Chapter Forty-Five: Perks and Monsters

Arms were around him, cradling his body. He was thankful for this, for he knew immediately that his legs were nothing but unraveling and fraying rope, unable to support any weight if he were to stand on his own. His head was leaden, made heavy with persistent throbbing and what felt like liquid. Was it blood?

He tried to lift his arms to whomever was holding him as he roused. It couldn't have been Zack; the touch was cold and impersonal.

"Strife," said a voice, echoing around them.

Ratcliff wouldn't call him that … that was for certain.

Ratcliff …

Cloud opened his eyes, what light in the stairwell doing little to illuminate the man in the dark suit that held him. His face was shrouded in shadow, but as the man straightened and brought Cloud to a sitting position, his features revealed sharp eyes and a round mark on his forehead.

"Ts-Tseng."

"That's right," Tseng said, peering at Cloud with what could have been a hint of concern. Perhaps it was more confusion.

Cloud looked around the stairwell, Tseng staying quiet as he did so. He felt fully roused now, even if he himself was quite confused. Where had Ratcliff gone, and why was Tseng, head of the Turks, in his place?

"What are you doing in here, Strife?"

"Taking the stairs," Cloud said carefully, his voice slurring a bit. He reached up, wiping at his head expecting blood, but felt nothing.

"Were you by yourself?"

"I was, sir," Cloud said, taking his time as though he were trying to collect his senses, although it was more to collect lies together. "Not too many people like to take the stairs …"

They looked at each other, and Cloud thought his shadowed face in the dim light was too much of an ominous sign to ignore.

He must be looking for Ratcliff.

"And why do you?"

"M-Motion sickness. I get motion sickness from the elevators, sir."

The pause Tseng took spoke volumes – he was skeptical, so Cloud interjected with the best lighthearted voice he could manage.

"Remember the mission to Modeoheim, sir? We – um … you, Zack and I – were deployed together. The helicopter ride there –"

"I remember," Tseng said coolly.

They had all been deployed together, what now seemed like ages ago, and Cloud was thankful to remember such a time, and so quickly in such a circumstance. Then again, it was the mission in which he had first met Zack, which he would never forget. Although, he would have liked to have forgotten how the helicopter ride had made him so ill in front of the SOLDIER and the head of the Turks.

Cloud waited for Tseng to speak again, but when he didn't, Cloud grew increasingly nervous and felt as though he needed to add more to the conversation. "I get woozy riding the elevators for so long –"

"Apparently you get woozy taking the stairs as well," Tseng said coldly. "What happened?"

Cloud rubbed his head with a forced groan, even though the throbbing had subsided. He took more time in trying to think of a way to outsmart a Turk, if that was even possible. "I stared down the stairwell for too long I guess. Got a little dizzy from it, sir."

Tseng's brief silence was unnerving. Surely Cloud's excuses sounded strange, but the longer that Tseng contemplated, the more Cloud hoped that he was taking the time to believe what he had said, instead of finding it too faulty.

"Are you okay to walk?" Tseng finally said. "I'm taking you to the infirmary."

Cloud swallowed hard, feeling himself pale over those words. "No, I'm fine, sir. I'll just head back to the barracks. Sorry for the trouble."

Tseng blatantly ignored him. "Or would you rather I deliver you to Zack's care?"

"Sir, please," Cloud said, trying to keep his voice sounding calm and controlled, "none of that is necessary. I'm fine, really."

"So you faint often? This is a regular occurrence for you?"

Cloud realized he wasn't getting out of this and slowly got to his feet.

Tseng rose with him, whether that was because it was merely coincidence or if he was rising in time to make sure he caught him if something were to happen again, Cloud wasn't sure.

At least Cloud stood without wobbling or groaning.

They exited the dark stairwell and began to head in the direction of the infirmary; with each step, Cloud was increasingly beginning to dread this. The last place he wanted to be was the infirmary. He only wanted to find Ratcliff again and speak with him about what had happened to him in the past few weeks. The man had started to say something, but Cloud strained to remember what it was and failed in the end. All he could recall was the haunted look in the man's eyes and the mouthing of words he couldn't remember.

