Gosh, this chapter's been such a drag to write...
Hey, hey, people - it's me again :D If there's anyone still waiting for this story, here you are, a new chappy of virgin/goddess romance.
Thanks for any reviews and stuff - they kept me going when I was ready to throw this chapter away (Shiz is so stupid =.=)
Hope you'll have a wonderful summer! Mine will definitely be - one week in Cracow with a friend of mine. Anyone wants to get a postcard? :) I can spare a few stamps so shoot me PM if you're interested ;)
On with the story!
My tea has long gone cold.
Still, I pour some more into the cup and a pathetic chuckle escapes my lips. Floating upright on the tea surface, there is a small stalk. Auspicious sign, isn't it? Right now, when I would need the higher gods' blessing most. Yet, I see it as nothing more than a vicious giggle of fate.
The sun has set. The evening breeze chills my body but I realise that it doesn't matter. At this current state of mine, neither heat nor cold can bother me. Sunrises and sunsets are mere indicators of passing time and nothing more. I get up in the morning, go about my habits and duties and lay down well into the night, more often than not wakeful until it's time to rise again. I have allowed this routine to consume me so that something much worse wouldn't have a chance to.
I light a candle, willing the creeping darkness away from me. The light brings me company: a moth. Small nocturnal butterfly, enticed by the flame, circles around it, with each move of fragile wings spiraling closer to its demise. Fly away, little one. Fly before you burn...
Alas, it is too late. Brittle wings catch on fire and the moth falls convulsing onto the table. Unable to watch it suffer, I cover the small insect with both hands. When I retract them, the moth flies away, navigating toward much safer moonlight.
If only other things could be fixed as easily...
That night...
That night, I laid Natsuki upon her futon and sat by her side. The restless stirring that rose in me on the night when we first met, awakened once again. I reached for Natsuki's flushed face, wondering at how unexpectedly shaky my fingers were. With the back of my left hand, I stroked her heated cheek, my thumb lingering at the corner of her mouth.
Slim lips quivered and porcelain eyelids clenched even more tightly. When I moved raven tresses from her face, the girl turned and lied on her back, still pretending to be asleep. At this sight of her, so open and vulnerable, I couldn't stop a nervous chuckle. She surely wasn't against this. Otherwise, wouldn't she protest like she used to in the past?
Repeating this in my mind like some kind of mantra, I lied down beside Natsuki, moments later gathering her in my arms. She was rigid and her erratic heartbeat was so strong that I felt it thumping against my chest. I shuffled a bit so that Natsuki half-rested on me. Cooing into her ear and stroking her hair, still damp from our bath, I felt her slowly relaxing. She all but melted into me and left me at awe. Her smaller body fitted mine as if we were made as one and only separated later.
I could probably savour this feeling of completeness for ever if it wasn't for the obnoxious stirring in my bowels. Stirring that filled me with need, that made my hands itch and my mind go dizzy. Because of that stirring I let my hands wander up and down Natsuki's back, tracing her spine. I let my fingers sneak under her shirt, revelling in the smoothness of her skin...
In that very moment Natsuki snuggled into me and I froze, my hands stopped in their tentative explorations. Was I really going to take her like this, pretending to be asleep so as to give me dubious consent? I kissed the crown of the dark head, mentally berating myself. This was the one thing I promised Natsuki never to do so, even if a tad reluctantly, I pulled my fingers back and smoothed her shirt.
"Natsuki," I whispered but the rest stuck in my throat. I tried again. "Natsuki..." What was I supposed to say? I felt at a loss for words; there were none that could express the current turmoil in my heart.
My lovely girl understood me anyway. Clenching a fist on my robe, she muttered something unintelligible. At that moment, her husky voice, coupled with childlike innocence of her face, was like a balm on the fire in my core, soothing my mind and body.
I covered her hand with mine and watched how she gradually fell asleep, this time for real. Soon enough, I joined her.
After that night, something changed in my perception of Natsuki.
