Chapter Thirty-Five: Labels
Corel was just as he remembered it. Everything seemed stuck in time, from the creaky wooden water tower, to the crooked sign on the Mine Pub. Sand and dust caked the roofs of the old stone buildings, symbolizing not only the age of the town, but the pace of it. The shingles would lift and flap in the desert wind, the old windows would rattle when a truck drove by; nothing had changed.
Nothing in town had changed, but there was a massive structure seen in the distance that Graves had never seen before. Looming its shadow over everything, it almost blocked out the morning sun as it began to rise. It truly was an ominous sight, and it did nothing to settle his jitters he had for being home. It was bad enough having to face the town and family that he had left to join Shin-Ra, now he was face to face with a piece of what he just left behind back in Midgar.
A nearly-completed mako reactor, standing strong and proud, representing the very core of Shin-Ra. The light of the growing day reflected off the surface, blinding anyone who looked its way to marvel, or to hate. It was a structure of hope and change for a better future for some, and it was a structure of controversy for others. The town was reluctant, wary of the promises of prosperity in any other means than coal and oil. But poverty spoke volumes, as did colorful speeches from Scarlet, the head of the Weapons Development Department.
She was a cunning woman, luxurious in looks and in dress, and even more so in the art of business deals. It had taken awhile to crack the citizens of Corel, and some outright protested the building of the reactor, but after much debate, it was unanimously decided.
Graves' uncle had been the one to preach to the town, taking the side of Shin-Ra, all for the rather blind dream of the riches and comfort that a reactor could – would – bring. But his uncle was a trusted, hardworking man among the citizens, and so one by one, they banded together with him to support the construction of the reactor.
The only person opposed had been their neighbor Dyne. A stubborn man, perhaps just has headstrong and difficult as Graves' uncle. He was vehement against it all, taking nothing Scarlet promised as hope, but as simple propaganda. Spoon-fed lies to sate the hungry, the poor and the tired, he believed. It would bring nothing but politics and laziness to a town of men and women who made an honest living working in the coal mines.
Mako was not to be trusted, even if it had been around for quite some time. Being used to power an entire metropolis on the other side of the world wasn't impressive enough for Dyne, but he soon was outnumbered with supporters. With his resolve weakened by his family and friends, he eventually gave in.
And so, the construction of the mako reactor started, and soon the town began to prosper. Mako was efficient, the siphons and pumps did all the work, and even citizens of the town were trained in maintaining parts of the reactor core. No jobs were taken from the miners, only changed and enhanced, and it was all thanks to Shin-Ra. People were happy, and even now in the early morning, citizens were out of their homes and heading to another day's labor.
A small plume of dust was kicked up as a warming breeze began to chase the chill of the night away. It brought back memories of leaving early in the morning to the coal mines with his uncle with a pack full of tools and a belly full of a hearty breakfast. His aunt would stuff them full of food, then send them on their way with a threat that if they weren't back in time for dinner, they would go hungry until the next morning. His uncle would then say that if they didn't make money, they would all go hungry until they starved to death. It was just another game one trying to one-up each other in their stubborn relationship.
Graves walked through the streets, trying to keep his head down as he passed the windows of the old houses and shops. He had spotted a few new faces around town already, and any of them could have been employees of Shin-Ra, whether that be from the army, SOLDIER or otherwise. Corel was now teeming with the stench of the company, and he began to wonder if it was a good idea to return there.
His old house was almost exactly as he remembered it – constructed in the same mismatching stone as the rest of the town, with the same rickety shingles and the same rattling windows. Worn-down concrete steps greeted visitors, followed by a heavy wooden door with his uncle's last name across it. Flourishing plants that his aunt once tended to were now puny and shriveled, grouped together in pots along the porch. It was hard to keep plants healthy in the harsh desert, but she somehow managed to do it with dedication. But now, they were nothing but sad remains of her hobby and pride, most likely lost with the illness she was suffering through.