Cloud looked over to the psychologist's office as they passed, with the hope to perhaps see Ratcliff in there again, but in the back of his mind he knew he wouldn't be. With the way that Ratcliff had fled the office, throwing open that door without even caring that he had knocked it into a man in the process, and then storming away like that …

Cloud's eyes trailed back to Tseng who was walking with a calm purpose past the offices. He felt himself pale more as he realized that that man whom Ratcliff had knocked the door into, whom Cloud had bumped into the previous day near the office had been Tseng.

He then wondered if there were such things as mere coincidences with the Turks.

"Um … s-so," Cloud began, his eyes flickering away when Tseng turned his head ever-so-slightly to look at him from over his shoulder, "do you get motion sickness too?"

Tseng turned a bit more, but not by much and not for very long. Cloud thought he caught a glower hidden behind that stoic expression before he faced ahead again. "No. Why do you ask?"

"It's just that … you found me in the stairwell. I was curious if you take the stairs instead of the elevator because of motion sickness."

Tseng was quiet for just a second – a second longer than what he would normally take to respond, Cloud thought.

"Being the head of the Investigative Department, I find myself with little time for leisure activities. Since I can't seem to find time to visit the gym, I take the stairs to stay fit instead."

It was a firm answer; a pointed answer. It was as though Tseng was trying to prove that he too could lie effectively.

Cloud didn't think he could pale so much in one day, but he did again.

They arrived, the glass doors parting eagerly and releasing the unmistakable scent of hospice; Cloud grimaced at the smell, but Tseng seemed unaffected by it as it hit their senses. There was the usual bustle inside – nurses darting back and forth; SOLDIERs, infantrymen and office workers alike sitting in wait on chairs, some with injuries, others with nervous looks on their faces; and the greenish hues of light emitting from doorways could only be Cure being cast on the patients. Muffled pages for doctors or nurses by name sounded above through tiny speakers, but they seemed to go unnoticed in the activity of the infirmary.

Cloud was hoping that his panic would go unnoticed as well. Immediately, as he stepped through the doors, a personal bustle of activity went through his head, revolving around the single thought of Zack finding out he was in the infirmary yet again; surely Tseng might say something, why else had the Turk threatened to bring him to Zack's care?

He started to picture Zack babying him once more, treating him as though he were to break under any form of touch. Zack had already inquired about the medication Cloud was taking; Zack had already been offered lie upon lie about everything that had happened to Cloud in the past. Suspicions were already in the forefront of Zack's mind – Cloud knew this.

Again, Cloud tried to think fast. To think of something he could say or do that could erase what had just happened from Tseng's mind, to get the Turk to ignore the fact that he had just found him lying unconscious in a stairwell with no apparent reason as to why he had blacked out …

This time he was unable to think quick enough, as they had already approached the front desk where a young female nurse sat, her eyes crawling up to them expectantly.

Tseng was about to speak on Cloud's behalf, with Cloud preparing to interrupt and speak on his own – despite the dangers of undermining a Turk – but the glass doors opened behind them and the nurse's eye darted over as someone approached. A small smile twitched onto the nurse's face, but quickly disappeared.

"I can take it from here, Tseng, sir."

They both turned to see Kunsel standing behind them with a stiff salute. Tseng's facial expression did not waver, but Cloud knew his own had certainly looked no less than bewildered.

"I am one of Strife's direct supervisors. He is my responsibility."

"Are you even aware of why we are here?" Tseng said in his usual cool manner.

"No, sir," Kunsel said with a neutral tone. "If you care to fill me in, then I can take over for you. Being a department head, I can imagine there must not be much time allotted in your schedule for minding mere infantry cadets."

Cloud was unsure whether he should be thankful, worried, or downright angry for that.

Tseng nodded coldly and briefly explained what had happened before saying, "See to it that this cadet is properly seen."

Kunsel saluted again and approached the counter as Tseng headed for the exit. He greeted the nurse formally and began to explain the situation and why Cloud needed to be admitted. He glanced over his shoulder as Tseng paused for a brief moment, even when the doors slid open for him and waited for him to pass through. Kunsel continued, already filling out paperwork, until Tseng finally exited. As the glass doors shut, he cut himself off abruptly with a single nod to the nurse and set down the clipboard that contained unfinished admittance papers.