Where once was a lovely child, a beautiful woman appeared. Her moves and gestures, not so long ago cute and charming, now became sexy and alluring. Her words took on a double meaning, teasing me with their ambiguity. Everything that she did - from her morning stretches to the way she ate her meals to her unique ways of doing the chores - everything proved a fuel to the fire in my core. Day after day, hour after hour, I found no respite from the stirring in my bowels.
I should have probably sit down with Natsuki and talk to her about my concerns and desires. But every single time when I wanted to do this, something told me that this won't do. That the girl will agree to my every whim out of some misguided gratitude. And so I decided to deal with the fire on my own.
It is funny, how these days resembled the beginnings of our acquaintance, only with our roles reversed. Afraid of fulfilling my desires regardless of the price, I started to avoid Natsuki. I either hid from her in my reading room or found numerous errands that would require her going to the human realm. But this proved counter-productive: the more I eluded Natsuki, the more she sought after my company. It was as if she didn't notice any change in my sight. I needed a way to vent some of my desire and I needed it quick.
The solution presented itself when I was going through prayer scrolls and noticed one particularly long and lavishly decorated. I recognised the prayer of this one in an instant for her pleas, not rare in the past, became even more frequent after Natsuki's spiriting.
The girl, no more than sixteen years old, has been - for as long as she could remember - dreaming about being taken by a goddess. And by this, she did not mean only spiritual taking. In the past, I used to find this desire amusing so ever since she hit puberty once in a while I sent her a pleasantly distracting dream. A dream more teasing than erotic, in fact.
But what I was planning to do now was radically different from the almost innocent dreams. The girl was still holding onto her desire and I intended to fulfill it for her. Even though the very thought of the deed filled my heart with revulsion, I could not find a better vessel for my lust. If I couldn't have Natsuki - and the fact that I did deny this pleasure myself didn't matter - I would vent some steam with Tomoe.
I came for her just as she imagined, when the sun kissed the earth goodbye. She was sitting in her room, sketching a scene closely resembling the ones from her prayers. I observed her for a while, paying as much attention to the drawing as I did to her. Noticing, how detailed and disturbing the picture was, I couldn't stop a shudder. For one who was supposedly a virgin, this girl did have a vivid imagination...
I leaned over Tomoe, placing my hand over hers, effectively stopping her pencil midline. She closed her eyes and sat tight, apparently knowing it was her dream turning true. She was too calm to my liking. Shouldn't she be at least a little disconcerted by my sudden appearance? I blew into her ear and whispered seductively:
"Will you draw me, vixen?"
Tomoe just swept asymmetrically cut fringe from her eyes and kept shading her picture. I grew uneasy: has she given up on this fantasy? Just as I was ready to either abduct her against her will or pretend that this meeting never happened, the girl put the pencil down. She turned to me with a predatory gleam in her eyes and caught my lips in a fierce kiss. Stunned, I drew away.
"Only if you let me do a nude, Viola-kamisama."
For Natsuki's good, I reminded myself, before spiriting Tomoe to my heavens.
Two or three days later, the three of us were sharing breakfast. The day has barely started and I already found the air suffocating. Between Tomoe's constant chattering and Natsuki's heavy silence I kept second-guessing my decision to take Tomoe for my second companion.
"Enough!" barked Natsuki, slamming her cup on the table. Under my chastening gaze, she took a deep breath and said: "Shizuru, I'd be grateful if your new friend stopped yapping."
I chuckled lightly but Tomoe beat me to responding.
"A little grumpy, aren't we?" She flashed me a smile. "Viola-kamisama, I think you're pet is quite dozy today. Didn't get enough sleep, I wonder?"
"Hard to get some sleep when someone," Natsuki sent Tomoe pointed look. "Keeps screaming and moaning all night." She put the chopsticks down and rubbed her face tiredly. "I didn't sleep a wink."
"Natsuki..." I whispered. This desolate, resigned expression on her face certainly wasn't what I aimed for. Yet, once again Tomoe intervened, putting a scrap of braised veal to my mouth. While I was chewing, she snickered at Natsuki:
"Aren't you simply jealous? You've been here for almost a year and I for a few days and I already know Viola-kamisama better than you." Tomoe's chuckle sent shivers down my spine. "Or maybe I should say... deeper than you?"
