Chapter Forty-Six: Scapegoat

Chasing down Wutai spies in a damp, remote cave in the middle of nowhere had left Zack frustrated and feeling isolated. It had been a long few days, but the one thing that kept him going strong was the memory of his recent morning with Cloud, which he recalled any chance he could to better his mood.

Sleeping on the rickety transport to his mission made him appreciate his bed back home, with the memory of having been warmed with Cloud's body as they slept. Eating the MRE supplied by the company on his mission – bland and unpalatable – made him long for that morning again, where he and Cloud had attempted to make a breakfast together before he left for his errand. The meal they had accomplished wasn't the best, but the experience alone was worth it, with pancakes that were light on one side and burnt on the other, and with hints of sticky syrup clinging to their lips after they ate and kissed.

And any moment he felt a pang of loneliness, his mind would not hesitate to remember how Cloud looked as he touched himself. Lying beneath Zack's body, flushed and flustered with the indecency they shared … the feeling of Cloud's tight warmth wrapped around his fingers … the sight of Cloud's tongue flickering between Zack's fingers to clean up his seed afterwards …

Admittedly, thinking about that too much had left him rather distracted during one of the last fights he encountered against the spies, and the heat of the Firaga spell that a Bandersnatch had cast had quickly brought him out of that reverie.

Somehow he completed the mission with only minor burns, but high spirits.

He had been excited to see Cloud again when he returned, as when he had caught up with him before he left on his mission, the boy seemed troubled but wouldn't admit to anything being wrong when questioned. But despite what seemed like a feigned smile that Cloud had given him, his red eyes and thick, nasally voice was hard to ignore. He had been crying, Zack knew, and as much as Zack wanted to know why, Cloud had admitted to nothing and had smoothed it all over with a kiss.

So when he arrived back at the building, Zack wasted no time in seeking Cloud out.

He was disappointed when he stepped through the double doors to the barrack and found it mostly empty. One of the only occupants aside from a few men, was Ratcliff sitting atop his bunk, idly staring up at the drab ceiling.

Zack did not approach noiselessly – in fact, a few other stragglers in the barracks greeted him with vigor when he walked in, and he greeted them back in a similar manner. He even called up to Ratcliff before he reached his bunk, and yet the man seemed to not notice him. But on the second attempt at getting his attention, the man jolted up, causing Zack to startle as well – especially when the bunk let out a metallic creak from the sharp movement of Ratcliff's reaction.

There was a wild look on the man's face – wide-eyed, fearful – and in the time that it would have taken a man to calm who had only been superficially startled, Ratcliff only managed to look more alarmed.

Zack was unsure of what to do or say; he was not anticipating to give the man such a fright like that. It wasn't as though he had done it with any malicious intent, or any intent for that matter.

"Hey, Ratcliff. Didn't mean to scare you," Zack said and frowned at those words, recalling only a few days prior when he had scared Ratcliff by merely encountering him in the elevator. There was no intent at that time either. "… Again."

Ratcliff was looking down at him as though Zack were speaking gibberish. He made no attempt to say or do anything to acknowledge that he had even heard a word Zack had said.

Zack shifted uncomfortably on his feet, a feeling of familiar foreboding hitting him when he realized that Cloud was no where to be found and Ratcliff sat completely aghast; he couldn't help but think about the time months ago …

Ratcliff stirred and finally seemed to take a mild notice of Zack. He mumbled something that Zack was unable to understand – it was much like gibberish.

"Huh?" Zack forced a chuckle. "Come again?"

"What're you doing here?" Ratcliff finally said clearly.

Zack frowned once more beneath the chill of Ratcliff's voice. Maybe he was still irritated that he had frightened him in the elevator. "Um … I'm just looking for Cloud." Zack looked around at the empty barrack, then up to Ratcliff. "How come you're not with the rest of the unit?"
"Liberty," Ratcliff said simply. "Just enjoying my day off."