"C'mon, Cloud, let's go." He turned, placing a hand on Cloud's back and forcing him to turn away as well.

Cloud found himself being led from the infirmary in confusion. They stayed back a bit in the hallways until they saw Tseng entering the elevator with a ding of the bell, then they proceeded to wait for the next cart.

"I thought you were admitting me," Cloud said quietly.

Kunsel snorted. "I think not. Not this time, at least." He shot Cloud a curious look. "You're walking, you're talking, you don't need the infirmary from what I can see. It was just lack of sleep, right?"

Cloud refrained from mentioning their deal the previous day in which Kunsel threatened to send him to the infirmary had he not gotten any sleep. "How did you know I was here?"

"I was going to meet up with you at the psychologist's office to see if you had found out where Ratcliff was."

Cloud made a baffled expression before their eyes met. "How did you know that I was seeing her today?"

"Kid, I can find anything out if I put my mind to it. Or, if I have connections, of course."

"What do you mean?"

The elevator dinged and they filed in with a few others. Cloud caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirrored walls of the elevator before turning his back to it. He was surprised to not see some sort of injury to his head after fainting like that. He was surprised, when he thought about it, with how fine he felt. His head was aching slightly, but other than that, he had not felt sore anywhere on his body. He expected to at least have some sort of evidence of hitting the floor of the stairwell – a bruise or a bump on the head – but there was nothing.

Kunsel was silent for a while as the cart traveled through the shaft, dropping off various passengers to their destined floors. He only continued when they were finally alone in the cart.

"That nurse at the front desk? I used to date her. Or I guess … 'dated to use her would' be the correct phrase."

Cloud made a questioning noise, unsure of how to respond to such a statement.

"How do you think I got the report about Ratcliff to begin with?"

"You dated her to get information out of her?" Cloud finally asked, although it wasn't so much a question as it was Cloud analyzing and rephrasing for his own clarification.

"Actually," Kunsel drawled, "I dated her because of her nice rack, but that's beside the point." He gave a sort of noncommittal shrug that Cloud found himself smirking over. "Turns out she was on the clingy side, which really cut into my … leisure activities."

Cloud blinked. "Leisure activities? So you were following us in the hallway?"

"I like the hallways." Another vague shrug. "You never know who you might run into. Like Ratcliff, for example."

"Ratcliff? Where is he!"

Kunsel ignored Cloud's excitement when the cart stopped and the doors open, letting in a few passengers. "As I was saying, never burn your bridges, Cloud. By having broken up with her on good terms, I get a few perks once in a while."

"Perks?" Cloud mumbled, frowning when his mind filled in the blank. "You guys don't still–"

"Information, Cloud," Kunsel said firmly, but with a short chuckle. "That type of perk. Same with the receptionist in your psychologist's office. Although, when I dated her, she was working in the Reactor Engineering Department at the time." He paused when the cart stopped and the doors opened once more, and he beckoned Cloud to follow him.

Cloud obeyed, glancing around the surroundings. He realized that they were on a housing floor, and he mildly began to panic in fear of it being Zack's floor. But it didn't take long to realize that he was not on the 1st Class floor, due to the 2nd Class SOLDIERs wandering about the hall.

"She knew more than she should have working in that department," Kunsel continued. "Anything from pressure and compression ratios of the mako, to the codes to the reactors themselves. The stress of the job got too much for her, so she was forced to see your psychologist, actually. That's what landed her the job working in there. She's a lot less stressed now."

"Why would you do that though? Use people like that." Cloud couldn't help but feel a bit resentful towards Kunsel from having learned this about the man, and he certainly didn't try to hide it with his accusing tone of voice.

Kunsel rubbed the back of his neck in thought for a moment. "Well, unlike you," he said slowly, but kindly, "sometimes people don't date for sappy love. Different motives, you know."

They stopped walking and Cloud rounded on him with an expression of pure shock. "L-love?" he stammered, aghast.

Kunsel grinned wryly at Cloud's comment, but ignored him once more. "It's not like I was a bad person. Ask them yourself. I was quite the gent while we were together."

