Chapter Forty-Eight: Deserving of Pity

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay. The site wouldn't let me upload. Kept on giving me some strange Error Type 2 message anytime I would try to edit the story to add the new chapter.

He wasn't sure what was worse or more excruciating – the migraine that developed since his conversation with the Turks, or the fact that he was now standing outside Zack's door without the answer that Zack was surely hoping for.

He had not a plan for what he would possibly say to him, let alone the will to even knock. Countless times he had stood before this door, countless times he had knocked – some being easier times than others – but never had he been so clueless towards his own intentions. 'You'll think of something' was quite a laughable thought … if Cloud was able to find the ability to laugh through the mindless void that spanned his thoughts.

But he knocked – an awkward and stuttering knock – and before long, he heard footsteps approaching from behind at a lot less rapid pace than his own heartbeat.

"What are you doing here?" Zack said genuinely, once the door was opened and once he seemed to shake off the surprise of seeing Cloud standing in front of him.

It wasn't the reaction that Cloud was hoping for … but then again, Cloud wasn't sure what he was hoping. He wasn't even sure if there was any hope for him at that moment.

"T-t-to t-talk."

Zack eyed him cautiously, those eyes still holding a light for him that Cloud knew he didn't deserve, but then stepped aside with a tremulous smile and beckoned Cloud in.

In the time that Cloud had been away, Zack's apartment reflected the dismay that the Turks had claimed he had been in. It was much like how it looked when Cloud had first set foot in there so long ago. Water bottles and ramen cups littered around, dishes were piled in the sink, and a quick glance into his bedroom revealed sheets that were crumpled at the foot of the bed with the comforter hanging off the side. Cloud hadn't seen it like this in a long time.

But there was something less bachelorish about it now, and something more … troubled. It was though Zack didn't have the effort to put in to even try.

The door shut behind, but Cloud didn't turn to face him. He felt more than nervous with Zack lingering and waiting for him to initiate a conversation. He was never good at things like this; he started to wish that Zack would heave him out the door and slam it in his face for obviously causing him hurt. But the man only walked past him briskly and into the kitchen area to open the refrigerator.

"Want something to drink?"

"Listen … Zack …"

"I have instant coffee and some hot cocoa mix. I can make you that mocha you've always wanted to try," Zack said casually.

"I-I've been avoiding you," Cloud blurted.

Zack shut the refrigerator door slowly, his shoulders sinking with a quiet sigh. He stood for a moment, contemplating what to say … quite possibly contemplating the confusion and upset he had endured for the past few weeks.

"I," he began, his hand sliding off the handle of the refrigerator to swing down by his side, staring into the appliance with an aloof look. "I was relieved at first."

Cloud shifted nervously on his feet.

"To get something like that off my chest that I had been holding in for so long …" He chuckled once, but the expression on his face was pained. "But when you left like that … I didn't know what to do. 'Was it something I said?' I had thought." He laughed again to himself, giving his head a slight shake. "I couldn't even run after you. I was so confused."

Cloud felt as though he were suddenly intruding on a conversation that wasn't meant for him to hear. But when Zack turned and looked at him, it was quite clear that Zack wanted him to hear this. His doleful eyes … that weakened smile …

I … caused this.

"I thought that maybe you needed some time … to let it sink in," he said quietly. "So, I gave you time. I'll give you more … I'll give you –" he let out a shuddering breath, "– all the time you need, Cloud. I've told you before that I'll wait for you."

They were both silent. Even with those patient words, Zack had an impatient truth lying close to the surface of his expression. The truth was that he wanted to hear the same vulnerable, yet wondrous words said back to him.

But Cloud couldn't after all his lying, all the difficulties and troubles that he had caused. Zack deserved someone better than that. Zack should not waste his time on someone as pitiful as himself …

I caused nothing but pity.

"Just … don't," Cloud whispered, lowering his head as his body began to tremble.

Zack took a few steps towards him but didn't close the gap completely, yet Cloud could feel the tension in his body from two feet away.

"Don't … wait for you. Is that what you mean?"