He no longer had a key, having left that on the kitchen table the night he left, but he knew that there was one somewhere around there. He searched around for a bit, his hand shuffling around the windowsills and beneath the doormat. Eventually, he came upon the key tucked under the leg of the porch bench that his uncle and Dyne had built together. It was a simple piece of furniture, but it served its purpose on peaceful summer nights, and also served as a hiding spot for the key.
The wooden door was opened quietly, and he expected to be overwhelmed by the smell of his aunt's cooking. When he stepped in, nothing but cool air filled his lungs, with only a subtle hint of his uncle's cologne, which was always in the air, regardless. Everything around looked the same, maybe just a bit older and dusty. Normally the house was kept spotless by his aunt, and this was just more evidence of her deteriorating health.
He really didn't want to see them, only because it had been so long and he was feeling more than guilty for not keeping in touch, but as he heard his aunt coughing over the sound of his uncle snoring in their bedroom, he was glad to be there.
Graves limped over to the couch, setting his seabag down before plopping onto the cushions. It seemed a lot smaller than he remembered, but it was just as cozy. He was going to take a nap, and when he woke, he knew he would be fed a huge meal by his aunt, and then yelled at by his uncle for a good three hours.
The psychologist had been speaking with him for a few minutes, and Cloud actually found himself speaking with her about a few things, even if they weren't about what was bothering him. It started with her politely explaining to him about his mix-up of the patient files from the previous day and how to avoid it again, which led to him apologizing without actually saying sorry. She was happy to hear the different word choice from him this time and praised him for his effort.
It felt unnatural, but afterwards he finally felt as if he did something right, and he began to relax into the rest of the hour-long session. She had tried to bump it to an hour and a half for not being able to have time with him the day before, but decided against it as he was for once talking with her. She wanted to take what she could get with him.
"Have you spoken with Mr. Ratcliff yet?"
Cloud shook his head, for once not sitting nervously on her couch. "No, we've been busy. I wanted to ask him about it all last night, but I fell asleep before I could."
"Oh? Are you sleeping better? You've looked tired lately."
"I did last night. But before that, it hasn't been very consistent."
"Give it time. Going through traumatic experiences can affect your sleep patterns. How is your appetite? You look like you've lost some weight."
"I've been skipping breakfast for sleep."
She chuckled quietly. "That's another example of 'damned if you do, damned if you don't'."
"I guess so."
"I don't want you skipping meals. If you want, we can schedule you for thirty minutes later in the morning so you have time to eat."
"Well … how much longer do I have to be on light-duty?"
"I'm still unsure of that, Cloud."
He frowned and his shoulders slumped. It was disappointing to hear, but she just offered him to come in a half-hour later, so he was going to take it. "I can come in later, if that's okay."
"Of course. But, just make sure you're eating something beforehand. Otherwise I'll expect you back here at the time we open, if I find out differently."
"Yes, ma'am."
She was quiet for a moment, clicking her pen a few times to fill the silence.
"Zack and I finally got to spend some time together."
"And how did that go?" She stopped clicking the pen, sitting up straighter in her seat – if that was even possible – and looked intrigued that he had been so open to say that.
He was surprised with himself too, and it was apparent because he sat and blinked afterwards, as if hearing his own voice was foreign to him. "Um," he said slowly, "he was gone for a while, but he's back now. We saw each other last night."
"What did you gentlemen do?" She smiled at him warmly.
He suddenly felt his face heating up and he cleared his throat casually, trying to distract her from noticing his cheeks turning red. He wasn't sure why he was blushing, as all they did together was watch television. After the tender kiss, of course. "Just … watched TV."
"Sounds relaxing. Did you talk with each other?"
Cloud nodded, finally feeling his face cool down once he pushed the memory of their moment together out of his mind. "Just about this and that. His vacation he was on, the beach, seafood ... silly stuff, really."
"It's not silly, not when it's important to your friendship. Did you enjoy talking with him about those things?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Is he easy to talk with?"
Cloud was starting to see where this was leading, and he offered up a shrug and a wary glance at the clock. He was trying to figure out the answer that would drop the subject the fastest. "Easier than most people. No matter what I say, he always seems interested."