Cloud was the one to ignore him now. "Who said anything about me loving –"

Kunsel suddenly swung open a door that Cloud had not realized they were standing in front of, and he froze, staring in.

Ratcliff was sitting inside with his arms wrapped around himself, looking frail and small against Kunsel's large couch in which he sat. In the short time – minutes – that they last saw each other, Ratcliff looked as though he had gotten much worse in composure. The skin on his face was still ashen, save for red streaks down his cheeks from what Cloud could only assume was caused by tears. His uniform looked a bit disheveled, and his leg was bouncing nervously. He looked away from Cloud when their eyes met.

Cloud stepped into Kunsel's apartment. He had never been in there before; he had only ever been in Zack's. It looked the same in design as Zack's, except for a bit smaller and much neater, even with all the electronics and gadgets lying around. Everything looked untouched almost, as though Kunsel rarely used the place, and by the frequency of how often the man stayed in the barracks, it was probably true.

"Make it quick," Kunsel said from the doorway, his hand still wrapped around the knob. "Ratcliff, you're due back in the infirmary soon. I managed to get my ex to change the time of your appointment in the system so it would give you a few more minutes to … catch up with Cloud." He started to shut the door, but poked his head back inside, muttering, "Also, don't talk too loud. The walls are thin, and Zack lives directly above me. If he hears anything you two say … well, he might go berserk." And Kunsel shut the door.

Cloud stood where he was, glancing around but not really looking at anything anymore. So many questions were going through his head, but he was unable to single one out and ask it. His mind kept on traveling back to the stairwell, replaying the scene over and over again, trying to slow it down, as though he were hoping to catch something he missed.

"You're okay, yeah," Ratcliff said softly, but his head was still turned away. "I-I was worried … I caught you before you hit the ground … but I couldn't stay, yeah, didn't want them finding us together. But I-I ran into Kunsel in the hallways and told him to go get you, yeah. Glad there's someone we can trust, right?"

"R-Ratcliff," Cloud said, walking over to the couch on shaking legs. That feeling of foreboding was washing over him again, and without knowing why, his heart started to beat heavy in his chest. "W-What happened?" He narrowed his eyes in thought, bits and pieces of their conversation in the stairwell coming back to him. "You mentioned Nibelheim … what happened?"

There was a pause as Cloud stopped in front of him, and he was preparing himself for what he thought was going to be a long time before Ratcliff spoke, if he even did at all. But it didn't take long.

Ratcliff looked up, his mouth moving with no words coming out at first, and Cloud's memory was quickly becoming jogged of what he was trying to remember in the stairwell. His thoughts seemed to reveal itself at the same time Ratcliff finally spoke tremulously.

"I killed Graves."

Cloud was speaking again even before Ratcliff was finished declaring this. "Wh-what? How?"

"It doesn't matter how, yeah," Ratcliff muttered, his voice cracking. "He's dead."

"Don't fucking joke like that."

Cloud wasn't sure if it was because his voice came out sounding not of his own, or if what he said was challenging, but Ratcliff glared up at him with anger, his shoulders pitching with deep breaths.

"Cloud, he's dead, yeah. I watched him die!"

"Why … how …" Cloud pressed a hand to his forehead, every muscle in his body trembling with surges of confusion and disbelief. "Y-you were ordered to?" he asked in a hopeful, but wavering tone.

Ratcliff was quiet for a long time, watching with delirious interest as Cloud swayed back and forth in front of him. It wasn't until Cloud stumbled and nearly buckled on his quaking legs did Ratcliff stand and help him to the couch.

"That's right, Cloud. I was ordered," Ratcliff said stiffly once Cloud was stable on the couch. "It was an order."

"In N-Nibelheim?"

"Yes."

Cloud's voice finally broke what little strength it had; he finally broke, and tears began to fall down his face, which he quickly hid behind his hands. "My … gods. W-why …"

Ratcliff stared at him expressionlessly. Cloud only knew this from glancing at him once to see if there was still a chance that it was all a joke, hoping that Ratcliff would crack his usual bright smile and reassure him that it was all fine – that Graves was fine. But his eyes were dulled, his brow slack and his mouth nothing but a thin line on his face.
"How could they make you do that?" Cloud blurted loudly, covering his face harder when his words were slurred with grief. "Why would they put you through something like that?"

