Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, nor anything affiiated with it. I also do not own any songs used in this fic, all rights to those songs belong to the artists, go support their work on Youtube, Spotify, or other music platforms.

Hermione's POV

I've just finished stirring the penne when I hear a knock at the door. I put down the ladle and turn off the stove so I can answer it without burning the house down. I unlock the door and open it to see Ron standing on my porch, looking nervous.

"Hey, Hermione, why are you ignoring me?" I scoff quietly at his words. Something tells me this won't be a short chat, and I lean against the frame with my arms crossed.

"You don't know why I'm ignoring you? I'm pretty sure both Harry and I have been very clear about why we're upset. He may have cooled down a bit, but that doesn't mean I have, or will anytime soon."

"Don't you think that's a little unreasonable, 'Mione?"

"All of us told you to leave Malfoy and his mother alone. Instead, the moment we leave you alone, you start a fight with him! You could have killed him and ended up in Azkaban! Think of the example you set for everyone there that day! You're one of the most famous veterans from the war. People look up to you!"

He tries to cut me off but I don't let him.

"I'm ignoring you because you were being a pig-headed, arrogant, thoughtless, fool!" At this point, I'm gesturing everywhere and pacing in my hallway. He doesn't understand, and I don't think he ever will. No matter how many times we tell him, he thinks he can waltz around, getting himself into fights with everyone. He'll say that he's sorry and then do exactly what he promised not to do.

"'Mione, you know I try my best." The pleading tone in his voice and his use of my nickname make me even more frustrated. It's as if he thought it would make me forgive him sooner. If he wasn't one of my best friends, I would have slapped him like I slapped Malfoy in Third Year.

"No, Ron, this is not your best and I hope you don't truly believe that. You can't go looking for trouble like you did when we were kids. You've gone too far this time. We're adults now, and if this is truly your best, then I'm sorry for you. At the very least, your best should be accepted by most of society!" Ron begins to shrink as he realizes just how angry I am. Behind all of that though, I'm sad. I'm sad that someone I loved could have become this.

Trying to hold back tears, I continue, "So if this is how you try to apologize, by making excuses and pretending that you didn't do anything wrong, then I don't want to see you again. You can come back once you figure out what you did wrong."

Unable to speak any longer, I slam the door and run upstairs to my bedroom. I curl up on my bed, tears streaming down my cheeks. Shaky breaths mix with hiccups as I try to calm down. Soon, my breathing and pounding chest slow and the tears dry on my face. Even though I told Ron to leave, I desperately want him to come back. Seeing him go seems so wrong. Why can't he see that what he's doing now is everything we fought against? It doesn't matter now, he's probably too angry to change now.

I push myself off the bed and go to my bathroom. I splash my face with water from the sink, wiping the tears from my cheeks. Using the cup on the shelf, I drink a few glasses of water to clear my throat. I feel a little better now, but not much. Certainly not enough to eat dinner.

Walking back out to my bedroom, I sit back down and pull out my phone. I don't care that the pasta is still on the stove getting cold now, I need to listen to some music. I hit shuffle and hope for a song that might make me feel a little better, but instead, the first one to play is Save Myself.

I gave all my oxygen to people that could breathe
I gave away my money and now we don't even speak
I drove miles and miles, but would you do the same for me?
Oh, honestly?

I haven't heard this song in years, but it reminds me of all the times I helped my friends and never got anything back. With homework, friendships, or just having fun, I gave my everything. After a while, I began to think that they took my help for granted. That hurt, especially since they were the first people who appreciated me besides my parents.

Offered up my shoulder just for you to cry upon
Gave you constant shelter and a bed to keep you warm
They gave me the heartache and in return I gave a song
It goes on and on

At first, everything was fine, but when I started asking them for help, things seemed to change. The first few times they were confused. I'd ask if they had extra parchment or if they remembered what the homework was. They didn't understand or realize that something was going on. It started happening around Fourth Year; when we first saw the Mark and Harry ended up in the tournament. I became increasingly anxious and, though it doesn't show much on my grades, my performance was slipping. I would forget to plan my homework and I pulled all-nighters. I forgot some of my stationery in my dorm and had to borrow from others. A lot of it seems trivial now, but it seemed like a big deal at the time.

