A Son of Ice and Fire
Chapter 27: I think of you always
Hiccup
The walls rushed past in a blur as I sprinted through the castle. Without carrying someone in my arms, it only took a mere minute to make my way back up to the room, and all that way there was nothing but a wide smile plastered across my face. As if a drug had put me into a state of pure ecstasy. A surge of excitement pulsing through my veins, and a bounce in my step, I placed my hand out onto the door. Hearing the soft, muffled voices beyond it, I let out a long deep sigh. As my fingers pressed more firmly against the wood, only then did I see the hand was shaking. I retracted it, holding it in the palm of my other hand, only to notice it had spread to my other arm. I looked down in shock, locking my forearms together in front of my chest. What is happening? As I parted my arms, I curled my fingers into balls. I tried once more to push the door open, yet as if some invisible force was fighting back, I couldn't do it. Why I am this nervous? She's my mother. She won't hate me. But what if she does? What if I do something and they go away again? What would I tell dad? Oh Gods, he doesn't even know she's alive. If he finds out she was here and I caused her to run again, he'll probably disown me for good. Oh Gods. Gods help me.
I must have been stood a foot from that door for ten to twenty minutes. Every possible future action and consequence striking blow after blow in my mind. I can do this. Taking the split-second with nothing pushing me back, I took a deep breath, before planting three firm knocks on the door.
"STAY OUT!" Mildew's grizzly voice pierced through the door. Without hesitation, I placed my hand firmly on the wood and pushed the door open. Mildew was sat at one side, rummaging through a sack of herbs, medicines, or potions of some kind. Nothing about that man ever seems to make complete sense. At the other side of the bed, Heather was still holding Astrid's hand, who looked as she did when I left and was still unconscious. Heather's head was tucked into her mother's chest, who's gaze averted from her daughter over to me when I entered the room.
"I'm not here to interfere with your work Maester." I said bluntly, taking a few steps inside the room. The elderly man gave a distasteful groan and gave me a scornful glare.
"Well then GET OUT!" He exclaimed loudly. I saw mother flinch at the volume; even Heather snapped up to look at him. "You have no place here," he continued, "If you want me to keep treating her, you will leave." As he finished, it took all I had to suppress the anger boiling in my chest.
"Let me make one thing clear." I stated loudly, all the while staring daggers at the disgrace of a Maester before me. "You swore your oaths Mildew. You are sworn in service to the Lord of this castle. While my father is away, that title belongs to me. You will do the best in your abilities to heal Lady Hofferson. You will do what is expected of you and you will never again refuse those duties. Am I clear?" Everything else in the room almost seemed to disappear, as I took further steps towards the man. Our eyes were locked fully, as I ran my fingers along the wood of the footboard at the base of the bed. The man didn't make any audible response, just muttering under his breath. I kept stepping forward, until our toes were almost touching. I could feel the warmth of his repulsive breath, as I looked up at him. He was half a foot taller and looked down with a face full of derision. "AM. I. CLEAR?" I asked forcibly. He huffed, but then gave the poorest attempt at a bow I have ever seen.
"Yes. My lord." He uttered malevolently. "I am at your service." Mildew sat back down, grumbling as he dropped the sack to land with a loud thud. "Would my Lord be so kind to leave me to my work. Distractions could result in unforeseen circumstances." Once again, I had to steady myself to not curl my hand up into a fist and strike the old man. How can one man be so infuriating? Once Lady Astrid is safe, then I can deal with Mildew.
"If that is what you require, Maester, then I will leave you be." I said begrudgingly, stepping back until my hand rested on the open door. "Know this. I am not my father. You do not have any leeway with me. Any more insubordination. Any more threats to not help those you have swore to help, will not go unpunished. Am I clear?" I left it more as a statement than a question. Before he could express his displeasure, I turned to face the women in the ladies in the room. "Please forgive me for disturbing you both, I only wanted to check in to see if there is anything you needed. If you do require anything, I'll be straight across the hallway." I said apologetically, forcing a smile, as I turned and closed the door behind me as I left.
I knew Dad would be gone for a long time still, so that's why I knew his room would be the best place for the Lady to recover. I closed my eyes and sighed, as I stood outside the door. All could hear was the silence. No moans from the maester. I couldn't even hear Heather and my mother speak. Nothing like a great first impression. Now they definitely hate me. How has my father lived with that feral old man here for decades? I've only been in charge a few months and there's already been at least twenty situations where I've wanted to stick him in a catapult and fling him out of the castle walls myself. A few soft footsteps patted about in the room behind me, but I just headed forward, unlocking the door, and barging my way into my room. It's probably half the size of dad's, but I didn't need anywhere near that space anyway. As I slammed the door behind me, it slammed against the frame, but creaked open to where it was barely half shut.