Ratcliff said nothing; he did nothing. He just sat and stared, as though merely on the sidelines watching with no emotional attachment.

"I can't even imagine how you must feel."

"Like a monster, yeah," Ratcliff said monotonously.

"No! You're not!" Cloud's voice was rising once again. He tore his hands away and shifted to face Ratcliff hurriedly, unashamed of the tears streaming down his cheeks. "It's not your fault you were ordered! This isn't your fault."

Finally Ratcliff's expression softened, as though Cloud's words had reintroduced emotion into his bleak demeanor. Ratcliff slipped his arm around Cloud's shoulder as the boy continued to cry, holding him tighter when he gave a great shudder and choked out a restrained sob.

"This isn't your fault," Cloud said again, leaning into Ratcliff's embrace.

Ratcliff pulled Cloud against his chest, resting his chin atop a mass of blond hair; Cloud went with no resistance. He was finally hit with the gravity of everything.

Graves was dead.

Cloud's sobbing was now unrestrained, the only means of holding them back was muffling them against Ratcliff's chest.

Ratcliff hushed him when Cloud's tears began to soak through his uniform blouse, realizing how hysterical he was quickly becoming. "Don't cry, my friend, please," he murmured into Cloud's hair.

"You're not a monster," Cloud said through another shudder.

A smile spread onto Ratcliff's face, no matter how faint, half-hearted or brief it was. But when he spoke, his voice was sullen, holding no evidence that that smile for whatever reason had been on his face.

"We all turn into monsters eventually. If not by Shin-Ra, then by the demons in our own minds, yeah."

Cloud just continued to cry, fighting desperately to stop himself. He wanted to say so many things to Ratcliff, to drill into his head that this was not his fault; to force the man to realize that true monsters only existed in the minds of someone like Mejia, and not in the mind of someone as goodhearted as Ratcliff himself. Monsters like that lurked in the dark and were afraid of strength and of light, both of which Cloud knew that Ratcliff had. A monster could not be this kind … a monster could not be comforting like this.

"Please, Cloud …" Ratcliff whispered, lowering his face into Cloud's hair, his other arm now joining in with the other already wrapped tightly around Cloud's shoulder. He breathed in deep and held it; restrained it.

Cloud looked up slowly – expectantly – when Ratcliff trailed off with a pleading tone. "Yes …?" Their noses were an inch apart.

Ratcliff let out the breath he was holding. "I-I …" he began, his voice cracking. He seemed suddenly flustered and his grip around Cloud's shoulders loosened. "I have to go." He pushed Cloud away with shaking arms. "They'll be looking for me if I don't get back, yeah."

Cloud tried to stand up with Ratcliff, but his legs refused. "Wait, don't go!"

Ratcliff stopped, his hand already having turned the knob, but he had yet to pull the door open. He was silent for a long time again with his back to Cloud.

Cloud waited, knowing that he should probably be saying everything that had crossed his mind, but he couldn't bring himself to say it. He looked away, his voice caught in his throat behind repressed sobs.

"I didn't think anything of it at the time, yeah?" Ratcliff suddenly said, and it seemed as though he were speaking to the door and not to the boy who sat behind him. "Just the asshole saying his usual shit to get under my skin, yeah. He – He was always doing that."

"What are you talking about?" Cloud said hoarsely, his eyes narrowing at Ratcliff in confusion.

But Ratcliff continued on, like Cloud had not even questioned him, like he was holding a conversation with someone that wasn't there. "Of course, you wouldn't have remembered, Cloud. You were lying in your own blood."

"Ratcliff, please, what the hell are you talking ab–"

The door shut, and Ratcliff's footsteps disappeared down the hall.

How long Cloud had been sitting on the couch in a stunned stupor, he didn't know. It had felt like hours to days sitting there, staring with unblinking eyes at the closed door in which Ratcliff had left, shallowly breathing the cold air of Kunsel's apartment, listening to nothing but the sound of his own heart thumping in his chest, feeling nothing but warm tears rolling down his skin …

He startled himself when his legs seemed to think on their own and brought him to stand. Somewhere in the back of his foggy mind he was thankful that he had stood; it caused his chilled blood to flow again, bringing a little warmth back to his body. He glanced around, catching a glimpse of the clock – it really hadn't been long he had been sitting there after all, but the way his body was now aching as he moved made it feel as though he had not used his muscles in months.