Cloud nodded, his eyes quickly filling with tears and his stomach quickly filling with disgust for feeling this way. He had no right to be upset after everything.

Zack finally closed that gap, his hands gripping Cloud's shoulders tightly as he lowered his head, trying to get a better look at Cloud's face. But Cloud looked away, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to flee.

"You honestly don't know why I love you, do you?" he said, his voice soft. "I can see it in your face, Cloud. You don't think I should."

I caused all the lies and all your pain.

"No. You shouldn't," Cloud whispered.

"After everything we've been through together …?" Zack asked, giving his shoulders a single shake.

Cloud lifted his head quickly, tears spilling from his eyes as they opened, releasing pent up emotions of anger and sorrow. "That's just it!" he said, his voice cracking. "Our relationship is based off my weakness and your pity. There's nothing there!"

Zack released his shoulders, taking a step back with a look of complete horror. "Why would you say that?"

"Because it's true," Cloud said, wiping at his face angrily. "We're only together because of what happened. You felt sorry for me. You and I both know it."

"You thought this way? You thought that I cared about you because I pitied you? You went along with it when you had all these doubts? You let me …" Zack trailed off, looking away for a moment as whatever thoughts may have crossed his mind – most likely sexual activities they shared as his face suddenly looked ashamed.

I just can't anymore.

"I-I've wasted your time," Cloud said and began to turn, wanting nothing more than to run.

"Goddamit, Cloud!" Zack suddenly shouted, grasping his wrist and giving it a harsh tug to face him again. "Listen to yourself! You don't mean any of this!"

Cloud whimpered as the force caused him to lose his balance and he stumbled into Zack's chest. The room was spinning and he couldn't collect a shred of his thoughts. None of this seemed right. He knew he was lying again and he didn't know how to stop.

Zack wrapped his arms around Cloud's body, pressing him painfully close. He buried his face in his hair, muttering things that Cloud couldn't quite understand through the sound of his own heavy breathing.

"I'm sorry that I had blurted it out that way. You deserved something better than a mindless slip. I should have been completely certain before I said it … but I thought that you had felt the same way. I knew you did," Zack murmured quickly, stroking the back of Cloud's head with one hand while the other still pressed into him. "I was sure the way you looked at me was the same way I looked at you. Gods … Cloud," he said, squeezing Cloud very tightly as his voice began to sound more desperate. "I do love you. I love everything about you."

"It's just pity. That's all it is," Cloud muttered coldly and to his surprise, Zack released him immediately. He nearly fell over from the sudden movement.

"I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel pity at one point," Zack said grimly, looking away. "But it was because of what happened to you, not because of how you reacted or handled yourself. You held strong, Cloud. Stronger than most people would."

Cloud scoffed and looked the opposite direction.

"Love doesn't come from pity – my love for you didn't come from pity," Zack said, his voice wavering but still held a desperate strength. "I loved you long before that happened."

"I care about you," Cloud said quietly after a moment. "Y-you're my best friend." It was getting hard to keep his voice level; it was hard keeping his mind level as everything but what he truly wanted to do and say began to take over.

Zack smiled weakly, a bit of hope peeking through.

"But … I don't know … if I love you," Cloud whispered, turning his head back in Zack's direction, but still not making eye contact.

"That's okay," he said reassuringly.

Cloud finally looked at him in disbelief, and if Zack had tears in his eyes, Cloud was unable to tell from his own blocking his view. "Is it?"

Zack sighed, shaking his head, his tone changing to one of a painful, earnest truth. "No. It's not. I want nothing more than for you to be sure that you love me back … for you to say it and mean it … for … for you to have no doubt in your mind about it." He reached up, cupping Cloud's face in his hands, his thumbs passing across his cheekbones. "But I can't force you, just like you can't force yourself either."

And they were silent again. Conflicting thoughts and feelings bombarded the both of them during that moment, and Cloud was growing more and more uncomfortable as the seconds ticked by. He didn't know what to say or what to do. A part of him wanted to fly out that door and not look back, another part wanted to break down in Zack's arms and admit that he was just confused and scared … because he was. But a third part, a deep and relentless part in him anchored itself to his rationale and fed off it, consuming it.