"Even if it's the silly things, right?"
" … Right."
"Those seemingly 'silly' conversations are normal, Cloud."
He wasn't quite understanding where she was now going with this. "Okay …" he said slowly.
"It's perfectly normal to not want to talk about what happened with anyone and to hold 'silly' conversations instead."
"I … know that," he said, looking away again. He was now growing uncomfortable, but figured the conversation would end up this way sooner or later.
"You are perfectly normal," she said simply.
Cloud was silent for a while. He didn't realize at first that he reached over and grabbed that pillow and held it to his stomach. All he could see was the rug on the floor blurring. "I … don't feel normal."
"That's understandable," she said softly. "What you feel and what you think … those are all normal reactions to an experience that was abnormal. But you need to know that pretending it didn't exist will do nothing but make those feelings worse."
Cloud was now blinking rapidly, trying to fight back the tears in his eyes. He didn't want to react this way, normal or not.
"If you want to heal, Cloud, you need to move through this and stop denying that it happened." The psychologist must have seen him crying, as she stood up and sat next to him with a box of tissues in her lap.
"I'm not crying," he muttered, turning away slightly.
"Well, tissues are here if you do." She waited a few moments, perhaps listening to his breathing and studying his body language before speaking again. "How do you feel when you find yourself reacting this way to your experiences?"
He shrugged, managing to stop his emotions from spilling over, and before he had to reach and take one of those damned tissues. "Pathetic. Weak," he said frankly.
"Cloud, reacting to these experiences like this is normal, and doing so doesn't actually make you those things. People handle their emotions differently, but each person who has been through what you have has felt that way at some point. You're not alone."
He was still again, only breaking the silence to sniffle and scratch at his face where his tears were rolling down. "I'm not denying it. I don't know why you think that."
"You are denying it, Cloud. You've opened up to me during this session more than you ever have, even if it was just about a simple conversation between you and Zack. But when I start to mention the incidents, you shut down and refuse to talk about them."
"It doesn't mean that I'm denying that it happened. Maybe it's because I'm not ready to talk to you about it. How do you know I haven't talked to Zack already?"
She placed the box of tissues next to him and scooted away just a little bit. He still didn't look at her. "Well, I don't actually know that. I would hope that you have, but if you had talked to someone – anyone – about this, you would be more inclined to speak with me when I brought it up."
"It could be a matter of trust."
"With Zack, or with me?"
Cloud was silent again, giving her the answer.
"I understand your hesitation with me, but I would really like for you to talk to someone about this, if not with me."
He finally looked in her direction, but it was to only look at the tissue box.
"And while I agree that you should talk when you feel ready, I must stress the fact that doing so as soon as possible will only help in moving through this faster. At least trust me when I say that you'll feel better when you do."
"You mean, I'll feel 'normal' again," he said bitterly.
"It will be a long process, but it'll definitely help towards that." She plucked a tissue from the box and held it out to Cloud.
Cloud looked down at it, then glanced up at her with wet eyes. He took the tissue slowly. "Yeah, maybe I'll talk to someone about it."
"I won't ask you to promise me that you will, but I strongly urge you to make a promise with yourself that you'll do what it takes to feel better."
He looked back down at the tissue in his hand, then just crumpled it up.
Five o'clock rolled around and the halls began to fill with seas of people. He had a hard time making his way through, as it looked like a lot of the units were out and about as well, so Cloud decided to skip dinner in the chow hall. It was probably just as busy, and he wasn't sure if he would possibly go out to eat with Zack. He was looking forward to seeing him since their time together the night before, but he wanted to wash his face and change before going over. He could still feel the dried tears down his cheeks from earlier and it was bothering him.
He entered the barracks and saw Ratcliff lounging on Elici's bunk with a writing pad and a pen. When he neared, Ratcliff looked over at him and sat up, placing it to the side. They gave each other small and awkward smiles. Having kissed Zack in front of Ratcliff had been embarrassing for Cloud, and after they parted and got ready for lights-out, Ratcliff seemed a bit disturbed over it, too. They couldn't look at each other in the eye, but Cloud didn't know why Ratcliff would be so uncomfortable over it.
