Chapter Thirty-Nine: Worth

Two months went by, and Shin-Ra seemed to be doing what it did best – being sneaky and convoluted. The company had done well in its job to keep them apart, through surprise missions when their schedules seemed to match, to having the men and women in black suits following them accordingly. The Turks even seemed to stop caring about being discreet about it, and he and Reno had gone out a few more times for lunch, and he even managed to strike up several conversations with the one named Rude. He was an interesting fellow once he opened up, and when Zack found out that he was from Costa del Sol, he decided to voice his complaint to him about the Mojitos they served there to not be minty enough. Rude just sort of shrugged and simply said he had no control over that, and didn't seem to understand that Zack was just trying to make conversation.

And when Reno was the one assigned to him, he seemed to conveniently turn a blind eye when Zack managed to get a little time with Cloud. They had gone out a few times, to dinner, to another movie, and they even just enjoyed time with each other going for a walk through LOVELESS avenue. Cloud always looked endearing as he stared at the flashy signs with large eyes, and they lit up his pale skin and soft hair with such a vibrant glow. It would remind Zack of the night of their first kiss where the moonlight had hit him in such a stunning way, that it seemed to forever implant that image in his mind. He never wanted to forget that, and he found himself thinking of that whenever Cloud would be under any sort of light, whether it be the sun, or the fluorescent bulbs inside the Shin-Ra building.

But time was scarce with Cloud for the most part. Cloud was still on light-duty and was still trying to hide it. Zack would try to find him in the halls as much as he could, to catch a much needed glimpse, but there were so many places that he could be that it made finding him quite challenging.

Zack was also finding it hard to turn in his weekly report on Cloud's behavior when Cloud himself was stationed at the front desk in the psychologist's office. He would watch him through the windows that flanked the door, bustling about as he filed things or answered the phones, and Zack couldn't think of a way to get the report in without Cloud knowing. Most of the time he wasn't able to keep his train of thought as it would be misled by watching Cloud just do something so simple as his duties. Zack was surprised that just watching Cloud work clumsily made his heart beat fast in his chest and a smile to grace his face. Even when the boy became frustrated over a sudden explosion of phone calls that made him growl so loud that Zack could hear it over the general chatter in the hallway, it still made him smile. It was then that he realized he had spent a whole week lurking about and failed to come up with a solid plan.

The psychologist must have caught onto Zack's dilemma as she had eyed him one day standing in the halls like a distraught fool, and purposely left the door unlocked while the staff was out to lunch. She had mouthed to him, 'lock up when you're done' very clearly to and then turned a blind eye. He was able to get in and out quicker than he ever thought possible. Perhaps he should have just approached her about it beforehand. But all that worrying proved to be in vain as a few days later, Cloud's light-duty was finally lifted.

And Cloud's spirits slowly seemed to lift as the days went on, or perhaps that they just had seen each other too few of times that whenever they did, it was the highlight of each other's week. Neither could stop from showing their excitement. The empty smile that Cloud had been wearing the past two months began to disappear, and left in its wake was his usual shy, but content expression when they were together. Zack was occasionally rewarded with a wide smile, that Cloud would even throw in a peek of his teeth every now and then, and he even began to initiate kisses once more, albeit a bit awkwardly.

But intimacy was infrequent. Even as it began to resume after the incident, Zack could count on one hand the amount of times that they had ventured into that. A few nights after they had tried out the new oral position, Cloud had experienced a nightmare and relapsed into another strange bout of anxiety when Zack tried to comfort him. He wasn't exactly sure what happened. They were able to spend the night together, but sleep was disrupted by familiar and disheartening whimpers. He heard Mejia's name being muttered and Zack couldn't stand to let him sleep through that. He was woken up, only to have Cloud react as if Zack was Mejia himself. All it did was become a painful reminder for the both of them that trauma liked to linger, despite their efforts.

There was a constant fleeting feeling of improvement but then falling behind again with Cloud. Zack didn't know what else to do, so he tried to hold him. He tried to urge him back to sleep, he tried to kiss him until he relaxed, but Cloud had bolted out of the bed and paced. After a while, Zack had heard Cloud rummaging in his clothes for something that sounded like a prescription bottle, and he mumbled something about a headache. A few minutes passed and Cloud came back into the room a bit calmer. But when Zack tried to kiss him again as they tried to fall back asleep, Cloud frantically pulled away.