He hardly looked as though he were enjoying anything. He was not reading a magazine, nor book, and was certainly not dressed to go out. He had just been laying on his bunk in full uniform and staring up at the shadows on the ceiling.

Zack decided not to question him and instead glanced around for Cloud again. "Seen Cloud?"

"He's out getting something to eat."

Zack's memory was recalled quickly to the previous time he had been looking for Cloud like this in the barracks. Ratcliff had then replied with the same answer with the same hidden fright on his face. Cloud had not been getting dinner at that time, but had just come from the infirmary, drenched in the scent of hospice. Foreboding was lingering stronger now, and he couldn't help but mistrust what Ratcliff had said.

Ratcliff lowered himself back down onto the bunk, tucking himself as far into the mattress as he possibly could. "You can wait for him if you want," he mumbled.

"Uh … sure. I think I will."

Zack took his usual waiting spot on Cloud's bunk, but he didn't have to wait for very long, which he was thankful for, for Ratcliff was now acting as though he were not there and as though their conversation had never happened – he just went back to staring.

Cloud entered with a small group of barrack mates, but as they talked and laughed with one another, Cloud stayed emotionless and was clearly not interacting with any of them. It was a surprise for Zack to see him like that, as any time he could remember seeing Cloud with others, the boy was always mingling and enjoying their company. But when Zack thought about it, those others had always been Elici, Graves and Ratcliff, and now all there was beside him as a friend was Ratcliff. Now Cloud looked lonely.

But upon spotting Zack sitting on his bunk, whatever expression of forlorn was gone and he looked instantly happier. Zack's heart skipped at the sight of Cloud's smile, and over the realization that that smile, that happiness, was because of him … and was his.

And his smile was decorated with cute crumbs on his cheeks and the smell of garlic bread on his breath when he bounded up to Zack and greeted him. Zack had to resist all temptations to tease him about it, and to kiss those crumbs off his cheeks in front of everyone.

"Enjoy lunch?" Zack said with a chuckle, resisting another temptation to at least reach up and rub his arm when more people began to file in.

Cloud went to answer but stopped before he had even sucked in a breath to speak. His eyes darted up to the top bunk.

Instantly, a cold feeling settled over them and Zack found himself turning to see what could have possibly made Cloud react this way, and he spotted Ratcliff sitting up again with a strained and guilt-ridden face. No one said anything.

Cloud's mood plummeted to one akin to what it was when Zack last saw him before he left on his mission. And as he looked on between them – confused – he received no explanation or answer to the sudden chill in the presence.

Zack could no longer take the silence, so he cleared his throat and turned back to Cloud with a smile, even if it was a little forced in the situation. "I want to see you tonight, remember?"

Cloud's troubled expression continued on, even when he pulled his eyes away from Ratcliff and focused them back on Zack's. He nodded numbly with an air of not processing what he had said.

"Y-yeah," Cloud said, nodding once more. "I remember." Cloud grabbed Zack by the arm – Zack could feel he was trembling – and took him a few steps to the side with a tremulous smile. "I'll come by in an hour. I just want to wash up."

"You can do that at my place," Zack said eagerly.

"I-I know, but I just have to do a few things here before I leave …" He trailed off with a loud swallow; his eyes darted over to Ratcliff.

"Everything okay?" Zack said as he peered into Cloud's face, trying to read him the best he could.

Cloud let out a short breath, squaring his shoulders. "Yeah!" he said, his voice suddenly upbeat. "I missed you a lot, Zack."

Zack rubbed the back of his neck, a mixture of flattery and confusion leaving him unable to respond.

"But give me an hour, okay?"

Cloud's hand brushed up against his, sending a wave of warmth through him, wiring his brain back into working properly, if not a little perversely.

"Oh, I'll give you as many hours as you want, so long as you use them to show me how much you've missed me," he said huskily.

"Make it two hours …" Cloud said flatly.