"Not going for some chow?" He looked as if he was forcing himself to look Cloud in the eye.
Cloud sat down on his bed, shrugging. "Might go see Zack in a few minutes. Hopefully we'll get something together. What're you doing?" He motioned down to the writing pad next to Ratcliff.
"Just writing a letter to my older brother, yeah. Gonna send him a little bit of gil. He's short on cash this month."
"Oh, I didn't know you had a sibling. Any others?"
"No, just him. You?"
"Just me."
"I wonder if Zack has any siblings."
Cloud frowned in thought. "I … don't know, actually. Never talked about stuff like that with him."
"Really? That's how you get to know one another."
He scoffed at the irony of the conversation. "Yeah, so I've been told," he muttered.
"Something the matter, yeah?"
Cloud was quiet for a while, shrugging after a few moments. He didn't know how to bring up Kalm in a way that would be comfortable for them both. Ratcliff must have picked up on what he was wanting to talk about, because he sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, looking rather nervous.
"I suppose … you wanna know about Graves, yeah?" He watched as Cloud nodded with his eyes falling to the floor. "I guess he deserted the night you had your first date with Zack. He tracked Mejia down to Kalm and wants to kill the guy for what he did to you and Elici. Simple as that, yeah."
"It's stupid."
"I know it is, yeah. Believe me, I tried telling him. You know how stubborn that guy can be."
"Why … didn't you tell me the truth?"
"I was ordered, Cloud. We already spoke about thi–"
"No. I asked you before all that, tons of times. I asked you about Graves the morning after my date and you wouldn't tell me."
Ratcliff sighed again, now rubbing his face with his hands. "Because I didn't know what was going on at the time and I didn't know if he deserted for sure. I just … didn't want you to get upset, yeah. You're already going through enough shit as it is." He picked up the writing pad and began to flip through the pages absently, not looking at Cloud. "I know it's no consolation now, but I was gonna tell you after we came back from Kalm, honest."
"Is he going to come back?"
"I doubt it, yeah." Ratcliff leaned back and kicked his legs up onto the bed, staring up at Graves' bunk.
"So, he's really gone?" Cloud asked quietly.
Ratcliff shrugged before slipping his hands beneath his head. He could see Cloud in the corner of his eye, and he didn't want to turn and really look at him. His shoulders were slumped and his knees together in a tense yet defeated gesture. He could only imagine what his facial expression was after realizing this. "Yeah, Cloud. Really gone. I wouldn't worry, knowing him, he'll come visit us one way or another. He cares about us, trust me, yeah."
"I … never got to tell him sorry."
"Don't get hung up on that, yeah. That guy doesn't even know the meaning of the word. It's like speaking another language with him."
"But I told him to fuck off."
"I told him to fuck off all the time, you never saw me apologizing, yeah!"
"I guess so …"
"Graves may be an inconsiderate ass, but he's not that stupid. He'll take care of himself, yeah?" He slipped one arm from underneath his head and gave Cloud a pat on the knee. He could feel him flinch as he did, so he looked over. "Nerves still bothering you?"
Cloud had his head in his hands now, rubbing his face with a pained look. "Yeah, tingles still."
"You should take your meds, yeah."
He didn't respond, but just kept rubbing his head. He slowly lowered himself down onto his bunk with a groan.
Ratcliff watched him with a frown. "You okay?"
"Just a little tired. Can you wake me up at six? I want to go see Zack."
"Sure, I can do that, yeah. But …"
Cloud lifted his head from his pillow, looking at him with half-lidded eyes. "What?"
"The other night you said you haven't told Zack anything. Are you planning to?"
"I really don't want to talk about this right now, Ratcliff." He turned over, his back facing him.
"But … if you haven't told him what happened in Kalm …" He trailed off for a moment, frowning to himself. "I just don't want him doing anything to you that would make you uncomfortable."