After that, one night Zack had forced himself to stop their kissing before any tongue was even used. Cloud had pulled back and looked confused – frightened even – that Zack had stopped, but once Zack reassured him that everything was fine with modest kisses and cuddling, Cloud almost seemed relieved that things didn't go any further.

Another two weeks passed, and after so much of hardly seeing each other, roaming hands and frisky teenage hormones got the better of them, and they submitted to their more carnal needs. Cloud was visibly nervous, most likely in fear of how he himself might react to everything again, but despite their urgency leading up to their act, they managed to take it slow and Cloud was able to relax through it. Zack had tried to focus on pleasuring Cloud only, but Cloud was quite persuasive about returning the favor once Zack got him heated enough, and soon he was between his knees with his mouth encasing his length.

Zack noticed that if he lost himself in the moment and started to thrust into Cloud's mouth, the boy would freeze and tense. Cloud's hand had started to squeeze Zack's member involuntarily during, and the sound of Zack yelping snapped him out of his trance. Cloud looked mortified, but Zack couldn't help but lie through the pain and said that he was fine. After about five minutes of Cloud covering his face in shame and Zack recovering, they tentatively resumed their pleasuring.

There was something about their passion that Zack had yet to understand. Zack was deprived of sex – that was plain and simple. Since his first experience with it, he would admittedly jump right into intercourse with his relationships without even so much as to building up to it in steps. The girl in the slums was a bit different, as she took a bit of courting, but things did happen quickly in retrospect. Shortly after his relationships began, a kiss would turn to sex. There was never time taken to ease on into it.

He was growing a bit restless prior to meeting Cloud with being deprived for several months without it, and at first he feared he had taken things too quickly with him when things did get rolling. There were obvious restrictions with their relationship, and although he probably could have taken advantage of Cloud that one night when Cloud was begging, he found that expressing his feelings for him slowly was turning out to be enjoyable with even something as simple as cuddling.

There were nights where they simply did just that. Gentle passing of their knuckles across their skin, their fingertips would dance across their shoulders and arms with the speed of their melded breathing. Hair was swept through and twirled about casually, and yet each touch was savored and remembered. Conversation was light – silence only interrupted by the occasional comment about the events of their week, and conversation only interrupted by the frequent parting of their lips for a smile, or a kiss.

An aura of disappointment would hover above them as the hand on the clock would turn, and yet, they would try their hardest not to look. No amount of quiet sighing or slight frowns at the clock would make it run any slower, but as they parted, they couldn't help but feel satisfied with the short time they shared together. A squeeze of each other's hand, a modest kiss; they would say their goodbyes through soft smiles, despite not knowing when they would see each other next.

And in the days between, Zack would try to behave. He had passed by Tseng several times in the hallway while filing his paperwork, and had to literally bite his tongue as to not blurt out something along the lines of, 'What was the fucking point?'. He really didn't understand why it was kept secret from him. But he would be risking a lot if he would reveal that he knew the truth. Kunsel and Ratcliff had been ordered not to say anything about it, and Reno had risked his job to tell him when no one else could. He was still unsure if Cloud was ordered not to say anything, or if he was just too ashamed of himself to talk about it. He wished that he would, as there were times when they were together where nothing but sadness seem to fall over him unexpectedly.

And Zack remained quiet about it all, even during the times where silence would come between them, and Cloud looked as if he were about to speak and tell him everything. The mood would suddenly shift. Zack would freeze and wait, allowing him the opportunity to confide in him, but Cloud would just pass it up with an awkward smile and continue on as if nothing happened. So despite that it was eating away at the both of them, they continued to pretend.

It was one of those days where Reno conveniently became preoccupied with his phone long enough for Zack to 'give him the slip' and head down to the barracks. He had just finished submitting his bimonthly report on Cloud's behavior for the psychologist. At first it was weekly, but as time passed and Cloud seemed to be making some progress, she only requested it twice a month. He assumed his sessions were less frequent as well. This, of course, meant less paperwork for Zack, and less time feeling like he was spying on Cloud.

