Chapter 27
Hermione Granger was in love with Draco Malfoy.
It wasn't as if that were so much of a surprise to her; she had known that she loved him for the last few weeks since they all but confessed it at Valentines' day. And the words still rang true for her; she still loved him deeply with her entire heart.
He meant everything to her, and she never thought those feelings would be able to fade away, not when he understood her so well, when he cared about her so strongly.
He was everything to her, and part of her couldn't help but wonder if they had a future together.
It was a fear that had been stalking her mind deeply for the last few days. Because she wanted everything with him; she wanted a friendship, a relationship, a family, and a life with him. She wanted to marry him one day, as childish as that sounded, and have him be the first person she saw each morning, and the last person she saw each night. She wanted to come home from a long day of work and have him be at home with her, just relaxing together as they enjoyed each other's company. She wanted him, more than ever before.
And it terrified her.
They hadn't spoken much of their future. Hell, they barely even spoke about what would happen following school, or let alone into their final year of it.
How would their summers work? What, with Voldemort all but camped out at his family home. She knew meeting the family was hardly a possibility before, with half of them hating her for her blood status, but she could hardly even imagine it now when the monster who wanted her best friend, her brother, dead was taking up residence in her boyfriend's home.
None of it was an ideal situation.
And despite how hard they tried to pretend, there was still the elephant in the room. Because while she loved Draco more than anything, and knew that he wasn't truly a Death Eater at heart, he still was hiding his secret from her. He was still on some sort of mission or the other, which even with Harry's paranoia, Hermione knew was something major. She could see the stress wearing him down, despite how hard he tried to conceal it. She could see it eating away at him, even as he tried to pretend otherwise. And she knew that whatever it was, was not something she would just be able to shake off and pretend was nothing.
Because it was something. Despite how much they tried to pretend that they were just students, it was a lie. There was so much more going on, outside the walls of the school, and it was getting harder and harder to ignore it with each passing death.
They would need to acknowledge it eventually. There would come a point where there was a final battle, between Harry and Voldemort, everyone knew that much. And when that day came, she and Draco would be forced to stand on opposite sides of the battle field while their friends and family died all around them. While their loved ones died.
Would she have to face him? To be forced to fight him? Because she couldn't do that, not when he meant everything to her. Not when she loved him as strongly as she did. He was everything to her, and just the thought of having to fight him broke her heart.
And so she sat on the steps of the Astronomy tower, hugging her knees close to her chest as she wept, unsure of what else to do.
"Hermione," she heard a soft voice call out and looked up to see Ginny standing there, looking worried. "Are you alright?"
She hastily wiped her tears, as her friend sat down beside her, trying to pretend she hadn't just been crying her eyes out.
"What happened?" Ginny asked softly, as she put up spells around them to prevent others from hearing what they were discussing.
She felt torn for a moment, not sure if she should confess that the truth or not, before making up her mind on what to do. Ginny already knew that Hermione had feelings for him, and hadn't judged her for that.
"I've been seeing Draco for the past few months," she confessed to her friend, looking down, ashamed of her lie.
"I know," Ginny said simply, and when Hermione gave her a startled look, she elaborated, "Hermione you all but told me you had feelings for him, and afterwards, it didn't take a genius to figure out that your increasing happiness, despite what Ron claims, most likely was related. It didn't take me long to put two and two together to figure out that you were seeing him. So what happened?"
"I love him," she whispered, "I love him, and I'm terrified of what the future holds for us. I'm terrified that one of us won't come out of the war, or that we'll have to face each other. What happens when we leave these walls and are forced into the real world, where the war just keeps getting worse and worse? How am I supposed to fight him with the intention of battle, when I love him so strongly and want a life with him? I can't do it Ginny."
"Have you talked to him about this?" Ginny asked, and when Hermione shook her head, she sighed, "You can't avoid it forever. The war is coming, whether any of us like it or not. And sooner or later you'll be forced to face it, Hermione. But for what it's worth, I believe the two of you are strong enough to pull through this. I've never seen you so happy with someone as you seem to be with him. And while I always wished you'd be with Ron so we could be sisters, I know it would never work between the two of you. Neither of you would be happy, and all I want is for your happiness. Draco challenges you, he pushes you, and he loves you for who you are. I see the way he steals looks with you when you both think no one is looking. If anyone could make this work, it's the two of you. And it most certainly will not be easy, when you find love as pure as what the two of you have, you need to fight for it."