"Aw, c'mon! Don't do this to me!" Zack didn't care how loud he had said that, even when the men around them turned and stared curiously. He leaned in close, murmuring, "You know how difficult it's been trying not to think about the other morning?"

Cloud was silent in thought for a moment, seemingly taking in what he had said with heavy consideration. "One hour, Zack," he finally said.

When Zack had left, he took what little warmth there was, leaving that icy apprehension in its wake. Cloud didn't know what to say to Ratcliff and he was fairly certain that Ratcliff was feeling the same way. They both stayed in that awkward tension until Cloud hurried away to shower, still with no words spoken between them.

The past few days had been difficult. He had been alone with nothing more than his thoughts for company. His thoughts and more sleepless nights. It seemed as though the only real sleep that week he managed to get had been with Zack, and that was sleep that came from sheer exhaustion. But after finding out about Graves, and with both Zack and Ratcliff being gone, exhaustion needed to try harder to get him to succumb to slumber with the flurry of grief that had kept him wired.

But now Zack was back, and a part of him was trying to relax, but the other part had been sent into shock seeing Ratcliff sitting atop the bunk in what could have been a casual manner had he not looked so derailed. Seeing Ratcliff had been so abrupt that not even Zack's presence had managed to calm his brain from going into overload.

He stood beneath the stream of the water in the shower, failing at an attempt to straighten his thoughts. He wondered if Ratcliff had told Zack anything at all, whether about Graves or the fact that Cloud himself had blacked out in the stairwell. Cloud had not given that much thought until now; it had not even been a concern compared to everything else that had been going on at the time. Even now it was just another thought sitting quietly behind all the others that were standing and screaming in his mind.

Cloud lost track of time, not realizing how long he had been in the shower for, until the water turned cold and he began to shiver. He walked into the locker area in a daze, poorly trying to form questions he would ask Ratcliff when he gathered the nerve. They were a mixture of questions, some blunt and some delicate – each tailored to the comfort of what Cloud thought their psyches could handle. As much as he wanted to stay respectful and yet somehow pry into everything, he didn't think that either of them could handle a barrage of questions.

He weaved past the lockers and spotted Ratcliff opening and closing an empty one nearby his own as though he expected it to magically become occupied with possessions each time the door was shut. On closer inspection, Ratcliff wasn't exactly looking into the locker with any bit of interest – it just looked like he was doing it out of boredom or anxiety.

"Where have you been?" Cloud said after a few moments of watching him do this repeatedly.

"Here."

"I meant … after the mission and after the last time we saw each other."

Cloud noticed the locker was once Graves'.

"Infirmary," Ratcliff said monotonously into the locker, his voice echoing in the emptiness inside before he shut it again.

"But –" the locker opened, "– why?"

"'Cuz my head's a mess, yeah."

"It's –" and the locker shut, "– it's not."

Ratcliff finally dropped his hand from the locker to the pocket of his uniform trousers, pulling out a prescription bottle. He laughed a mirthless laugh and popped a pill.

Cloud frowned.

"Doesn't matter, yeah" Ratcliff said, slipping the bottle back into his pocket. "I'm not allowed to talk about any of it anyway, yeah."

The locker opened and shut again, this time with more force.

"How many medications are you on right now?" Cloud asked, peering at Ratcliff and his jittery behavior.

"Lost track, yeah," Ratcliff said still in that bland voice.

"Do you even know what they're for?"

"Told you already. Head's a mess, yeah."

Cloud was silent for a while. He was unable to really piece anything together and was starting to feel his patience slipping away.

"I don't understand. Why would they be keeping, no – hiding you in the infirmary for so long, and then just release you like that?"

Now the combination lock on the locker was being whirled, the clicks of the tumbler sounding rapidly. Ratcliff stared at what he was doing with such an intense gaze that Cloud was surprised that the man didn't burst any blood vessels in his eyes.

"Shin-Ra has its reasons."

Patience was gone now.

