I wrote this for the Draco Workshop 'Breaking The Fourth Wall Challenge' at The DG Forum. The rules:

Write a scene in which Draco interacts with you, the author.

The requirements for this challenge are ridiculously simple: there is no deadline and no word limit. However, no matter what situation you are putting Draco in, his interaction is with you alone and no other characters that you involve (including Ginny) are made aware of your existence on the same level of consciousness as Draco. Simply put, this challenge is about Draco's characterisation and dialogue, not anyone else's.

I blame Lia for all weirdness and moments of insanity. :P

Draco's Appeal

"Hem, Hem. Order in the court, please. We will now continue with the grossly improper appeal of Draco Lucius Malfoy, who has seen fit to file a complaint against his fanfiction author, the illustrious Miss Boogum—also known as 'Great One' 'All Knowing One' and all other matter of radiant and powerful 'Ones'. The defendant wishes to—"

"Oh, for the love of—would you stop acting like we are in a courtroom!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Draco. I was under the impression you wanted me to take this seriously."

"Right. Because wearing a curly wig that looks like a poodle's backside on your head and pretending you're actually a qualified judge and not some nutcase who lives on herbal tea is somehow taking this seriously."

"There's nothing wrong with drinking herbal tea, and I'll have you know I'm perfectly sane. I even have certified proof stating so."

"Right."

"Stop saying 'right'. I don't like people who give one syllable answers. It makes me feel like they're being sarcastic."

"Well, I don't like authors who make me fall in love with psychotic redheads. Just because I'm a fictional character doesn't mean you can do what you like with me. I'm a Malfoy; I have more dignity than that, and I will not be used any more for your disgusting little romance stories with that she-weasel."

"Be grateful I am making you fall in love with 'that she-weasel', as you call her. I could very easily make it a he-weasel."

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Oh, wouldn't I?"

. . .

. . .

"Fine, so maybe you would, but that's not the point."

"Oh, really? Then what is the point, Mr Malfoy?"

Mumbles.

"What was that?"

"I said I want more page time."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. If I'm going to be stuck falling in love with that annoying bint, then I want more page time. You know everyone only reads these fics for me, anyway, so it's not like you'll be losing out on anything. I mean, I am the wittiest character you write, not to mention the most interesting. Weasley's story doesn't even get exciting until I enter it—don't deny it, you know it's true—so what have you got to lose? Personally, I think you might as well just get rid of the psychotic wench altogether and focus your fanfiction on me, or at least write from my point of view. At least that way we'll skip all the tedious parts, and you know she never gets my character right when it's just her viewing things. There's all this nonsense about masks and fallen angels, and—"

"Malfoy, Malfoy. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. While I can appreciate your sentiments, you don't seem to understand that I simply can't write everything from your point of view."

"Why not?"

"Have you ever heard the phrase 'too much of a good thing . . .'"

"Don't be ridiculous. No one can get sick of me. I'm Draco Malfoy."

"Right."

"Now who's giving the one syllable answers."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Hypocrite."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Honestly, Draco, when are you going to learn that your face can't do 'innocent'? You have sneaking, scheming Slytherin written all over you. It's no wonder the other characters are always suspicious of you."

"I can't help it; it's the way I was made."

"Alas, I know."

. . .

. . .

"Enough of this! Now what have you decided?"

Sigh. Very well, we shall discuss this seriously. So you want more page time, do you?"

"Yes. I think it's only fair you give me some compensation for making me fall in love with that idiotic Weasley girl over and over again. Really, Miss Boogum, couldn't you have paired me with someone a little more intelligent? Even a Hufflepuff would have been better than that graceless, ill-mannered—"

"I get the point. You don't like Ginny Weasley, though why you're making such a fuss now, I have no idea. You used to be quite agreeable to go with her in the past."

"That's because you kept trying to put me with that hideous mudbloo—I mean Granger. Anyone was better than her."

"Oh, good. Then you won't mind if I try some incest for my next fic. I've been thinking of playing around with a few Freudian ideas. Tell me, Draco, have you ever found yourself admiring your mother in a way that is, shall we say, more than platonic?"

. . .

"Draco?"

"Tell me, members of the court, is it a crime to murder one's author?"

"Oh, dear. I seem to have upset him."

"Now why would you think that? Why on earth would I be upset that you, my dear author, are actually contemplating writing a romance between me and my own mother?"

"Oh, dear. Now he's bringing out the poisonously sweet act and speaking in visible italics. I'd better try to appease him."

"I can hear you, you know."

"Can you? Oh. Well, never mind, dear. We'll just forget that little matter, shall we? Now, let's see, you wanted more page time. Is that all?"

"Well, since you're asking, it would be nice if I could have more fun with the ladies before you force me to be shackled to that red-haired shrew. Other authors allow me to be called the Slytherin Sex God and let me shag all the pretty girls I want before they make me fall in love with Weasley. What do you give me?"

"Hair."

"Why you—I thought we agreed that was never going to be mentioned!"

"Well, there's no point hissing to me about it. I can't help it your real author tried to make you go bald."

"I am not going bald. I will never be bald. And even if I was going bald (and this is purely hypothetical, of course) do you really think with all my money, prestige and vanity that I would not find some way to cure that baldness? Do you?"

"Calm down, Draco. You know I would never make you go bald . . . unless you start being difficult for me, of course."

"Hmph."

"Now where were we?"

"You were about to agree that you should start writing fics solely about me, or at least give me more page time."

"I am not going to write fics solely about you, Draco. Your ego is bloated enough as it is."

"Must you use the word 'bloated'? It does conjure the most appalling images, and I'd rather not be associated with that."

"What, afraid I might make you chubby?"

"You wouldn't dare!"

"I wouldn't, but I have it on good authority that someone already has . . . and, guess what, they even paired you with Ginny!"

"I do not find your style of conversation amusing."

"That's a shame. I was just warming up."

"Enough of this. Are you going to give me my compensation or not?"

"Of course not. I'm the author here and you'll do what I say whether you like it or not. You'll be falling in love with Ginny and having pink-haired babies for the rest of your fictional life. Mwahaha ha ha haaaaa."

. . .

. . .

"I always knew you were a nutcase."

Note: The fic I refer to with the chubby Draco is enchantedstarlight's Die, with a T. I highly recommend it. ^_^