She hugged her friend softly, "Thank you, Ginny," she said, feeling lighter. It didn't solve her problems, but talking to her friend made her feel slightly less hopeless than she did before.
It wouldn't be easy, but she loved Draco more than anything. And she most certainly would fight for that love.
Hermione sat up on the bed nervously. The nightmares had continued to haunt her throughout the night, despite Draco staying with her, and she had barely managed to get a few hours of rest as a result.
She knew he blamed himself for it, despite many times she told him that it wasn't his fault. Because it was his family that seemed to repeatedly hurt him, and it was his family who made her cry out throughout the night.
She didn't blame him for it, how could she when she knew where his family stood since they were younger? That she knew where his family stood when they were dating back in sixth year. She always knew that their loved ones were on opposite sides of the war. But she loved him in spite of it. He was not to blame for what had happened.
She had nightmares every night for a year after the war, and even now she had gotten the occasional one. They were usually ones which took her back to the drawing room of Malfoy Manor, but every now and then it would change, to something else. To Harry dying, Draco dying, to her letting everyone down, and losing them all. But it was the aftermath of her torture which tended to haunt her the most.
The effects of the cruciatus curse could be devastating when carried on for too long, Neville's parents were proof of that. But even in small doses, it was enough to scar someone deeply, to make them remember the pain they had felt for months on end, and to have flashbacks to what had happened. It hurt, just thinking about, and there were times her body spasmed as if it were remembering what it was like to be under the curse.
There were times when the pain hurt her so badly that she forgot where she was, and was transported straight back to the Drawing room where she was certain she was going to die. Where she was certain she would not live to see another day. And all she could do was close her eyes as she tried to bring herself back to her current surroundings.
There was a reason the cruciatus curse was banned, for the effect that it held on its victims in its aftermath was devastating. Even being under it once was enough to cause a lifetime of pain. There was no full recovery from it.
And after undergoing torture again, with that curse used on her repeatedly, she had no idea if she would be able heal as well as she did before. It was different now, she had a family; a daughter who needed her to be strong, and a boyfriend who had been terrified in her absence. She would need to be strong for them both as to prevent them from being hurt.
She knew Draco would understand if she weren't. He would be there for her every step of the way, helping her recover and staying with her when she was feeling an episode begin. He would comfort her through it, and help re-centre it. But she didn't want to have to go through it again. She wanted to move on, and finally have the life she deserved. She wanted to be able to recover and go back to her life with her boyfriend and daughter. Did she not deserve a bit of happiness after the life she had lived?
It was why they currently had a healer in her hospital room as they discussed her options for recovery, and to see if there was anything they would be able to do to prevent the pain she was feeling now from haunting her for the rest of her life.
"I'm here, Love," Draco said soothingly, as if he could sense her discord. He wrapped an arm around her and she leaned into his comforting embrace. She was so grateful for him being here with her, throughout all of it, and without leaving her. She sent him home from time to time to get some rest, but despite that, he insisted on being with her, that he loved her and would rather not be anywhere else. And while she wanted to argue against that, he made her feel better, so it was hard to resist.
"Thank you," she whispered softly, as she placed a light kiss to his cheek. She loved him more than anything, and him being here certainly did help.
The Healer smiled gently at the both of them, "I believe you wished to discuss possible treatments available for the cruciatus?" she asked them both, and a confirming nod allowed her to continue, "As you know, it's hard to fully treat the after effects of the curse. The pain lingers in the body, and is tied to the memory of the events. And while it does not leave physical damage, it leaves a lot of mental and emotional trauma associated with the pain you undergo. And as such, we have looked into several test options, which we have been trying out on patients who went through similar torture during the last war."
"What was the success rate?" Draco asked softly, as he moved his hand up and down her back.
"While we cannot undo the trauma all together," the healer said, "We can certainly numb the pain so that you are not as affected by this."
"How does it work?" Hermione asked, curiously. She hadn't heard too much about the treatment, and such a thing ought to have been front page news if it had been discovered.