"Ratcliff, would you knock it off!" Cloud shouted, and he was unsure if it was meant for his evasive responses or his annoying behavior with Graves' empty locker. But Ratcliff immediately stopped, shrinking into himself faster than Cloud could realize that he had frightened him.

"I-I'm sorry," Cloud said quickly, sitting down on the dressing bench beside the man. "Just … talk to me. Stop what you're doing," Cloud reached up when Ratcliff's hand went to fiddle with the combination lock again and stopped him, "and talk to me."

Ratcliff put his hand down in his lap stiffly and stared ahead in the open locker. "I told you, yeah, I'm not supposed to talk."

"You can talk," Cloud said reassuringly, but wasn't all that convincing. "If they released you back to the barrack, I'm sure you're allowed to talk about some things."

"They told me –"

"Forget what they told you for a moment. You may not be allowed to talk about what happened during the …" Cloud trailed off, swallowing hard when a lump began to sting in the back of his throat. He forced it down. "… mission, but you can talk to me about how you feel."

"You sound like her."

"Who?"

"That psychologist, yeah."

Cloud thought for a moment, the woman's name having eluded him briefly. "Dr. Arolin?"

"Yeah."

He then thought back to the report that Kunsel had managed to smuggle him. "Didn't you only see her for one day?"

Ratcliff seemed to ignore him. "I like her better than Bleier, yeah."

"Then switch back to her."

"She doesn't use pills, yeah."

"Well, their methods may be different, but that doesn't mean he's not capable of helping," Cloud said slowly.

"She doesn't use hypnosis either, yeah."

Cloud stared at Ratcliff. "Hyp– are you serious? Is that even–"

"He says it'll calm me, yeah," Ratcliff said neutrally.

Ratcliff began to open and close the locker once more, his leg now bouncing.

Cloud continued to stare.

"But they won't let me change back to her, yeah."

"Then don't go at all!"

"I tried, yeah."

Cloud found he was at a loss for words. What could he say? 'Try harder'? 'Don't try, just do it' or some other ridiculous-sounding fluff that would only serve the purpose of sating the moment and not the person?

"Has … it even calmed you?" was all he managed to ask as the locker began to open and close again, this time more swiftly.

And again, Ratcliff spoke with nary an emotion.

"Yeah, I think it has, yeah."

Too eager to see Cloud, Zack had decided to leave the building and wander about in the city. He knew that if he had gone back to his quarters before Cloud arrived, he might not have had the patience to wait for him … especially when he still couldn't stop thinking about watching Cloud touch himself in his bed as he fingered him …

He had found a great thrill in entering a convenience store and buying a new bottle of lubricant, of all things. He had enjoyed the rush of picking one out, trying to decide on flavored or unflavored, then on strawberry or cherry when he finally had decided on giving a flavored one a try. He had even enjoyed a coiling excitement in his stomach as he had browsed the condom section – which he had thankfully remembered that Cloud was allergic to latex before he made the mistake of purchasing any – and then he oddly enjoyed the flush of embarrassment when the woman behind the register gave him a knowing smirk as he paid. He had thought that her tone as she told him, "Have a good night" possibly implied a bit more than standard courtesy.

As he was leaving, still with that flush, something else had caught his eye that he knew that Cloud would enjoy more than the strawberry-flavored lubricant that he had picked out. He had stood and stared at it for a while, contemplating if Cloud would be excited for it, embarrassed over it … or even if he would use it if Zack were to buy it for him. Zack came to the conclusion that Cloud would be too embarrassed over it, but he had bought it anyway.

And when the woman behind the counter said, "Have a good night" again as he paid for the second time, he flashed her a confident smile and replied, "Oh, I will."

Now Zack was pacing about his kitchen in wait for Cloud. Had it been only an hour? It felt like it had been several, as he glanced at the clock in his kitchen, and he began to dread that perhaps Cloud was not going to show. The boy had been acting strange the past few times Zack had seen him; he had even forgotten to come back after his errand during their last morning together when he said he would.