Reno would give him a little bit of time with Cloud, and despite the Turk being favorable towards their privacy, he was in all honesty never too far behind. He would let Zack leave his sight long enough for him to make contact with Cloud, at which by that point would be too late for the Turk to intervene and stop them. So he went with the excuse that it was too late for him to prevent them from seeing each other, and opted to follow them inattentively if they went about their business in public. Once Zack got Cloud behind his doors, there was nothing that Reno could do about it, and Zack figured Reno would rather have it that way anyway. It meant less paperwork for Reno, but in no way meant less time feeling like a spy, as when Zack would leave his quarters, there he was again.

But Reno was a far better choice, if he were to actually have one, as the other Turks seemed to take their job a bit more seriously and would divert Zack from meeting with Cloud on the off chance that their schedules actually matched and allowed for time spent together. That involved the usual orders being delivered to him to clean up monsters around the city, to dispatching of Genesis clones, to even sitting through meetings and lectures given by the department heads.

He even sat in on a lecture given by one of Professor Hojo's assistants about theories of long exposure to high levels of concentrated and pressurized mako. He zoned out about ten minutes in, and fell asleep about halfway through. Even if it was Hojo himself, who wasn't any more charismatic as this assistant was, he would have fallen asleep just as easily. Unfortunately – or perhaps fortunately – Hojo was reportedly in Nibelheim after Genesis' attempted assassination on him six months back.

Zack thought it was all a bit excessive that the company would have him watched for this long, considering that they were trying to keep something secret from him, and this in no way was making things seem any less suspicious. Perhaps they were going on the hope that he would either not notice, or assume it was because of some other reason that would make about the same sense as the real one.

And it wasn't like he could just march up to Tseng and say, 'I'll be a good boy, so stop having your men follow me', because in reality he wasn't supposed to know anything about the incident at all. But it was getting to a point where he honestly felt compelled to do just that and everyone else be damned. He was surprised that even Cloud didn't notice how often they were actually followed, but they saw each other so infrequently that perhaps there was no time to notice.

Zack paused in the elevator, his finger hovering between one of two choices. After a few impatient sighs came from some office workers in the cart with him, he jabbed one of the buttons, and the elevator began its trek to the floor he chose. Seeing Cloud in the barracks could wait.

The elevator took him to the forty-ninth floor – the SOLDIER floor. What once teemed with vivacious and eager men, now only teemed with silence and empty halls. The large computer monitors in the briefing room once held images of the enemy – Wutai or AVALANCHE – but now they flashed the profiles of people who were once comrades.

Sephiroth sat at the desk that Lazard once sat. He had his head down, sifting through a few files before him and was comparing them to files that were stored on the computer. He didn't even bother to look up from his work as Zack entered with a hiss of the glass door.

"I want them to stop following us!"

"And who is following you, Zack?" Sephiroth said casually, his eyes not breaking from his work.
Zack stopped and stood behind him. "Don't play stupid, Sephiroth! I thought you were above these types of games!"

Sephiroth finally turned in the chair, the casters squeaking as he faced him. "I'm assuming you mean the Turks."

"No shit," Zack said, throwing his arms up in the air. "Is there anyone else following me that I should know about?"

"Not that I'm aware of."

"Look, you're in charge of SOLDIER now. I know you know what's going on, and I want them to stop. Now." He jabbed his fingertip into his other palm as if to convey that he was any more serious than what his body language and tone was already giving off. "If they think it's healthy for him, then they're wrong. I don't want him to become paranoid like how I'm getting."

Sephiroth was silent for a while, leaning back in the chair and glancing over to the small monitor at the desk. "I suppose you have a point," he finally said. "I can speak to Tseng and let him know that I'll be supervising you more closely."

"But … you won't be, right?" he asked, but it was more of a demand than anything else.

"No. I trust you."

Zack's threatening stance relaxed, and his shoulders seemed to slump, but only slightly. "For Gaia's sake, it's about time somebody does around here."

"But I can't guarantee that they'll stop entirely."

"I know, just … I just want them to ease up." Zack pulled another chair out from beneath the desk and sat on it backwards. He flopped over the back with a sigh. "I can't look anywhere without seeing a black suit following me. I don't think Cloud has noticed, but he will sooner or later."

Sephiroth's green eyes scanned over his subordinate. "I'll see what I can do. But … I have some news for you."

Zack frowned and lifted his head from the back of the seat, his eyes glancing over from Sephiroth to the computer screen. "About what?"

"It's about 3rd Class Angels Mejia."

He swallowed hard. "What … about him?"