Insecurity was a powerful monster.

"You feel warm," Zack finally muttered with a concerned frown, the gentle movement of his hands now stilled and pressing against Cloud's face with a different purpose.

Cloud ignored him and stepped away, the comforting feeling of Zack's touch leaving him. "I don't know what to do right now, Zack."

You don't deserve that.

Zack's hands slowly lowered from where they had been – lowering with his shoulders and whatever hope that he had to convince Cloud to reconsider everything that he had just admitted. "I … don't know either."

"Maybe I should go."

"I'd like for you to stay," Zack said in what could have been a commanding tone. "We don't have to talk about this. We don't even have to be in the same room. I just want to know that you're here and are okay."

Quaking legs somehow managed to back towards the door, and Cloud's hand sought out the doorknob behind his body as he moved …

And I don't deserve you.

… He opened the door as he took one last look at Zack's heartbroken face, and he whispered, "I'm sorry, Zack," and left.

Somehow he made it back to the barrack in the muddled state that he was in. He vaguely remembered slipping through the door and passing a few of his barrack mates, some of whom spoke to him – most likely asking him if he were all right – but he didn't remember responding to any of them.

He must have said something to satisfy them, as when he stumbled into the locker area and leaned against his locker, no one had followed him in there. He was thankful for that; he didn't want to explain why his face was damp and why his eyes were red to a group of men whom would most likely tease him.

He rested the back of his head against the cool metal surface of his locker, his eyes closing when the bright fluorescent bulbs above started to make his migraine pound even harder. Even the buzzing hum from the bulbs dug its way into his head, clutching onto his nerves.

This migraine really needed to go away so he could think a bit more clear. He pushed himself away from his locker with a slight wobble and turned, taking a moment to recall the combination before opening it. He began to rummage around for his prescription, unsure of where he had left it. He found his toiletry bag stuffed in the corner and began to sift through that. His search soon slowed to a stop when the gravity of what just transpired in Zack's quarters finally hit him.

Now Cloud was confused as to which monster that lurked around was stronger. Insecurity proved to be formidable, but now regret was rising to the ranks of strength. The look on Zack's face was impossible to wipe from his mind, and his own words were just the same. The more and more that he thought about it, the stranger they began to sound. He replayed the whole scene in his head – like torture – to remind himself of the nonsense he had spouted. How could he accuse Zack of such things? It was hard to not think those thoughts, as most of what could have been considered flirting really did happen when Mejia had first thrown him against the bunk so long ago. The trip to the infirmary together, the moment on the couch together as Zack forced him to ice his ribcage … Cloud was very sure that would have been their first kiss, had Zack's phone not interrupted them.

Even when Zack took care of him after the attack in the hall outside the barrack … more and more affection seemed to come from the man, and when Cloud thought about it, it all stemmed from such pitiful things happening. Yet, Zack seemed sure of himself, so adamant to claim that he truly did love him, regardless of what had happened to bring them together. And that affection did continue to grow as time passed when things seemingly settled down.

But if none of that happened … would Zack still have said those three words to him?

Maybe love really didn't come from pity. One could find admiration or respect from the depths of pity when the pitiful began to overcome, but one could easily find disrespect or disappointment when the pitiful began to fall. But was he really overcoming?

His hand brushed up against something cold and metal in his search for his pills. He slowly pulled out the key to Zack's apartment that he had stored away in there when he first received it. He stared at it for a long time.

He … had thought all these thoughts before. He had worried about this exact conflict before with that key in his hand the last time.

If the pity eventually disappeared, and what was left was still the laughter and affection, would it really matter in the end where it came from?

He had thought all of this in the past, and back then it had not mattered to him. What had changed since then?

Zack didn't know about the attack in Kalm, or at least, Cloud hoped that he didn't; he didn't know about Graves – there was no pity from that. Zack only knew the time that they spent together and the moments that they shared. All of their smiles, embraces … all of their evolving passion …

It really was love.

