Hermione moved briskly and efficiently, peeling, chopping, and dicing. She was, as ever determined to do well. The only fly in her potion was Neville. She could see out of the corner of her eye that he was on the verge of adding the crushed betel leaves to his mixture, some five minutes early.
"Neville," she hissed. "Not yet."
Professor Snape's head snapped up. Bugger. He had heard her. Cue five minutes sarcasm, the loss of house points and Neville-baiting of the highest order.
When Snape didn't say anything, Hermione didn't relax; she knew he had heard her. If he said nothing it could only mean he had something much nastier in mind.
And he didn't disappoint.
"Miss Granger, I think you should test your colleague's potion." He smirked in anticipation. The way Longbottom made his potions, she would be lucky to keep her lunch down.
Hermione cast him a fulminating glance, well aware of the likelihood of seeing lunch and breakfast again. She made a mental note to stand as close to Snape as possible; maybe she could make sure he was caught in the ensuing eruption. A quick gulp, the potion was swallowed, and the whole class waited with interest to see whether Hermione would turn green, burst into flames or grow feathers.
They were disappointed. Apart from a grimace at the taste, Hermione survived unscathed.
"Very well, Miss Granger, there's no need to take a curtain call. Sit down."
"Sure, Professor. I'm cool."
"You were lucky there," whispered Harry.
"Sh-ee-yaaah!" Hermione replied.
"Are you alright?" Harry gave Hermione a concerned look. She sounded a trifle peculiar.
"I'm awesome. Like, you know, why do you ask?"
"Professor Snape," said Harry. "I think there's something wrong with Hermione."
"Nonesense, Potter."
"I'm like totally awesome. Like, you know, don't have a cow."
"What did you say?" said Snape.
Hermione didn't bother saying anything, but was looking down at herself in horror. "Like, you know, what am I wearing. I look like a dweeb."
She withdrew her wand – Snape flinched, the rest of the class ducked – and cast a series of complicated charms, until she was more properly attired in a midriff-baring t-shirts that said "PORN STAR" in rhinestones across her breasts, and a pair of low-slung hip-hugger jeans which revealed the tattoo on her ass and the piercing in her navel.
Several of the more sensitive boys fainted, and Snape looked like he was going to have a fit. Harry looked worried, and was reduced to throwing an appealing glance at his teacher. Something clearly had to be done to reverse this appalling effect, before his friend was lost forever.
Professor Snape sighed. "Off to Madam Pomfrey with you. It's probably nothing, but I suppose we had better be cautious."
"Well, duh!"
Hermione, somehow, had managed to find some bubble gum, and blew a large, yet somehow dismissive, bubble that popped in the Snape's face. His lips worked soundlessly, until he managed to choke out the single word, "OUT!"
Hermione left. She may not be at her best, but she could tell that she'd pushed things too far.
Madam Pomfrey was surprised to see an apparently healthy Hermione Granger standing in her infirmary. On closer inspection though, she appeared to be very pale, and had some noxious substance in her mouth that she was masticating vigorously.
"What on earth is the matter with you, Miss Granger?"
Hermione launched into an impassioned speech. "Look! I slammed Nevilles potion because...," she pointed wildly in the general direction of the dungeons, "...HE MADE ME! - and now...," Hermione paused to wind a curl round her fingers, and flutter her eyelashes at Madame Pomfrey, "... and I've gotten like totally spazzed. I swear. You have to help me or I'll, like--"
"I'm sorry Miss Granger, I don't understand a word you are saying, other than something about Professor Snape and potions. Did this happen to you in a potions class?"
Hermione nodded. It seemed safer than trying to talk.
"I'll send for him at once. I'd better tell the Headmaster as well."
Hermione was relieved. She felt certain that the Headmaster would be able to sort this horrible problem out.
Professor Snape was the first to arrive. "What on earth is the problem, Poppy, surely you can sort this out without having to bother me?"
She snorted in exasperation. "A potion caused this, it seems to me that the most likely cure is going to be another potion. It's your problem, Severus, you sort it out."
"It will probably wear off in time," he snapped.
"It is, like, so totally not cool saying it will just like wear off if I just chill. Like, you know, no one can understand me and my report card is going to like mega suck. You like totally have to do something LIKE NOW." Hermione was indignant.
Seeing his blank expression Hermione realised he couldn't understand anything she was saying either. This was the perfect opportunity to tell him what she thought of him.
So she did.
"You are so The Man! Like, "Look at me! I'm the man! Bow down!" but you
are skanky!" she said, adding in a quieter voice, "You're an uberHottie, I SO want to do you!" before raising her voice again to conclude, "but a skank..."
"For heaven's sake, talk sense girl!" sneered Professor Snape.
"She said that she found you rather attractive and wants to make wild passionate love to you, Severus. I had no difficulty in understanding her at all," said Albus Dumbledore who was standing in the doorway to the infirmary.
"Oh fuck," Hermione said.
That needed no translation.
Albus came further into the room, and patted her hand soothingly. "Never mind, dear, I'm sure Severus will do all he can to help you with your little problem."
Professor Snape was still staring at Hermione with his mouth open.
"That is, once he has brewed the antidote for the potion," continued Dumbledore blithely.
Then it was the turn of Hermione to stare at the Headmaster with her mouth open. Surely he couldn't be suggesting... Not that Professor Snape seemed to be up for it, judging by the way he turned tail and almost ran for the dungeons. Still, she really ought to thank the Headmaster for being so understanding. "Dude, you rock. That was, like, totally awesome."
"Why thank you, Miss Granger. It's very kind of you to say so. Sherbert lemon?"
"Cool." Hermione carefully removed her gum, stuck it on the underside of the table, and sucked noisily on the sweetie.
When Professor Snape returned, nearly three hours later, he was clutching a vial in his hand.
"The antidote, Miss Granger."
She just nodded, and drank it. Whilst they were waiting for the antidote to take effect, Professor Snape said, "And before you ask, Miss Granger, I am aware you have suffered a nasty shock, and yes, you may have a shag to help you get over it. Shall we say 7.30 for 8.00?"
"Kewl."
Snape looked worried for a moment.
"Just kidding."