Bumbledore's Diary
Miss Granger really is the most aggravating person I know; bearing in mind the competition this is really quite an achievement on her part. Still she always was an over-achiever, and she has managed to surpass Flitwick with his habit of straining his tea through his teeth, which has always made my wand hand itchy at breakfast; McGonagall and that oh-so-pious exterior, honestly if she ever undid that bun I think her arse would drop off; Severus and his doom, gloom and moping – how seriously can you take that when he casts a charm on his robes to make them swirl dramatically – he may as well have Byronic hero sewn across the back in sequins; and Hagrid, who is as thick as bottled dragon dung, and should surely be put to sleep as a kindness to dumb animals.
Dear god, how I hate them all. I've had an arsenic laden sherbert lemon sitting in the dish on my desk for years now; little do they know that they only way I can get through another sodding week at this hell-hole they laughingly refer to as a school is be getting them to play a complex game of Russian Roulette.
There was a nasty moment during the course of the sixth book when Harry started choking on one and I thought the jig was up. Fortunately a bit of sherbert had caught on the back of his throat. I always said it was a mistake to name the books Harry Potter and...... I was very disappointed when that JKR person said that for marketing reasons they couldn't be called Dumbledore and the whatever foolish title she fancied.
Surely everyone knows the books are about me.
Severus, of course, always declines the sweeties. He was always too clever for his own good. Much like our Miss Granger. I suppose that is the attraction; she has always seemed far too lumpen to me to appreciate the Byronic approach. Perhaps I am being uncharitable. I do hope so.
Particularly after this afternoons little bombshell.
She requested a meeting this morning, ostensibly about house elves – so dull, who cares if they are enslaved, at least they have the decency to keep quiet about it – I agreed. There's nothing more amusing than a Gryffindor in one of its periodical fits of morality.
I, of course, despite common assumption am actually in Slytherin.
After all what could be more Slytherin than passing yourself off as a Gryffindor; people trust you so much more easily.
So when Miss Granger hoved into sight as frizzy haired as ever, I wasn't looking forward to the meeting at all, and that was before she even moved onto the topic she was really interested in talking about.
JKR.
The book deal.
And she wanted a cut.
It was all that bitch Minerva's fault. She'd loaned Miss Granger that book on Alternate Universes, she'd done a bit of digging, and then she'd unearthed the truth. I had sold the story rights to Harry's fight against Voldemort to JKR, and that, occasionally, solely in the interests of the plot, and NEVER putting young Harry's life in danger – well there was that one time, but nothing serious – we would manipulate things to make them more interesting.
It's a sad truth but life doesn't imitate art at all: not unless you give it a sharp poke up the bum with a broomstick from time to tome.
I didn't even have chance to cast Obliviate before she told me that wouldn't work - very smug about it she looked too.
I asked her what she wanted, and when she told me I was flabbergasted. Snape had to survive the end of the last book, as did Harry and Ron. Bang goes that ending then. JKR said it would be really touching if they all died together and it would really boost ratings.
Apparently people like miserable endings. Which is odd, because they don't tend to in real life.
Harry and Ron I could understand, but Snape?
She wanted a share of the take; which was only to be expected. It took some really hard bargaining to force her down to 1% of the gross. Which will still make her a very rich young woman who will never have to sully her hands with work again.
That's when she dropped the other bombshell – although the idea does have merit in itself – a sequel. Something to show what happened after the end of the books. And she wants to end up with Snape.
Dear god the woman's mad. He may be all swirly cloaked but he still has a nose you could use as a pick axe. But apparently nothing other than our Severus will do, so Severus she will have to have.
I don't look forward to breaking the news to JKR. Apparently she had some sort of nasty plot in stall for Severus, and now she will have to put that to one side.
Miss Granger wants to see some outline plots by the end of the week. And she says nothing that involves her parents dying – apparently she is reasonably fond of them despite never having spent a holiday with them in the entire series – and nothing involving kidnap, rape or torture of either her OR Severus. And no working together on a cure for Lycanthropy, as far as she was concerned huddling together over a smelly potion was about as romantic as cleaning her teeth, and it would play merry hob with her hair.
So JKR will really have to do something dramatic to put those two together. I mean, it's not as if it's likely is it?
Oh, and she has to make sure that any love scenes are – what did she say – hot enough to melt the print from the paper.
Still, what the silly girl doesn't know is that I'm on 20% of the gross. If the scenes are that hot, I think I can retire ten years early.
