Dark revel parody - the pet
Severus was surprised when he woke to find Hermione still tucked up in bed beside him. He lay there, looking at the ceiling whilst his brain was working overtime; how could he make sure it was his birthday everyday?
Hermione mumbled something in her sleep, and snuggled closer. He was just considering chancing his luck with the offer of a matutinal poke, when Dumbledore's head appeared in his fireplace.
"Severus," he said in something of a panic, "Hermione Granger has been missing from her bed all night. We have no idea where she is. Be in my office in five minutes, this is urgent." Dumbledore's head disappeared before he had a chance to say anything.
"Oh Fuck," said Hermione.
"Oh god yes," said Severus.
"Well, we'd better make the best of it. We'll just spin him a line about how you rescued me, and then something along the lines of me being too traumatised by it all to be left on my own."
"Why didn't I take you straight to Madame Pomfrey?" he asked in exasperation. "He's bound to want to know that, and I'm damned if I can think of an answer that doesn't involve shagging, and the Headmaster is not going to look on that with any sympathy, I can assure you."
"We'll think of something," she said. "I can always have a fit of hysterics if required. He can't ask you questions while I'm rolling around on the floor sobbing. It'll buy us some time to think of something convincing."
"Good thinking," he said shortly, "Now get dressed, and lets get going."
Hermione slipped into her school uniform, there were a couple of rips where Severus had been overly enthusiastic the night before. He was about to repair them with a quick charm, when she stopped him. "It'll add verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative: Look what the nasty Deatheaters did to me, Headmaster."
They were in the Headmaster's office within the allotted five minutes, but it was a close run thing. Dumbledore was shocked to see Hermione, and sat open-mouthed for the couple of seconds it took for him to realise that his eyes weren't deceiving him.
"Hermione," he said, "how glad I am to see you. What on earth happened, you look like you've been in the wars?"
"Oh, Headmaster," she sobbed, "I was kidnapped. If it wasn't for Professor Snape here, I would have been raped and killed, I'm sure of it. He saved me," she gazed at him adoringly for a moment, before burying her head in her hands. She appeared to be shaking with silent sobs, but Severus thought she was trying very hard not to laugh out loud.
Dumbledore was giving him a very hard look, and appeared to be on the brink of asking those awkward questions he had been hoping to put off. Suddenly inspiration hit, and he took the initiative. "I'm sorry that you were worried Headmaster, but I couldn't come to you last night to bring you the good news. But prudence required that Miss Granger spent the night in my rooms."
"I fail to see why that was necessary, Severus." There was a very heavy hint in hi svoice that there had better be a very good reason for his actions.
"You see, Headmaster, it's like this. I appeared at the meeting last night, to find Lucius had very kindly got me a birthday present. Miss Granger. Obviously I couldn't leave her to her fate, but I was anxious not to blow my cover. I therefore told Voldemort that Miss Granger would be most useful to our cause as a spy on Potter and the rest of the Order. He could see the value of the idea, but wasn't convinced that it was possible."
Hermione's admiration was unfeigned now.
"He was so clever, Headmaster. He convinced them that he had been working on me for some time, and that we had a." she blushed, "a close relationship that meant I would do anything for him. Voldemort swallowed it hook, line and sinker."
"Malfoy, however, looked suspicious," said Severus. "He was doubtless wondering why, if Hermione was supposed to be my . pet, she hadn't mentioned this when she had been kidnapped. So, just in case he put that little ferret of a son to spy on us, Hermione spent the night in my rooms. I slept on the couch, needless to say."
Dumbledore looked appeased. "What will you do at the next Deatheaters' meeting, though when you don't turn up with Hermione?" he asked.
"I think, Headmaster, we have to face facts. If I don't turn up with Miss Granger at the next meeting I wont survive for long, Malfoy will see to it. I am sorry, but I think I may have reached the end of the road as a spy."
He wasn't happy when Dumbledore suggested that Hermione might like to continue the charade so that he could continue spying. He was even less happy when Hermione, with typical Gryffindor 'bravery' assured him she would be prepared to do so.
"Bugger", he thought. "I was this close to getting out of it all, and then she has to blow it."
Dumbledore dismissed them to work out the finer details of their deception. Snape hurried them back to his rooms even faster than the trip to the Headmaster's office. "What the hell was all that about?" he shouted. "What happened to, we can lie to Dumbledore, you'll never have to go to a Deatheater meeting again."
"I had a brainwave," she said. "Sit down, stop shouting, and I'll tell you. It's brilliant, even if I do say so myself."
He sat down growling, "this had better be good!"
"It is. Simply put, we now have a complete licence to carry on under Dumbledore's nose."
"Yes, but at the cost of me risking life and limb and forgive me if I don't think it's worth it."
"Who says you'll be risking life and limb. We sneak out of the castle, but we don't go to the meeting. We go to London, we have dinner, go and see a film, and then we apparate back to the castle and tell everyone what a brave, noble spy you are."
"Well," he said doubtfully, "that may work, but how am I going to get the information to pass on to Dumbledore."
"Simple. You ask Malfoy:
Dear Lucius
I am sorry I was unable to make the meeting today but Dumbledore is watching me like a hawk. What was decided?
Love and kisses,
Severus. "
"Brilliant," he said. "Absolutely bloody brilliant."
"And if you're really lucky, you'll still get your Order or Merlin, First Class."
He smirked, "You may be right at that, my pet."