"Gods … I'm a fucking idiot," Cloud muttered, giving the key a hard squeeze in his palm. The teeth were painful against his skin as he squeezed, but he couldn't even imagine letting go. He wanted to be reminded of his unforgiving mistake.

"What happened, yeah?"

Cloud jumped, his hand gripping the key even tighter as he was started.

Ratcliff stood beside him with what could have been an angry look. His eyes were scanning Cloud's face, and the more that he stared at him, the more that his expression became angrier.

"Nothing," Cloud said, giving his face a casual wipe of his hand. "Just talked to someone, that's all."

"What'd Zack do to you?" Ratcliff asked, almost hostilely.

Cloud shook his head, making a bit of noise with his belongings in his locker to drown out the fact that he was sniffling. "Nothing, for the last time."

"You're not crying for nothing, yeah."

"Yeah, just like your nightmare was nothing," Cloud muttered, but meant for Ratcliff to hear every word.

Ratcliff stood for a while, his eyes scanning Cloud's movements. "Whatever. I'm late, yeah," he eventually said, his tone dry.

"For what?" Cloud said, continuing his search for his migraine medication. "It's dinner time."

There was a rustling noise beside him, and Cloud looked to see Ratcliff smoothing out a familiar, crumpled-looking order in his hands. It was the one that Reno had flashed to him earlier that day. Ratcliff merely flashed it to him now, already assuming that Cloud could recognize it from his own that he had received in the past.

"Oh," Cloud murmured, finally coming across his prescription bottle beneath a small pile of his civilian clothes. "Want me to save you something to eat while you're there?"

"No," Ratcliff said at once.

Cloud just nodded and began to fumble with the cap of his prescription.

"Look, if Zack hurt you …"

"I'm not helpless, Ratcliff!" Cloud said, giving up on the prescription and slamming it on top of his locker. "Why does everyone think that I can't take care of myself?"

Ratcliff was now the one to look started, and for a moment, he held a very similar look of horror on his face that Zack had worn earlier. "I … just don't want anything bad happening to you, yeah."

"Are you saying that Zack is something bad now?" Cloud asked, rounding on the man with a swelling of sudden defensiveness.

Ratcliff's eyes flickered on Cloud's a few times before darting away evasively. "I'm late," he said, then walked out of the locker room.

Cloud didn't bother to follow him and egg him on; he only bothered to scoff and turn back to his locker to continue his search for his medication.

His patience was already thinned, but now it was crumbling at an incredible speed as he tossed his belongings around his locker, trying to find that damned prescription bottle. Now he didn't bother quieting his verbal temper and was quite aware of the string of expletives leaving his mouth.

He gave up with a vicious growl, slamming his locker shut with trembling arms. He had never wanted to punch his locker so much at that moment, and it wasn't even his locker's fault.

"Looking for something?"

And he started again, looking up to see Kunsel now standing beside him. He had half a mind to shout at the man for sneaking up on him like that; he was tired of people doing that to him.

Kunsel held up his prescription bottle with a sympathetic smile. He placed it in Cloud's outstretched – and still shaking – hand. "You left it on top of your locker. You oughtta be careful where you leave this thing, you know."

Cloud mumbled a sheepish thanks and stuffed it into his pocket. He knew his face was incredibly red.

"Quick question for you," Kunsel began before Cloud could whisk past him. "Know what's up with Zack lately?"

Cloud quickly shook his head, not daring to speak at first as he knew his voice would surely crack.

"Ah," Kunsel said, nodding thoughtfully. "He seems troubled, so I thought that you'd know what was going on with him."

"S-shouldn't you know? I mean," Cloud said when Kunsel lifted an eyebrow, "you do know a lot of what goes on around here."

"Not as much as I want," Kunsel said slowly, looking Cloud over with analytical interest. "I'm still curious –" his eyes continued scanning him to where it almost made him uncomfortable, as though he were reading Cloud's mind, " – about some things."

Cloud was almost afraid to ask. "Like what?"