Quite unexpectedly, Natsuki started to laugh. She laughed hard for a while before finally sighing and wiping tears from her eyes.
"You know her better? And that's why you feed her meat that almost never made it to this table before your arrival?" Taking chopsticks in her left hand, Natsuki hovered them over the dishes. "Close your eyes, Shizuru, so she won't say you're giving me hints." I followed the girl's request and a few moments later I heard: "Okay, open up."
With my eyes still closed, I allowed Natsuki to feed me whatever she has chosen. As soon as first tangy notes hit my tongue, I couldn't contain a smile. Fresh pickles were my favourite for they reminded me of time spent with Kaede's family. I still savoured the taste when Tomoe bridled.
"Pff, so you know her likes in food and? Any good servant should know it. Or a pet." My new companion smirked. "Do you get a pat on your head and a treat for doing the chores?"
I waited for Natsuki to flare-up but she just calmly set her chopsticks on the table, set aside unfinished dishes and stood up.
"Thank you for the food but I'm not hungry. If you'll excuse me I go and try to catch some sleep." She looked at me; for a split second I noticed sadness and longing hidden deep within her emerald eyes. Eyes that were growing more and more dull with every passing day. "In your reading room, if it's not a problem?"
I shook my head.
"Not at all."
A few hours later, having left Tomoe to her indecent sketches, I stopped by the reading room. Reminding myself to keep my steps light and quiet, I rounded the armchair placed by the fireplace. In it, curled and snugly wrapped in a blanket, Natsuki dozed. I crouched in front of her and gently moved a strand of raven hair away from her face. Asleep, she was even more of a child, content in the land of her dreams.
I let my hand slip down her face, stroking delicate skin, sweeping my thumb over the distinct cheekbone. Half aware of what I was doing, I leaned in, intent on kissing her, on letting my lips touch just a corner of hers. In that very moment pale eyelids fluttered open and I found myself gazing right into the deep emeralds.
Caught almost red-handed, I scrambled backwards, sitting heavily on the floor. Green eyes, though a bit groggy, smiled at me.
"You okay?"
Moving into a proper seiza, I watched how she stretched under the blanket, obviously unwilling to leave its warm confines.
"Have you gotten any sleep?" I scanned her carefully for any traces of tiredness.
"Yeah, I'm much better now." We sat for a moment in amiable silence, until Natsuki asked: "Weren't you going to read the prayers?"
"Actually, I was checking on Natsuki but since she mentions that...' I looked behind me at the pile of prayer scroll accumulated over the past three days. "I should do some reading. But wouldn't it be a bother to you, my lovely? Are you sure you don't want to sleep a bit longer?"
"You're never a bother..." Realising what she has said, Natsuki blushed and pulled the blanket higher up.
With a warm smile lighting my face, I stepped to my desk to get the prayer scrolls, stroking the dark head in the passing.
"Shizuru, will you... will you let me go?"
Natsuki's words made my heart clench in pain, but even more so pained me her sight. She stood hunched in front of me, her bare feet shuffling from time to time. Raven hair, devoid of its lustrous shine, hung like a curtain over pale face, hiding her eyes. Oversized shirt, her favourite sleeping attire, made her look like a lost child.
"Natsuki, why would you...?" I gasped when she looked at me and the rest of the question stuck in my constricted throat.
Three weeks has passed since I spirited Tomoe. Three weeks that were nowhere near to how I had imagined them. Tomoe and Natsuki could not get along, and not for the lack of trying on my lovely girl's part. My new companion turned out to be the exact opposite of the prayer I knew. Maybe her sketches and details included in prayers should have raised at least some doubts at me but at that time I was focused solely on suppressing my desire. The desire that still kept stirring in my core.
And now, Natsuki stood in front of me, clearly tired of this triangle we were living in.
"You have Tomoe now and I think you're happy with her." She looked away and light blush tinted her cheeks. "She gives you what I can not. You two will be better off without me, I think."
Cringing at the tension in her husky voice, I stepped closer, took Natsuki's face in my hands and forced her to look at me. I reached into the emerald depths, trying to find... What was I trying to find? Confirmation that my oh-so-brilliant plan backfired? Will to stay with me and have Tomoe gone? What was I searching for under the turmoil of emotions that filled her glistening eyes?