"He's been reported KIA," Sephiroth said coolly.

" … Are … you sure?"

"Yes."

"By who? Who reported it?"

"I cannot release that information."

"No, tell me, Sephiroth! How do I know this isn't Shin-Ra trying to pull the wool over my eyes again!" He stood up quickly, shoving the chair away and it rolled, hitting the wall.

"Zack …" Sephiroth began, rubbing his forehead.

"No!" Zack stepped forward, his teeth clenched. "Gettin' a little sick and tired of being treated like a fucking outsider! Have I not earned any standing in SOLDIER at all! Shit, Sephiroth! We're the only two 1st Classes left!"

Sephiroth was quiet for a while again. His fingertips drummed against the arm of the chair, and he looked as if he was thinking something over. Debating.

Zack shifted on his feet, growling a little impatiently.

"It was Professor Hojo who reported him KIA," Sephiroth finally said.

His eyebrows furrowed – greatly. "Hojo …? How … would he know that Mejia was KIA?"

"That, I'm not sure."

"And you believe him?" Zack said, almost an offended tone to his voice.

"Granted, he's not the most … credible source … but that's all we have to go by. I requested that the Investigative Department look further into this, but Tseng is refusing to do so."

"Figures." Zack threw his arms up into the air again, and they fell back down and slapped against his thighs. "This is bullshit. It can't be true."

Sephiroth studied Zack's expression, looking into his scorned face. He watched as the man fidgeted about, pacing. "Are you only thinking that because you weren't the one to take him down?"

"No, I'm saying it because I don't trust Hojo's word over anything," he said shortly. "In fact, if Mejia himself walked up to me and told me that he was dead, I'd believe him more than if Hojo told me that."

Sephiroth chuckled a little. "That's a pretty strong opinion of the man."

Zack stopped his pacing. "Don't you feel the same way?"

"Perhaps."

"All I'm sayin' is that I'm not so sure I trust anything coming from anyone much nowadays."

"Not even me?"

Zack shrugged. "Well, you're different. I trust you."

"Because there's no one left to trust?"

"No! Because …" Zack trailed off, looking away at nothing in particular.

Now they were both silent. Sephiroth held his gaze on the SOLDIER, but received no eye contact. Zack looked a combination of both skepticism and what could have been relief as he mulled over this information. It was strange to see the normally cheerful man looking like this. Sephiroth hadn't been around the building much, or even in Midgar, but when he did cross paths with Zack in the past few months, he always seemed distraught.

He could tell Zack was deep in thought, as he started to pace again. He decided to spell it out for him; Zack always was a bit late in realizing things sometimes. "You realize what this means, right?"

"What?" Zack finally said, and it looked like he was refraining from nibbling on his thumbnail as he continued his trek back and forth in front of him.

"You'll be getting a little bit more privacy. You'll be considered a lower risk of deserting now that he's dead."

Zack scoffed, rolling his eyes at the last word. "Yeah … maybe."

"Zack, you can spend more time with that cadet friend of yours." Sephiroth frowned in thought as his name eluded him for a moment. "Strife, is it?" He couldn't help but smirk again when Zack seemed a bit perkier when he remembered his friend's name.

"Yeah … Strife," Zack said softly. "Cloud." He smiled. The skepticism in his face was gone now.

Sephiroth turned back around and used a few keyboard shortcuts to navigate to a different program on the computer. He typed in a few words – Cloud's name – and looked over the screen when the itinerary appeared for his unit. "His unit should be scheduled to end their training for the day in an hour. Why don't you-" Sephiroth turned back around, watching as Zack was already out the briefing room and scrambling down the hall.

It didn't take Cloud long to get back into the swing of full-duty again. While there were days where his body seemed tired and his head gave him troubles, he was quite eager to finally resume his life in the infantry. Exercise tired him out easily, rifle and materia practice gave him headaches, yet it all seemed to be worth the discomfort.

Full-duty meant no more sessions with the psychologist. His last one had been after his release from that hellish nightmare that was her office, but he would welcome many more with her, so long as it meant he was done with actually working there everyday. So even on full-duty he still saw her, but it was only a few times more. He tried to open up just a little bit more, and she seemed satisfied with that. It was rather an anti-climatic end to it all, as she just did an overview of his progress, which really didn't seem like much in retrospect, but she seemed satisfied. It was probably all that the company would allow anyway. So, it ended with her reminding him that it was a long road to recovery if walked alone, but if walked with loved ones, the journey wouldn't seem so daunting.