Cloud turned, glaring at him, and it actually surprised Ratcliff quite a bit. "What are you saying? Are you trying to say that Zack would push himself on me?"
"No, no, that's not it. I'm just saying that–"
"You're saying that I can't take care of myself."
"Please, don't put words in my mouth, Cloud. All I'm saying is that if Zack doesn't know what's going on, then he might not be cautious with you–"
"So you think that I need to be treated differently?"
Ratcliff growled, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Not differently, but carefully, yeah. He just needs to be respectful, that's all I'm saying. I know you Cloud, if you don't tell him, you'll just pretend that everything's okay and go on like everything was normal."
Cloud suddenly sat up, getting to his feet. "I suppose that's the shit the psychologist told you to say to me, isn't it?"
"Cloud, I've been through this myself, remember? Mejia has done similar stuff to me, yeah. Angels … that man had–"
"I don't care. I don't feel like talking to you right now." He went to walk off but stopped, his hand going out to the support bar on the bunk to steady himself.
Ratcliff stood, gripping Cloud's arm as he wobbled. "What happened?"
Cloud tugged himself away, growling a little. "Nothing. I'm fine."
"Maybe you should lie back down, yeah? I can wake you."
There was a brief pause, and Cloud looked as if he was thinking it over. But after a short scoff, he walked away to change, leaving Ratcliff standing there.
Ratcliff had tried to get him to stay and rest for a while, but Cloud honestly didn't feel like dealing with the man. He wasn't sure why, as he knew that Ratcliff really meant no harm by anything he had said. He just … didn't want to be bothered with any of that. He had to listen to enough of what he should and shouldn't do with the psychologist, that he didn't need his friend telling him that, too. He knew what he had to do, he just didn't know if he could bring himself to do it.
He could only imagine Zack's reaction to all, and the more he thought about it, the more he considered talking to the psychologist about how he was feeling just to get her off his back. Maybe then he could be released back to his regular duties and get away from her once she deemed him 'normal'. That word was really angering him today, but he couldn't think of a better one to describe himself, so perhaps the psychologist and Ratcliff did know what they were talking about.
"Cloud?"
Cloud sucked in a quiet gasp as he heard a familiar voice saying his name, and soon he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Zack standing next to him with a confused look on his face.
They were in the elevator together.
"Zack? What … are you doing here?" He glanced around, taking note of a few other people in the elevator who were staring at him oddly.
"I was headed up to the barracks to find you. We've been standing in this elevator together for a few floors now. Lost in thought?"
Cloud felt his face heating up. He wondered just how many times Zack was saying his name to him before he actually noticed. By the looks on the faces of the other riders, he could only assume it had been for a while; they looked just as confused as he felt. He tried to speak, but just stammered out a few squeaks instead.
The elevator dinged and the doors slid open, letting out a few passengers. Zack slapped a hand to the door to hold it, and nodded his head towards the floor. "Let's get off here."
"But …"
"Do you have to be somewhere?"
"I was going to look for you, actually."
"Then let's get off here. C'mon."
Cloud hesitated at first, but the warm smile on Zack's face urged him out the cart and onto the sixty-first floor. They entered the lounge, full of the tables and potted plants surrounding that giant fake tree. It was the same floor that they had gone to the day of their first date, and Cloud found himself smiling softly.
They took a seat close to the tree and close to each other. Zack didn't seem satisfied sitting across from him, so he scooted around to the side so he could at least touch Cloud's thigh if he wanted. Which he did when he was certain no one was looking, and Cloud's soft smile strengthened.
"So talk to me. What's on your mind that would cause you to not hear me talking to you for several floors?"
Cloud's smile faded slowly, and he just shook his head. "Nothing, I just … wait, were you in there before I got in?"
Zack's eyebrows lifted on his face. "No, you were in there before I entered. You … okay?"
"Fine, fine. I was just thinking about some things, is all. Deep in thought," Cloud said casually.