As I strolled across the soft fur rugs below foot, my right hand subconsciously coiled into a fist. On impulse, I turned and slammed it hard into the nearest wall, finally releasing every drop of anger onto the defenceless black rock. Blood dripping down my knuckles, forming lines down my fingers, I struck again. After the third, I finally felt the pain. My arm shaking, I didn't even bother to bandage it, as I shoved it inside my coat pocket. I need to be better than this. How can I run this house, if I can't even deal with Mildew? Sorry dad, I don't know how long I can do this. Please come home soon. I reached the far end of the room, fighting the tears back as I pulled out my possibly broken hand and held it to my chest. With my left hand, I lit the fireplace, then I turned and collapsed back first onto the bed. I stared at the black rock of the ceiling, while simultaneously using my one actually usable hand to reach under the bed. I stretched down almost to my limit, but then I felt the feel of the smooth figure in my grasp. I sat up straight, clutching the dragon-glass dragon in my fingers, as I brought it to my heart. I looked down at the figure, instantly putting a smile on my face, as I closed my eyes and started to sing quietly.
"I think of you always, since I was a boy. And this gift that you gave me, this small little toy. I held this through childhood, and into my teens. Through all the hard times, and into my dreams," I swayed my head slowly side to side, as a tear trickled down my cheek. I held tightly onto the dragon, a gift from my mother I had been given when I was a baby.
"I think of you always, when I'm sat on my own. All I ever wanted, was to see you come home. I've always tried to smile, to laugh and make you proud. So when I sing this song for you, I'm gonna sing it loud." I sang out more strongly, as more tears fell.
"I think of you always, with love in my heart. But as day by day passes, we're just further apart. Father was crying, as the hours ticked by. Eighteen years to the day, when we had to say goodbye."
"I think of you always, but the pain inside won't numb. If I'm ten or if I'm fifty, I'll always love you mum. I think of you always, for the days I have to come. No matter where you are tonight, I'll always love you mum." I raised my head and finished the song more softly, "Yeah, I'll always love you mum."
As I opened my eyes, I almost fell off the bed in shock. Standing at the doorway, head peering into the room was mother. Her eyes were red and tears were streaking down both cheeks, as she gave a comforting smile. For a second, I just sat there speechless, before she slowly pushed the door open and tentatively walked into the room. She looked at me, a hand across her heart, the other trying to wipe the tears away, when I saw her notice my bloodied hand and her demeanour changed to one of worry.
"Hiccup, Oh Hiccup." She said softly, as she rushed over and knelt at the bedside. "I'll get the maester, just wait here." She turned and tried to head for the exit. I reached out with my left hand, letting the toy slowly drop onto my lap, as I reached out for her arm.
"Please don't go." I pleaded, pointing to a wooden desk at the other side of the room by the fireplace. "There are bandages in that drawer over there. Please don't go." She nodded, fetching the bandages once I released here. I attempted to take them off of her as she returned, but she just shook her head.
"Let me." She said softly, carefully taking my hand and rolling the cloth meticulously around it. She tied the end, then just looked up at me. Her purple eyes filled with concern and worry, clouded with a mist of tears. "What happened, son?"
"I just wanted to check you were all okay. I didn't mean to get angry. I didn't want you to see me like that, but when he said he wouldn't help her I just lost it. He would never act like that if it was dad. I didn't want you to see me have to be like that. Please don't hate me." I said defeatedly, dropping my head. Not a moment had passed before she lifted my chin up and stared into my eyes.
"Hiccup. I could never hate you. Never." She said with a smile. "I've missed you every day for seventeen years since I left. Every single day. Do you think I'd pack up and leave just because you got angry with Mildew? All I wanted was to get back here, though I would have preferred our first talk to not have involved me having to bandage you up." She said with a slight chuckle.
"I know I should be stronger. Not let him get to me but…" I started.