And that was it.

Everyday life now consisted of patrols, missions and training. The usual. And he was excited. This was what he was here for. This was what he left home for – to join and become SOLDIER.

And the SOLDIER exams would come up quick again, especially since the elite group seemed a bit thin as of late. Shortly after he resumed his duties, he noticed black suits hanging around the barracks lately, and that usually meant the Turks were scouting for potential SOLDIER members. He even noticed them watching in the hallways, and now he was more relieved to be off light-duty than ever. He was now going to try to push himself as hard as he could to make up for lost time. If his headaches would allow for it.

They would come and go quite frequently, as would his ability to stay focused at times. That was usually only if a long string of information was fed to him at one time, and even then it was hard to remember if his head had been clear to begin with. Luckily, he had Ratcliff to help him remember a few things that he might have missed, but it was still cumbersome.

The pills seemed to help when he felt the migraines coming on, and they certainly took the edge off them. It had only ever gotten as bad as the time that Ratcliff had to help him to the infirmary, and that was the night with Zack where he had another nightmare about Kalm. It was always the same. The feel of the gun, the sound of the man's voice … even the tingling in his body from the thunder spell. It all flooded him as if he were reliving it. By now, it wasn't anything new, and neither was the pain his head that was left with when he awoke. And now, taking those pills wasn't anything new, either.

In fact, he was silently willing the formation to march back faster to the barracks so he could take his pills. Dull throbbing was forming in his temples and behind his eyes, and with each footstep from the surrounding men, it seemed to amplify the pain and drill into his patience more. He heard himself let out a shuddering and relieved sigh when they exited the stairwell and the barracks came to view.

As the men entered, he could feel from the back of the formation that each man suddenly became tense. A silent clamor began to rise from each person, and Cloud could feel the excitement travel back to him. Cloud found himself rising up on his feet to peer over the shoulders of those in front of him so he could see who or what could be causing such a stir inside the barracks.
Zack was relaxing on Cloud's bunk, one leg kicked up on a bent knee and Cloud's pillow was fluffed under his head as if this bunk was his own. Each member of the unit saluted him as they filed in, even though it looked as if he was asleep.

Cloud felt his heart immediately begin to race, and if his barrack mates had been facing him, he was sure to see their eyes burning right through him with curiosity. Zack wasn't simply sitting on his bunk … he was lying on it. And the only thing that was preventing the term 'lying in it' from flying about his brain was the simple fact that he was on top of the blanket and not beneath it. It wouldn't have made the situation any less uncomfortable, regardless.

The men stopped in a line side by side in front of the rows of bunks, and Kunsel seemed to try to keep a straight face as he paced before them while also giving Zack a sideways glance. He loudly – and purposely – barked out the dismissal of the men, and it made Zack startle awake with a yelp. This caused a few men to snort either from amusement or shock, but it only just caused Cloud's face to lower deeper beneath his helmet. He even heard Ratcliff chuckle a little.

Everyone disbanded with a 'sir', then went to change out of their uniforms, or head to the chow hall, and some even just plopped down on their bunks fully dressed. Ratcliff was already walking up to Zack with a smile. Cloud just stood there.

Zack yawned casually and stood, arching his back so he could stretch his back out. He smiled at Cloud as he didn't move. "You guys are spoiled. When I was in the army division, the racks were much more lumpier."

Ratcliff grinned, tossing his helmet up onto his bunk. "Not that you were in for long, yeah? 3rd Class came quick."

Zack laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Not as quick as you might think."

"Ah, so quicker then, yeah?"

Zack just chuckled, shaking his head.

"W-what are you doing here?" Cloud finally said, finding himself smiling a bit too excitedly. He was resisting the urge to run up to him and wrap his arms about him. Zack suddenly looked as if he were trying to do the same.

"We're going out to celebrate."

Now Cloud's smile was unrestrained, and his excitement was very present in his voice. "Celebrate? What?"

Zack finally stepped up to him, giving him a brief touch on the shoulder. "C'mon, hurry! Scoot, scoot."

"Zack, what's going on? Why're you so excited?"

Zack looked over to Ratcliff, who was just standing and smiling softly at them. "Ratcliff, you too, buddy. You're coming as well."