Tears were wiped away as Cloud exited Kunsel's apartment. He now knew that he was only minutes behind Ratcliff, but he couldn't bring himself to chase after him. He knew not where Shin-Ra was keeping the man, or even if he would see him again, and even though swarms of questions were dying to be released, Cloud felt as though there was nothing left to be said between them. Ratcliff was alive and Graves was dead. There was nothing he could say, nothing they could talk about to have the situation become any more clear or real to him.

Somehow Cloud ended up in the elevator, unaware if there were other passengers around him or not. He had not the interest or the mental capacity to be aware of his surroundings, he only knew the familiar feeling of his balance being displaced by the elevator as it started to move. This too felt as though it had taken hours, but finally the door opened and he glanced up at the numbers, realizing numbly that he was at his barrack floor.

He stood in front of the double doors, unable to muster the will to enter. Entering the barracks, seeing that Graves' bunk remained empty above Elici's would snuff out the one tiny bit of hope that he had faintly smoldering about this all having possibly been a sick joke. But the only purpose Cloud could think of for such a sick joke was even sicker than the potential joke itself.

Ratcliff having claimed that Graves was dead so Cloud would no longer hang on, to forget about him, to stop asking about him, to stop worrying about him … to accept that he would never see him again …

The own absurdity of the concept was what solidified the truth in which Ratcliff had spoken. Cloud had saw no lies behind Ratcliff's grief-stricken eyes, but now was only able to see tears in his own.

Cloud gasped as his body instinctively reacted to suddenly being seized from behind. He thrashed, those aching muscles jumping at once, uncertainty drying up his tears. Reacting this way caused whomever had grabbed him to release him, and behind him stood a bewildered Zack, his arms still lowering to his sides in equal shock as Cloud turned around.

They stared at each other for several long, awkward moments until Cloud caught Zack's gaze fixating on what he was certain were his reddened eyes. Cloud was the first to move by turning away slightly, but Zack was the first to speak.

"Didn't mean to scare you," Zack said earnestly, taking a step back from Cloud as though he were trying to get a better look at him. "I seem to have developed a bad habit of doing that to people."

Cloud's mind was working very fast, but working on a single thought or action deemed impossible. He wasn't sure to divert Zack, lie or run away. "Huh? What do you mean?" was all he was able to come up with.

Zack hitched a thumb over his shoulder, gesturing to the elevators down the hall from which, Cloud realized, Zack had come not moments after Cloud himself. "Just scared the wits outta Ratcliff in the elevator. I wasn't even trying."

The mere mention of the man's name sent waves of mixed feelings crashing over him. Did Zack even know that Ratcliff had been gone for as long as he was, only to have returned spun and riddled with remorse over Graves' death? Had Ratcliff even mentioned anything about Graves to Zack during their encounter? Cloud was almost certain that Ratcliff's strange behavior could not have been well hidden if Zack knew he had been startled, just as Cloud was certain that he could not even manage to hide his own.

"R-Ratcliff?" Cloud's voice came out in a strange squeak, which he tried to quickly cover up by clearing his throat. The skepticism on Zack's face when their eyes met for a brief second let Cloud know that it was not glossed over like how he had hoped.

"Yeah, Ratcliff," Zack said slowly, inspecting Cloud. His eyebrows raised with curiosity when the double doors opened as a few people exited behind them, and Cloud couldn't stop himself from flinching at the noise; he had forgotten that they were standing directly in front of it.

Cloud glanced inside, half expecting to see Ratcliff casually lounging on his bunk in one last pathetic grasp at that faded hope that none of this had happened. But Ratcliff's bunk was empty, as was Graves', and somewhere in his mind he felt his subconscious throw that hope back in his face, as though demanding an explanation for such childish whims.

When Cloud turned back around, he saw Zack staring in as well, trying to see what Cloud had been looking for.

"What's going on?"