"Even Stoick wasn't strong enough to stop himself from choking the life out of Mildew at times. I see nothing has changed." She japed, taking a seat next to me on the bed. She held out her hand towards me, as her eyes fixed on the small object once more held in my hand. I opened my palm to reveal the dragon. The dragon's body fit almost perfected in my hand, the wings spreading out either side of my thumb. It was all black and sculpted perfectly. I stroked the head of the obsidian figure one more time with my thumb, before I carefully passed it across. "You kept this… All these years?" She asked gingerly and I turned to nod to her. "I'm sorry for intruding earlier. I saw you were upset and wanted to check if you were okay. That song was beautiful, was it all… true?"
"Every word." I replied instantly. "I wrote that song a few months ago, the anniversary of your… death. I kept that dragon, so there was always a piece of you with me when I needed you."
"I thought you would forget about me." Mum said softly. "I didn't think I'd ever see you again. At least now I have a chance to make it up to you." Her cheeks were rose red as she smiled warmly at me.
"I'm not going to lie, it was hard with only dad here. I always tried to be like him, but I knew that would never be me." I replied, as honestly as I could for now. She looked down upon the dragon, slowly feeling her fingers against the edges.
"I am sorry Hiccup. Every day it felt like a part of me was slowly fading away. I wanted to come back to Dragon's edge. To get on a ship, and fetch Heather back to her true home. But I thought you would be safer if I stayed away. You both would. If either of you died because of… because of me… I could never ever forgive myself." As she spoke, the sadness in her eyes hit me more than the words did. "There is no worse feeling than thinking your child is about to die and there is nothing you can do about it. I only hope you understand why I stayed away. And one day you will forgive me." She turned away, placing the dragon down on the bed, before she brought her hands to cover her face, as she started to cry. Does she actually think I'll hold this against her? Oh Gods she thinks I hate her for leaving. I rose to my feet, stepping around to stand in front of her, before reaching out and pulling her into a deep hug.
"Of course I forgive you. I love you mum." I spoke gently. She quickly jumped to her feet, pulling me in tight, as she swayed me side to side in her arms. I looked up to see her smiling wildly, eyes bright with joy as she held me.
"Thank you so much son. Thank you." She exclaimed joyously. As we pulled apart, Only then did she fully relax, looking around the room, at the drawings scattered across the walls. She looked around, first in confusion, then in astonishment. "What are all of these?" She said softly, walking up, and getting a closer look at one of the paintings.
"Oh, those things, they're just a hobby. When I get bored, I like to draw. Nothing important." I answered quietly, shyly looking down. On the rare occasions dad had came into my room, it was to wake me up for training, or to yell at me for something or the other. It never occurred to me someone would actually want to look at my stupid sketchings.
"Son. These are amazing. How did you manage to…"
"…I had a lot of free time as a child, I had to do something when dad wouldn't let me in training with the others. At least this would keep him off my back, and not in the way."
"Hiccup, don't put yourself down. These are incredible. I can't believe your father wouldn't praise you for this." She said confidently. How can I possibly tell her who dad became. She would be crushed. Maybe I can force that on Gobber. No that's not fair.
"There's a lot about Stoick you wouldn't believe," I muttered under my breath, quietly enough she wouldn't have heard. I walked across the room, picking a specific painting and removing it from the hook on the wall carefully. I stepped towards her, turning it to face her and extending my arm to hand it over.
"WOW!" She exclaimed, mouth agape. "This is… This is… Hiccup this is beautiful." She said smiling, as she held it in her hands.
"This was one of the first ones I painted. I want you to have it." I proclaimed proudly.
"I can't take this. This is…"
"I painted this for you. I may not have known you were alive, but this... this was still painted for you." I beamed happily. I walked around to her side, as she marvelled at the picture. I had painted it shortly after father had told me a story about her, and about house Targaryen. The drawing was of the Targaryen sigil, but the three heads of the dragon seemed to pop out of the page towards you. It was black and red, with flames of orange and yellow in the background seeming to engulf the dragons in fire. I always cherished it, as it always helped me to know mum was always close. Now she has finally come home, hopefully I'll never need it again. She gave me another heart-warming smile, as she pulled me in for a hug again.
"I always knew you would make me proud Hiccup." She said softly. At her words, I almost melted inside. It can't get any better than this. Another tear slipped out, as we stayed there for what must have been a minute. I looked up, to see her smile, before a flash of confusion hit her, as she stared towards the door. I quickly snapped around, to find Heather bouncing giddily in the doorway. Before either of us could speak to her, Heather just ran towards us laughing excitedly.
"SHE'S AWAKE. ASTRID'S AWAKE!"
I was wrong. Now it definitely can't get any better than this.