Ratcliff blinked in surprise.

"What's going on?" Cloud couldn't help but laugh as Zack began to usher him out of the barracks. "Zack? You're scaring me!"

"We'll go to that ramen place again if you want."

"Stop ignoring me," Cloud said as he was shoved out of the barracks.

"I'm not ignoring you, I can hear you just fine. You're ignoring me 'cuz I'm telling you to move and you're not moving! Now, go!"

"Better listen to the man, Cloud," Ratcliff said from behind, chuckling.

"See? Ratcliff is a smart man. Now, move it. I have things to share. I'll tell you guys after dinner. My treat."

They walked to the little ramen shop, the two pestering Zack about the occasion the entire way. They eventually gave up when they realized he wasn't going to give, and so they seated themselves at the counter. They ordered their meals – Ratcliff only ordering one beer this time – and Cloud was the first to break his chopsticks and hold them.

Properly this time.

The restaurant seemed brighter, and it wasn't until Zack saw Cloud smile did he realize why. The last time they were there, tension was high, secrecy was threaded through their every word and thought. But now, laughter was in control and Zack was determined to let this place etch a better memory into his mind.

It had only been a few months, and Cloud, who was once full of jitters and was constantly bouncing from anger to withdrawing in that very seat, was beside him again, twisting on the barstool happily as he ate. Every other word that he spoke, Zack was able to see glimmers of his teeth flashing beneath the lights above. Each lift of the corners of his mouth, each sparkle in his eye as he chuckled … it was all so corny to think about; yet, it was all he wanted to think about.

He could hardly remember the last time Cloud looked so natural. He racked his memory, trying to think of when he exuded such mirth as this, and he really couldn't think of a time. Cloud had seemed happy in the past, especially when he first met him in the snow … but this … this was different.

Cloud placed his hand on Zack's knee and simply smiled.

Gods … Zack loved him.

They continued their meal, now both of their hands occupied on each other's knee beneath the counter. They kept them there the entire time, which made for eating difficult, but somehow they both managed.

Zack admittedly felt a bit bad during their dinner, as most of the time he was faced towards Cloud, even when Ratcliff was speaking, but the man seemed to understand. Ratcliff noticed the gaze the two had for each other, then just smiled politely. There was no way that gaze could have been competed with.

True to his word, Zack paid for the meal, but not without having to fight off both people from trying to stuff his pockets full of gil. The fight didn't last long, as Zack made it plenty clear that it was what he wanted to do, and they weren't about to question his honor, much less his tone of voice when he told them no.

Walking back to the headquarters was more pleasant this time around, as Ratcliff was not stinking drunk and wobbling about, and Cloud was of right mind and not preparing himself to beg Zack for sex afterwards. Although … if he was this time around …

"So, what the hell was all this about? Or was this just all an excuse to go out and eat?" Cloud asked, trotting beside him, his hand dangerously close to grabbing Zack's.

"Do I need an excuse for that?"

"Not if it fills my tummy, yeah. Make all the excuses you want," Ratcliff said, watching as the two walked a few paces ahead.

"Actually … I have some news for you. For both of you," Zack said, his voice becoming more serious.

Cloud swallowed hard, his hand now going up to Zack's, but to try and stop him from walking. He continued on, however. "What is it? You're not going on a long mission, are you?"

The worried look on Cloud's face was enough to make him want to cup his cheeks in his hands and kiss him until he was happy again. "No. Not that." He stopped as they neared the Shin-Ra building. He wanted to say this outside, so when they walked back into their life inside, it would stay out forever. He turned to face both of them, a weak smile twitching onto his lips. "Mejia's dead."

They both blinked.

One continued to blink, the other cupped a hand to his mouth, uttering some sound of shock.

"I'm … not even sure if I'm cleared to tell you guys this, but I can't keep this to myself. Not after what we've all been through because of him. He was reported KIA."

Neither moved.

"However he died, it was probably too good for him. He deserved it," Zack said, his voice not fluctuating in tone or seriousness.

Neither said anything.

"I don't know who killed him, but he's dead. He's gone. He … can't hurt us anymore." Zack looked to Cloud first, his eyebrows lifting on his face as if to encourage him to do or say something. But Cloud was surprisingly neutral-looking.

"Oh," was his neutral response.

He then looked to Ratcliff, who was gone.