"You sure?" His thumb began to stroke Cloud's knee tenderly. "Nothing bothering you?"
He shook his head, his hand slipping under the table to hold onto Zack's. "I was actually thinking about how much I wanted to see you."
Zack grinned very wide, his eyes lighting up over those words and over the touch. "You were thinking about wanting to see me so much that you didn't see me right in front of you!"
Cloud chuckled weakly, embarrassed. "I guess so."
"You're adorable."
Now Cloud was blushing, very embarrassed. "I'm not."
"You are! I can't help it. You know how many times I've want to call you cute, but don't because I don't want you to get mad?"
"How many times?"
Zack blinked, sitting up straight. "Well, I actually don't have a number. I wasn't expecting you to really ask." He smiled at him, giving his knee a gentle squeeze. "But, if I have to take a guess, I'd say … a million."
Cloud suddenly scoffed, wiping his brow and looking up at the tree with a frown. "Damn tree."
"What? What happened?"
"It dropped sap on me."
"It did?" Zack looked up at it with him. "Cloud, it's fake."
"Oh, must've been you, then."
Zack looked at Cloud slowly, his eyes falling from the tree to his in disbelief. His mouth opened to speak, but was so shocked over Cloud's joke that he was unable to come up with any sort of retort that would have been able to stand up to that.
And Cloud looked very smug and pleased with himself. He gave Zack's hand a few pats beneath the table before he pulled away and leaned back.
"You … brat! You're lucky there are people around, 'cuz I have half a mind to cover you in kisses."
"That's an odd punishment for insulting you."
"Oh, trust me, it would be a punishment. I'd kiss you until your lips were raw and you were begging for mercy. Or air. Whichever came first."
"Probably air."
"Hm … you're right. That's not much of a punishment, is it?"
Cloud chuckled quietly. "You might want to come up with something else."
Several sexual punishments crossed Zack's mind right then, but he kept those to himself.
They sat and talked for a while, leaning in close to smile at each other when no one was looking, or reaching beneath the table to touch each other on the leg when a smile just wasn't enough. They had talked about going out for dinner or a movie, but found that they couldn't bring themselves from moving from that spot and disrupting their conversation. An hour rolled by, and they finally decided to get up once Cloud's stomach growled loud enough to be audible over their talking.
Cloud seemed a bit woozy in the elevator, so Zack pulled him close when the last person exited as they made their way to the chow hall. He made quick use of their time alone and began to kiss him on the head, claiming revenge for the previous insult. Cloud didn't seem to mind, or even find it the least bit punishing as he just closed his eyes and smiled throughout.
The chow hall was crowded, full of loud infantrymen and SOLDIERs, so they got what they wanted and took it back up to Zack's place. The deciding factor in doing that was not the rowdy men or lack of tables, but over the fact that Zack spotted a certain redheaded Turk lurking about. That was when he realized that the situation in Costa Del Sol was cleaned up, and Shin-Ra was at it again with watching them. And Zack made it well known that he was onto the Turk.
When they got back into the elevator to head up to Zack's apartment, Zack made sure to jab the button to close the doors fast enough so Reno couldn't enter with them. Reno just shrugged as the doors closed and waited for the next one. He obviously wasn't too interested in doing his job the way he was supposed to, for whatever reason. He would most likely be turning up and hanging around the 1st Class SOLDIER floor shortly, despite this.
They got inside before the redhead could show up, and they ate their dinner together on the couch, as usual. Zack hardly used his bar counter to eat, especially when he was by himself. The couch and the coffee table worked wonders for relaxing and eating at the same time, and Cloud seemed to think the same as he promptly kicked his legs up onto it next to Zack's with a content sigh.
Zack managed to find a B-rated monster movie on the television after they ate, but it was turned down low as they talked. They were reminded of the movie they saw together two weeks prior, and couldn't help but laugh and point out all the lame similarities in dialogue and pathetic special effects between the two movies. Zack even feigned being scared over the monster, and just used that as an excuse to bury his head in Cloud's neck.
"Zack," Cloud said, chuckling, "you're acting like a girl."