He found himself biting his thumbnail in thought as he circled around his bar counter, listening to the sound of his footsteps going from echoing on the linoleum of his kitchen to the soft pads on the carpet in the living room.

Old habits of Cloud forcing himself to make Zack happy, with equally forced smiles, and the possibility of Cloud having lied about not being disturbed over their intimacy began to worry him once again.

He looked down at his feet when he realized he still heard footsteps, even when he had stopped pacing. Much to his heart's elation, there was a knock at the door, and it took every fiber of his being not to bound over like his life depended on it.

Cloud stood before him with his head aimed up, but his eyes were no where near Zack's own. He smiled a sort of weary smile that did nothing to still the lingering worry.

"Please don't make me wait for an hour ever again," Zack said, ushering Cloud in. "I thought I was going to go outta my mind."

Cloud was continuing to avoid eye contact as he removed his boots at the doorway. "In just one hour?"

"Being away from you for one minute would drive me crazy."

"Then how on Gaia do you possibly manage?" Cloud said lightheartedly, but he seemed to be unnecessarily fiddling with his blousing straps, as though wasting time before having to stand and look at him.

"I make do."

Finally Cloud stood, but walked past Zack to the kitchen area before they could look at each other in the face. He took a seat on one of the barstools and was taking notice of the convenience store bag still left out on the counter.

"You went shopping?"

Zack hurried over, gathering up the top of the bag to hide the contents. "Yeah, I got impatient waiting so I busied myself in town for a bit."

Cloud made a noncommittal hum of acknowledgment and they fell into an awkward silence.

"Hey, um … listen," Zack said after a minute. "I wanna ask you something, but I want you to be completely honest with me, okay?"

Their eyes finally met, and Cloud undoubtedly looked frightened.

"W-what do you mean? What's wrong?"

"That's what I was going to ask you."

"Nothing's wrong," Cloud said quickly, although Zack could tell that he had attempted to make it sound casual but failed.

"Did something happen between you and Ratcliff?"

Cloud sat up straight, his shoulders squaring and stiffening, even when one of the armor pads slipped a bit. "No, why would you think that?"

Zack shrugged vaguely, now the one attempting to act casual. He liked to have thought that he pulled it off better than Cloud had. "You both seem a little distracted, that's all."

"He's just tired after his mission."

"And you?" Zack said, motioning to Cloud's tired eyes and to his leg which bounced slightly.

"I … just received lower marks than usual on my rifle qualification. I'm … a bit bummed."

"Oh."

"But I'm getting over it. Kunsel said … it wasn't the best he's seen from me, but it wasn't total shit."

Zack snorted a laugh. "So nice of him to put it so kindly."

"Yeah …"

Zack held his hand out to Cloud as he sat beside him on the other barstool. He smiled when Cloud took it; his smaller hand was warm, even through his issued gloves. But that smile soon faded when the words he wanted to speak were prickling at his tongue, and he couldn't stop himself any longer.

"I … don't think you're being completely honest with me, Cloud."

Cloud obviously paled, and Zack could only imagine that that warm hand suddenly turned icy by the look of horror that was creeping onto his face. He said nothing; he only waited with bated breath on his seat.

"I know that something is bothering you. I wish that you would …" He trailed off but a moment, only long enough to let out a quick but heavy sigh before speaking again, " …tell me what's really on your mind."

Cloud's hand began to shake in his, not even calming when Zack gave it a reassuring squeeze. "I-I really did get low scores …" he said feebly.

"I believe you," Zack said kindly. He started to stroke Cloud's hand with his thumb in an attempt to soothe his whole body, even if he knew it probably wouldn't work. "But I know there's more."

Light blue eyes darted instinctively to the door; that leg was bouncing more now. Zack's fingers tightened around that shaking hand.

"I–I," Cloud began, then swallowed very audibly, "I lied to you."

Zack was now the one waiting on bated breath.

