A/N: Hi! So this was supposed to be out ages ago. But I was having computer issues, then school started again and I had to do work, then I had to prepare two presentations for classes... so yeah, this was later than it was supposed to be. But it's out now! Thank you all for your reviews, I love them all even if I don't get a chance to respond to them. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and all recognisable characters, no infringement is intended. Only the plot is mine.
Chapter Seven
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. ~Dylan Thomas
"You need to try to eat more Jasper. You've lost 4 pounds since the last time I saw you. Obviously your chemo will make you lose weight, but you must try to eat. You're understandably losing weight from the cancer and treatments, but we need to do everything we can to keep you as healthy as possible. And that includes eating," Carlisle admonished Jasper. He sat next to Jasper and looked over his file. Jasper chose to focus on talking to Carlisle and not on the tube in his arm administering his chemotherapy.
"I know," Jasper practically growled. He had already heard this lecture from Edward many times. He did try to eat. The problem was that as soon as he ate, he'd throw it back up again. "I'm working on it. But I can't help it when I puke it back up."
"I understand. And I know that you've heard it all before. I just want to make sure. You need your energy."
"My mom makes me soup a lot. It's light enough that I can usually keep it down."
"Good. As long as you're eating something. I'll prescribe you an anti-sickness medication to try. We'll see if that helps with the nausea. Any diarrhoea?"
Jasper flushed and gave a brisk nod. Even though Carlisle was his doctor it was a bit weird to be discussing diarrhoea with Edward's – his whatever that Edward was, Jasper still didn't know what the title would be – father.
"Well you can try to take something for it to make you more comfortable if you want. Is there anything else worth mentioning Jasper?"
"No, just the usual. Weakness, tiredness, pain," Jasper tried not to sound put out, but he was slowly losing his positive outlook. He had wanted his last moments to be something peaceful and healing with his family. Instead, in his attempt to fight, he was making himself miserable.
Carlisle seemed to understand Jasper's tone because he crouched down beside Jasper and spoke quietly to him, "Jasper, I understand that you don't want to give up. But say the word and we'll stop. No one will blame you."
"No, I need to try. If there's a chance that this could give me a bit more time with my family I need to take it."
Carlisle nodded and lightly squeezed Jasper's hand. "I understand, Jasper. But I just wanted you to know that you have choices."
"Not much of a choice really, but thanks Doc. Die now or die later wasn't really where I thought my life choices were going."
Carlisle gave another comforting squeeze and stood up to leave to see his other patients. But he paused at the door and turned back to Jasper.
"You have another choice, Jasper," Carlisle said quietly so only Jasper could hear. "My son loves you. More than he loves anyone on this earth. If you let him help you, you'd be a welcomed addition to my family."
Jasper just stared straight ahead unable to say anything. Yes, he knew there was another choice. One he wasn't ready to make a decision on yet; one that terrified him to either accept or reject.
"Please just think about it," Carlisle asked before leaving Jasper alone with his thoughts.
Jasper had thought about it. Late at night when he sat in the darkness of his room contemplating his one mortality, Edward's offer always found its way into the front of his mind. On the one hand it should be an easy decision.
Jasper would die. Whether it would be next week or 50 years from now, he was human and therefore would eventually die. He had the opportunity to live forever with a man who would love him and take care of him. He had the offer of a family that he could spend centuries with, long after his own parents had died.
He could give his parents the gift of knowing that their son would live. That he would be happy and loved. That he would have the life they had dreamed he would have instead of one filled with suffering.
But on the other hand, the idea of immortality terrified Jasper. Things were supposed to die; it was the natural way of the world. Things lived, contributed to the world, and then left. Jasper was always reminded of a quote that he once heard, that man died because in immortality he would inevitably see the destruction or betrayal of all that he had grown to love and trust in and it would drive him to misery. He would break down as everything – be it civilisations, dynasties, or fortunes – eventually perish when it's past its time.
How could he live as he watched the world change and evolve around him? Would he evolve with it? Or would he be one of the last humans when humanity inevitable died out and evolved to something other than what he had known?
Or what if the various religions of the world were right? What if the end of the world would come with the return of their god, leaving only those who didn't believe to die until the eventual end of humanity? What then would happen to the ones who cannot die?
Jasper wasn't religious. He didn't believe that he would go to heaven or hell when he died. He didn't believe that there was a god he could take his problems to. But if he was wrong, what then?
The bulk of his question came down to one thing: What happens to the infinite, the immortal, when the rest of the mortal, finite world changes and dies around them?