Kunsel suddenly blinked a few times and shook his head with a smile, coming out of his contemplation. "I'm still curious to know what's going on with Ratcliff. I was just watching you two right now …" He trailed off, back in thought. "I've been ordered to submit weekly reports about his behavior." Kunsel caught the confused look on Cloud's face and shrugged. "It's nothing new. I've heard of … others in charge having to do that before. It's usually done when an individual is on light-duty, or still under doctors' care, whether for a physical ailment, or otherwise."

"Did … you do that on me?" Cloud asked as all sorts of ideas began to run through his head. He could only imagine what Kunsel had reported on him …

Kunsel shook his head. "No, I didn't."

He relaxed, if only a little.

"But, I've been reporting that he's fine. I've been lying," Kunsel said quietly, moving a bit closer as he glanced around.

"He's not, though."

"I know that. He tries to keep up a façade, but I've seen him break down. You'd think that if he were undergoing proper treatment, he'd be somewhat okay by now. Unless of course, something more than just a simple shoot-to-kill order went down in Nibelheim."

"So you know about Graves?"

Kunsel smirked. "I let you guys talk in my quarters. At least one of those gadgets in my place is a recording device." His smirk quickly died though, and he had a look of grief over Graves. Cloud followed suit and they were silent for a moment, but Kunsel gave him a pat on the shoulder when tears became apparent in Cloud's eyes, and he tried to make his voice sound more upbeat. "Normally I'd say Ratcliff needs more therapy, but for whatever reason it's not doing him any good."

Cloud swallowed the lump in his throat, also forcing himself to sound as upbeat as he could, given the topic of conversation. "So I'm not the only one."

"I'm going to get my ex to try and take a peek at his files."

"What do you think is going on? He told me that they're using hypnosis!"

"That's not an uncommon practice," Kunsel said kindly when Cloud's voice became accusing and shocked. "It's used to help issues like anxiety and insomnia. Stuff like that. It also helps to modify behaviors, like bad habits and …" He trailed off again, then mumbled his own words once more in reflection.

Cloud rubbed his head with a groan. Things were starting to point in the direction that Cloud was certainly hoping it wouldn't go.

"Something's not sitting right. Try and see if you can get any information from Ratcliff in the meantime."

"I can't," Cloud said from beneath his hands. "I had a run-in with a Turk today. He told me to keep my nose out of it."

Kunsel scoffed, folding his arms over his chest. "Typical. But don't let that stop you, Cloud. That's even more reason to suspect something bigger happened than what's being let on. I mean … just look at what happened in Kalm."

Cloud lowered his hands, a grimace on his face. "What do you mean?"

"That shit that happened to you … well, Ratcliff and I were both ordered by the Turks not to say anything to anyone. Not even to Zack."

A feeling of elation – whether appropriate or not – began to rise from Cloud's sunken stomach and up to his heart from hearing that. Even though it meant that Shin-Ra was indeed covert and solidified Cloud's fears of something more sinister going on, it still meant that Zack truly didn't know what had happened … that Zack really did love him for who he was, and not from pitying him.

It must have shown on his face, for Kunsel gave him a very odd look and studied him for a brief moment. "Anyway," he said slowly, "talk to Ratcliff. And if you think you're being followed, you probably are. If you don't think you're being followed, you definitely are."

"That doesn't leave me with many options," Cloud muttered flatly.

Kunsel just continued. "Stay clear of corners, alleys, potted plants, Commander Haskin, anyone in a suit, not in a suit, and … well, anyone, really."

"That still doesn't leave me with many options."

Kunsel finally chuckled, even if it was a bit sadly. "Go get some dinner. You're looking starved."

Cloud nodded and began to walk past him, but stopped when Kunsel spoke again.

"Oh, and if you see Zack, tell him to snap out of it and come talk to me." He paused, then spoke again, each word said very carefully and pointedly. "Tell him … he should know me better than that by now."

"W-will do," Cloud said in confusion, and left, still feeling Kunsel's analyzing stare, even after he turned the corner.