"A-about …" His eyes darted to the door once more and lingered until he spoke again. "About the other morning."

Zack suddenly felt a wave of relief but with an undercurrent of dismay. He had hurt Cloud with his actions. Gods, why hadn't he realized? Why had he thought that Cloud would be okay with that after everything he had been through?

"C-Cloud … I-I …" Now Zack was the one swallowing quite loudly, and he felt himself beginning to perspire. "I am … I mean, I'm sorry that I hurt you. I-I knew it." Zack dropped Cloud's hand, turning away from him to face the stove on the other side of the counter. He couldn't bear to look at Cloud from his guilt and shame.

"L-let me finish, Zack!" Cloud suddenly sounded desperate and he reached over and seized Zack's hand again, pulling and swiveling him on the stool to face him once more. "It's okay, it really is. I'm okay with it now, honest!"

Zack let his eyes crawl up to meet Cloud's, but Cloud's were once again no where near his. He looked as strained as Zack had felt.

"You're lying again," Zack whispered.

"I'm not. I was a bit scared after all was said and done, but I'm okay now, I promise."

"Is that why you didn't show up after your errand?"

Cloud paused, and Zack caught his jaw working on something as though he were chewing; he must have been nibbling on the inside of his cheek or his tongue. His eyes turned back to Zack and their gazes locked; Cloud looked a little uncertain.

"Yeah. I just wanted to … think things over."

He squeezed his eyes shut; he still couldn't look at him. "Cloud, I am so sorry … you know I wouldn't do anything to hurt you like that. If I had known–"

"Zack, n-no, please. It's not your fault." Cloud's voice was cracking. "But I'm okay now, really. T-that's the honest truth."

Zack's heart began to beat in his chest when Cloud reached up and caressed his face. He wanted to lean into that touch, to scoop him up and hold him tighter than he ever had in the past. But he felt like he was no better than Mejia … like he had molested Cloud.

"Please, Zack," Cloud whispered shakily, and Zack felt Cloud's breath close to his lips. "Don't be upset. After … after I gave it some thought, I really did love it."

"You're just saying that."

"No." Cloud's voice was low now, and Zack was surprised to hear that it was almost a purr. "I really did love it. I … wanna do it again."

Zack opened his eyes just as Cloud's lips touched his in a soft and sweet kiss. He could hardly find the ability to move his lips with Cloud's, partially because he was so shocked over the sudden shift of mood, and partially because he did not feel worthy.

"I also loved watching you touch yourself," Cloud murmured huskily into his ear.

"Gods, Cloud," Zack whispered with a slight whine to his voice as the boy began to peck kisses along his jaw. "Just stop right now. I don't … I can't do that right now, okay? Not after learning this."

Cloud immediately stopped and pulled back, pale once more. "I-I'm sorry."

"You have no reason to be. I should have known not to go that far with you. You may say that you liked it, but at one point you didn't. I don't think it's a good idea to force yourself, okay?"

Unknown horrors were crossing Cloud's face and Zack could only wonder what he could have been thinking … what the outcome of the battle of truths and lies would be that tormented him. But Zack wasn't going to give Cloud an opportunity for a lie to win that battle, and he reached down, giving his thigh a pat.

"Hungry?"

Cloud looked stunned, as though Zack had slapped him across the face with this sudden change of topic. "Um … a little."

"I'll make us something to eat." Zack stood, willing himself to walk away and take on his usual upbeat demeanor. He found himself rummaging through the cabinets and humming a tune he knew didn't exist until now; he was just trying to seem normal.

He made them soup, which just consisted of grabbing a can opener and dumping the contents into a saucepan on the stove and turning it on to heat. He continued a superficial conversation with the boy, but kept his back to him the entire time as he stirred the soup. He honestly didn't know what to do once again. All he knew was that he felt like he should have been begging Cloud for forgiveness, even though Cloud now seemed settled and content as they conversed.