"Like a girl … or a clever boyfriend just trying to get close," he said, placing several soft kisses to Cloud's neck.
Cloud fidgeted beneath the touch, but allowed Zack to continue. It made him uncomfortable at first, but the kisses stayed light and respectful, so he managed to relax. "You said it again."
"What?" He pulled away, frowning at him. "Oh, I must've forgotten."
"It's okay. I guess … I don't mind it behind closed doors."
Zack sat up straight and wrapped an arm around Cloud's shoulders, pulling him close. "No, no. You said it bothered you, so I won't call you that. I just don't know of anything else to label us as."
"Why do we need labels?"
"Well, we don't need them, but I like those types of labels," Zack said, grinning.
"I noticed."
"What's so wrong with calling me your boyfriend?" He reached up and brushed a strand of hair away from Cloud's eye, only to watch it fall back in place after.
"Because it makes me feel like a girl," he said quietly, almost afraid to say it.
Zack chuckled, fighting with that strand of hair to stop hiding Cloud's face behind it. "But you're my boyfriend as well, so maybe that makes us both girls?"
"I don't think I like that."
"C'mon, Cloud! I was just kidding. But think about it, what else are we to each other?"
Cloud was silent for a while, staring off into the television as the movie flashed on screen. "I … guess you're right."
Zack leaned down, giving Cloud a peck on the cheek as he gave him a squeeze. "I'll only call you that behind closed doors, don't worry."
"Thank you," Cloud murmured, then sighed and began to shift against Zack, getting more comfortable.
"But I make no promises with Chocobo or Angel."
Cloud stopped suddenly, as if freezing.
"What's wrong?" He pulled away from Cloud, looking down at him with a concerned frown. Cloud had that expression on his face once more.
Cloud stammered quietly, his eyes anywhere but on Zack. He looked afraid to speak, and furthered Zack's suspicion of it when he closed his mouth with a small shake of his head. Even when Zack tried to urge his thoughts from him, he still refused to speak his mind.
"You can tell me. Is it something about what we were just talking about? Or … something more?"
"More?" Cloud finally looked at him, his eyebrows raising on his face. He almost looked shocked.
"Not more," Zack said, shaking his head. "I mean different. S-something different?"
"No."
"Then, what, Cloud?"
"Really, it's nothing. I don't want to talk about it."
"Come on, baby," Zack murmured, and his hand reached up to brush his thumb across Cloud's cheek. "You can tell–"
"'Angel'. I don't want you calling me that," he blurted, his face pulling away from Zack's hand in shame.
Zack stared at him for a moment, his eyes flickering on the blond who shifted uncomfortably against him. "Angel? But … I love calling you that. I thought you loved it too."
"I don't."
"What? Since when?" Zack scooted away from Cloud, leaning to get a better view of his face.
Cloud turned away.
"Cloud? Please, don't take that nickname away from me–"
"Angels – it's Mejia's first name."
Zack slowly leaned back against the couch, his hands falling into his lap. "But … it's … it's …" He trailed off, unable to find his voice.
There was nothing to debate and certainly nothing to convince Cloud with otherwise. And they were silent – Cloud sitting in shame with his head cast down to the floor and with his arms wrapped around himself, and Zack with his mouth agape and his heart twisting in pain.
But … you're my angel.
Selfish urges soon began to swell in Zack's mind, tempting him to explain to Cloud that a name was nothing more than just a word, and that he shouldn't let something such as that interfere with what they both enjoyed. He fought with his mouth as it dared to open, dared to say that the name was nothing more than a label …
A label.
… and that it meant nothing …
Zack lowered his head, swallowing hard, swallowing those urges with what would have been a lie.
It meant everything to him.
"I'm sorry," Zack finally whispered, his hand touching Cloud's shoulder gently, "I didn't realize. I didn't mean to be insensitive."
Cloud continued to be silent, looking as guilty as Zack felt.