"It's a combination of healing," the Healer explained to her, "You must undergo mind healing to be able to help deal with the trauma that you faced, and help you be able to separate the pain from the memory. To deal with the after effects. However the pain of the curse is deeply imbued into the memory, and as such we also try and dull out parts of the memory, using memory modification spells. It would do you no good to simply forget the memory all together, as it leaves a gap in your memory. But to remember what happened, but forget the pain associated is not the same. That combined with the mind healing will allow for a better recovery."
"Merlin," Hermione breathed. "Have you tried it on long term patients yet? What were the results?"
"We haven't gotten the approval yet," the Healer frowned, "As they are in a reduced state of mind it's seen as unethical to be able to modify their memory without their consent."
"What if you were able to get the consent of their family members?" Hermione asked, wheels beginning to turn in her head, as she thought of the case she could take on to present to Wizengamot. If such a treatment worked, it could make the difference to countless lives.
"Maybe one day it will be able to work," the Healer said lightly, without believing that they would get that far, "However, for now, we must focus on those who are eligible for such treatments. Would this be something you are interested in undergoing?"
She nodded as she looked at Draco for his thoughts.
"If it is proven to help, then I'm all for it," he said softly, "For the memory modification, is there any chance of it going wrong?"
"There's always a slight risk with any spell healing," the Healer informed them, "However as the spell is very low level to remove only the pain of a memory, there's very little risk associated with it."
"Then I believe it is something I would like to do," Hermione said softly, as she nodded at Draco.
"Perfect," the Healer smiled, "We can begin the memory modification this afternoon, and schedule your mind healing sessions afterwards."
Hermione lay back on the bed, trying to gather her thoughts. The procedure hadn't taken as long as she believed it would, and she was rather impressed with the spellwork involved with it. She closed her eyes, trying to remember what had happened back at Malfoy Manor, and she saw Bellatrix standing over her, holding the knife once more. She remembered writhing on the ground as the spell hit her time and time again, leaving her feeling broken. But she couldn't not remember the pain she felt. It was as if she were watching a movie of her life, where she could see what was happening to her, but could not feel the pain associated with it.
And it was surreal. Every time her mind had taken her back to that place in the past, she had felt devastated. She had felt the pain surging through her body, leaving her unable to exist. But it was different now.
She felt at peace. Because while the memory still hurt to think of what she went through, she didn't feel the pain associated with how she felt back then.
Harry had dropped by, and had gone with Draco to pick up some tea. But in all honestly, she was sure it had something to do with his father and his prosecution.
She sighed slightly as a Mediwitch she didn't recognize made her way into the room, holding a vial of a draught she didn't recognize. She could feel the exhaustion begin to settle in, and she wondered if the vial was meant to put her to sleep, as she had been under several potions after being admitted into the hospital for healing.
The potion glowed brightly green and the Mediwitch smiled softly at her.
"I have a vial of some Draught of Peace," the witch said softly as she presented the vial for her to drink. "You underwent a strenuous procedure today and the Healer in charge recommended that you take this to help your recovery."
Hermione took the potion, feeling exhausted, "Is the potion not supposed to be white in colour?" she asked, trying to remember what she had brewed back in Hogwarts.
"It's a variation," the Mediwitch told her softly, "You're tired, Love. Drink up and get some rest. You still have a long few next days."
Hermione closed her eyes and drank the potion the Mediwitch handed to her. Honestly she had been under so many potions in the last couple of days that it was getting ridiculous.
Nothing happened before, not like the Draught which usually began to calm her immediately. Instead, it took a few moments for her to feel anything. And when she did a shiver ran down her back, as she felt an immediate pain in her lower body. She placed her hand on her lower stomach region, as the pain began to overtake her body. She began to convulse and she swore the Mediwitch shot her a satisfied look before leaving the room just as Harry and Draco re-entered.
"Hermione!" Draco screamed, as he ran to her side.
"Mediwitch," Hermione choked as blood filled her mouth, and Harry seemed to understand what she was saying as he darted out of the room.
Draco screamed for help, as he stroked her face, but the pain was too great. She could feel a part of her dying, and she held on tightly to Draco, as the pain overtook her, and she was met with nothing but darkness.