A/N: Hello again! I finally got another chapter out, and I'm just as surprised as you are! I wanted to quickly say that for those of you who gave me a review last time and I didn't respond to you, I'm sorry. For some reason FF wasn't letting me review, it kept saying the link was out of date. Which didn't make sense when they had sent it to me that day... Whatever. I just hope it's fixed now. But I wanted to let you know that I tried. Thank you all for the reviews and for sticking with this story. We're reaching the end and the way I have it planned out now there're about two chapters left and an epilogue. I hope that I can complete it in a timely fashion. Of course, no promises on that. It's just a goal, and my history of failed New Year's resolutions practically guarantees that it will be a goal I won't meet. I'll try though. But that's enough from me. Apologies for any grammar mistakes.

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and all recognisable characters, no infringement is intended. Only the plot is mine.

Chapter Nine

"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?" ~Kahlil Gibran

Jasper could feel his body slowly failing with each day. It was the little things; he was more tired than he was the day before, he couldn't walk as long or as far as he could on his last hike, or something he could lift a week ago became heavier. Even his good days were tinged with constant tiredness.

But he was determined to push himself on his good days, even though he knew he'd pay for it later. So when he found himself feeling great he hated being alone and inside the house.

Despite having a round of chemo two days before, Jasper felt energized and pain free. His first thought when he sat up in bed and didn't feel nauseas, sore, or dizzy, was what he could do with Edward that day. Edward was always at the forefront of Jasper's mind these days and Jasper was quickly becoming used to it. His every spare moment was spent with Edward or – since meeting Edward's family five days ago – at the Cullen house.

Jasper stretched his muscles and allowed his mind to run through all the things he could do with Edward that day, but then he looked at his cell phone and couldn't hide the disappointment that crossed over his face. Edward worked today. He'd be gone all day and had a meeting during lunch so even their lunchtime make out session would be out of the question. Jasper refused to pout, but he couldn't help the frown that formed. What the hell would he do for the rest of the day?

He toyed with the idea of going to the Cullen's. But he had only been there with Edward and even though he knew that they would welcome him, he still felt a little awkward when he was alone with any of the siblings. Then he remembered the phone number written on a scrap of paper that was sitting on top of his dresser. He hadn't had time to call Jacob since meeting him last week and he wondered if Jacob would even remember the random stranger who had helped him get his couch onto his truck. But he shrugged it off and, grabbing his phone off his bedside table, walked over to his dresser to find the number. He looked at the time and, deciding that ten in the morning wasn't too early to call, punched in the number and waited for Jacob to answer.

After several rings Jacob's slurred voice answered, "There better be a fucking meteor heading straight for me, otherwise I'll kick your ass to Canada for waking me up."

"Jacob?" Jasper asked, amused. A grunt was his only response so he continued talking, "It's Jasper. From the, um, parking lot. I helped you with your couch."

There was a moment of silence before, "Oh, hey man. Sorry, I didn't recognise your voice. How are you?"

"I'm great. Um, I know that I'm calling you out of the blue—"

"Naw, it's no problem," Jacob quickly interjected. There was a rustling over the line and sounds of Jacob getting up.

"Aside from me waking you up, you mean?" Jasper joked.

"Yeah," Jacob laughed, "Besides that, it's no problem. So what's up?"

"Well I have the day free and I was wondering if you had anything going on. Thought maybe you could take me on that hike you promised," Jasper trailed off, realising that most likely Jacob had to work as well.

"Man, you've got good timing. I gave myself the day off today so I am free. And a hike sounds a hell of a lot better then laying around watching TV."

"Cool, so how about I be at your place in an hour? That sound good?"

"Sounds great," Jacob merrily exclaimed. He gave Jasper directions to his house before saying goodbye.

Jasper got his backpack together and put all the things he'd need for the day, including some extra food, water and layers of clothes. He really didn't want to tarnish the day with his illness, so he hoped that he'd feel well enough that Jacob wouldn't notice that he was sick.