"What do you mean …?" Cloud said quietly, his eyes darting to watch a few of his barrack mates pass by.

Zack saw Cloud's uncomfortableness and pulled him down the main stretch of the hallway, ducking around a corner that led to different barracks. The traffic passing to and from the elevator at this time of day made it hard for them to speak freely. Perhaps it was too private because now that Cloud was standing alone in a quieter part of the floor, staring into Zack's kind eyes, he felt as though he would not be able to control the sorrow scratching away at him – sorrow that he did not want to share.

"You and Ratcliff seem upset. Did something happen?"

Zack reached up, brushing his thumb across Cloud's cheek, and Cloud froze in fear that it was to wipe away an errant tear. But when Zack pulled his hand away, he felt no remnant of wetness streaked across his face; he was thankful.

"No," Cloud said, his voice shaking when Zack smiled at him as he spoke, "nothing is wrong."

"You sure?"

Cloud nodded once but somehow returned the smile, even if it was as shaky as his voice had been.

"I was waiting for you, you know. You said you'd come back after you took care of that errand."

"I did?" Cloud murmured more to himself than to Zack. He felt his brow furrowing in thought, picking through the piles of events of the day. He nearly caught himself repeating the word 'errand' before he realized it was to see the psychologist. He could hardly remember what Zack was referring to from all of the turmoil he went through in such little time. "Oh … yeah, sorry, Zack. I forgot … got … caught up in something."

Zack was quiet; his eyes burrowing into Cloud's – strikingly blue and maddeningly benign.

"Are you sure there's nothing wrong?" Zack finally said.

"I'm sure."

"Are you sure you're sure? You seem kinda upset." A wary look suddenly formed on Zack's face, and when he spoke, his voice now had taken on a shaking tone, especially when a few men turned the corner and walked past them towards their own barrack. "I didn't … hurt you, did I?"

Cloud blinked. "Hurt me?" he said, feeling his own face twisting into confusion.

"Um … earlier this morning." Zack was now wringing his hands together, his leather gloves groaning their disapproval. "Y-you know. With … what I did."

Cloud blinked again. "Huh? What did you do?"

Zack frowned heavily, his eyes flickering against Cloud's as though he were trying to read hidden words behind his eyes. "We, uh, were intimate. I used my fingers."

Cloud caught Zack's Adam's apple bobbing as the man swallowed nervously, and Cloud shook his head to dismiss everything, his thoughts finally piecing together his day properly. After blacking out, it had felt like ages ago that they had did that.

"Yeah, no, um … don't worry about it, Zack. I said I liked it. Your fingers felt good," he said, forcing himself to sound confident.

Zack looked over his shoulder as Cloud spoke, his eyebrows raising as a few more men walked past them, taking notice of them. Zack turned back to Cloud, those eyebrows still raised in surprise as Cloud had managed to say that so freely, as though they were alone and discussing the weather. Cloud's face had not even flinched or turned its usual shade of embarrassment saying that so casually.

"Cloud, what's going on? Please, talk to me."

"You approached me, Zack. Don't you have something to talk to me about?"

Zack stared at him for a moment, his mouth agape. Cloud realized how short he sounded then, and his face quickly gained that embarrassed shade that it should have been not moments before.

"I'm – I'm sorry, that came out rude."

"It did," Zack said with a congenial chuckle when he saw Cloud fluster. "But you're right, I was just stopping by to tell you I'm going on a mission for a few –"

Cloud's eyes widened and interrupted him before he had even realized it. "For how long?"

Panic was mounting quickly; thoughts of Elici and Graves, and their empty bunks assaulted his sense of reason. He rarely felt worry for Zack when he was deployed on missions, but the thought of the man even gone for one day now instilled fear in him. Unsure when he would see him next, when he would be able to hear his voice, touch his skin, smile with him … Zack was one of the few he had left. To lose another … Cloud knew he wouldn't be able to handle it again.

But he knew that Zack stood tall; he stood with an air of comfort. Radiating from him was the strength Cloud found all too often that he needed. To soak up one moment of that strength in anyway that he could, to cling to it and hold on meant that he could handle another day dealing with himself … to handle one more lie that he childishly hoped would bring him closer to stability …

Zack looked taken aback. "A few days," he said slowly, now fully studying Cloud. "I … wish you would …" He trailed off, shaking his head slightly, but his gaze was still locked on Cloud's.