It was both exciting and terrifying to think about. One part of Jasper didn't want anything to do with it. He wanted to die and have all his problems over with. Edward, a man he had only known a few weeks, certainly wasn't worth Jasper's eternal questioning. What it Edward became bored of him? Sure Jasper was Edward's 'centre of the world' now, but who was to say that a 100 years from now he wouldn't find someone he loved more than Jasper? Was Jasper willing to risk everything on Edward's word?
However, if Edward was true, and if Jasper could trust him, there was a part of him that wanted to see what would happen. All the questions of humanity and the world, Jasper would be able to discover. And he would have Edward beside him. Surely that would make whatever happened worth the risk.
If the end of the world came, if humanity evolved back to apes and "Planet of the Apes" was suddenly a reality, would it be that bad if Edward was standing beside him? Maybe it'd be like a constant Doctor Who episode. Without the TARDIS. Though with Edward's brilliant mind…
These thoughts had kept Jasper up many nights. The constant questioning had even caught Edward's attention, though he didn't know what Jasper was thinking about. Jasper didn't want to share with Edward just yet. It was something that he had to figure out on his own. He had to learn to trust Edward without Edward trying to force it.
So after a time, Jasper hadn't thought about it. It all came down to Edward right now and after that Jasper could decide if he thought his questions would be worth ignoring for a lifetime with Edward.
Though Edward's family was also important, of course. If he didn't like them, or worse, if they didn't like him, then he had even more issues to work out. Who'd have thought that moving home to be comforted by his parents would actually lead to more stress?
And speaking of Edward's family, Jasper was set to meet them in two days. That was another thing that worried Jasper. He had never met a boyfriend's parents before. He wanted them to like him. But moreover, he was walking into a house filled with vampires. Granted one of them was his doctor, and he knew that Edward would protect him. But one has to be pretty damn stupid to not be worried about stepping into a house filled with people whose main diet consisted of blood. Something that Jasper had a lot of.
All in all, it was a very stressful week. The only highlight was Edward's meals with his family. After the first dinner his mother loved Edward – if only because she thought he was so handsome. He father liked Edward, but had obvious reservations about his son bringing home a lover in his condition. It was more than Jasper could hope for though. He had been convinced that his parent's would think he was crazy and throw Edward out of the house. Instead, after that first dinner, Edward had been invited over for each subsequent dinner with his family. And Edward always showed.
He even ate a bit, which did show Jasper a level of his dedication. Edward was willing to eat for him. Sure it wasn't life threatening, but it did cause him discomfort so it was a nice thought.
"You're all done now Jasper," Wendy, one the nurses, said. Jasper looked down at his arm and realised that he hadn't even noticed when the tube had been removed. He rolled his sleeve down over the bandage and thanked Wendy before heading towards the family room to find his mother.
He saw Edward walking past with one of the other doctors and wondered if he should try to get Edward's attention or if he'd be a distraction. He stopped and smiled at Edward and as soon as Edward saw him he excused himself and went straight to Jasper.
Edward placed a light kiss on the corner of Jasper's mouth and looked him over. "How are you feeling?"
"Remarkably good for someone who's had chemicals pumped into their body."
"Good. I'm coming over tonight just in case you get sick since your parents have that dinner party at their friends. And I'm only on call tomorrow so I can help if you need me."
"I'm not an invalid," Jasper reminded him, "I can take care of myself."
"I know you can. But even if I just keep you company I want to be there," Edward said hesitantly as if waiting for Jasper to blow up and refuse him.
Jasper rolled his eyes to show his annoyance at his overprotective vampire, but he couldn't disagree with the fact that it was easier to have someone with him if he did get sick. He didn't have to be happy about it though.
"Fine. But unless I ask you to do something, you will sit in the living room and not move. No hovering, no anticipating my needs. And definitely no reading my mind to find out what I'm thinking that I need and then rushing off to get it before I ask. Okay?" Jasper searched Edward's face for any trace of a complaint or possibility that Edward's mind had found a loophole in his words.
"Deal," Edward said, "now I had to be in a meeting five minutes ago so I better leave. I'll see you in a few hours?"
Jasper nodded and pushed himself forward until their lips met. After a few seconds, Jasper broke the kiss and leaned into whisper in Edward's ear. "Thank you for being willing to let me take care of myself. And for still being there when I admit that I need help."
"I'll always be there Jasper," Edward whispered back. He kissed Jasper's temple before saying his goodbye.
Jasper's eyes followed him down the hall, watching his tight, firm arse move in the fitted black pants Edward was wearing. Even through the doctor's jacket, Jasper could imagine the contours.
"It looks better when he wears his scrubs."
Jasper whipped his head around to find himself faced with the nurses at the nursing station. "What?'