Forty minutes later Jasper got into his mother's car and headed for the La Push Reservation. It wasn't hard to find Jacob's place. The reservation was off the main highway and Jacob's house was right on the main road that cut through the reservation. He parked in Jacob's driveway and took a few moments to look at the tiny house. It wasn't horrible or rundown, but it certainly wasn't as large as his parent's house and definitely not as large as the Cullen's house. Though it was still better than Jasper's apartment in New Haven, so who was he to judge?

He knocked on the front door and heard Jacob's yell from inside the house. Assuming that it was his invitation inside Jasper let himself in. "Jacob?" He yelled as he shut the door behind him.

"In the kitchen."

"Where's that?"

"Down here."

Obviously, Jasper snorted, Jacob wasn't much for communication. He followed the noises though and eventually found the kitchen at the back of the house with Jacob standing in the middle wearing jean shorts and a black shirt. He was eating dry cereal right from the box.

"Want some Lucky Charms?" Jacob asked, holding the box out for Jasper.

Jasper peered into the box and diligently picked out a few pieces. He looked up at Jacob's amused grin. "I only like the marshmallow ones," Jasper defended, "When it's my own box I eat the boring grain pieces and leave the marshmallows for later."

"But the grain is the healthy part," Jacob pointed out.

"And that's why they taste like shit."

Jacob burst out laughing, "You're right. I only get the cereal for the marshmallows too. The grain is just the shitty part that keeps me from a sugar high. Even thought is cereal is still frosted."

"Still not even comparable to the marshmallow," Jasper said. He reached into the cereal box again and snagged a few more pieces.

Jacob closed the box and put it away before moving towards some water bottles sitting near the sink. "Do you have a water bottle? I have an extra if you need it."

"Nope, I have some water and food in my pack. I brought enough for both of us."

"Sweet. Give me some for me to carry. You shouldn't have to carry everything." Jasper opened his pack and handed Jacob some of the food he had. Jacob looked into the pack and gave a low whistle, "Are you expecting us to get lost? I think you could feed the Rez with all this food."

Jasper blushed and muttered something about having a big appetite before diverting Jacob with questions about where they were going. "Well I thought I'd take you to the cliffs. It's too cold to swim, but the cliffs are my favourite place around here. You can see out into the Pacific, and there's a lighthouse that you can see on clear days. Not to mention the hike through the woods isn't too tough and I think it's relaxing."

"That sounds perfect," Jasper grinned, "Let's go. Now," he demanded, eager to breathe the fresh air.

"Okay, onwards," Jacob said extravagantly. He put his backpack over his shoulders and led Jasper outside. Jacob had walking sticks leaning against the house and ten minutes into the hike, Jasper was already thankful that Jacob had thought of them. If all else failed, he'd at least have a walking stick to lean against if he got tired.

They walked steadily through the forest, exchanging brief conversation. Jasper didn't mind, though. The comfortable silence was exactly what he needed. Jacob seemed to be able to read Jasper easily. When he started feeling tired, Jacob would distract Jasper with jokes, asking questions about Jasper's life, and telling stories about his friends. And as soon as Jasper dropped off in the conversation, either from tiredness or just enjoying the breeze and smell of the trees, Jacob stayed silent until Jasper was ready to talk again.

After fifteen minutes Jasper could already feel himself slowing down and becoming fatigued. He pushed himself though and the longer they walked, the more Jasper had the feeling that it was vitally important that he finish. If he couldn't handle a walk in the woods – and they weren't even walking that fast or rigorously – then he was worse off than he wanted to admit. He wasn't ready to admit that he couldn't do the one thing that got him out of the house and made him feel alive.

But he couldn't deny it to himself for long. Soon Jasper was stumbling along with every step and leaning heavily on the walking stick for balance. He brushed Jacob's concern off by saying he was just being clumsy, but really he was becoming so exhausted that his vision was blurring. His breath came in rough gasps; his body was drenched in sweat. But he kept pushing, because if he lost this one thing then he was nothing more than a bird trapped in a cage.

Jasper quickly found himself thinking of Edward and he couldn't help but miss him just a tiny bit. As great as Jacob was, and as nice as it was to have a friend outside Edward, Jasper couldn't help but imagine what Edward would talk about or how he would carry Jasper when he got tired.