Before I could say or do a thing, an impatient call came from down the hall.
"Viola-kamisama! Are you coming to bed?" Natsuki closed her eyes and tried to step away, but I held her firmly. "Your little Moe-chan needs her breastfeeding before going to sleep."
Placing a kiss on Natsuki's heated forehead, I whispered:
"Tomorrow. We'll finish this tomorrow, I promise."
As soon as she nodded, I retreated to my bedroom.
The late morning was unusually sunny and crisp air filtered into the room through a slightly open window. I lied supine on the unmade futon, feeling oddly light inside. I was back to square one, back to the entangled mass of desires and emotions. But did I regret it?
Soft padding of feet in the hallway gave Natsuki away. I curled on my side, pretending to be asleep. Even though I promised her to finish our conversation from the previous evening, at the moment I didn't feel strong enough.
"Shizuru, how are you feeling? You never sleep this long..." The girl sat by my side. Her fingers tentatively rested on my hip. She knew I was awake. "Where is she?"
I turned towards my girl but said nothing, observing her from behind half-closed eyelids.
"Shizuru?" insisted Natsuki, her voice low and her gaze piercing.
"She's gone," I mumbled but she seemed to wait for more. "Tomoe's back in her home, believing it all to be but a dream."
Natsuki pulled her hand away and put on an undecipherable expression.
"I see..." She didn't look at me anymore. I wanted her to look at me, even if with contempt, even if with scorn. "So if I let you f-fuck me, you will throw me away as well?" Other than the small stutter, nothing betrayed her emotions. Not waiting for my answer, she reached for the hem of her shirt, obviously intent on disrobing then and there. "It's easy: I lie down, you do what you want with me, you get bored with me and I'm free to go so you can find yourself a new toy. Oh, wait, not a toy - a companion."
The last word so laced with venom and malice that I winced.
"Natsuki, it isn't..." I got to my feet to stop her but she moved away, in no time getting rid of her shirt, her bare chest heaving with erratic breathing.
"Oh isn't it?!" Natsuki burst out. "Funny, 'cause that's exactly how I see it. You keep talking big how I'm important to you and stuff, but when you couldn't bed me, you found Tomoe and screwed her night in and night out for a month until you got tired of her and threw her away like an old, dirty rag." The girl pushed me and I fell backward on my futon, with Natsuki following me soon after. "What are you waiting for, Shizuru? You finally have me in your bed. Isn't this what you wanted?"
Her lips clashed with mine in a sloppy excuse of a kiss. I pushed her away, bitterness like that of a bile raising to my mouth.
"Natsuki, stop... I never... I didn't touch Tomoe." Unable to stand the girl's sight, I closed my eyes.
"Then show me." We were still touching so I used this connection to send her my memories of nights spent with Tomoe. Of the first time she touched me and I backed away because her touch didn't feel right. Because she didn't feel one bit like Natsuki. Of how I sent her erotic dreams, night after night, so that neither she nor Natsuki learnt the truth. How I was stuck in indecision, unable to change the deadlock we found ourselves in.
"You're pathetic." Feeling Natsuki's weight lift up, I dared to open my eyes. She was standing a bit away, bending down to retrieve her shirt. "What do you want, Goddess Shizuru Viola? Tell me, what is it that you want."
I opened my mouth to give her an answer as honest as I could find but there was none. There was no answer I could offer Natsuki with all honesty.
Quite unexpectedly, my girl's gaze softened and she left my room, shaking her head.
I can't recall any memory of that day. All I am sure of is that, came the nightfall, Natsuki entered my bedroom, carrying her pillow and covers.
"Move aside," she said, gesturing with her bedding. I scooted a bit, leaving some free space. Natsuki lied down next to me, cocooned in her own blanket. "Just don't try anything funny."
"Can I at least hold you?"
After a prolonged moment of silence, when I've already lost hope for an answer, Natsuki whispered:
"We'll see about that."