Maybe Cloud really was okay with what had happened in the end, but that still didn't change the fact that Zack felt as though he shouldn't even lay a hand on the boy ever again.

But that thought … that single, gut-wrenching thought melted away when he turned to serve them their meal and Cloud was waiting with large, blue eyes. While Cloud didn't look necessarily happy, he wasn't shying away now, and even managed what could have been a reassuring hint of a smile.

Zack knew there would be no way he could ever push himself away from this boy.

They for once ate at the bar counter, both alternating twisting side to side on the stools with care, as their knees would bump into each other absently if they didn't. They also gave a mocking critique to Zack's cooking, as though he had made the lentil soup from scratch himself. It was fairly good, although they both admitted it could have used some hot sauce.

The mood was now lightened, even if Zack felt that it shouldn't have been. Something still didn't feel right, but that could have just been his own heavy conscience. He was at least thankful to still be on good graces with Cloud after he unknowingly disturbed the boy with his lustful actions.

Cloud pushed his empty bowl away, rubbing his stomach with a sated groan. "Thanks for dinner, Zack. Didn't realize how hungry I was."

Zack nodded and began to wash their bowls when he felt Cloud's gaze burning on the mess. "Anytime, baby. You're eating okay during mealtimes, right?"

"Yeah," Cloud said slowly. "Why?"

Zack glanced over at him, nodding his head towards Cloud's shoulder armor which sat slightly askew on his body. "You look like you've lost a little weight."

Cloud adjusted the strap, turning a bit red, and he mumbled something that Zack couldn't quite hear. He then gave Zack a sheepish grin. "No … I, uh, the leather strap broke on mine so I had to borrow … Graves'."

"Graves? No wonder they're slipping off you. That guy is built. I'm surprised he left them behind when he left Shin-Ra …"

"Yeah," Cloud said quickly. "Ratcliff got his locker open so I took them – so what'd you buy earlier?" He stood and moved over to the bag, tugging at one of the handles.

Zack spun around and grabbed Cloud's hand with a chuckle. "Nuh-uh, sneaky monkey, don't be so nosy."

"That's only going to make me more curious," Cloud said with a slight pout.

Zack couldn't help but laugh then; it was a raucous laugh that felt like a breath of fresh air in the aftermath of the earlier tension, even if he would rather have heard Cloud laugh like that instead of himself. But with Cloud's piqued expression, with eyebrows raised and with his mouth slightly open in anticipation, he was fueled to relax.

"I have something for you in here," Zack said, dipping his hand in the bag and grinning wider when Cloud was trying to peer inside before he brought it out to give to him; Cloud was acting like an impatient young boy … it was so cute.

Cloud opened his mouth to say something, but Zack had already pulled out the item and held it up between them nervously.

"I didn't know if you'd like it … or even want to use it. But I saw it and there was no way I couldn't get it for you. Not after you made it a point to tell me how much you cherished it as a kid."

A drinking glass with bright pink pigs adorning it was handed over to Cloud's waiting hands, and he stared down at it in what could have been silent awe, but Zack was having a hard time reading his expression now.

"They had other designs. Like chocobos and moogles, even lady bugs, but I think the pink was what caught my eye. Maybe it was the curly tails, who knows." Zack shrugged, not taking his eyes off Cloud.

Cloud turned the glass over a few times, his fingers passing over the images of the pigs, and his slack mouth twitched before stretching into the widest smile Zack had seem him wear in what seemed like a very long time.

"My pig cup!" Cloud said breathlessly. "It almost looks just like the one I had as a kid!" He looked up excitedly at Zack, pointing down at it with the same vigor. "Thank you, Zack!"

Damn, he really is too cute.

"There really isn't much difference between them. Mine was shorter because it was a kid's glass, but the images are pretty similar." Cloud turned over the cup to look at the bottom. "I wonder if it's the same company …" He trailed off deep in thought as though he would possibly remember such a detail as a child.