Severus was surprised when he woke to find Hermione still tucked up in bed beside him. He lay there, looking at the ceiling whilst his brain was working overtime; how could he make sure it was his birthday everyday?
Hermione mumbled something in her sleep, and snuggled closer. He was just considering chancing his luck with the offer of a matutinal poke, when Dumbledore's head appeared in his fireplace.
"Severus," he said in something of a panic, "Hermione Granger has been missing from her bed all night. We have no idea where she is. Be in my office in five minutes, this is urgent." Dumbledore's head disappeared before he had a chance to say anything.
"Oh Fuck," said Hermione.
"Oh god yes," said Severus.
"Well, we'd better make the best of it. We'll just spin him a line about how you rescued me, and then something along the lines of me being too traumatised by it all to be left on my own."
"Why didn't I take you straight to Madame Pomfrey?" he asked in exasperation. "He's bound to want to know that, and I'm damned if I can think of an answer that doesn't involve shagging, and the Headmaster is not going to look on that with any sympathy, I can assure you."
"We'll think of something," she said. "I can always have a fit of hysterics if required. He can't ask you questions while I'm rolling around on the floor sobbing. It'll buy us some time to think of something convincing."
"Good thinking," he said shortly, "Now get dressed, and lets get going."
Hermione slipped into her school uniform, there were a couple of rips where Severus had been overly enthusiastic the night before. He was about to repair them with a quick charm, when she stopped him. "It'll add verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative: Look what the nasty Deatheaters did to me, Headmaster."
They were in the Headmaster's office within the allotted five minutes, but it was a close run thing. Dumbledore was shocked to see Hermione, and sat open-mouthed for the couple of seconds it took for him to realise that his eyes weren't deceiving him.
"Hermione," he said, "how glad I am to see you. What on earth happened, you look like you've been in the wars?"
"Oh, Headmaster," she sobbed, "I was kidnapped. If it wasn't for Professor Snape here, I would have been raped and killed, I'm sure of it. He saved me," she gazed at him adoringly for a moment, before burying her head in her hands. She appeared to be shaking with silent sobs, but Severus thought she was trying very hard not to laugh out loud.
Dumbledore was giving him a very hard look, and appeared to be on the brink of asking those awkward questions he had been hoping to put off. Suddenly inspiration hit, and he took the initiative. "I'm sorry that you were worried Headmaster, but I couldn't come to you last night to bring you the good news. But prudence required that Miss Granger spent the night in my rooms."
"I fail to see why that was necessary, Severus." There was a very heavy hint in hi svoice that there had better be a very good reason for his actions.
"You see, Headmaster, it's like this. I appeared at the meeting last night, to find Lucius had very kindly got me a birthday present. Miss Granger. Obviously I couldn't leave her to her fate, but I was anxious not to blow my cover. I therefore told Voldemort that Miss Granger would be most useful to our cause as a spy on Potter and the rest of the Order. He could see the value of the idea, but wasn't convinced that it was possible."
Hermione's admiration was unfeigned now.
"He was so clever, Headmaster. He convinced them that he had been working on me for some time, and that we had a." she blushed, "a close relationship that meant I would do anything for him. Voldemort swallowed it hook, line and sinker."
"Malfoy, however, looked suspicious," said Severus. "He was doubtless wondering why, if Hermione was supposed to be my . pet, she hadn't mentioned this when she had been kidnapped. So, just in case he put that little ferret of a son to spy on us, Hermione spent the night in my rooms. I slept on the couch, needless to say."
Dumbledore looked appeased. "What will you do at the next Deatheaters' meeting, though when you don't turn up with Hermione?" he asked.
"I think, Headmaster, we have to face facts. If I don't turn up with Miss Granger at the next meeting I wont survive for long, Malfoy will see to it. I am sorry, but I think I may have reached the end of the road as a spy."
He wasn't happy when Dumbledore suggested that Hermione might like to continue the charade so that he could continue spying. He was even less happy when Hermione, with typical Gryffindor 'bravery' assured him she would be prepared to do so.
"Bugger", he thought. "I was this close to getting out of it all, and then she has to blow it."
Dumbledore dismissed them to work out the finer details of their deception. Snape hurried them back to his rooms even faster than the trip to the Headmaster's office. "What the hell was all that about?" he shouted. "What happened to, we can lie to Dumbledore, you'll never have to go to a Deatheater meeting again."
"I had a brainwave," she said. "Sit down, stop shouting, and I'll tell you. It's brilliant, even if I do say so myself."
He sat down growling, "this had better be good!"
"It is. Simply put, we now have a complete licence to carry on under Dumbledore's nose."
"Yes, but at the cost of me risking life and limb and forgive me if I don't think it's worth it."
"Who says you'll be risking life and limb. We sneak out of the castle, but we don't go to the meeting. We go to London, we have dinner, go and see a film, and then we apparate back to the castle and tell everyone what a brave, noble spy you are."
"Well," he said doubtfully, "that may work, but how am I going to get the information to pass on to Dumbledore."
"Simple. You ask Malfoy:
Dear Lucius
I am sorry I was unable to make the meeting today but Dumbledore is watching me like a hawk. What was decided?
Love and kisses,
Severus. "
"Brilliant," he said. "Absolutely bloody brilliant."
"And if you're really lucky, you'll still get your Order or Merlin, First Class."
He smirked, "You may be right at that, my pet."