The same thing happened the following evening and on the third night Natsuki purportedly "forgot" to bring her covers and we had to share mine. I was not the one to complain about this though, when I could cuddle with my lovely girl all night. Her warm and soft body filled me with utter bliss, but with the stirring in my bowels still present this could prove a disaster.
It so happened on the seventh night that my hand slipped under Natsuki's sleepshirt. And the fire erupted with full force. My palms wandered higher and higher until reaching delightful twin mounds. Our position constricted my moves so groaning with frustration I turned Natsuki onto her back. Her innocent sleeping face would probably be able to shackle the hunger in me but at that moment - did I even bother to look at her?
I shoved her shirt up, completely revealing her pale breasts. Without wasting any time to truly appreciate the view, I fell upon them like a hawk upon its prey. I licked at them, teasing perky nipples further up. On my tongue, they felt like silky smooth pebbles, sweet like nothing else.
From there, I travelled lower. Licking and nibbling my way down the plains of porcelain stomach, while my hands occupied themselves with pert breasts, I reached the barrier that hid Natsuki's most dulcet treasure. During my explorations, did I think of the girl's response, of how she felt about being exposed and used in such a manner? No, not even once.
After all, she was mine. My lovely sacrifice, offered to me and therefore mine to do with as I seemed it fit.
As my impatient fingers were about to dip into Natsuki's panties, I heard her whimper.
"Shizuru... stop... don't... not now... not yet."
The desire in me roared and reared up. How did she dare to tell me what and when I could do?!
I raised my hand and before I knew what I was doing, a loud smack of flesh connecting with flesh filled my suddenly silent bedroom. I stared helplessly at the outprint of my fingers darkening against the delicate skin of Natsuki's cheek. Oh, what have I done! How could have I...
Natsuki closed her eyes for but a second at the impact, and then these green orbs were wide open, not looking at me but somewhere where no sight could reach. And in an instant I recognised the look in her eyes.
Not the one she sported when she thought I abused her trust when she overused wine.
Not the one from the time when I asked her to pay the price for her Auntie's cure.
Not even the one dreading what she thought her future when she offered herself as a cure to my illness.
No, those I could easily stand, those I already knew how to dispel. But what was I to do when her eyes were filled with the same fear, pride and resignation that dwelt in them as she had been laying on the altar? Did she think me no better than those poor excuses of humans who wanted to sacrifice her life for their own ends and purposes?
Green depths reflected my doubts and responded to them with a new question: can't you for once be honest with yourself? I wanted to say that I was, that this one time I paid no heed to forms and protocols, doing what my heart urged me to do. But this haunting look forced me to finally admit to what I have thought barely moments earlier: 'she's my sacrifice, my sole property to do with as I please and see it fit.' So there I was, no different from her past tormentors no matter how much I would like to deny it.
I slowly reached and tried to gently cup her cheek but she shied away from my touch. How prompt! Why should she accept it now, that I've broken all promises ever given to her...
I slowly backed away, getting up from the futon, all the time mumbling apologies. The audacity of my actions terrified me to such an extent that I could not even look Natsuki in the eye. Casting one last look at her unmoving form, laying prone and half-naked, I left the room.
Once again, the dawn was drawing near as Natsuki stood at the golden gate, shivering from the cold. She seemed determined to climb it and find her freedom - or untimely demise.
"Natsuki, wait."
She looked nervously around.
"Do not be afraid. I am well away from where you stand." In truth, I was standing on the veranda, shrouding my presence with illusion, keeping close eye on her. "I am releasing you from your promise to keep me company, you can go back to your loved ones."
Natsuki straightened her sleepshirt; only then did I notice that in her haste to escape me she didn't dress properly.
"You should go back to you room and dress." She took a step forward and back. "I know you have no reason to believe me but I will stay where I am."
After another moment, the girl bolted towards the house, coming out of it in a matter of seconds, clutching something in her left fist. The golden gate stood wide open.
"I know I have no right for this but I pray that one day Natsuki will be able to forgive me."
She hesitated for a moment, her lips moving wordlessly.
"Please, forgive me, my lovely..." I choked out for the last time.
And then she was gone; my time with her cut short like a flame snuffed aborning.
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*dag points up to the "in-progress" tag* :D