Jasper bristled in annoyance at how easily he had accepted that Edward would have carried him. He still very much needed to do things for himself, but for some reason he didn't mind as much when Edward tried to do things for him. It was still annoying – infuriating, actually – but Jasper had eventually come to realise that it was not only Edward's way of showing he cared, but it was also his desperate attempt to maintain control in a situation that was completely out of his hands. As annoyed as that made Jasper, he couldn't deny Edward the opportunity to look after him.

Besides, it was nice to have someone looking after him. Though Jasper would never admit it. And he would continue to begrudgingly accept Edward's help until the day he died, while secretly enjoying Edward's attentions.

Jacob caught Jasper's attention and slowed them down. "We've still got about half an hours walk, but you look like you could use a break."

"Thanks," Jasper said. He tried to casually collapse on a fallen tree log and fished his water bottle out of his pack. He took a deep swig of his drink. Jacob sat down next to him and watched Jasper catch his breath.

"Are you okay Jasper?" Jacob finally asked.

"I'm fine. I just need to rest for a bit."

Jacob looked around, "We can go back if you want. You're looking tired and pale. And even though it's cold, you're sweating."

"No, no we can't go back. I need to push myself."

"Well we can't make you sick. I don't think your parents will let you come see me again if you pass out."

"I won't pass out, I just need to rest and then we can go on."

"Dude, it's not a big deal. We can go watch TV. I have beer and chips, I'm sure that we can find something good on."

"No," Jasper fiercely protested, "No, I'm tired of being inside. I need to keep going. I'm not ready to give up yet."

"Okay, okay, that's fine," Jacob held his hands up in surrender, "but will you tell me why? I don't know that much about you Jasper. I'd like to know things besides your favourite TV shows and stuff. And if you're going to involve me in something that's clearly making you sick, I think I deserve to know why."

Jasper buried his head in his hands. He had wanted just one day without the constant reminder of his sickness and now he couldn't even take a walk without it affecting him. He let out a ragged breath, "I'm dying."

"What?" Jacob said, shocked. That obviously wasn't the answer he had been expecting.

"I have cancer. The doctors give me several weeks, a month at the most. I just –" He broke off and pinched the corner of his eyes to stop any tears from escaping, "I just wanted one more day outside. I just wanted to walk in the woods and smell fresh air before I'm stuck in a hospital bed. But I can't even fucking do that anymore."

"Dude, why didn't you tell me? I'll take you back right now, you can rest on my couch—"

"I'm not ready to be stuck on a fucking couch," Jasper screamed, something wild breaking loose inside him at the idea of being trapped in a house, "I'm not ready to let people hover over me. I'm not ready to be tired all the time, or to face the reality of what's happening to me. I'm not ready," he finished weakly.

Jacob was quiet for a long time and Jasper was thankful for that. No one could really offer him words of comfort and he was tired of people trying.

"That fucking sucks," Jacob finally said. Jasper couldn't help but snort in agreement. "But you do realise that just because you can't take a long walk doesn't mean you're hopeless."

"I'm not hopeless," Jasper muttered.

"I know, shit head, that's what I said. You've already walked about half an hour and I think that's a success, considering. Plus, pushing yourself won't make you any better. If anything, you'll get worse faster. So maybe you should lay off the prideful, manly pursuits for a while."

Jasper sputtered and stumbled on his words for a while before he forced out, "I'm not trying for prideful, manly pursuits."

"No? Then what is this?"

Jasper looked off into the woods, "I wasn't trying to push myself. I could have done this last week."

"Yeah, but that was last week. If you're getting sicker than sooner or later you'll have to realise that you won't always be able to do things."

"Trust me, Jacob, I'm well aware of what I can't do anymore," Jasper said bitterly. "Every day I wake up and I'm more tired than the next. I'm waiting for the day when I wake up and I'm too sick to move. When my parent's have to take me to the hospital. Slowly day-by-day I feel my body eating itself. At every moment, something in me is dying. The only thing I have is desperately clinging onto the things that make me feel alive."

"Hmm. and what does your boyfriend feel about this?"

Jasper turned towards Jacob, "how do you know about Edward?"