As expected, Ratcliff wasn't at dinner in the chow hall, but it was full of rowdy and hungry men to make up for his absence. And Cloud was a fool to think that the men from his barrack had not seen him enter the barrack upset earlier, and now some lightheartedly heckled him for it, and perhaps others not so much. They all seemed to be more inappropriate than usual, but then again, it could have just been Cloud's own mood affecting his views on these men.

He ignored their teasing as best he could as he tried to eat his meal, but his headache was proving to be more persistent than the jeering words of his barrack mates at the table. Before he knew it, he had pushed his plate away and sat with his head in his hands in an attempt to calm the pulsing pain. Fighting back the onset of nausea was even more of a challenge.

"Oh, look, he's crying again," said a familiar voice, yet Cloud could hardly pinpoint who it was until he peeked out from between his fingers to see Zabalza scooting closer on the bench seat. If he didn't have a large, friendly grin on his face, Cloud would have mistaken that for more malicious heckling.

"Shut up," Cloud muttered, forcing a weak smile before cupping his hands over his eyes again. "Just a migraine."

"Aren't you taking pills for those now? We see you popping those things all the time."

"I am. I did. I took them before I came here. But it doesn't seem to be taking the edge off," Cloud said, now considering why he was still in so much pain when the medication normally would bring him decent relief.

"Maybe you need to down the whole bottle," Zabalza said with a chuckle, giving Cloud a single pat on the shoulder before turning to the other men at the table and resuming his dinner.

Why was his head still hurting like this? Maybe it was from the stress of the day – or month, rather. He still couldn't even recall a night when he had gotten a decent amount of sleep as of late, and with everything going on with Ratcliff and Zack, he wasn't all that surprised he was getting one this bad right now. But he had taken his pill. He took it right before …

Cloud reached down and felt around in his pocket to find that the pill he had taken out of the bottle was still there, along with the bottle itself. He could have sworn he had taken it; it was no wonder why his migraine was still lingering.

He brought the pill to his lips as a wave of dizziness hit him. The blood in his ears pulsed whenever someone at the table shouted too loudly, and the only thing he was aware of at that moment was that he quickly was becoming disorientated. He reached out, grabbing the edge of the table to steady himself. He could do nothing but think of the infirmary, and that made him worse at the thought.

He tried to slip the pill between his lips, but something had stopped him. There was a warm sensation around his wrist, but he couldn't determine what it was in his state.

"Don't."

Cloud forced his eyes open, the light from above seemed to flood his vision. The pill was wiggled from his fingers aggressively, and it was gone before his eyes could finally adjust.

Ratcliff was leaning over the table, one arm still clasped onto Cloud's wrist, the other pinching the pill between his fingers.

"What're you –"

"Don't take that. And don't eat this either." Ratcliff grabbed Cloud's dinner tray and pulled it towards himself, panic across his face.

The attention of the other men at the table was grabbed, and some were already laughing or staring in interest.

"What're you on?" Zabalza said, watching as Ratcliff stood with Cloud's dinner.

"I'm not done with that," was all Cloud could think to say.

Ratcliff ignored him and stood.

"Dude, that's fucked up!" Zabalza said, giving questioning glances between Cloud and Ratcliff, who was now stepping over the bench seat and heading towards the trashcans. "The hell's going on?"

Ratcliff suddenly stopped, whirling around with a crazed look on his face. "They're poisoning us! Haven't you realized!"

There was a hush that fell on the men at the table, and some at the surrounding ones in earshot through the usual bustle of the hall. But it didn't take long for some of the men to start responding with rude remarks and scoffs.

Cloud stood up, ignoring the immense throb that tore through his head at the movement. "S-Stop it, Ratcliff. I don't know what the hell you're thinking, but –"

Ratcliff turned and walked to the trashcans, Cloud scrambling over the bench seat to follow him.

More jeering and raucous laughter from the men sounded. Some of what they said was indistinguishable through the chatter, but Cloud managed to hear a few of them shout, "Uh-oh, lovers' spat!"

Cloud stopped and turned, unsure if he had heard them correctly. The broad grins on some of their faces was enough to confirm. All he could think to do was to flip them off which did nothing but cause more laughter, so he continued to follow Ratcliff.