They both noticed at the same time, turning to see the man running towards the building.

Zack frowned, looking back to Cloud dubiously. "What the hell? Did I say something wrong? I thought you two would be happy."

Cloud frowned back at him, but it was more of a sympathetic frown than one out of disappointment or anger. "They were a couple once."

"Oh," Zack said, shocked.

"Would you mind if I ran ahead with him?"

"N-no, go. Make sure he's … okay."

Cloud nodded and stepped to him, glancing around quickly. "Kiss?" he whispered. It was then that Zack could hear a tiny bit of sadness in his voice.

"Of course," Zack whispered back, leaning down and catching his lips quickly, but softly.

"Night, Zack," Cloud said, pulling away almost reluctantly. He shared a smile – albeit worried – and ran ahead, leaving Zack standing there in shock. Shock that should have been what Cloud was feeling then … and not him.

"Ratcliff! Wait!"

Ratcliff ignored Cloud as he entered the barracks, and he let the doors close behind him, unsure if he had closed them in Cloud's face. The hard slap against them and then the rough creak of them opening after told him that he had. He would have to apologize about that later when he wasn't busy crying.

Changing out of his uniform could be forgotten tonight, and as he started to climb up to his bunk he felt Cloud give him a harsh tug on his arm, spinning him around. He faced him, shame already on his face for having Cloud see him cry.

"What the hell? Why'd you run off like that and ignore me? I'm trying to talk to you."

"I'm sorry, yeah? Just … give me time to let this sink in."

Cloud looked angry, and Ratcliff could tell that he was trying not to be. He was sure that Cloud was relieved – he had to have been. In a way, Ratcliff was as well … like an old curse finally lifting after so many years of being plagued by it, but a small part of him was still hanging on.

"Why are you so upset? I don't see how you can be crying over someone like that! It's so stupid!"

"Cloud … I know it's stupid, but-"

"He raped you, didn't he?"

"He treated me bad, yeah. But … not at first."

Cloud looked surprised about this, and now his face was softening a bit. "Oh," he said, his voice lowering. "I thought it was bad from the start."

"Not really. He was all right. Just … a little hard around the edges, yeah."

Cloud stayed quiet, looking lost in thought for a moment. He was probably trying to connect how the personality of the man could have changed like that.

"Towards the end he got abusive. But … he was my first real relationship. Something I never experienced with the … other people … I was with in my past …" Ratcliff trailed off, now the one lost in thought. "We had good times." He found himself wiping at his eyes and sniffling.

"Did you …" Cloud started, looking up at him finally, "… love him?"

"I … don't really know," he said with a sigh. "It's hard for me to say that I love someone, yeah. I tried so many times with him, but I just couldn't say it. We never did tell each other that."

Cloud pressed his lips together, hesitating in asking what was on his mind. He eventually sat down on his bunk, and Ratcliff followed him, sitting beside him.

"Go on, Cloud. Just ask me, yeah? Don't be afraid." He reached up, giving him a gentle pat on the shoulder and he then wiped the last bit of tears from his face.

"Was he ever worth loving to begin with?"

Ratcliff wasn't expecting such a question, and yet somehow it wasn't so farfetched. He thought about it for a moment, listening to himself sniffle and Cloud shift nervously on the bunk. "I'd like to think that everyone can be worth loving to some extent."

"I don't know about that," Cloud murmured.

Ratcliff suddenly chuckled, deciding to change the subject. He didn't want to bring the boy down. Not when he should be relieved over hearing this news. He reached over and pulled Cloud into a shoulder hug. "You're so funny, yeah." He forced a grin as Cloud fidgeted in his grasp. "Have you told Zack you love him?"

Cloud stammered ridiculously for a while, turning bright red as Ratcliff finally let him go. "I … but … I … no."

"Well, don't you?"

"I … never really gave it thought."

"If you have to think about if you love someone or not, you don't really love that person, yeah," he said with a nod.

Cloud looked confused over this. "So …?" He looked at him hopefully.

"Don't look at me for the answer!" Ratcliff chuckled again, shaking his head. "Even though I think I already know it, yeah."

"So …" Cloud said again, slowly, waiting.

Ratcliff erupted into loud and teasing laughter. It too was forced, but a part of him was able to laugh from the innocent expression on the boy's face. It was made worse when that expression changed when Cloud finally realized the answer to his question, and he looked away in what could have been an enthralled embarrassment. "Finally get it, now?"