"I didn't do that on purpose, it's just that … you …"
"It's okay," Cloud whispered, turning his head over his shoulder in Zack's direction, but his eyes were still lost. "I know you didn't. I just … don't want to be called that for now."
"I understand."
Cloud began to bounce his leg, his eyes darting over to the front door. That was when Zack realized how cold the conversation now was, and how defensive he seemed towards Cloud. He shouldn't be feeling this way. He lost the nickname, but he still had Cloud.
"Hey!" Zack said cheerfully, and he gave Cloud's shoulder a squeeze. "What do you say we finish watching this terrible movie together, hm? We can hold a contest to see who screams like a girl first."
Cloud finally moved, and Zack prepared himself to watch him get up and leave without a word. But he watched as the blond turned into him with a quiet whimper, and buried his face in Zack's neck.
"Thank you," he whispered, his lips brushing up against Zack's skin as he spoke.
"Cloud, I would do anything for you, okay?" Zack said softly, his hand going to the back of Cloud's head to stroke his hair.
"I know," Cloud said, his voice muffled and quiet.
"And … you can talk to me about anything. You know that, right?"
"I know."
"And I'll always be here for you."
"I know." His voice came out even quieter.
Zack fell silent for a few minutes, smiling a little when Cloud leaned more of his weight against him. He heard Cloud release a soft sigh, and his warm breath tickled his neck. Zack let his fingers curl in his hair, caressing his scalp with his fingertips. He began to feel his own heartbeat, and it grew stronger with the new words that were now daring to come from his mouth. "And I also want you to know that … I …"
Cloud mumbled something that he didn't quite understand, and when Zack pulled away, he could see that he had fallen asleep against him. He looked relaxed and peaceful, with eyebrows that were raised on his face and lips that parted just enough to allow for a perfect kiss, if Zack were to be tempted.
The blond was lowered onto the couch slowly, careful not to disturb him. And those tempting lips were greeted by Zack's, which still couldn't say the words that he wanted.
… I love you, my Angel.
… To be continued in Chapter Thirty-Six: Cause and Effect.
Ending Author's Note: Silly Gongagan boy. Just say it already.
Lookie what I have~~~! Nya nya nyaaaa! Moar fan-art! The sweet and talented MeykoFriend has drawn EIGHT pieces of fan-art, including concept sketches of Elici, Graves, Ratcliff and Mejia! The three friends are even in there in chibi form! Super, super cute! And of course, there are some cute Clack sketches as well! One of which is sure to give a few of you nosebleeds. *cough*SquirrelCookie*cough* Here are the links to each drawing, and they are also located in my profile as well! Remember to remove the spaces first!:
http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Mejia-Trials-168687997
http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Graves-Trials-168687927
http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Elici-Trials-168687813
http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Ratcliff-Trials-168687745
http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Collage-168687673
http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Joining-ShinRa-168687607
http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Imagining-Cloud-168687518
http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Chibis-168687403
And, and, and! Don't run off just yet! Adorable and talented lady-yuna7 (hehe, I remembered this time! No capital letters in your name!) has drawn something a bit different! Realistic Ratcliff! How Ratty would look in a more realistic style … and a more kinky style! It's like his naughty side that he hides out of shame … well, until he gets down and dirty. (He IS kinky, in case you've forgotten. Mentioned all the way back in chapter eighteen!) Anyway! Go here to view and comment and all that fun stuff!:
http : / lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Realistic-Ratcliff-169004662
And that link is in my profile too, just in case!
Many, many thanks to them both! *smoochies!*
And thanks to all who read, fave, alert and review! Reviews keep me motivated! *bouncebounce*
So, so! Tuesday, July 13th! Be here for the next chapter, yeah? Heh … Ratcliff … heee …
Oh! Before I forget … does anyone know when Clack day is? I know there are dates that fans pick to celebrate their favorite shipping, but I wasn't sure when Clack day was. If any of you fans out there know if there is a date, please tell me! A friend wants to know, and I didn't have the answer for her. Thank you! *slips off into the shadows to finish chapter thirty-eight, which has been a huge thorn in her side*