Miss Granger really is the most aggravating person I know; bearing in mind the competition this is really quite an achievement on her part. Still she always was an over-achiever, and she has managed to surpass Flitwick with his habit of straining his tea through his teeth, which has always made my wand hand itchy at breakfast; McGonagall and that oh-so-pious exterior, honestly if she ever undid that bun I think her arse would drop off; Severus and his doom, gloom and moping – how seriously can you take that when he casts a charm on his robes to make them swirl dramatically – he may as well have Byronic hero sewn across the back in sequins; and Hagrid, who is as thick as bottled dragon dung, and should surely be put to sleep as a kindness to dumb animals.
Dear god, how I hate them all. I've had an arsenic laden sherbert lemon sitting in the dish on my desk for years now; little do they know that they only way I can get through another sodding week at this hell-hole they laughingly refer to as a school is be getting them to play a complex game of Russian Roulette.
There was a nasty moment during the course of the sixth book when Harry started choking on one and I thought the jig was up. Fortunately a bit of sherbert had caught on the back of his throat. I always said it was a mistake to name the books Harry Potter and...... I was very disappointed when that JKR person said that for marketing reasons they couldn't be called Dumbledore and the whatever foolish title she fancied.
Surely everyone knows the books are about me.
Severus, of course, always declines the sweeties. He was always too clever for his own good. Much like our Miss Granger. I suppose that is the attraction; she has always seemed far too lumpen to me to appreciate the Byronic approach. Perhaps I am being uncharitable. I do hope so.
Particularly after this afternoons little bombshell.
She requested a meeting this morning, ostensibly about house elves – so dull, who cares if they are enslaved, at least they have the decency to keep quiet about it – I agreed. There's nothing more amusing than a Gryffindor in one of its periodical fits of morality.
I, of course, despite common assumption am actually in Slytherin.
After all what could be more Slytherin than passing yourself off as a Gryffindor; people trust you so much more easily.
So when Miss Granger hoved into sight as frizzy haired as ever, I wasn't looking forward to the meeting at all, and that was before she even moved onto the topic she was really interested in talking about.
JKR.
The book deal.
And she wanted a cut.
It was all that bitch Minerva's fault. She'd loaned Miss Granger that book on Alternate Universes, she'd done a bit of digging, and then she'd unearthed the truth. I had sold the story rights to Harry's fight against Voldemort to JKR, and that, occasionally, solely in the interests of the plot, and NEVER putting young Harry's life in danger – well there was that one time, but nothing serious – we would manipulate things to make them more interesting.
It's a sad truth but life doesn't imitate art at all: not unless you give it a sharp poke up the bum with a broomstick from time to tome.
I didn't even have chance to cast Obliviate before she told me that wouldn't work - very smug about it she looked too.
I asked her what she wanted, and when she told me I was flabbergasted. Snape had to survive the end of the last book, as did Harry and Ron. Bang goes that ending then. JKR said it would be really touching if they all died together and it would really boost ratings.
Apparently people like miserable endings. Which is odd, because they don't tend to in real life.
Harry and Ron I could understand, but Snape?
She wanted a share of the take; which was only to be expected. It took some really hard bargaining to force her down to 1% of the gross. Which will still make her a very rich young woman who will never have to sully her hands with work again.
That's when she dropped the other bombshell – although the idea does have merit in itself – a sequel. Something to show what happened after the end of the books. And she wants to end up with Snape.
Dear god the woman's mad. He may be all swirly cloaked but he still has a nose you could use as a pick axe. But apparently nothing other than our Severus will do, so Severus she will have to have.
I don't look forward to breaking the news to JKR. Apparently she had some sort of nasty plot in stall for Severus, and now she will have to put that to one side.
Miss Granger wants to see some outline plots by the end of the week. And she says nothing that involves her parents dying – apparently she is reasonably fond of them despite never having spent a holiday with them in the entire series – and nothing involving kidnap, rape or torture of either her OR Severus. And no working together on a cure for Lycanthropy, as far as she was concerned huddling together over a smelly potion was about as romantic as cleaning her teeth, and it would play merry hob with her hair.
So JKR will really have to do something dramatic to put those two together. I mean, it's not as if it's likely is it?
Oh, and she has to make sure that any love scenes are – what did she say – hot enough to melt the print from the paper.
Still, what the silly girl doesn't know is that I'm on 20% of the gross. If the scenes are that hot, I think I can retire ten years early.