looked like a fool standing in front of Granger.
"Draco, you stopped speaking to me two weeks ago and I deserve an explanation,"
"Well you're not getting one,"
"Draco stop being unreasonable. We're friends-"
"Not anymore,"
"Not-What are you talking about? Of course we're still friends,"
"No, we're not. I can't do this, whatever this is, anymore. It's not working. I said I would try the whole friend thing and I don't like it anymore. So I'm done,"
"You're-You're done?" she asked, her voice raising in pitch significantly. "You can't just be done!"
The hurt on her face was quite obvious, so Draco looked away. He couldn't stand that expression when it was caused by him; not anymore. It felt odd to think that he once would have been pleased to see it, as it made him sick now. "I am,"
"I don't accept that, Malfoy," she said angrily. "I won't, no, I can't accept that. That's a shitty excuse and you know it. There's something else and you're trying to distract me from it by saying this, but it's not going to work,"
"Granger you need to get out," he said quietly. He didn't want to raise his voice and argue with her; he would remain level headed, he had to if he wanted her to leave.
"And you need to get over yourself," she retorted quickly. "Look at me,"
"I'm quite fine looking at the wall, actually,"
He heard her heavy, quick footsteps before her hand was on his chin and forcing his face toward her. Draco was so surprised by the action that he tried to take a step back, though the very angry girl in front of him wasn't letting him move much. "If you're going to do this then at least have the damn decency to look me in the eyes,"
"Get your hands off me and maybe I will," Granger dropped her hand and folded her arms across her chest. Draco could see the anger and hurt swirling around in her eyes, though there was guilt there as well and Draco didn't know why that would be there. "I'm-"
"Look me in the eyes and tell me exactly what I've done to make you want to stop being friends," She held his gaze as Draco's mouth opened and closed as he struggled to find words. Any words would do, really, as long as they didn't have to do with his feelings. "I don't have all night,"
It wasn't often that he saw Granger so angry, and Draco was quickly learning that he really didn't like it. He preferred a happy Granger and while he knew his words would upset her, he'd been sure they would make her run out of the room and never want to speak to him again. Not this; he hadn't expected this. "I-Well, you-"
"Just as I thought,"
"Granger-"
"Look," she said, her voice softening slightly. "I can understand if you want to stop being friends, I've had that happen multiple times. And I shouldn't have gotten so angry either. But what I can't understand is why. I can't understand what I did to make you suddenly hate me again. I quite liked it when you didn't. I'll stop bothering you, if that's what you want, but I'd like a reason why. Do you think you can give me that?"
"Granger, I don't have to do anything,"
"I know you don't. But please, can't you do this one last thing for me?"
"I-I guess I could create a decent reply,"
"By next week, do you think?" He nodded in response and Granger sighed, stepping away from him. She looked conflicted and her other emotions were clear on her face; she was guilty about something, she was still slightly angry, and she was pained by what was happening. Draco would guess that he was more hurt by it than she was, though he couldn't admit that to her as that would undermine everything that had just happened. And what had just happened was a good thing; if Draco wasn't around her then he was sure his stupid feelings would go away.
"I believe so,"
"By Monday? After Arithmancy maybe?"
"All right," he said, nodding stiffly once more.
Granger sighed in a similar manner to what he'd been doing, and she took another step away from him. "I'll leave you alone until then,"
"That would be best,"
They stared at each other for a few seconds before Granger rushed forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I've lost a lot, Draco," she whispered, sending chills down his spine as he wasn't sure exactly what she was referring to. "It kills me to lose you too. But if it makes you happy..." She released him before he could respond and hurried out of his room, leaving Draco to stare at his closed door in shock. Granger cared about his happiness as much as he cared about hers; that couldn't possibly be a coincidence, could it? After what he'd realized Draco wasn't sure. He sat back down on the floor, running his hands over his face once more before pulling out a clean sheet of parchment. He needed a lists; lists could always make things clearer to him. And if he made a list of reasons as to why he couldn't be around Granger then he would have the perfect speech prepared for her. However the only thing he could bring himself to write down that night was I could have feelings for you and Draco wouldn't be sharing that.
The next week of his life, leading up to the Hogsmeade visit and speaking to Blaise, was spent with that stupid list in front of him as he tried to add more to it. He had a few reasons on it that would only anger her, as they weren't good reasons. But they were still something, and Draco could try hard to make them work. The first years who seemed to love sitting around him kept trying to look at his list, but he would always get them to stay out of his business with a cold glare in their direction.