"I saw you both in town last week," Jacob said with a shrug, "and even if I hadn't, when the town newbie snatches up the resident hot doctor, you better believe that people are gonna know about it."

"Boyfriend is the wrong word for Edward," Jasper said slowly.

"Then what's the right word?"

Jasper frowned, not quite able to label it. Edward referred to him as his Mate. But Jasper thought that telling Jacob that would require more explanation than he was willing to give.

"He really loves you, you know," Jacob said offhandedly.

"I know."

"What's going to happen to him when you… you know."

"I try not to think about that. I warned him off, but he's stubborn and pursued me." Jasper couldn't help the slight affectionate tone that tinged his comment.

"It's sad. It seems like you're taking him with you."

Jasper's breath caught in his throat, "What do you mean?"

"It sounds really dumb," Jacob warned, "But I've known of Edward for years. We were never friends, but he once set a broken bone of mine. Anyways, he seems paler – which is saying something since their family looks like they're relatives of Casper – and he seems like he has less energy too. I mean I'm sure he's fine. It's just that this is really affecting him."

Jasper hadn't noticed any difference in Edward. To him, Edward was always the strong one, immediately available to help him in anyway. He was his brave, handsome doctor. His beautiful vampire mate that desperately wanted to rid Jasper of his current situation.

Oh.

Jasper couldn't help but feel a guilty at all he had put Edward through. He hadn't been ready to tell Edward his decision. The answer seemed to change every hour anyway so telling Edward would have been useless and hurtful. So he just never mentioned it and he never considered how that must have looked to Edward.

"I hope someday I can find someone who loves me as obviously as Edward loves you," Jacob said. Then he blushed and glared at Jasper, "and I swear to god that if you ever tell anyone that I said that I'll call you a fucking liar and punch you."

"Your sickeningly sweet sentiments will stay a secret," Jasper teased, "I'll even pinkie swear and then later we can giggle, braid each other's hair, and talk about boys."

"And girls," Jacob defended.

Jasper decided to take a quick detour to the park before going back home so that he could have time to think. Jacob's words had forced Jasper to realise what his indecision was doing to Edward. He didn't love Edward yet, or at least he wasn't ready to admit it to himself yet, but he definitely felt affection. And he knew that given time he would love Edward. How could he not love someone who was willing to stand by him and watch as he wasted away, despite his ability to change everything?

But he was hurting Edward and that fact alone was enough to push Jasper into making a decision. And the end was getting closer.

There were many things that made Jasper hesitate. He didn't know if he would be happy forever, though he knew that Edward would fight tooth and nail to make Jasper as happy as was possible. His questions about the world, about how the infinite interacted with the temporary, still weren't answered. But he didn't think anyone could answer those questions.

Most important was that despite all these questions and unknowns, one thing stood out strongest amongst them all.

His will to live.

He could accept that he would die. He had accepted that he would die. But that didn't mean that he wanted to die. Despite his preparations he still wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to leave his family. Or to never again have a Christmas morning or Thanksgiving dinner.

To never wake up again. To never breathe in the crisp fall air. To never again have his mother's signature apple pie or even to do something as mundane as stare up at the stars. There was still so much that Jasper wanted to do, so much he still wanted to see. He didn't want to leave yet.

And Edward. It always came back to Edward. He had just found him and now there was the possibility that he would lose him. Of course he didn't have to lose him, but whatever decision Jasper made a major sacrifice would be required. Jasper would either have to give up the known – and he may not have been psyched about dying, but at least he knew that once he was gone, he was gone. No more questions – or Edward would have to give up his mate and only choice of happiness.

When he put it that way, it was terribly selfish of him to consider not becoming a vampire. Edward needed Jasper. Wanted Jasper. And Jasper wanted Edward too. It was more than lust, though there was a healthy amount of that. It was deeper than that; a connection that Jasper wasn't able to comprehend with his human mind. He had a suspicion that if he were turned their connection would be instantly clear and understandable.