So before I save someone else, I've got to save myself

I began to drown in my work, even though I never showed it. I stopped asking Harry and Ron for help, choosing to work with Luna and Neville instead. We would meet in the library when Harry and Ron were at Quidditch practises so they wouldn't ask questions. Even though I was helping Neville with work that he struggled with, it felt different. I helped them, but they also helped me. It was like a study group and it worked for a while. Then my fears started taking over again and I would spend a lot of time lost in thought about what the future would hold for us.

I gave you all my energy and I took away your pain
'Cause human beings are destined to radiate or dream
What line do we stand upon 'cause from here looks the same?
And only scars remain

The Yule ball rolled around in our fourth year, and Ron never asked me to the dance. I'd had a crush on Ron since Third Year, but I didn't think much about it until then. I waited and waited for him, but the thought never crossed his mind. He finally asked me, but it was a last minute thought. I felt hurt then and accepted Viktor's offer since he'd been asking me for weeks. At the ball, Ron had the nerve to make fun of the one person who seemed to care about me and insulted my judgement. He argued with me and made me feel horrible, our fight drawing the attention of everyone around us.

Love started to hurt and I wondered if I'd ever look at it the same way or if I'd start to become numb to the feelings that I kept hidden inside. I began to think that by suppressing those feelings I'd build up resistance to them and eventually just stop feeling anything.

So before I save someone else, I've got to save myself

The threat of Voldemort began to weigh heavily on my mind in our Sixth Year. I began to worry, not just for Harry, Ron, and myself, but for my parents as well. I was worried that the Death Eaters might go after them. I couldn't bear the idea of them dying because of me. All the stress messed with my head, but I kept up a mask to prevent my emotion from rushing out. My control got better and I only lost control a few times. The worst was when Ron and Lavender kissed after the Quidditch match and ran in on Harry and I comforting each other. I cracked then, attacking him with enchanted birds while sobbing in Harry's arms.

But if don't
Then I'll go back
To where I'm rescuing a stranger
Just because they needed saving just like that

Oh, I'm here again
Between the devil and the danger
But I guess it's just my nature

So before I save someone else
I've got to save myself

After that I was determined to get stronger, but Dumbledore's death made the stress, paranoia, and haunting thoughts return. When I got back home that summer, I came up with a plan to obliviate my parents and send them to Australia. Unfortunately, it didn't work. In the end they died before I could bring them back after the war.

Then there was Ron. When he left us in the forest, he broke my heart for the third time. Once again he left me alone, and we had to deal with the mess he left behind. When he came back, I forgave him but our relationship was forever tainted. I began to realize that I didn't love him the way I once did, and I started drifting away from him, particularly after the war.

I drifted away from everyone because of the death of my parents, but from him especially. I retreated into a shell, but when my friends asked me how I was, I told them that I was fine. I wish they had tried harder to see what was going on, but I can't fault them for not seeing through my lies. Although I enjoyed many memories with my friends in our last years at Hogwarts, I would always remember the stress, fear, heartbreak, and pain that came with it.

So before I save someone else, I've got to save myself
And before I blame someone else, I've got to save myself
And before I love someone else, I've got to love myself

As the song ends, I feel strangely relaxed. I roll over to my side and remove one earbud. As soon as I settle down, I drift into some much-needed sleep.

Author's Note: I chose the song more for the emotion and I don't recommend drugs and alcohol for handling your problems in life, especially since some of you underage. Unfortunately Ed Sheeran's songs aren't the cleanest. I apologize if anyone was upset by this. Please review or send me a Private Message by clicking the little envelope icon at the top near my name. I'd really like to hear feedback on this chapter in particular as it's the first time I've incorporated a song into the story. Any and all suggestions are welcome. Thank you all for reading, and I hope you have a wonderful week. Until next time!