Cloud waited for Zack to continue, now realizing that Zack knew something was wrong – there was no question about that. The way he searched, the way his eyes implored Cloud for the truth, but finding nothing but a labyrinth of lies forking in endless ways in front of him … unsure of what to say … which path to take …

"... Would …?" Cloud whispered, hearing himself swallow so loudly he was surprised that it didn't echo down the now quieting halls. His mind stopped whirling; his mind stopped on the one thing that could distract Zack from his reddened eyes, from his tear-soaked skin, from all the evidence of hiding death behind fake smiles and forced words. "… Kiss you? Is that it?"

"N-no, not that, Cloud–" Zack began, but his words and breath were captured when Cloud leaned up against him, closing his mouth over his. Whatever Zack was thinking, whatever he was about to say was gone now, melted into a moan of surprise.

"I want to see you when I get back, okay?" Zack whispered when their kiss slowed to a stop. He nuzzled his nose against Cloud's cheek as his arms snaked around his waist and pressed him closer.

Cloud whimpered a response, pecking Zack's lips a few more times, even when he heard the ding of the elevator announcing that more men were about to walk past their hallway.

"Is that a yes?"

Cloud continued kissing him, his eyes closing and blocking out everything but Zack's warm embrace. "Yes," he murmured, his lips not leaving Zack's, "of course."

"You," Zack murmured as well, giving Cloud's lips a tiny nip, "sure you're okay?"

Their kissing finally stopped as Cloud pulled away.

"Everything's fine, Zack," he said carefully.

Zack smiled a little, almost sadly. "We have to let go now. People are coming."

They pulled away at the moment men began filing past and Zack stepped into the bustle, giving Cloud another smile that Cloud realized he didn't deserve.

… You wish I would stop lying to you, don't you, Zack?

And Cloud watched Zack leave in the elevator; he watched as the doors closed, leaving him with the fear of loss, and the taste of his lies overpowering the taste of their kiss.

… To be continued in Chapter Forty-Six: Scapegoat.

Ending Author's Note: Nnngh, Kunsel … I want to have your sneaky babies. Seriously, I love him. XD

Annnyway, lying seems to be a fad in this story, I swear. But you know what's no lie? How awesome this is (remove the spaces in the address):

http : / / black-moral-taka. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Serendipity-188962445

Yeeeeees! Black-Moral-Taka on (dunno if she has a personal fanfiction. net account that I can list) drew this really beautiful, but sad, Malady fan-art from the tragic Chapter Twenty: Serendipity. If you don't remember what happened in that chapter, then you, sir or madam, should go reread it.

Many, many thanks and snuggles for her. C:

WELL. I'm taking a break. A much longer break than I have taken before. My fingers are going numb again (carpal tunnel can kiss the whitest part of my ass, I swear) and I've actually been kinda … depressed … the last few weeks, so I have been unable to function properly, especially with writing. I have barely written nine hundred words in the past two weeks for chapter forty-seven, and that's an all-time record of fail. I also blame Christmas preparations and OF COURSE work. Anyway, break time. Come back … Tuesday, February 1st, 2011 (I KNOW, DON'T KILL ME) for the next chapter. It'll give me some time for my fingers to stop being punks and to hopefully get a bit further ahead with this story. I'm coming up to some very important and difficult stuff to write, so it slows me down 'cuz I wanna get it right, you know? It's for the greater good! Lulz.

I hope everyone has a great holiday and fabulous (AND SAFE) New Years. See you all next year. Love …!

Edit 12-22-10: FAN-ART! Black-Moral-Taka of deviantART. com has drawn her versions of my OCs, Mejia, Graves, Ratcliff and Elici! Whoo! Go here to check them out! (get rid of the spaces):

h t t p : / / black-moral-taka. deviantart. com / art / Malady-Original-Characters-190405807

Ratcliff looks friggin' adorable, but nnngggh Mejia...I think he's my favorite out of her interpretations! XD I know, I'm sick and twisted. BUT I LUFFS HIM. Don't judge me. 8D