"Dr. Cullen," an older nurse that had once instructed Jasper to give her a urine sample said, "He looks better in scrubs. Then his jacket isn't covering him up."
"Um… yeah," Jasper stammered.
"So you're the one who bagged Doctor Junior," the nurse asked again with a shit-eating grin on her face.
"W—well, I'm not sure," Jasper admitted. "I mean, I'm not sure what we are."
"Oh son, please. That boy's gone gaga over you. Lucky bastard," She muttered at the end.
"Right. Well, I need to go," Jasper said. He slowly inched his way away from the curious and slightly murderous eyes that followed him.
"Just one question," one of the other nurses asked. Jasper hesitated and shakily nodded for her to continue. "Considering you've now taken the most eligible man in town and destroyed the hopes and dreams of the entire nursing staff, the least you can do is tell us if his ass is as magnificent as it looks."
Jasper's eyes widened and his knee jerk reaction was to tell them to go to hell and then run away. But the looks on the nurses' faces stopped him. They were suddenly dreamy and hopeful. Jasper felt the cocky smile spread on his face, "It's even better. It fits perfectly in my hand."
And with that he walked off, his day instantly brightened. He found his mom in the family room and filled her in on his appointment while they were driving home.
"Oh, Jasper I almost forgot. I promised Barbara that I'd make the dessert for tonight. I need to stop at the grocery store to pick up some things. Do you mind if we make a quick stop before heading home?"
"No that's fine. I feel okay, actually."
"Oh darling, that's wonderful. Is there anything that you'd like while I'm in the store?"
Jasper reddened as he asked his mom to pick up the anti-sickness and diarrhoea medication. Margaret parked the car and went inside while Jasper waited in the car.
It amazed him how a brief conversation with Edward seemed to make his entire day brighter. No one had done that for him before and Jasper wasn't sure what that meant. He didn't love Edward. How could he? They had known each other only a few weeks and they had only really been talking for about two weeks. He felt affection for Edward, certainly. Comfortable around him, definitely. There was definitely passion and the need to be with him. But love, no. Not yet at least.
He could though. That he was certain of. He had no doubt that he would come to love Edward, even if he didn't right now. There was a chance that if he chose to be turned, he still wouldn't love Edward by the time his body decided to give out. Jasper had always been slow to form and realise his feelings. But he was sure that eventually he would love Edward. That was one of the few certainties of being turned. He would love Edward and Edward, for a time, would love him. It was the things beyond that which worried Jasper.
He again wondered if Edward's love for him was permanent. Jasper felt that, given the slow steady forming of his feelings, that would mean that he would love Edward until the very end, whatever that end may be. It would destroy him if Edward later found someone he loved more than Jasper.
The entirety of the human race that Edward would eventually interact with hadn't even been born yet. Some of their parents, grandparents and great-grandparents hadn't been born yet. How did Edward know that Jasper was his mate out of the entire population that did and would exist?
Jasper was startled out of his thoughts by a tapping on his window. Outside was a tall, handsome Native American man, grinning brightly at him. Jasper rolled down his window and looked questioning at the man.
"Hey, how ya doin? I was wondering if you could help me out with getting something into my truck. I bought a couch and it's fucking heavy. I told the salesman that I didn't need help but I overestimated how awesome my muscles are. Could you help?"
Jasper got out of the car. "I can try. I'm not so strong but if you can take most of the weight…"
"That's fine man, I just need someone to mostly help me guide it into the truck."
Jasper followed the guy to his car and saw the couch sitting in the parking lot. "Couldn't you get them to ship it to you?"
"Nah, costs too much and I need the couch for tonight. There's a football game on and some of my buddies are coming over but my couch broke over the weekend."
"Your couch broke?"
"Yeah. Fucker just wasn't built for jumping apparently. But try telling that to a drunk guy. So I had to get a new one."
The man bent down and took one side of the couch. "Okay, if you could just take that side. I'll take most of the weight, but if you'd just lift that side onto the bed of the truck, then get in and drag it while I push, that'd be great."
Jasper did as he was told and summoned all of his nonexistent energy to try to lift his side. Thankfully the man was good on his word and took most of the weight so Jasper didn't have to exert himself. He shuffled out of the way so the corner could sit on the end of the bed and then jumped up and began pulling the couch in. Once they had the couch inside the bed Jasper helped the man strap the couch down.
"Thanks a lot man. You really helped."
"I barely helped, you did most of the work."
"Not true. Without you I'd be watching the game in this parking lot. So thanks," The man held out his hand to shake. Jasper politely shook it. "You new here? Granted I live up at the Rez but I thought I knew everyone in this town," the man asked.
"Yeah, I've been here a few weeks. My parents have lived here for years though. The Whitlocks."