He allowed the man to dump his tray of food into the trashcan, not wanting to cause more of a scene, and trotted after him when he burst through the doors and into the hallways of the building.

"What the hell was that about?" Cloud shouted after him, trying to catch up. The man was walking at an incredible pace towards the barracks. He chased after him through several flights of stairs, all the while shouting at the man to stop. He was ignored.

They reached their barrack floor and rounded a corner. Cloud nearly collided with Ratcliff when he stopped and turned quickly.

"Are you that stupid, Cloud?"

Cloud stammered, panting heavily from what shouldn't have been an exerting activity while trying to keep up with him. He was stunned.

"Are you that fucking naïve to not realize they've been poisoning us for a long time!"

He could only stare; he could only look deep into the man before him, with some hope that this would make sense. His mind was reeling with no sign that it would stop – not when his friend … his only friend was no longer the same. His only friend that was once so calm, once so kind and level …

This friend now stood before him – eyes wide and red, skin pale and clammy, frame thinned and frail … his mind broken.

Cloud had to keep calm. If he didn't right now – as Ratcliff was visibly shaking and looking close to losing whatever composure he had left – then nothing but chaos would ensue between the both of them.

"Is that why," Cloud began, forcing the tremor in his voice to steady, "you don't eat anymore?"

"No shit!" he shouted, taking a step closer to Cloud. "Don't pretend you haven't noticed, because I sure have, yeah!"

"Noticed what?" Cloud narrowed his eyes as the man took another step closer, but Cloud didn't move away. "The only thing that I notice is that you're making one hell of an accusation towards the company. It's nuts!"

"Open your damn eyes, Cloud!" Ratcliff shouted again, moving so close that Cloud was forced to take a step back, drawing closer to the wall across from the barracks. "You think I haven't noticed how you've lost weight?"

Cloud now had to reach behind himself to feel around for the wall as he continued to be pushed back. His eyes were locked on Ratcliff's. "I haven't much."

"You can't focus worth shit lately, yeah! You have constant headaches!"

"You told me," Cloud whispered, his back finally hitting the wall, and the sound of his prescription bottle rattled in his pocket, "that was the concussion syndrome."

"Yeah?" Ratcliff said lowly, now having stepped so close to Cloud that he was forced to fully press himself against the wall. "Well, that was before I saw all that shit in Nibelheim."

Cloud's blood chilled, his eyes frozen on the man. His breath stopped.

"Give me your pills."

"W-what?" Cloud said, trying to hold onto his composure. "No." His hands instinctively went down to his pockets where his prescription resided.

"Now!"

He shook his head, his mind sifting through whatever it could to steer this conversation elsewhere – anywhere. "What happened in Nibel –"

Ratcliff struck Cloud across the face. His yell of force and Cloud's yell of surprise ripped through the quiet hall in tandem. Cloud staggered; he was unable to focus on anything but the sudden and searing pain in his lip and cheek. He couldn't wrap his mind around what had happened – and before he even had a second of a chance, Ratcliff lunged forward.

One hand was slammed against Cloud's chest, knocking him back against the wall. His head hit second. He was pinned, as Ratcliff's hand continued to press against his chest, despite Cloud's weak struggling. The man's other hand dipped down, trailing across his trembling body towards the pockets on his uniform trousers.

"Give them to me, Cloud," Ratcliff muttered, increasing his hold. "You're not going to take them anymore, yeah!"

Cloud sucked in the breath that had been knocked from his chest, blood from his newly split lip being sucked into his mouth as well. He could taste it – coppery and warm. It made his stomach churn and began to flood him with a familiar haunting. "G-get off," he said, making a feeble attempt to grip Ratcliff's shoulders.

Ratcliff shook Cloud's hands off with a simple shrug. "Where are they, yeah?" he muttered frantically, his hands groping around Cloud's body in his search.

Cloud tried to growl, but a whimper came out instead when Ratcliff suddenly pressed their bodies together, now using his weight to pin him. Cloud began to feel a swell of anxiety as Ratcliff's roaming hand brushed up against his groin when he realized the pills were in the opposite pocket.