"Shut up," Cloud muttered, a smile tugging onto his face.

"Did Strife tell a funny?"

They looked up to see Kunsel walking over with papers in his hand. He handed them to Ratcliff as he sat down on Elici's bed across from them.

Ratcliff took the papers, glancing down at them. "No, sir," he said through dying laughter. "He just can't admit that he loves his girlfriend and I find it hilarious."

Cloud glared at Ratcliff. "You ass. Don't start that, I swear."

"Damn, Strife!" Kunsel leaned forward, his hands on his knees. "You've been dating this broad for how long and you haven't said that yet?"

"But … I …"

"You guys just fuck buddies or something?"

"No! We haven't even-"

Kunsel cut him off quickly, his voice lowered to a hushed tone, yet was full of eagerness. "What the hell? You're saying you haven't boned her yet? I'm starting to think this girlfriend of yours doesn't exist."

Cloud groaned. "Can't we change the subject?"

"Do you need sex tips?" he said, just as eagerly, if not more. He even scooted closer to the edge of the bed. "I have quite a few stored up in my noggin."

Cloud frowned and fell quiet for a minute. He glanced between Ratcliff and Kunsel, his shoulders rolling through a casual shrug. "Well, maybe I can ask you guys a few questions … just don't make fun of me–"

Ratcliff suddenly cut him off. "These are orders … what the hell?"

Kunsel sat up straight, his jaw set. "I know," he said quietly.

Cloud looked over the orders, his eyes scanning the words, but not really being able to process them after a few sentences in.

"I'm … being sent out to search for Graves?"

… To be continued in Chapter Forty: Eager.

Ending Author's Note: Well hello, everyone! Long time no see~~3 Sorry about the month wait, but it started doing my fingers some justice, but then I couldn't resist the computer for very long and was back on it, so yeah … they're getting numb again. *giggles* Thank you to all who wished me well! At least I can feel coins again between them!

So zomg! Finally! A time skip! Have I gone mad! Up until this point I've pretty much described like … every single day. I can't imagine how that would be a good thing, but I suppose it can't be a bad thing, yeah?

Wanna hear a funny story about this chapter? I originally wrote the first half of this to be for chapter twenty-five, believe it or not! Had to tweak things here and there, but yeah! I was gonna have this time skip a long time ago. Glad I didn't. It just wouldn't have been right. XD

So a few amazing friends of mine remembered that it was Malady's one-year anniversary on August the 20th, and so they got together and conspired against me … I mean … uh … came up with a little idea to celebrate. Soyna wrote this beautiful story with a little help from RinaLuffsPokemonBoys called "A Date to Remember". It's a Zack and Cloud fic that has to be Soyna's most sappiest story yet. XD It's such a beautiful story, and it made me cry. Literally. Rina was a first-hand witness in real life. XD We actually got to meet in August, as she flew in from her country to stay with me for a week, but that's another story~~

Here's the link (remove the spaces):

http: / www. fanfiction. net/ s/ 6255067/ 1/ A_Date_to_Remember

Djali was in on this too and is planning on having some artwork to go along with the fic soon! I'll be sure to have links to that in my profile. If you follow me on Twitter or on deviantART, then you'll be the first to know when those arrive! They're all so sweet to think of something like that! It hadn't even really crossed my mind that it was the one-year, let alone crossing my mind as anything important for cause for celebration.

Also, sorry if I didn't get around to replying to some of the reviews that I was left last time. The past few weeks have been insane and now have calmed down for a little bit. I'll have time to reply this week! Anyway, next chapter will be out Tuesday, September 21st. Ew … the day after I finally go back to work after a year off. Lol! DO NOT WANT. XD

Thank you for reading, everyone! See you next time …!

… WAIT. WTF. MEJIA IS DEAD!

Edit! OMFG EDIT (09-08-10): lady-yuna7 drew an awesome picture from Chapter Thirty-Six! It's Graves and Barret glaring at each other from the very beginning! I love Graves' expression in it! It's so funny! Go here to view and comment and fave and all that fun stuff! (remove the spaces first!):

http : / lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Chapter-36-178501645

I seriously can't stop giggling at his expression. It's just priceless. XD Thank you lady-yuna! I love chu! 8D