"Yeah? Well welcome to Forks. Don't know what in the hell possessed you to move here though. I'm Jacob, by the way."
"Jasper. And it's not so bad here."
"Maybe you have to grow up here to hate it," Jacob joked, "you like it here?"
"It's a nice town," Jasper said, "but I didn't know there was a reservation nearby."
"Bout half an hour away actually. There's not much there. No casino so we don't get a lot of visitors."
"What? No casino? But what do you do then?" Jasper teased. He briefly wondered if he had overstepped a boundary but something about Jacob made him feel comfortable.
"Ha fucking ha. No more casino jokes. Seriously, it's just a bunch of houses and the school. We do have a great beach though. Great hiking too."
"Really, think I could see it? I'm getting kinda sick of going to the town when I want to get away."
"No problem," Jacob said. His boisterous voice carried through the parking lot causing people to stop and stare at them while the passed. Jacob seemed to thrive under all the attention and kept winking or waggling his eyebrows to everyone who looked. "I'll give you my number and call anytime you wanna come up. I'll show you the quickest way to get to the beach and the best trails."
"Thanks, that'd be great," Jasper said. He was pleased that he appeared to have met another potential friend. His social group currently consisted of his parents, his doctor and Edward. None of them would work as someone he could just let loose with.
"If you want, you could watch the game tonight? My friends won't mind and if they do, give it a few hours and they'll be too drunk to get pissed," Jacob asked.
"I can't tonight, but maybe the next game?"
"You're on. See ya later, Jasper," Jacob waved as he got into his truck. Jasper waved back and walked back to the car, arriving just as his mother exited the store.
"What are you doing outside, Jasper," Margaret asked.
"I was just helping a guy get his couch into his truck," Jasper said. He got into the car and buckled his seatbelt while he waited for the explosion. He wasn't disappointed.
"Jasper! You can't do that. What if you had gotten hurt? How could you do something so- so—" Margaret stuttered in her anger.
"Mom, I'm fine. I didn't lift more than I couldn't handle," Jasper said, wondering if this was going to become his new mantra. Maybe he should just make a sign to hang around his neck. It could say, "I'm fine. Don't smother me."
The rest of the car ride was spent with Jasper staring out the window, trying to ignore his mother while she ranted to him about his safety. She was still ranting as Jasper climbed the stairs to go to his room and only when he shut the door did his mother's voice disappear.
Jasper cocked an eyebrow. Edward was sitting across from him, every muscle tense and ready for action. Edward was sitting on his hands – something Jasper had forced Edward to do after Edward had tried to pour Jasper's tea for him, even though he was feeling strong enough to lift the fucking teapot. Edward had been trying his hardest, Jasper knew that, but his nature forced him to try to do everything possible to take care of his mate.
Jasper acknowledged that. But it didn't mean he had to like it.
So he was making sure that Edward wouldn't help him unless he explicitly asked for something. And Jasper hadn't asked for a single thing, something that was slowly driving Edward crazy.
I'm hungry. I think I might heat up some soup. Jasper thought, purposefully staring directly at Edward as he thought it. He saw Edward's whole body twitch, but Edward was good and stayed still.
Well done. You're getting better at this. The glare that he received could have killed, but Jasper knew that Edward didn't mean it, which just made the intensity of the look hilarious. Is that your scary face? It's not very scary. I think Dracula would be disappointed.
"Go to hell," Edward muttered. He was growing annoyed with Jasper's teasing, but Jasper just couldn't let up. It was funny watching Edward trying to restrain himself from helping, but it was important as well.
Jasper had to know that he could trust Edward to keep his word. And this silly exercise was helping. With few exceptions, Edward had left Jasper to take care of himself. He hadn't even lectured Jasper when he learned about him helping Jacob with the couch. He had simply replied that he was glad Jasper had felt healthy enough after chemo to be able to lift a couch.
But right now, Jasper had other things on his mind. Well, more specifically, one thing. Jasper was horny. And while he didn't have enough energy for sex he could certainly think of other… more pleasurable ways to put Edward's restraint to the test.
You know what I really want? He asked softly, though since it was in his head he could only assume he had spoken softly.
"What?"
I'd really like it if you could kiss me right now.
"… are you still testing me?" Edward asked. He twitched again when Jasper bit his bottom lip and slowly shook his head.
"Nope. I want you to kiss me. We don't have to do more than that. Well, at least right now," Jasper amended.
Edward was up in a flash and sitting by Jasper's side on the couch. He took Jasper's face between his hands. Jasper leaned into the cold touch for a moment and then lunged at Edward, pressing their lips together.