He realised that it was really fear that held him back now. He could admit it. The questions that had made him hesitate before now seemed insignificant to the fear that Jasper felt whenever he thought about becoming a vampire. It was, again, the unknown. Death was terrifying but it was final. He had been ready for death for years. It was something he had a grip on. The one thing about his life that was definite. Edward wanted Jasper to give that up.

And an ever-increasing part of him wanted to. He wanted to live, to see the world, to learn more, to love Edward. He also wanted to feel healthy enough to make love to Edward. He wanted the time with Edward that his cancer denied him.

In that moment, Jasper had an epiphany. He wanted Edward. He wanted Edward to take care of him, to guide him through the world, to be by his side for an eternity, to love him, to fuck him, to run his fingers through his lost hair, to hold his hand in public and share goofy grins when they thought others weren't looking.

Suddenly becoming a Vampire didn't seem like such a scary thing anymore.

"Where have you been?" Edward demanded as soon as Jasper opened the front door.

"I was with Jacob. And then I went to the park to do some thinking. Don't worry, I was fine," Jasper assured him.

"It's just that I was waiting for you. I had to sit through dinner with your parents. Without you. Do you have any idea how awkward that was?"

"I'm sorry, I guess I didn't realise how late it was. I'll make it up to you."

Edward quirked an eyebrow in interest, "How?"

Jasper tried to shrug nonchalantly and leaned in and brushed his lips against Edward's. Edward wrapped his hand around Jasper's neck and pulled him closer to deepen the kiss.

Jasper broke the kiss and smiled at Edward. "I'll think of something," He said. He grasped Edward's hand and pulled him towards the stairs.

"Jasper, honey, is that you?" Margaret called from the kitchen.

"Yeah mom, sorry I'm late. I'm not hungry so I'm going to be in my room," Jasper yelled back, dragged Edward up the stairs.

As soon as they were in his bedroom Jasper collapsed onto the bed and let the exhaustion of the day overcome him. Edward chuckled and removed Jasper's shoes, chucking them into the corner. He laid down next to Jasper and ran his finger along the side of Jasper's face.

"You look really pale. I think you pushed yourself too hard today."

Jasper couldn't deny it so chose to say nothing. Instead he rolled towards Edward and pressed his face into length of Edward's neck. He breathed Edward in, letting the unique scent wash over him and calm him. Edward wrapped his arm about Jasper and pulled him closer.

They were quiet for a long time, both lost in their own thoughts. Jasper tried repeatedly to bring up the topic of changing him, but each time something stopped him. He had accepted that changing him was the most appealing option – at least compared to dying – but he didn't want to do it now. He needed to prepare himself. He needed to figure out what he was going to tell his parents.

He didn't know which his parents would prefer. Would they rather know that their son was alive, but a vampire doomed to wander the world for eternity? Or would it be better to allow them to believe that their son was dead? There would be mourning either way and Jasper didn't know which would be more painful.

Deciding that he didn't have to figure that out at the moment, he shifted his head so that he could look at Edward.

He looked at his mate – really looked at him – and saw what Jacob had been talking about. There was a sadness in Edward's eyes that hadn't been there when he had met him. It affected his entire being, making him appear sick and tired. It broke Jasper's heart that he was the reason the sadness was in Edward's eyes and Jasper knew that he would give anything if he could see those eyes light up again. That was the final nail in the coffin for Jasper. He took a deep breath and launched in.

"So how would we do this?" He asked.

Edward furrowed his brow, "I know I can read minds, but I also know that you hate when I do that so I've trained myself to focus on other things. So I have no idea where that came from, nor what you are referring to."

Jasper moved out of Edward's arms and sat up. He looked down at Edward, "Changing me. How do you do it?"

Edward slowly sat up, appraising Jasper before answering, "I need to drink some of you blood and inject you with some of my venom. The venom turns you, but the blood creates a bond between us."

"But I thought we were already mates."

"We are. But if I take some of your blood it will confirm me as your Sire, creating another bond that cannot be challenged. Not all mates have this bond, but every vampire has a bond with their Sire. I like the idea of having another connection to you."

Jasper stared out the window as he gathered his thoughts. "Does it hurt?"

"Yes," Edward said bluntly.