As he walked to Hogsmeade that Saturday in late March, Draco couldn't help but notice how people looked at him. He didn't know why they would be looking at him either; at the beginning of the year Draco could understand but they'd had enough time to gawk by then. Draco fixed a cold expression on his face and walked into the Three Broomsticks, sitting at a table and waiting for Blaise. He waited for nearly three hours before an owl flew straight to him and placed a letter in front of him. It quickly flew off without waiting for a reply, and Draco took the letter cautiously.
I've been called into work and I can no longer meet you. Don't forget to try and fix things with Granger and tell her how you obviously feel; I'd like to be right about this.
It wasn't even signed but Draco rolled his eyes and crumpled up the letter anyway. He was sure Blaise just couldn't be troubled to come into Hogsmeade to see him, but Draco was fine with that. He'd been worried about what he was going to say to convince him that he didn't have feelings for Granger even though Draco was starting to believe it himself. Only slightly, as he still didn't understand how they'd come to be and therefore he didn't want to deal with them. Draco stood, placing a few galleons on the table as he'd ordered quite a few butterbeers, before pushing his way through the pub. He wanted to go back to his room and continue trying to figure out what to add to his list of why he didn't want to be around Granger; he only had two more days to finish it and he didn't even have ten items.
There was loud laughter a few seconds before he got to the door and he turned his head to look where it came from. He should have known though, as the only group of people that could laugh that loudly were Potter and his friends. He was a few seconds away from turning his head and walking out the door when he caught sight of Granger. She looked sad, with a small smile on her face that didn't come close to matching her friend's laughter. She was seated next to Weasley, who had his arm thrown around her shoulders. She didn't seem to mind, as she was looking at Longbottom with a bit of interest as well as her small smile.
It had only been a few seconds, but Draco was furious. He could understand Granger being with her friends, as it would be good for her to get closer to them and farther away from him, but Weasley had his arm around her. Weasley, who Draco hated more than anyone else because of the way he'd treated Granger at the beginning of the year, now had his arm around her. Without thinking, Draco walked over to the table. Longbottom stopped talking almost immediately; he had a similar apprehensive expression on his face to the ones Potter and Weasley's sister were wearing. Weasley himself was glaring at Draco with as much hate as he could muster. Granger looked surprised. It was Lovegood who actually seemed happy to see him. "Hello, Draco," she said. He wasn't used to hearing anyone but Granger and his mother say his name, so he turned to look at her in surprise. "Are you having a good day?"
He considered responding to her for a second before looking at Granger with narrowed eyes. "I'd like to have a word,"
"Of course," she said, moving to stand up.
"Hermione you don't have to-" Weasley started.
"Let her go, Ron," Potter instructed. The two shared an angry look before Weasley removed his arm from her shoulders and Granger stood up.
"Come on," she said, leading him out of the Three Broomsticks and down the street. Granger stopped as soon as they were alone and Draco folded his arms across his chest. "What?"
"Why are you with him?"
"With who?"
"With Weasley,"
"He's my friend,"
"Right, because friends treat you the way he did,"
"Well he's treating me better than you have been these past few weeks,"
"I'm not talking about-"
"Draco, can you just get to the point?"
"Excuse me?"
"The point, of why you dragged me away from my friends to talk,"
"You led," he muttered, feeling his cheeks warm. Now that he had her away from Weasley his anger was dying down and he didn't know what he was supposed to say to her.
"Draco, can you just explain to me what's going on? I'd like to get back to my friends,"
"I-" He was at a loss. Don't forget to try and fix things with Granger and tell her how you obviously feel ran through his mind and Draco fought the urge to swear. "I have my reason?" he offered, feeling like he needed a good curse to get him to shut up.
"Oh," Granger said, surprised. "All right then. I guess... Well, I can't say I had hoped you'd actually find one but... Go ahead,"
"I-" Shit echoed around his head and Draco wasn't sure what he was going to say. It had to be something that would leave her silent so he could run off and avoid her for the rest of his miserable life. "I-" Before Draco could think he leaned in and pressed his lips to hers gently before pulling away a second later. "I can't be around you," he reasoned, unable to bring his eyes to meet the shock on Granger's face. "Because then what I feel won't stop and I need it to stop," A second later Draco turned and ran, the consequences of his action immediately filling his mind. Everything was going to be ruined.