"Gods," Zack said excitedly while laughing. "I love you!"

Cloud was still clamoring over the cup and didn't even notice when Zack slapped a hand over his mouth.

"I wonder if my mom remembers where she got it originally."

Zack said nothing, his hand still pressed firmly against his mouth.

"Maybe a neighbor gave it to her. They were always giving her things after my dad died to help her along."

Still, he said nothing.

"She'd get a kick out of this. Maybe I'll … finally write her a letter and tell her about it."

His lips were going numb now; his skin was on fire.

"But when did I tell you that I had a cup like this? How did you know? Zack?" Cloud finally looked up, their eyes meeting. His gaze trailed from Zack's hand over his mouth to what Zack was sure was a horrified look on his face.

Cloud set the cup down on the counter without looking or tearing his eyes away from Zack's. "W-what … what did you say?"

Zack finally lowered his hand, revealing a tremulous and goofy grin. "'You're too cute'?"

"That's not what you said," Cloud said quickly.

"Yes it was." Zack cursed himself mentally when his nose twitched and Cloud's eyes caught this.

"No. It wasn't. What did you say?" Cloud demanded, his hands beginning to shake down at his sides.

Zack bit his bottom lip in hesitance."'G-g-gods, I l-love you'," he repeated. "J-just without the s-stammers."

Those large, blue eyes were now staring at him without curiosity, without enamor or excitement … without the emotion that Zack hoped to hear declared back to him after he let his own slip.

Cloud's face was expressionless, even when he turned and left without a single word.

Zack stared as the door closed and as Cloud's footsteps disappeared down the hall. He continued to stare, even as he moved around from the kitchen area to collapse onto the couch.

He felt as though an old weight had lifted from his shoulders; he felt as though a new one was settling down in its place and digging its presence deep into him. He couldn't run after Cloud – he suddenly had not the energy or even any more words to say.

… To be continued in Chapter Forty-Seven: Familiar Words and Lies.

Ending Author's Babble: ZOMG HELLO EVERYONE. ; w ; I MISSED YOU ALL YOU HAVE NO FRIGGIN' IDEA. It's been a long month and a half or so, hasn't it? I hope everyone had nice holidays, yush?

So … like … ohehmgee … Zack finally let the beans spill, didn't he? Not how he exactly wanted to say it, but then again … that's life for you. Sometimes the most important things we want to say come out at the most ridiculous, yet sincere times. *giggle*

Just one quick military-related lesson: An MRE (mentioned at the beginning) stands for Meals Ready to Eat, and they are prepackaged meals (with shelf lives for up to three years!) that the armed forces use to feed their men when they're out in the field and no gourmet kitchen is readily available. Lol They are infamous for their … unpalatable and questionable quality. Some people refer to them as "Meals Rejected by Everyone", "Meals, Rarely Edible", "Meals Rejected by the Enemy", etc.. My ex boyfriend had a ton of them after he came back from Iraq and Kuwait, and I used to eat the cookies from them. = w = They were kinda tasty.

Anyhoo, I had a bunch to talk about, but meh. XD OH! I will mention this! MY DARLING KISHIKO-KEI FROM DEVIANTART. COM DREW ME SOME AMAZING FAN-AAARRRT! It's from "Chapter Sixteen: Bittersweet Angel"! The romantic fountain scene~~~

Copy and paste the link into your browser, but delete the spaces first!

http : / / kishiko-kei. deviantart. com/ art/ Undercover-Angel-195452294

If the link doesn't work, there is also one in my profile, of course! ; w ; Isn't it just beautiful?

Hrm … so I didn't get as far as I wanted during my break. I'm hitting a very, very crucial part in this story and really want to make sure everything makes sense and things are justified. So please, please bear with me. I don't want to hastily write this out and then regret something later, you know? So I'm going to hold off until Tuesday, February 22nd. Not as long as last time, eh?

Thank you for sticking around, everyone. I really do appreciate your support. :3