It was chaste at first, but then Edward ran his tongue along Jasper's bottom lip asking for entrance, which Jasper was only too happy to give. In an instant, Edward's taste exploded in Jasper's mouth and it was the most desirable taste that he could possibly imagine.
Jasper carded his fingers through Edward's hair and pulled him down with him to lean back on the couch. Edward followed, pressing his body against Jasper's. They lost themselves in the feel of each other, their hands roaming the other's body. Jasper's hand cupped Edward's arse to find that it was, indeed, as perfect a fit as he had said.
Jasper was losing himself in the feel and taste of Edward. All he knew was he wanted more. He wanted more of Edward's body; more of his taste, more of everything and anything that Edward would give him. Jasper arched his hips against Edward's, longing to feel the friction that his cock so desperately needed.
As soon as their hips connected, though, Edward was off Jasper and on the other side of the room.
Jasper took deep breaths to calm his breathing then sat up. "What's wrong?"
"I'm not ready for that yet," Edwards growled out. His lust was evident in his black eyes and the unconscious heaving of his chest, so Jasper didn't know what the problem was.
"Don't you want to?"
"Yes. That's the problem. I'm used to human blood but I've never done that with a human and the emotions, the hormones racing through your blood…" Edward trailed off.
"I understand. But, we'll work on it right?" Jasper asked.
"Of course. Of course we'll work on it. I just need time."
Jasper didn't voice what he thought, that Edward really didn't have that much time to work on it. But Edward heard it. He always heard it. And the violent exhalation of breath told Jasper exactly what Edward thought, and that brought back all of Jasper's worries.
"I'm thinking about it," He said softly, almost apologetically, "I am. I just don't know yet Edward."
"What don't you know?" Edward yelled, he took two steps towards Jasper before tensing his body again in a show of control. "What's holding you back?"
"Do you think this is easy?" Jasper yelled back, "Do you think I can make this choice lightly? I've known you, what, three, four weeks? How can I say that I'll give my life for you? How can I turn my back on everything I've known?" The tears that he had tried to keep away spilled over and began running down his face. "I'm doing the best I can Edward. I know what you want me to do, but I need to figure things out first. You're asking me to give up my life, as short as it will be, to run off with you into the sunset, but I'm scared.
"How do I know you'll stay with me forever? I'm going on your word, Edward, and you could be wrong. What if I'm not your mate? What if I let you turn me and then you find your true mate? What do I do then?
"That's completely ignoring the other questions of what the rest of our lives will look like if you do stay with me. What about a hundred years from now? Two hundred? Five hundred? How can we know what the world will be like throughout our lives? You're asking me to give up all that I know to enter one big question mark of a life with you on one assurance: your word. And even if I might be willing to do that, I have to know that I can trust you enough first. And that takes time."
Jasper put his head in his hands and took deep breaths, willing the tears to go away. He felt Edward's hand rub circles on his back but he couldn't gather the energy to lift his head and look at him.
They stayed in silence for a several minutes, Jasper burying his face into his hands trying to contain himself and Edward quietly comforting him.
"I'm sorry, Jasper," Edward said softly, "I'm not trying to push you. And I'd be worried if you jumped into this without hesitation. I'm glad that you're thinking these things through. Your thirst for answers and your reluctance to jump into this headfirst is one of the many things that I love about you." Jasper turned his head so that he could see Edward out of the corner of his eye. "I don't have all the answers for you. And I'm sure that many of the questions you have are ones that I have also struggled with.
"But let me tell you one thing." Edward brushed Jasper's check with the back of his hand wiping the tears away. "I don't know how it works, but I know this: You are my mate. I will never find another person who I will love as much as I love you. I don't know how I know, but I do. I will love you until the world ends, whether you choose to stay with me for it or not. You're the only one I will love. If you trust nothing else that I say, trust that."
Jasper could only close his eyes and try to convince himself that that was all he needed to know.
A/N: Just so you know, Jacob is not a Werewolf. I don't want to mix the treaty in with this story. There's already enough going on in Jasper's mind without throwing Werewolves who won't let him be turned into the mix. And there will be no one-sided Jacob/Jasper thing. Jacob is there because I love him. He was the only character besides Seth that I actually liked in the books (before S.M made him into a paedophile) , so I wanted to put him in here. Plus Jasper needs someone that he can confide in and that's not his parents for obvious reasons. Also, did I mention that I love Jacob?
Anyways, if you didn't notice from this chapter, things will start to get darker from this chapter out. There is a meeting with the Cullens next chapter, and that will be fun. But this story can't progress without Jasper getting sicker. Just a heads up.
Thanks for reading and see you next time! ~AJ Kelly