"What does it feel like?" Jasper asked. His journalist mind needed to know every little thing before he committed. He watched a bird flying outside as Edward spoke and idly wished that he could be that bird so he wouldn't have to make this decision.

"It burns. The venom goes through your system, destroying every organ, and every blood cell. It replaces all your fluids with venom. It takes days and you will feel every one of them. Unfortunately there isn't anything we can give you for the pain. I spoke to Carlisle about it, but we both agree that the venom would just consume whatever we would give you."

"If you give me more venom would the process be quicker?"

"Maybe. But if I give you too much then it will kill you."

Jasper didn't say anything, just continued to watch the bird dip and dive in the air. He could feel Edward watching him and knew that the time had come for a decision. Finally Jasper gathered all his resolve and turned back to Edward.

"Okay."

In the blink of an eye Edward grasped Jasper's chin and tilted his face to stare into his eyes. "Are you sure, Jasper? Because I don't want you to feel like I'm forcing you into anything. I just…" Edward trailed off and when he spoke again Jasper could hear the relieved desperation in his voice, "I have to know that you're absolutely sure."

"I'm sure," Jasper said as firmly as he could manage. Before he could speak again Edward claimed his lips in a burning kiss. When Jasper broke away from his need to breathe, Edward pressed their foreheads together.

"I know this is scary, Jasper," Edward urgently whispered, "But I promise you I will make you happy. I will take care of you and keep you safe. I'll love you. God, Jasper, do you have any idea how much I love you?" He kissed Jasper again, "We can visit your family whenever you want. I'll take you wherever you want to go. I'm just so…" He kissed Jasper again, tracing his bottom lip with his tongue and nudging Jasper's mouth open.

Jasper tasted Edward and wondered if he would taste different once he was a vampire. Would Edward smell different? As Edward's tongue touched the tip of Jasper's, Jasper wondered if he would get his muscles back once he was a vampire. Or his hair. Would his hair come back? Would it be the same, or different like it did after chemo?

Edward cleared his throat and Jasper realised that they weren't kissing anymore. When had they stopped?

"Right about the time you started wondering about your hair," Edward answered in a slightly petulant manner.

"Sorry," Jasper mumbled, "but do you think it will? Will it be like the hair I was born with? Or will it be like it was after I completed my first round of chemo?"

"I don't know," Edward said. He brushed a cool hand across Jasper's scalp. "What colour was it before?"

"Blond and curly," Jasper answered, "That's what I was born with. But when it grew back it was darker and straighter."

"Which would you prefer?"

"If I had a choice? I guess what I was born with. It's my mom's hair. I'd like something from her to stay with me." Jasper felt the celebratory mood leave him as soon as he mentioned his mother.

Edward let his mind brush Jasper's thoughts for a moment to figure out what had dampened Jasper's mood. "We don't have to do it now," He assured Jasper.

"I know; I do want to wait. I need to figure out what to tell my parents. And I want to say goodbye to my friends. And I need to officially quite my job because dead people don't write newspaper columns. But," He smiled at Edward, trying to encourage him, "I thought you deserved an answer. Once I figure some things out then we can talk about how we're going to do this. Okay?"

Edward nodded and pulled Jasper in for another kiss. Jasper was growing quite addicted to Edward's kisses and couldn't wait for when he was strong enough to finally fuck. His entire body yearned for Edward and each time Edward forced Jasper to stop before he lost control, the monster of lust in Jasper's body grew.

But for now he was content to taste Edward and listen to Edward's declarations of love. He hadn't considered how happy Edward would be to know that Jasper was willing to change for him, but the brilliant smile on Edward's face was the most beautiful thing Jasper had ever seen.

Soon, though, his fatigued body got the better of him. Edward pulled the covers over his body and kissed his forehead. "I need to go tell me family, though I'm sure Alice's already informed them. But there are some plans we need to make. I'll see you tomorrow," Edward promised.

Jasper grasped Edward's hand before he could get too far away and placed a kiss on the cold fingers. "Goodnight," He murmured.

The last thing he heard was Edward telling him that he loved him and the window sliding open.

A/N: It's not my favourite chapter, but there you go. Thanks for reading!