His head was screaming with both pain and memories that quickly were surfacing. He felt the warm, familiar trickle of blood run from his lip; he felt all the familiar trauma creeping into his mind as Ratcliff handled his body in his desperate search.

Now his head lulled to the side, his blurry vision coming across an old blood stain on the wall not a foot away from where he was pinned.

"No …"

More frantic movements, more pressure, more pain.

"I care about you, Cloud."

Cloud whimpered again, images flashing in his mind of this hallway, of being pinned and defiled …

"Shh … let me do this." The pills were found, the bottle slowly being removed. "I don't want you to end up like us …"

"Please." Hot tears spilled from Cloud's eyes. "… Don't."

Cloud was released quickly and he slumped to the floor with a moan.

"I'm sorry, yeah?" Ratcliff said as he realized what was happening, his voice distant and tremulous. "I'm sorry … so sorry … sorry …" And he ran off, the sound of Cloud's prescription rattling in his hand disappearing down the hallway with his sobbing.

Cloud stayed there for a long time … or what felt like a long time. His whole body shook, yet nary a sound – sob or whimper – left his bleeding lips. He couldn't take his eyes off the old stain of his blood on the wall, and he numbly wondered if there was a new one to join it.

He eventually rolled his eyes down, almost expecting his uniform to be disheveled and his body exposed, but they hardly looked pilfered through. Yet he couldn't shake the feeling of being violated from his mind, even if that was far from what had happened.

Clambering up on weak legs, he glanced back to where his head had hit the wall, but took no solace in the fact that there was no blood this time. Even if there was, it wouldn't have made any difference.

… To be continued in Chapter Forty-Nine: Grin and Bear.

Ending Author's Note: Jeez, Cloud. It's not like Zack was asking you to marry him or anything. Give him a few months and he might, though. Teehee … C:

Hey everyone! I have some wonderful pieces of fan-art to share today! Four actually!

First is from kishiko-kei! It's a portrait of shirtless!Ratcliff (remove the spaces in the web address!)

h t t p : / / kishiko-kei. deviantart. com / art / Uhmmmm-Haigaiz-199842072

Isn't he just utterly darling? OwO What a face. I watched her work on it via Livestream. I gotta say, it was a bit surreal to watch her draw my OC's nipples. LOL

Next is three pieces of traditional art by Djali aka Kitsuchi-chan (remove the spaces in the web addresses!)

From Chapter Thirty-Three: Unspoken Words

http : / / kitsuchi-chan. deviantart. com / art / Malady-Unspoken-Words-200822029

Ratcliff again! w Getting a fluffy hug from fluffy Cloud. Lol

From Chapter Thirty-Six: Cause and Effect

h t t p : / / kitsuchi-chan. deviantart. com / art / Malady-Cause-and-Effect-200816364

ZOMG HALF NAKED ZACK AND CLOUD! The blush on Zack's face … so hot. Lucky Cloud.

From Chapter Twenty-Four: Understanding

h t t p : / / kitsuchi-chan. deviantart. com / art / Malady-Understand-200822893

This has to be my favorite piece she's done for me so far. I really do love it. She captured the tender moment better than I did in the story! Lol! And omg! Cloud butt! *noms on it*

If you have trouble accessing these pieces, they are also linked in my profile here. You can also find them through my deviantART account, which there is a link in my profile here, as well. C: Please check them out and leave a comment for the artists if you have an account on that site! Thank you so much, Kishi and Kitsuchi! Hehehe, my K Girls. XD

Sorry about the wait for this chapter everyone. Thank you for your patience and understanding too. I just have a bit of a mental block lately, and it's probably because of the plot I have to get over in the chapters I'm writing. This one scene in 50 that was a measly 2,000 words or so took me about three weeks to write. Normally 2,000 words would take me about four hours to so to write, so that puts my writing block in some perspective for you.

So forgive me, I'm holding off until Tuesday, April 26th. I know it's a long time, but just take comfort that I will not quit and I will get over this writer's block … as soon as I get over this plot. You'll understand what I mean when the time comes.

Love you bunches!